Go Back   Freethought Forum > The Amphitheater > The Atrium

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 12-15-2004, 03:37 PM
JoeP's Avatar
JoeP JoeP is offline
[thanks] whisperer
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: England/Miisaland
Gender: Male
Posts: XXMMDCCCLXXXV
Images: 18
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ymir's blood
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.
__________________

:roadrun:
Free thought! Please take one!

:unitedkingdom:   :southafrica:   :unitedkingdom::finland:       :eur::sadcheer: "Strong and stable"
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 12-15-2004, 03:50 PM
JoeP's Avatar
JoeP JoeP is offline
[thanks] whisperer
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: England/Miisaland
Gender: Male
Posts: XXMMDCCCLXXXV
Images: 18
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by lunachick
Anyway, out in the Kalihari Desert, a South African, an Australian and a Kiwi were sitting around a campfire being the intrepid travellers they are. And being men, they were bragging about their tough manliness.

The South African* begins:


Can't do South African accents. Probably just as well. :blush: :D
Your South African accent sounded just right to me :P
__________________

:roadrun:
Free thought! Please take one!

:unitedkingdom:   :southafrica:   :unitedkingdom::finland:       :eur::sadcheer: "Strong and stable"
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 12-15-2004, 03:53 PM
livius drusus's Avatar
livius drusus livius drusus is offline
Admin of THIEVES and SLUGABEDS
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: LVCCCLXXII
Images: 5
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeP
Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.
:mememe:
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 12-15-2004, 07:11 PM
Ymir's blood's Avatar
Ymir's blood Ymir's blood is offline
Coffin Creep
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: The nightmare realm
Posts: XXMXXVI
Images: 67
Comedy Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeP
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ymir's blood
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.
For the love of Thalia, don't do it man!

:lalala:
__________________
Much of MADNESS, and more of SIN, and HORROR the soul of the plot.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 12-15-2004, 07:11 PM
Clutch Munny's Avatar
Clutch Munny Clutch Munny is offline
Clutchenheimer
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: VMMMLXXXV
Images: 1
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Man goes to an upscale club to meet up with some friends. Gets to the door, the bouncer says, "Sorry, you need a tie to enter."

"You can't be serious," the guy says in disgust. "My friends are in there waiting for me!"

"Tough luck. Nothing around your neck, you don't get in."

"Fine." The guy stomps back to his car, pops the trunk, and grabs his set of booster cables.* He loops them around his neck, stomps back to the door, and says, "There, is that good enough for you?"

The bouncer sighs in resignation.






* Jump leads, for those in the UK.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 12-15-2004, 08:17 PM
copiae's Avatar
copiae copiae is offline
quiescent
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: CLIV
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A duck walks (waddles?) into a bar, and asks the bartender:

"You got any bread?"

The bartender explains to the duck that this is a bar, and bars don't serve any bread.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, and again asks the bartender:

"You got any bread?"

The bartender again explains that this is a bar, and that bars don't serve bread.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, and asks the bartender:

"You got any bread?"

The bartender, now quite annoyed, replies "No. And if you come in and ask me that question one more time, I am going to nail your beak into the wall!"

A couple of days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again. He asks the bartender:

"You got any nails?"

"Nope", the bartender replies.


Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 12-15-2004, 10:41 PM
Goliath's Avatar
Goliath Goliath is offline
select custom_user_title from user_info where username='Goliath';
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Kansas City, MO
Gender: Male
Posts: MMDCCVII
Images: 1
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Two guys walk towards a bar....the shorter one keeps going.
__________________
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 12-15-2004, 10:42 PM
livius drusus's Avatar
livius drusus livius drusus is offline
Admin of THIEVES and SLUGABEDS
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: LVCCCLXXII
Images: 5
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:chuckle: Y'all are doing much better on this page. :appl:
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 12-16-2004, 12:11 AM
Ymir's blood's Avatar
Ymir's blood Ymir's blood is offline
Coffin Creep
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: The nightmare realm
Posts: XXMXXVI
Images: 67
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What can I get for you?"

