what to do about those rumours?

[tamiO]

I am supposing this would fall under social science/dynamics so here's where I posted.

What should you do when you think someone has spread something untrue about you (within an online community)?

Do you just let people talk and believe whatever they want to believe?
Do you bring it all out in the open and set the record straight?

[viscousmemories]

Heya tamiO.

As you well know I've tried the latter approach, but with mixed results. Some people will call you a drama queen, attention whore, etc. but I still think it's worth setting the record straight. My reputation (for what it's worth... ) is valuable to me. I have no problem with fighting to keep it untarnished.

[LadyShea]

Hmmm, I prefer the all cards on the table approach, but my reputation as a "thing" means nothing to me. I have almost always found that those people whose opinions I care about are not as likely to base their opinion of me on some rumor. If I don't care about them, I don't care what they think of me.

[Hugo Holbling]

I keep hoping they will have the integrity to desist on their own, but that appears to hope misplaced. Perhaps the best response is to behave in such a way that no reasonable person could believe the aspersions cast on your character?

[Ronin]

I turn to voodoo...works everytime.

Why?

What have you heard?

[HelenM]

I don't think there's much you can do about rumours (aside from voodoo ) except not let them get to you. Your friends will stick by you and will not pay serious attention to rumours.

You certainly can defend yourself if you want, but a downside of that approach is that you'll keep the topic alive and more people may hear the rumor than if you let it go and let the topic fade into last-week's-posts-oblivion. Plus, if you ignore it, you deny any malicious rumour-spreader the fun of seeing you visibly upset by it.

Helen

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Hugo Holbling

I keep hoping they will have the integrity to desist on their own, but that appears to hope misplaced.

Have you considered the implications of negative thinking like that you've just displayed? Where is your faith in fellow humankind, man?

Perhaps the best response is to behave in such a way that no reasonable person could believe the aspersions cast on your character?

Live your life as though there were TV news cameras on you 24/7 and you'd never do or say anything that would generate gossip. Or so some supposedly wise person once told me.


Warren

[Hugo Holbling]

Originally Posted by warrenly

Have you considered the implications of negative thinking like that you've just displayed?

Yep: i figured i'd get picked up for it by you and could thence beat you over the head with the fact every time you put yourself down.

Live your life as though there were TV news cameras on you 24/7 and you'd never do or say anything that would generate gossip. Or so some supposedly wise person once told me.

Like on Big Brother, you mean? Did the person who told you that work for Channel 4?

[Larry]

Originally Posted by tamiO

What should you do when you think someone has spread something untrue about you (within an online community)?

Do you just let people talk and believe whatever they want to believe?
Do you bring it all out in the open and set the record straight?

I'm with Helen on this one. Gosh I just luv that woman's wisdom!

Your "friends" will stick by ya and those who aren't shouldn't really matter.

Expending your time and energy defending yourself against rumors and lies has imho usually amounted to an exercise in futility. But being the emotional people we are it is down-right difficult not to give it a go. Take a dip, if it makes you feel better, but if you find yourself drowning then it's probably time to get outta water and dry off.

Larry

[livius drusus]

You and Helen are wise, Larry. I've only defended myself against a rumor once, and I hated doing it. The defense feels like almost as much of a violation to me as the rumor.

[HelenM]

Originally Posted by warrenly

Live your life as though there were TV news cameras on you 24/7 and you'd never do or say anything that would generate gossip. Or so some supposedly wise person once told me.

I thought gossip was often fabricated rather than generated.

Helen

[tamiO]

Originally Posted by Hugo Holbling

Perhaps the best response is to behave in such a way that no reasonable person could believe the aspersions cast on your character?

That's the plan. My want to expose this person as a gossiping bitch is what was tempting me to lay it all out on the table. After a lot of thinking about what everyone posted in response; I think ignoring it and being the opposite of what the gossip would have people believe is the best approach.

Thanks, everyone.

[godfry n. glad]

So... What's the difference between "gossip" and another's "unflattering opinion"?

godfry

[dave_a]

Originally Posted by godfry n. glad

So... What's the difference between "gossip" and another's "unflattering opinion"?

godfry

'Person X is a bitch' is an unflattering opinion. 'Person X can't afford to pay for pizza delivery so performs oral sex on the delivery person instead' is gossip. Gossip may or may not be true. Opinions are usually expressed as opinions. Me thinks there is a gray area where crossover between the 2 is possible, or at least difficult|impossible to distinguish between.

[Scotty]

Yes, the rumor is true, I AM SUPERMAN!

That is how I would handle it, if they want to rumors or gossip about me, I will give them what they want.

IRL though, that can be bad, "he said/she said" doesn't always end in "he said" or "she said" favor, no matter what you did.

-Scott

[viscousmemories]

Originally Posted by godfry n. glad

So... What's the difference between "gossip" and another's "unflattering opinion"?

From Dictionary.com:

Gossip: Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.

So it would seem to me that there is no difference. But I don't think people use the word that way because gossip has negative connotations, and I suspect most people engage in "talk of a personal nature" with others, about others. So perhaps when people say "gossip" they mean to imply that it is mean-spirited talks of a personal nature.

Even so, not all unflattering opinions are mean-spirited. For example I think if you have good reason to believe that someone is dangerous, for example, you have an obligation to warn people you know about that person.

[godfry n. glad]

Originally Posted by viscousmemories

From Dictionary.com:

Even so, not all unflattering opinions are mean-spirited. For example I think if you have good reason to believe that someone is dangerous, for example, you have an obligation to warn people you know about that person.

Whoa, now...

I hold to that as well, but it got me exiled from IIDB.

Whereas, expressing a frank opinion directly to the person who offended me, rather than placing it up for all to see or tossing it into the rumor mill...well, that got me exiled from HH. So...

Lotta good it does to be direct in some places. Consequently, those places tend to become maelstroms of gossip, as direct communication is discouraged, because it's "confrontational" and intimidating.

Ah, well...that's not for here or now, anyway.

And...those rumors about godfry being short-fused about some topics? They're true.

godfry

[viscousmemories]

Originally Posted by godfry n. glad

Ah, well...that's not for here or now, anyway.

I don't want to de-rail this thread either, but if you want to start one on the subject I'll definitely participate. As anyone can tell you I'm fascinated by forum administration and social dynamics, and your situation is both interesting and personally relevant to me.

[Shake]

Originally Posted by tamiO

That's the plan. My want to expose this person as a gossiping bitch is what was tempting me to lay it all out on the table. After a lot of thinking about what everyone posted in response; I think ignoring it and being the opposite of what the gossip would have people believe is the best approach.

Thanks, everyone.

In light of this post and liv's earlier one about the bad feelings that come from defending one's self, I am in agreement with this course of action. Only make attempts at defense if you are specifically called out on it ... and even then, you might just try to tactfully defer the challenge.