So this sadistic drill sergeant has been running a bunch of new recruits ragged all day. At the end of the day, he gets right up into the face of one of the recruits and growls, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave! Aren't you?"
"Sir! No sir!" replied the recruit.
"When I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in another line again!"
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
I'm totally stealing this from some wisecracker on the intarweb:
Mel Gibson's wife lawyered up with a high-powered Hollywood divorce lawyer to go after half his estimated $900 million net worth plus spousal support, child support, and legal fees. Mel responded by hiring Scott Peterson and O.J. Simpson to advise her to settle out of court.
__________________
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.--W.C. Fields
Wow this is one of the few times I've laughed till I cried. Thats awesome and bit too close to home.
__________________
A Tachyon walks out of a bar.
A Tachyon walks into a bar.
The bartender says" Hey, We don't serve your kind"
The Tachyon says" OK" and turns to leave.
A man decides to join a very strict monastic order. The prior explains to him that he must take a vow of complete silence and that he is only allowed to speak when the prior gives him permission to do so. The man agrees and takes the vow.
After one year the prior tells the man that he can now speak two words, but only two.
The man says, "Bed, hard".
The prior promises to get him a softer bed.
After another year has passed the prior again tells the man that he may speak two more words.
The man says, "Food, cold".
The prior promises to see that, in the future, his food is served hotter.
Another year passes and once again the prior tells the man that he may speak two words.
The man says, "I quit".
The prior replies,
"You might as well, you have done nothing but bitch since you got here."
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
John is mowing his lawn when he sees a new neighbor moving in. He stops and steps to the fence to see what the new neighbor is like. After calling him over, the new neighbor, Bob, tells says that he is a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.
John- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?
Bob- Well, lemme give you an example. I see you have a doghouse. That leads me to believe you have a dog. If you have a dog, perhaps you have children. If you have children, then I would deduce that you have a wife. By having a wife, you are enforcing that you are a heterosexual.
John- That's pretty neat!
They part ways and John goes to talk to another neighbor, Jerry, who is watching the move.
Jerry- New neighbor, huh? What's he do?
John- He's a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.
Jerry- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?
John- Lemme give you an example. Do you have a dog?
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
I tried to phone the health department today to get some details about swine 'flu but I coudn't hear what they were saying because there was a lot of crackling on the line.
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
<+HoCkster> I got an official warning from my bank
<+HoCkster> I usually pay my rent as "Columbian Drug Money", they never objected
<+HoCkster> but then I forgot my mates cell phone number,
<+HoCkster> we were both doing internet banking at the same time right
<@Lilzvixen> welcome to my room
<+HoCkster> so I give him a 1 cent payment going "What's your number"
<+HoCkster> and we start having this whole conversation
<+HoCkster> it was like webchat
<+HoCkster> so like 87 payments later, the bank rings me up and were like
<+HoCkster> "have you thought of getting MSN?"
Hehehe, I used to pay stuff as 'zwijggeld' (hush money), bank never objected to that either.