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  #526  
Old 05-12-2016, 10:59 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke


:loud:
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  #527  
Old 05-13-2016, 04:42 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Dog pound.
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  #528  
Old 05-13-2016, 10:01 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Watser? View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeP View Post
What think you, sweetie? Shall we, when the little one gone to sleep is, do it like the doggies?

Oh yes!

[The next morning]
My doggies!

So, translatable. But no longer a joke.
Ok, so the pun is that 'to do it doggie style' in Dutch is 'op zijn/z'n hondjes' which literally also means 'on his doggies'. :blank:
I should have known (did know, should have remembered) that 'op' means 'on'
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  #529  
Old 05-14-2016, 02:04 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

From Brilliantly bad jokes written by children

Quote:
why did tom and jerry get married
Because tom was a boy and jerry was a boy and they were strong as a toliet.
Quote:
what do get when you cross a vampire, homework and brusel sprouts
i dont know its probalely super dangerous
Quote:
hat did the toliet say to the robot?
I DONT KNOW I WASNT THERE WAS I !!!
Quote:
what do you call a fish with no legs
a fsh
Quote:
patient: Doctor Doctor There is a crack in my bum!!!! i need a new one!
Doctor: you maniac! everyone has a crack in their bum now go away!
Quote:
your mum is so thin if she eats a bean she are pregnat
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  #530  
Old 05-17-2016, 07:53 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Doctor Doctor I feel like im a curtain
Shut Up
I don't know why I find that so funny. :laugh:
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  #531  
Old 05-17-2016, 03:53 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Three guys at the train stop are comparing hangovers and the disaster from getting drunk the night before

First says "My wife made me sleep on the couch and I shit myself"

Second says "I didn't make it into the house and slept in the yard"

Third says "I blew chunks"

The first two say "So what? That's nothing"

The third says, "You don't understand, Chunks is the name of my dog"
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  #532  
Old 05-17-2016, 03:54 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sock Puppet View Post
Copypasta'ed from elsewhere. Sue me.


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."
Um, hey... - Page 3 - TalkRational
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  #533  
Old 05-17-2016, 04:00 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Yeah, you mentioned that when I first posted it.
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  #534  
Old 05-17-2016, 04:02 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

So sue me
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  #535  
Old 06-11-2016, 11:00 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
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  #536  
Old 06-11-2016, 11:38 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Gödel was in the car too, but they couldn't prove it.
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  #537  
Old 08-01-2016, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
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  #538  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:19 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Because it was frightened by the enormous squirrel?
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  #539  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:34 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

It's a chicken. :glare:
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  #540  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:42 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

So the chicken is chicken because it's afraid of a squirrel?
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  #541  
Old 08-01-2016, 10:37 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Turtle.
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  #542  
Old 08-02-2016, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I don't see a chicken? Is this some kind of twisted psychological test?
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  #543  
Old 08-02-2016, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the University of Maine.


They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said weakly: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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  #544  
Old 08-07-2016, 11:27 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

The Baptist went back to the forest about a month later, looking for the bear he had converted. He came upon an enormous grizzly, and realized there would be no way to drag this one to the water. The beast was upon him in seconds, ready to slash him to death with one swipe of its enormous claws. So, desperately, he prayed, "Oh Lord, please let this bear be a CHRISTIAN bear!"

The bear immediately bowed its head.

"Oh thank you, Lord," the Baptist groaned.

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  #545  
Old 08-10-2016, 10:45 PM
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A mother and her four year old daughter were walking down a sidewalk when the little girl picked something up from sidewalk and put it in her mouth. Her mother promptly ordered her to spit it out because it was dirty and might be covered with germs. The little girl asked her how she new this. Her mother replied that it was on the Mommy Test, something that every mommy had to pass before she could become a mother. The little girl was suitably impressed and looked at her mother in awe. As they continued the walk it was obvious that the little girl was deep in thought. Suddenly she turned to mother and said "I get it now. If you don't pass the test you have to be a daddy."
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  #546  
Old 02-18-2017, 04:24 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Q: What did Eve say to Adam when he asked her to go for a walk in the garden with him?

A: I can't possibly go. I don't have a thing to wear.
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  #547  
Old 02-18-2017, 12:52 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

An Arab crawls through the desert croaking, "Water!, water!"
The only other guy in sight is a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water!, water!"
"All I've got is these ties. Tell you what, four miles that way there's a restaurant - they'll fix you up."
* crawls away in indicated direction.
* crawls back again a few hours later.
"Water!, water!"
"What's the matter? Didn't you find the restaurant?"
"Yes, but they won't let me in without a tie."
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  #548  
Old 02-19-2017, 11:49 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Want an effective diet?

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  #549  
Old 04-04-2017, 11:37 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up potatoes. An American tourist leaned over the fence and shouted out : " back home in Texas we grow potatoes that are five times that size."
"Aye laddie," replied the Scotsman, " but we only grow them to fit our own mouths."

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