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  #51  
Old 04-10-2008, 04:35 AM
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:36 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I'm with you, I laughed and laughed at the Ang's yoke so much I'll become Lutheran. However, I thought Angakuk was Episcopal.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:53 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

amusing though it was, i question whether angakuk's joke was authentically teutonic in nature, and not simply a joke about germans. we must take care to maintain the quality and purity of this thread.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:55 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Wasn't there someone in Germany once who was concerned about ethnic purity?
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:56 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Oh, come now. Surely we must have Lachensraum.
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Old 04-10-2008, 05:20 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Lutkefiske? The reason my ancestors left Norway.
Count me out.
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  #57  
Old 04-10-2008, 06:54 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Quote:
Originally Posted by oblomov View Post
amusing though it was, i question whether angakuk's joke was authentically teutonic in nature, and not simply a joke about germans. we must take care to maintain the quality and purity of this thread.
Though doing so may cost me some converts to Lutheranism, I have to admit that oblomov's skepticism is well placed. The joke is not authentically Teutonic. Neither, however, was it (in its original form) about Germans. In the original version of that joke the character of Helmut was a Cherokee farmer in Oklahoma. The punch line to the original version was "You better not do that again."

In typically Teutonic fashion I will now explain that the original version of the joke was a rather subtle commentary on the relative powerlessness of Native Americans when it comes to dealing with the institutionalized oppression of U.S. society. I simply Germanified the joke by changing the names of the characters and the locations, introducing copious and irrelevant detail and replacing the original punch line with one that puts the focus on a punctilious attention to the fulfillment of personal obligations.

In any case, I am gratified that so many of you enjoyed the joke and I apologize for both the deception and the fact that you actually found it funny.
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  #58  
Old 04-10-2008, 07:07 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

i wholeheartedly accept your apology and trust that you will do your best to avoid amusing me in the future.
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  #59  
Old 04-10-2008, 08:31 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

A pair of university students in Frankfurt decided to conduct a behavioral study. They found two phone booths in close proximity to each other near the city center, and they posted official-looking signs on each; one said "Men only" and the other "Women only." For days, they studied the booths and learned that the people quite readily obeyed the signs and used the appropriate booth for their gender. They found that people would queue up at the correct booth, even if the other was vacant. It wasn't until the fifth day of the study that a woman dared to enter the "Men only" telephone booth.

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  #60  
Old 04-10-2008, 07:16 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

31. Ernst, a youth aged sixteen years, asked his mother one morning if she knew of the whereabouts of his favorite shirt.

"Look in your shirt drawer, which is the second one down," she replied.

"It is not there, Mother. I already checked."

A few moments later, he emerged, wearing his favorite shirt.

"I see you found your shirt, Ernst. Where was it?" asked his mother.

Ernst lowered his gaze and replied softly, "It was in my trousers drawer."
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  #61  
Old 04-10-2008, 08:57 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Wolf and his good friend Karl decided to go to the cinema. They noticed that their theater seat assignments were printed on the tickets, even though the entire viewing area appeared to be empty but for the two of them. They proceeded to sit in the center of the middle row of the theater. Moments before the film began, a nervous-looking, older woman came in and sat down immediately to the right of Karl, despite the fact that many other seats were obviously available, there being only the three of them in the entire theater. The woman seemed to be agitated, and kept glancing furtively at Karl and Wolf.

About halfway into the film's showing, Karl, overcome with curiosity, asked the woman, "Entschuldegen Sie bitte, is there anything the matter, meine Dame?"

"You are sitting in my assigned seat," the woman replied.

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  #62  
Old 04-11-2008, 01:52 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Entschül--, gottverdammte!
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  #63  
Old 04-11-2008, 06:52 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