The seal replies,
__________________
Much of MADNESS, and more of SIN, and HORROR the soul of the plot.
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 12-16-2004, 01:24 AM
Goliath's Avatar
Goliath Goliath is offline
select custom_user_title from user_info where username='Goliath';
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Kansas City, MO
Gender: Male
Posts: MMDCCVII
Images: 1
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Just heard this one:

Why doesn't Santa know which websites you've visited?

__________________
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
Reply With Quote
  #61  
Old 12-16-2004, 02:01 AM
BigBlue2's Avatar
BigBlue2 BigBlue2 is offline
Sachse ohne den blöden Dialekt
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Sydney, Australia. Ursprünglich Kurfürstentum Braunschweig-Lüneburg
Posts: DCC
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2.There are no dental records.
__________________

Please God, save me from your followers. Come yourself, don't send Jesus. This is not a job for children.

A Christian threatening me with hell is like a Hippie threatening to punch my aura.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 12-16-2004, 02:12 AM
BigBlue2's Avatar
BigBlue2 BigBlue2 is offline
Sachse ohne den blöden Dialekt
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Sydney, Australia. Ursprünglich Kurfürstentum Braunschweig-Lüneburg
Posts: DCC
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A bloke comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his missus, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him another beer. He finishes that as well and says, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" His missus blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The bloke sighs, "Shit, it's started...".
__________________

Please God, save me from your followers. Come yourself, don't send Jesus. This is not a job for children.

A Christian threatening me with hell is like a Hippie threatening to punch my aura.
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 12-16-2004, 02:40 AM
Goliath's Avatar
Goliath Goliath is offline
select custom_user_title from user_info where username='Goliath';
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Kansas City, MO
Gender: Male
Posts: MMDCCVII
Images: 1
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Did you hear about the confused guy who used to be a porn star in the 80's and who is now working the full-service pump at a gas station?

__________________
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 12-16-2004, 03:33 AM
Dingfod's Avatar
Dingfod Dingfod is offline
Name Dropper
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In a Hole
Gender: Male
Posts: XLMMCCCLXVII
Blog Entries: 21
Images: 92
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeP
Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.
I'm afraid not.
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 12-16-2004, 06:20 AM
Ymir's blood's Avatar
Ymir's blood Ymir's blood is offline
Coffin Creep
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: The nightmare realm
Posts: XXMXXVI
Images: 67
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by warrenly
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeP
Hands up anyone who has not heard the "three pieces of string" joke.
I'm afraid not.
:faint:
__________________
Much of MADNESS, and more of SIN, and HORROR the soul of the plot.
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 12-16-2004, 07:14 AM
Dingfod's Avatar
Dingfod Dingfod is offline
Name Dropper
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In a Hole
Gender: Male
Posts: XLMMCCCLXVII
Blog Entries: 21
Images: 92
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Did you hear about the magician that was walking down Main Street and turned into a drugstore?
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 12-16-2004, 07:27 AM
Dingfod's Avatar
Dingfod Dingfod is offline
Name Dropper
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In a Hole
Gender: Male
Posts: XLMMCCCLXVII
Blog Entries: 21
Images: 92
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

My dad used to tell this little amusing poem:

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
The admission is free so pay at the door.
I stand up before you and sit behind you,
to tell you a story I know nothing about.

One day, in the middle of the night,
two dead boys arose to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other.
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 12-16-2004, 07:29 AM
Dingfod's Avatar
Dingfod Dingfod is offline
Name Dropper
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In a Hole
Gender: Male
Posts: XLMMCCCLXVII
Blog Entries: 21
Images: 92
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Did you hear about the blind man that picked up a hammer and saw?
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 12-16-2004, 11:35 PM
JoeP's Avatar
JoeP JoeP is offline
[thanks] whisperer
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: England/Miisaland
Gender: Male
Posts: XXMMDCCCLXXXV
Images: 18
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Santa only comes once a year, but when he does, he fills your stockings.
__________________

:roadrun:
Free thought! Please take one!

