A recent Scottish immigrant to the USA attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
Please God, save me from your followers. Come yourself, don't send Jesus. This is not a job for children.
A Christian threatening me with hell is like a Hippie threatening to punch my aura.
So, this traveling salesman gets stuck in a snowstorm in a strange town and can't find a hotel anywhere. He stops in the coffee shop, though, and someone tells him where there's an old woman who sometimes rents rooms, so he goes to the house and asks if he can stay the night. She says, "Oh, well, I wasn't exactly prepared for guests, but of course you can."
The next morning, he comes down for breakfast, and the woman asks him how he slept.
"Oh, wonderfully! The room was lovely! The sheets were soft, the towels were clean, and the homemade potato chips were a lovely touch. They were delicious!"
"Wha...?" she replies, "The homemade potat... OH, MY GOD! MY...MY SCAB COLLECTION!!!"
Oh, yeah. So guess what? I lied is what. That is a really dumb joke. HA HA!
I thought I was never going to see another funny one.
Awww, now that's not very encouraging.
Anyway, out in the Kalihari Desert, a South African, an Australian and a Kiwi were sitting around a campfire being the intrepid travellers they are. And being men, they were bragging about their tough manliness.
The South African* begins: "I was once sailing from Capetown to Greece, when a huge wave over-turned our yacht near Gibralta. My foot had become tangled in the rigging and I couldn't get my head above water. Luckily, I caught a good lung full of air before being sucked underneath. As I wrestled with the ropes around my ankle, I felt the heavy breath of a great white shark. I nearly-bloody-shit myself. Fucking thing has it's jaws wide and was looking for lunch. So I grabbed the [steering wheel thing] and ripped it from its bolts. In a whirlpool of bubbles and churning water created by my muscularliness, I managed to hammer that shark right in his sensitive genital area. Without a word of a lie, that shark lost his appetite quicker than you can say cheetah. But not before I was able to rip his jaw out and use it to cut myself free, and swim the rest of the way to Greece."
The Australian tells his tale: "Oy wis once crosseeng thee Amazon Jungle een a loight aircrahft, whin thee bloody engeen cawt fire. Weell, fair dinkum, mate, I hed to jump. The fall broke moi ahm, but thit wis nawt the end of it. A bloody pythin, 50 feet long and 30 feet round, wis loookeeng moi roight in thee oiys. Weell, I hed to wrehstle thet fulla, brokin ahm an'awll. Gawt 'eem een thee ind, though. Oi reeped a tree frim behoind moi weeth moi gud ahm an' shoved eet down 'ees throte. Foinally maniged to git outta there by sweengin' loike bloody Tarzen teel oi fownd the coast ind wis able to sweem home."
The Kiwi said nothing. He just quietly listened to the men's tales as he stoked the fire with his penis.
Can't do South African accents. Probably just as well.
“Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.”
A Baptist, a Pagan, and an Atheist are all in the ladies' restroom in a bar. They all exit their stalls at the same time.
The Baptist scrubs her hands with hot water and soap all the way up to her elbows, dries off with copious amounts of paper towels, and says to the other two women, "As a Christian, I have learned that cleanliness is next to Godliness."
The Pagan steps up to the sink, dabs her fingertips in the water puddled there, and daintily dries her fingers on a tiny scrap of towel. She looks at the other two women and says, "As a Pagan, I respect the Earth and only use what I need, and no more."
The Atheist looks at both of them and says, "As an Atheist, I've learned not to piss on my hands." and walks out.
Raising root veggie consciousness one post at a time.
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night.
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork.
"Reason is the enemy of faith ..."
- Martin Luther
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"