A person stumbled into a German Jokes Thread unaware that all posts should be in the form of a German Joke. Her next post was in the form of a German Joke.
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  #64  
Old 04-11-2008, 10:15 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

one august mueller, a life-long resident of mainz, was 33 years of age but unmarried. consequently he suffered from terribly low self-esteem and spent many non-working hours on the internet discussing his high regard for the early hits of musician rod stewart with other, similarly unfortunate individuals. august particularly enjoyed his conversations with rosemarie klein, who had recently moved to wiesbaden from stuttgart in order to care for her ageing mother. rosemarie's sympathetic nature and moderate intelligence aroused in august the courage to suggest that they meet. rosemarie accepted his offer, and at the appointed date and time they shared tea and cake in a small cafe of which rosemarie was fond. rosemarie allowed august to pay their bill, although she found him somewhat less engaging in person. as they parted, august made an ill-advised sexual advance which rosemarie rebuffed.
disheartened, august decided against pursuing relationships online and resolved to alleviate his dissatisfaction in life by labouring more diligently at his job. five months later he was awarded a promotion, and put in a position of authority over twelve co-workers.
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  #65  
Old 04-11-2008, 01:22 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynical-Chick View Post
Entschül--, gottverdammte!
Umlauts would've made it far too authentic.
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  #66  
Old 04-12-2008, 12:39 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

effie, ute and lili, three lidl shop-assistants in hamburg, were sharing a cigarette break.
'ute,' said effie, 'i have a bar of kinder bueno, which i purchased earlier so that i might enjoy it at this time. would you accept a piece of it?'
'yes thank you,' replied ute, 'however, i do believe that milka chocolate is of a higher standard.'
'and you lili?' asked effie, 'would you accept a piece of kinder bueno?'
lili flushed briefly before replying, 'i must regretfully confess that i do not eat chocolate!'
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  #67  
Old 04-12-2008, 12:50 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Reinhard and his friend Peter from Manchester were sitting in a Biergarten in München.
"You know" said Peter, "I'll never understand you Germans. Your beer is among the best in the world, yet your sense of humour is seriously lacking."
"Quatsch" said Reinhard, "That's what people say but we are very funny and amusing."
And he had the pie-charts to prove it.
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  #68  
Old 04-12-2008, 06:29 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

That one was 63% better than the rest, jawohl!
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  #69  
Old 04-12-2008, 07:50 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

That's the spirit!
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Old 04-14-2008, 12:42 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

One day, a young man named Ludwig - who was mostly deaf in his inner ear, near the centre of the drum - became very frustrated that he couldn't hear his friends talking together so very well, that he decided to release his frustration by playing aggressively and discordantly on his father's old piano. But poor Ludwig couldn't do this very well, and ended up he mades some of the most beautiful music in the world!
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  #71  
Old 04-14-2008, 04:53 PM
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Gunther's employer was saddened to inform Hilda, Gunther's wife, that her husband had drowned this very day, at the brewery, in a large vat of lager. Stricken with grief, the widow inquired if Gunther suffered much. He replied that it did not appear so, but that Gunther was inconvenienced twice to get out and relieve himself.
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  #72  
Old 04-16-2008, 12:02 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

39. While on a visit with her cousins in America, Hedwig took a brief day trip to a local point of interest.

Approaching the monument, however, she noticed that fellow sightseers were forming small groups and moving about the area in a disordered fashion.

Hedwig did not recount the incident to her cousins when she returned that evening.
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  #73  
Old 04-16-2008, 01:50 AM
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40. Adalhard arrived at his place of employment one morning through a back door, neglecting to punch his time card. He repaired directly to his office, and did not see or speak to any coworkers until lunch-time had nearly arrived.

Because his time card had not recorded his arrival, and no witnesses were available who could attest to his whereabouts that morning, Adalhard was eventually convicted of a crime that occurred at approximately 10:30 AM on the day in question.

During his incarceration, Adalhard was not required to make use of time cards.
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  #74  
Old 04-16-2008, 04:10 AM
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There's something happening here.
What it is ain't exactly clear.
There's a guy with a Germanic accent
Telling me I got to find this amusing.
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Old 04-16-2008, 04:19 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

40. Herman looked at the fish in the tank and asked his mother, "Why do the fish not sink to the bottom of the tank when they are still?"

She replied "Because they are buoyant, little Herman. And they can live in the water because they have gills and breathe water, unlike you and I who cannot live in water because we have lungs and breathe air."

"So if the fish come out of the water it cannot breathe?" asked Herman.

"Yes," responded Gertrude. "That is correct"

Later that day as they crossed the Marienbrücke on their way home, Herman gazed out the window of the auto onto the brown waters of the Elbe. He held his breath and ran his fingers hesitantly back and forth along his neck, just below his right ear.

He told no one that he had pretended he had gills too!
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