:unitedkingdom:   :southafrica:   :unitedkingdom::finland:       :eur::sadcheer: "Strong and stable"
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 12-17-2004, 03:01 AM
Dingfod's Avatar
Dingfod Dingfod is offline
Name Dropper
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In a Hole
Gender: Male
Posts: XLMMCCCLXVII
Blog Entries: 21
Images: 92
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeP
Santa only comes once a year, but when he does, he fills your stockings.
That just sleighs me. :sleigh:
Reply With Quote
  #71  
Old 12-17-2004, 03:26 AM
BigBlue2's Avatar
BigBlue2 BigBlue2 is offline
Sachse ohne den blöden Dialekt
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Sydney, Australia. Ursprünglich Kurfürstentum Braunschweig-Lüneburg
Posts: DCC
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
__________________

Please God, save me from your followers. Come yourself, don't send Jesus. This is not a job for children.

A Christian threatening me with hell is like a Hippie threatening to punch my aura.
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 12-17-2004, 11:08 PM
Nex's Avatar
Nex Nex is offline
Root Vegetable
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: LXXVI
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

This joke is only funny in context, and probably not funny to any parents.

Sitting in a 24/7 coffee shop at maybe 3:30 am, myself and 3 male friends were having a great time until a young couple came in and sat down at the table next to us. They had a screaming (as in, my ears were ringing because of this) baby that obviously needed to be in bed hours ago.

After about 20 minutes, the couple had finished their quick meal and were enjoying some coffee as their devil-spawn continued to screech.

One of my friends said in a very loud voice: "You know that soft spot in a baby's head?"

The couple looked over at us, and as they did so, he said loudly...



They cleared out. :D Thank bob that baby finally got some sleep, poor thing.
__________________
Raising root veggie consciousness one post at a time.
Reply With Quote
Thanks, from:
mindbender (07-27-2008)
  #73  
Old 12-18-2004, 12:16 AM
Goliath's Avatar
Goliath Goliath is offline
select custom_user_title from user_info where username='Goliath';
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Kansas City, MO
Gender: Male
Posts: MMDCCVII
Images: 1
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

LOL! Awesome joke, Nex! I've gotta remember that one. I absolutely hate hearing a screaming baby while I'm trying to enjoy a meal...in fact, if I were an entrepreneur, I'd try to open a restaraunt with a "Family" section and an "Adults only" section, with a soundproof wall between the two sections.
__________________
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 12-18-2004, 06:16 AM
WhyBeNormal's Avatar
WhyBeNormal WhyBeNormal is offline
loves smutty fanfic
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Northeast Ohio, USA
Posts: VIII
Default

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 12-19-2004, 02:17 AM
Desert Dweller's Avatar
Desert Dweller Desert Dweller is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: in the desert
Posts: CCXXI
Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Pres,.Bush gets off the chopper carrying two pigs.

"Nice pigs,Sir", says the guard on the ground.
"They're not pigs, son, these are genuine Texan razor-backs;
I got one for condalesa Rice and one for Donald Runmsfeld".

"Nice swap,Sir".
--------------------------

Guy goes into a pet shop and buys all the budgies, 95 in all.
Then goes to a tailor and asks him to sew 95 little pockets onto his jacket.
He puts a budgie in each pocket, climbs to the roof of a building, jumps off, and lands...splat...on the garden.
when he came to he was heard to say. "I'm not trying that budgie jumping again!"

------------------------------

Dad and Dave were having lunch out in the bush. On the next ridge there was a big dingo male, licking his balls.
"Wish I could do that" says Dave.
"Hmm" Said Dad, " You'd better pat him first."
__________________
Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankind;
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee. (John Donne)
Reply With Quote
Reply

  Freethought Forum > The Amphitheater > The Atrium


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

 

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:58 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Page generated in 0.37016 seconds with 14 queries