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  #26  
Old 04-09-2008, 03:13 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Young Helga was delighted to receive a kitten on her sixth birthday. Imagine her surprise when, 2 months later, it ran away. It also rained that day.
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  #27  
Old 04-09-2008, 03:28 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

20. Helmut met an old acquaintance at a shop in town. His acquaintance, who had been familiar with Helmut's wife from several years prior, commented that she had gained a significant amount of weight.

Helmut replied that indeed, she had. His wife had been feeling ill for some time, and he suspected, too, that she was unhappy with their marriage. The weight gain, he explained, was likely as a result of his wife's recent inactivity, as well as her tendency to overeat in order to console herself.
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  #28  
Old 04-09-2008, 06:04 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I think I have figured it out. I since this enlightenment came with great mental effort and a major investment of my time I wish to share it with the others who may be as lost as I once was. it really comes down to one simple fact that makes it all plain as day:
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  #29  
Old 04-09-2008, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

A young person was not understanding the jokes on a forum. He repeatedly returned to the thread whereon the jokes were posted in an effort to laugh. He did not laugh and he went insane.

His co-workers avoided him because he would not stop asking "WHAT is so FUNNY?"
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  #30  
Old 04-09-2008, 06:34 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

21. Bernhard, after many years of hard study with the violin, has at last secured himself a position in the back desk of the second violin section of the Rundfunk-Sinfonieorchester Berlin. On his way to his first concert, he unfortunately loses his way in the many backstreets of the city. Finally, in some desperation he approaches an old accordion player seated on the steps leading up to the darkened, forbidding doors of a deserted church.
"Can you please tell me the way to get to the Berlin Konzerthaus?" Bernhard asks hopefully of the ragged old musician.
Sadly the old man shakes his head and, in a thick Bavarian accent which reminds Berhard of his great Aunt Agathe, replies
"I am sorry, but I do not know where it is. I have never reached the required standard on the accordion to play there."

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  #31  
Old 04-09-2008, 06:35 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crumb View Post
I think I have figured it out. I since this enlightenment came with great mental effort and a major investment of my time I wish to share it with the others who may be as lost as I once was. it really comes down to one simple fact that makes it all plain as day:
:joecool2: :mock:

Hahaha, Crumb doesn't get it.
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  #32  
Old 04-09-2008, 06:47 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

22. A woman by the name of Suzhanna submitted some paperwork to government bureaucrat Gunter.

While reviewing the forms, Gunter commented on the unusual spelling of Suzhanna's given name.

"Yes," replied Suzhanna, "I had the spelling of my name changed because I am a lesbian."

"I see," Gunter said, "However, I do not know whether our database contains a field to input information such as this."
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  #33  
Old 04-09-2008, 06:54 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

A student with the surname Schmidt went into the local bookseller's.

"Shopkeep," said Schmidt, approaching the service counter, "I am looking for the works of Max Weber."

The shopkeeper consulted his files and directed the young Schmidt to the appropriate shelf.
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  #34  
Old 04-09-2008, 07:03 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

So true, so true!
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Old 04-09-2008, 07:15 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

A young woman named Shecklegruber went to Germany on holiday.
The hotel clerk raised his eyebrow when she spelled her name out for him.
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  #36  
Old 04-09-2008, 08:00 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Dieter was dissatisfied with the political direction of his country and decided to seek a seat in the Bundestag. He further decided to begin campaigning in the winter.

Upon hearing of Dieter's plans, his wife Greta exclaimed, "A winter campaign? Who do you think you are, Frederick the Great?"

Whereupon Dieter and Greta chuckled reservedly.
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  #37  
Old 04-09-2008, 11:02 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

26
Helmut and his wife, Berta (she was from Schwabia) owned a small farm on the outskirts of Ülmhausen. The farm had previously been owned by Helmut's father Dietrich and before that by his grandfather Heinrich. Helmut and Berta worked very hard on the farm and it was a big success. Then Berta gave birth to twins, Dagmar and Siegfried. Because of the time required to take care of the two children Berta was no longer able to provide Helmut with the assistance he required to efficiently manage the farm. So, Helmut had to hire some additional help. He found a likely young fellow by the name of Göttfried. Göttfried was a very hard worker and was willing to work for very low wages. The situation seemed to be just about perfect. However, Göttfried had one very bad habit. He smoked a pipe. It was not so bad that he smoked a pipe, but for the fact that he like to smoke his pipe in the barn. Helmut politely asked Göttfried, on numerous occasions, to please not smoke his pipe in the barn as there was a very real danger of setting the hay on fire.

