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  #1  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:08 PM
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Default Somebody Tell A Joke

I can never remember jokes so obviously I can't tell them. Y'all cough up, and see that they don't suck. :whup:
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  #2  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:12 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?

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  #3  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:20 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A little girl is eating a lollipop while getting a haircut.

Hairdresser says: Young lady, you're going to get hair on your candy.

Little girl says: Yeah, I know, I'm going to get boobs too. :rimshot:
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  #4  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:21 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:chuckle:
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  #5  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:21 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

My Mom sends out stupid jokes all of the time, here you go (be afraid):

Astronaut: Wanna fly?
Copilot: Sure
Astronaut: Wait a second--I'll catch one for you.

What do you call a spaceman who is invisible?
An Astronaught

What do you call a crazy spaceman?
An astronut.

Two astronauts were in a space craft circling thousands of miles above the earth. According to plan, on astronaut was to leave the ship and go on a 15 minute space walk. The other was to remain inside.
After completing his walk, the first astronaut tried to get back inside, but the door was locked. He knocked. There was no answer. He knocked louder. Still no answer. He pounded with all his might.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, a voice from inside the space craft spoke up. "Who's there?'
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  #6  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:22 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I specifically asked that they not suck, Scotty. Assume the position. :spank:
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  #7  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:24 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by livius drusus
:spank:
Whoa, where's the line-up for telling sucky jokes?
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  #8  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:31 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by livius drusus
I specifically asked that they not suck, Scotty. Assume the position. :spank:
I knew I could count on you.

-Scott

How about a quiz question?

Which of these varieties of nuts don't grow in shells?
A) Pecans
B) Cashews
C) Chestnuts
D) Brazil Nuts
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  #9  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:35 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clutch Munny
Whoa, where's the line-up for telling sucky jokes?
Right behind Scotty, evidently. :glare:
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  #10  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:44 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A dog goes into an internet cafe and says, "I'd like to send an email". The waiter is stunned, but collects his wits, sits down at a computer, and prepares to take dictation. The dog clear his throat and says, "Bow wow bow wow bow wow, bow wow bow wow."

The waiter finishes typing, but checks his watch before clicking Send. "You know," he says, "there's a minimum charge for time and you haven't quite used yours up. There's still time to throw another couple bow-wows in there."

"O--kay," the dog says slowly. "But... well, wouldn't that sound a little bit ridiculous?"


I love that joke. Many of my friends believe that this fact says a great deal about my factory-presets.
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  #11  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Hear about the constipated mathematician?

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  #12  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:48 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Well Clutch, your dreams have come true. We'll start off with a little of :spank:, and close with some :SM:.

Oh man, I just saw the spoiled one. Bad, bad Clutch. :spank:
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  #13  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:49 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A magician, nearing the end of his show, called for a volunteer from the audience for his next trick. A young man volunteers, and the magician motions him up to the stage. The magician then says "Sir, I am going to lay my head down on this table. I then want you to take this sledge hammer, and hit me in the head as hard as you can!"

The young man said "A...are you sure?", to which the magician replied "Yes! Absolutely! Don't worry, this is magic!"

So, the magician laid his head down on the table, the young man lifted the sledge hammer up and struck...

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  #14  
Old 12-14-2004, 10:55 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What's purple, commutes, and has a finite number of worshippers?



What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?

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Last edited by Goliath; 12-14-2004 at 11:17 PM. Reason: Apparently, I can't spell "lemon".
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  #15  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:03 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:rubeyes:
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  #16  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:05 PM
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Default for goliath...

One spring a couple goes hiking through the nature preserve. Everywhere they look they see animals and their young: robins with the hatchlings, bears with their cubs, deer with fawns... but then, next to the path, just two adult snakes.

"What's up?" they say to the snakes. "No youngsters for you?"

"We are adders," the snakes reply. "We can't multiply."




The next year the couple goes back for another springtime visit. The park is in good shape; the roads have been repaired, signs are freshly painted, and some rough-hewn picnic tables have been placed here and there. Again they see many animals with their young, and this time they see the snakes, curled up on one of the picnic tables, with a whole brood of snakelings.

"What happened?" the couple asks.

The snakes reply,
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  #17  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:09 PM
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Default Re: for goliath...

Math nerd jokes? Both of you are seriously hankerin' for a spankerin'.
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  #18  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:13 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

This is my favorite joke of all time:

Rene Descartes goes into a bar. He sits there drinking for a while with his friends. It gets to be closing time and the barkeep says,
"Last call! Want one more for the road?"

Rene Descartes gets up, shakes his head reluctantly, and says, "I think not."

and !!POOF!! he disappears!!

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  #19  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:14 PM
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Default Re: for goliath...

Alice and Bill are in their sunset years in a nursing home. Both of their minds have started to slip away, as minds sometimes do at that age. So, one day, Alice is convinced that she's a differentiable operator. She runs around, screaming and pointing at people and saying "I differentiate you! I am d/dx!" Almost all of the other residents act as though they're in pain and move away when Alice yells "I differentiate you!"

Almost everyone, that is, except Bill. When Alice got to Bill, she yelled out "I differentiate you! I am d/dx!" ....Bill had no reply, except to pick up a newspaper and start reading.

Alice again screamed "I differentiate you!"

...Bill flipped to the Sports section.

Again, Alice screamed out "I differentiate you! I am d/dx! You will be differentiated!"

To which Bill replied:
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  #20  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:15 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Cashews?



Heard this on the radio the other day. I think it'll qualify me for a good, hard spanking, too. In fact, I'll present my :donkey: now, I think - I'm just that keen. :wink:


So, three guys are in a strip club checking out all the girls and wishing they were the pole. They spy one girl who they think is particularly hot, and the first guy motions to her to come over. So she sashays across the floor to the guy and does a little bum dance at eye level for him. The guy is impressed with the eye candy, and showing off to his mates he pulls out a ten dollar bill, licks it, and slaps it on her ass like a stamp, and away she sashays again.

Anyway, number two guy also thought she was pretty darned fine, and he wonders how he can up the ante and impress her more than his friend did, and in the process look more impressive to his mates, too. So he motions her to back to their table. She slinks across the floor to the lads and again presents her booty for some tangible approval. Guy 2 pulls a $50 bill from his wallet, licks it, and slaps it on her rump like a stamp.

Whoa! Guy number 3 thinks. What am I gonna do to beat that?! (Lads in strip joints are so competitive, don'cha know). Anyway, he gestures for her brief company once again, and she bumps and grinds her way across the floor to the throbbing beat of 70's porn tunes. When she gets to guy number 3, she shimmies and shakes like a girl who knows she's on her way to San Fernando Valley Starletdom. Turning and bending, she presents her tush to Guy #3. Being the smooth dude that he is, he whips out his ATM card, swipes it down her bum, picks up the $60 stuck to her sweet cheeks and heads home.
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  #21  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:15 PM
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Default Re: for goliath...

LOL...well done, Clutch! :)
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  #22  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:20 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

LOL. You funny people. :D
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  #23  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:26 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

* Goliath still waits patiently in line....

:innocent:
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  #24  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:27 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Here you go, then, Goliath. :spank: Bad math nerd. Bad.
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  #25  
Old 12-14-2004, 11:30 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goliath
* Goliath still waits patiently in line....

:innocent:

I'll do it! :D


here ya go, Goliath...


:paddlin: :SM: :slapface:

...I can't find all the relevant smilies... :blush:
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