Things That Never Should Appear in a College Paper

[livius drusus]

• Introductions that begin with "In today's society...,"
• Dictionary definitions,
• Generalized deep thoughts-style quotes,
• Four hundred parenthetical in-text citations next to the most pedestrian, uncontroversial of statements,
• Painfully awkward roundabout phrasing obviously inserted just to jack up the word count,
• Conclusions the end with "In today's society...."

What else?

[Kael]

In today's society, Webster's Dictionary defines "college" as...

[livius drusus]

F-

[Qingdai]

Run on sentences, quotes that aren't cited.

[lisarea]

There used to be a commercial for a forensic investigation certification program at one of those scam schools that started out, "Crimes are an unfortunate part of today's society." It sounded like the kind of thing a third grader would write for their current events oral report.

It made me almost as angry as the fact that there was a commercial for a forensic investigation certification program at one of those scam schools.

[Ymir's blood]

"Dear [newspaper name], I never thought I would be writing to you but something happened to me recently..."

[Crumb]

"To quote Ayn Rand..."

[Watser?]

"To quote Ayn Rand: 'Fuck you!"

[Angakuk]

"This past summer my family took a vacation trip to ...."

[Jerome]

Are you a teacher?

[Vivisectus]

I still think that one of the finest jokes of the entire discworld series is the fact that the asia-inspired counterweight continent is in an uproar because the ground-breaking revolutionary document full of radical and original ideas entitled "What I Did On My Holiday"

[elodieunderglass]

First sentence of college paper: "The war between vegetarians and meat-eaters has raged since the beginning of time." I smiled, thinking the student was meaning to be funny, but when I looked up, he was just staring at me in this weird way.

The tutoring center had a policy of asking Socratic questions rather than telling the student what was wrong with their papers. Assuming that the student was a nice normal kid with no idea how to start a paper, I tried.


What an interesting opening! What tone were you trying for?
*FIXED STARE*


Do you think this might be a bit hyperbolic?
No.


What do you mean when you refer to a 'war'?
Carnivores are incapable of reasoned debates. They will devour the earth whole.


By "the beginning of time" do you mean the beginning of recorded human history?
I MEAN THE BEGINNING OF TIME.

At this point he seemed a bit agitated. He leaned forward and asked if I was a carnivore. I was slightly freaked out, but didn't feel in any danger, as I was in a public place surrounded by people, so I said, "No, I'm an opportunistic omnivore."

He sat back down and was completely placid and pleasant for the rest of the tutoring session.


The second best was a paleontology exam in which the students had been asked to write a 3-4 page paper about the most interesting things they had learned in the class. I hadn't taught the class - I was just grading it.

Dinosours do not have a penis bone , one student contributed. Having exhausted the field of paleontology, he very nicely drew a picture of a brontosaur with an erect human penis and balls on the rest of the paper, which I Xeroxed and treasure to this day.

[ImGod]

Originally Posted by Ymir's blood

"Dear [newspaper name], I never thought I would be writing to you but something happened to me recently..."

"Dear [nudie magazine name], I never thought I would be writing to you but something happened to me recently..."

Seriously dude, in today's society, pics or it didn't happen.



I haven't graded papers for college courses, but I have "graded" reports that new grads generated for paying business clients. One was so bad that I almost ran out of red ink in a pen. I had to correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, graphs and charts, headings and subheadings, page numbering, different fonts in different sections, passive/active voice, you name it. I so wanted to mark up the diploma he had hanging on his wall.

[erimir]

Originally Posted by elodieunderglass

The second best was a paleontology exam in which the students had been asked to write a 3-4 page paper about the most interesting things they had learned in the class. I hadn't taught the class - I was just grading it.

Dinosours do not have a penis bone , one student contributed. Having exhausted the field of paleontology, he very nicely drew a picture of a brontosaur with an erect human penis and balls on the rest of the paper, which I Xeroxed and treasure to this day.

Obviously your response should've been "Humans don't have a penis bone either "

[ceptimus]

Dangling modifiers shouldn't appear anywhere - let alone in a College Paper.

I once wrote a dangling modifer in my best suit, but I was able to get it out using bleach.

Hopefully, "In today's society" may not be considered to be a dangling modifer?

[BrotherMan]

Once Upon a Time...

[chunksmediocrites]

Presumptive statements attributing anything other than strictly physiological reactions to "human nature"; conclusions built on such premises should also be stricken.

The terms irregardless, and slang like boner, finger-banged, or the verb forms of chill or party. Especially not in the same paragraph.

Footnotes that reference Wikipedia, interview with my uncle Bob, or Three Dog Night as the source material.

History papers that credit historical conquerors for things they did not seek, while glossing over the actual human impact of their conquests at the time. Dan Carlin at Hardcore History talked about this recently- the rehabbing of Genghis Khan, or Alexander the Great, for example. Alexander gets credit by some for bringing Hellenistic culture or thought to the Middle East, for example- unintended side effects of his straightforward and chronicled desire for loot, power, glory. Romans didn't conquer Britain because they really wanted to build roads and bridges.

[livius drusus]

Point of personal privilege directed to the chunks: would you accept "The Romans finger-banged the shit out of Britain?"

[Ymir's blood]

Aquaducts!

[Janet]

But what if you're writing for a pop culture class on Mad Men? You would almost be required to use finger-banged.

Speaking of rehabbing Genghis Kahn, I watched a movie about him not too long ago that portrayed him as a feminist, conquering and pillaging to protect women from being kidnapped and raped after conquest. Yes, really.

[Jerome]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

Point of personal privilege directed to the chunks: would you accept "The Romans finger-banged the shit out of Britain?"

It is the reverse as we can see with the lens of history focused through today.

[Angakuk]

I recently watched a documentary type program that basically made the argument that Genghis Khan's conquests were driven by his insatiable desire for nookie.

Also, the genetic legacy of Genghis Khan.

[Jerome]

To get to be a doctor you need to examine new information, or delve deeper than before.

There are lots of phds and little new information to be found...

[Clutch Munny]

Precipitous to rule out Three Dog Night as a credible source. A student asked to comment on Santayana, for example, might well reply "I've Never Been to Spain".

[maddog]

" ... the fact that ..."
and, most especially,
" ... due to the fact that ... "



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