One day in late summer, just after having completed a cutting of hay, Helmut had to drive his old truck into Ülmhausen (he needed to purchase some canning supplies because Berta was planning to put up some sauerkraut). He instructed Göttfried to finish loading the new mown hay into the barn. He also reminded Göttfried to not smoke his pipe in the barn, due to the danger of fire.

Helmut arrived home to find both his house and his barn a smoking ruin. Berta, Dagmar and Siegfried had been trapped in the burning house and their bodies burnt almost beyond recognition. Even Helmut's faithful hound, Fritz, had died in the fire. It appeared that Fritz had gone into the burning house to rescue Berta, Dagmar and Siegfried and been trapped and killed as well. There was no sign anywhere of Göttfried. However, in the ashes of the destroyed barn Helmut found the charred remains of Göttfried's pipe.

Ruined financially and emotionally distraught, Helmut set out to find Göttfried and settle things with him. He vowed to himself and to God that, if it was the last thing he would ever do, he would do this thing. For years Helmut traveled all over Germany in his old truck. He sought for Göttfried in every city, every village and on every farm in Germany. At long last, after 10 years, 3 months and 16 days of searching he located Göttfried in a beer garden in Augsburg. Even with the passage of time it was unmistakably Göttfried. Exhausted by the years of searching and still grieving deeply over the loss of his wife, his children, his dog and his farm, Helmut dragged himself across the floor of the beer garden and confronted Göttfried face to face. Drawing himself up to his full height of 5 feet 7 and one-half inches Helmut looked up into the blood shot and bleary eyes of the one man who had done him the greatest harm he had ever experienced in his life and said, "Göttfried, here is the money I owe you for the two weeks in August that you worked. I regret to say that I can no longer keep you in my employ."
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  #38  
Old 04-09-2008, 11:33 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I feel guilty, but I must :rofl:
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  #39  
Old 04-10-2008, 12:33 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I think I must have a strange sense of humor because I too find most of these quite amusing, one eyebrow raising even.
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:18 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

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I think I must have a strange sense of humor because I too find most of these quite amusing, one eyebrow raising even.
A person on the interweb found jokes to be amusing. So much so that he raised one eyebrow in mirth.

"Hey, calm down," his co-workers said nervously.
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  #41  
Old 04-10-2008, 01:22 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Strangely enough, I've been reading these jokes aloud to my coworker, he doesn't get them either.
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:54 AM
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....
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:54 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Hans, a man of 80 years, was in relaxation upon his porch. To his astonishment, Schultz, a man of 90 years came running briskly up to Hans. "Schultz, I do not comprehend how you are so vigorous at 90 years of age" said Hans. "It is not a thing to be known by all, but I will tell you, Hans." "Every morning I have Rye bread for my meal." "This is how you run?" asked Hans. "Yes" replied Schultz. "Also, it very much helps with husbandly duties" intimated Schultz with a knowing smile.

On the way home, Hans stops at the market and asks Olga if she sells rye bread. "yes, of course, how many loaves." Hans, remembering his last try for intimacy with Gretchen, his wife, replied "six loaves please!" Olga said "Hans, by the time you get to the last loaf, it will be hard." Hans left with his bread wondering if everyone but him knew this secret.
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  #44  
Old 04-10-2008, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

29. Two sheep; they are fine specimens of the breed known as Merinolandschaf; are grazing in a small field belonging to a farm a few kilometres east of Leipzig. The name of the farmer is not recorded.

Suddenly these sheep hear a heavy flapping sound, and on looking up into the air, they are surprised to see a small pig flying over the pasture at a height of 6 or perhaps 6.5 metres. Naturally the sheep find this very amusing and burst into laughter. After they have recovered their composure, the one sheep says to the other,
"If we were not characters in a joke told for the sake of amusement, I believe that would not be the least bit funny."
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  #45  
Old 04-10-2008, 03:09 AM
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  #46  
Old 04-10-2008, 03:18 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Your mom.
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:38 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

In their regressive ways, the Bumpkinish Bavarians tried to derail the thread.

It did not work and they moped while their friends laughed at the wasted effort.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:19 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Upon due discussion and consideration, lisarea and I have decided to cast atheism aside and become Lutherans based solely on Angakuk's total pwnage of this, the most excellent of all excellent threads.
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  #49  
Old 04-10-2008, 04:26 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Just so we're clear on this and all: Lutheran is like gay or something, right?
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  #50  
Old 04-10-2008, 04:34 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

:yup:

Like gay, but with hymns. And lutkefiske.
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