Miscellany

[Stormlight]

Oh god ...

[livius drusus]

I feel like ralphing.

[The Lone Ranger]

I had an experience yesterday which made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, because it triggered some bad memories. I'm hoping that's all there is to it.


There's this girl in one of my Zoology classes. She's generally very talkative and [seemingly, at least] very outgoing. She's rather charming in her own way, and I'm sure she means well. Truth to say though, I find her kind of annoying at times, because she's prone to blurting things out every now and again (things which may or may not be related to what we're discussing). She's just distracting and disruptive enough for it to be annoying on occasion, but not so much that it's really worth any sort of reprimand. As I said, I think she means well, but she's prone to occasionally blurting out whatever happens to be on her mind. If it happens to be related to what we're talking about, that's great; sometimes, it ... isn't related to what we're talking about.

Anyway, on the surface at least, she seems outgoing and friendly, and like the sort of person who would make friends easily enough. I wish she took the class more seriously [and I've told her that], because she could be a better student if she made more of an effort to pay attention and to ask relevant questions.

Though that could be part of the problem itself, I suppose. Coincidentally, I was just talking with a student -- a very good student -- who was telling me of how many of her peers resent her for "wrecking the curve." [I don't grade on a curve, and I'm guessing that few -- if any -- of my colleagues do. I always tell my students: "You get the grade you earned. Period."] I've heard that from more than one student, so there's evidently a considerable amount of peer pressure for smart students to not perform too well.


Anyway, yesterday in lab, she was -- I think -- teasing her lab partner. He made a couple of mistakes -- nothing major -- and she, in a very joking, teasing kind of voice, accused her of deliberately sabotaging their lab project. When we were putting everything away after lab, she -- in a rather more serious tone of voice than I'm used to hearing from her -- said that she has no friends, and asked if I'd be her friend.

What on Earth is the proper reply to that? I replied, "Of course." Though truth to tell, I certainly don't think of her as a friend. I think of her as a student -- a student who is charming and kind of entertaining, occasionally annoying, and who is performing at less than her true capability.


The experience, brief as it was, left me ... uneasy.



Let's go back a few years to the last time someone asked me a question like that. I was in college, and there was this guy in my Astronomy class who was, in my opinion, kind of annoying. He would often interrupt the instructor to ask questions -- questions which were often completely unrelated to the topic of discussion. He and I were occasionally paired as lab partners, and we worked well enough together. [The instructor later hinted that he'd paired us deliberately, figuring that I'd be more patient with the guy than most of my peers would have been.]

One day he told me that he doesn't think he has any friend. Then he asked, "Are you my friend?". Well golly, what was I supposed to say? I couldn't very well respond, "I think you're okay, but not someone I'd be inclined to call my friend. Truth to tell, you're kind of annoying."

Of course, my response was, "Of course I'm your friend." And even as I said it, I was desperately hoping that wouldn't mean he would expect me to start hanging out with him, or anything.

He smiled, thanked me, and left. "Whew!" I thought, "I sure dodged a bullet that time! But I wonder what's going to happen now?"

It didn't take too long to find out: he went home and committed suicide.


And to this day, I've been haunted by that. Was he happy I'd said I was his friend, and so he took one happy thought with him? Or perhaps he realized I wasn't being sincere, and that's what pushed him over the edge?



So anyway, now I'm wondering about this girl. I hope I'm just overreacting to a bad memory. I think I might just talk with the College Counselor though, and see what she thinks.

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by ceptimus

Unicycle on huge chimney in Targu Jiu - YouTube

:buttclench:

:clenchzebuttocks:

[Crumb]

Ugh that's rough, TLR.

[Qingdai]

TLR, but you're their instructor, not their friend. Not appropriate for you to be their friend. I tell my students that's not my job and it would be a boundary/Power imbalance for you to be their friends.
You can be their mentor. Someone to help guide their career, but to be expected to be their counselor, friend and/or reason they have issues is doing a disservice to you and them.
That is disturbing, but really, really not your fault. A lifetime of depression is not your fault.

[Ari]

Agreed.
You might consider suggesting to her to find some school clubs, after school activities, munches (a kink term for getting dinner with folks in a friendly, non-kinky setting but used for any gather to be with x people but not at an event). I'm certain she will find people that enjoy her kind of weird. It sounds like she might be taking the supermarket line approach to finding friends, and that only works out in bad romantic movies. (That is trying to be friends with (or date) random people you meet, say in a checkout line, instead of seeking out those with similar ideas an life experiences).
Also blurting out random things can be a sign of nervousness and confusion over how to go about this social interaction thing.

As far as your other friend, there's really nothing you could say that could have changed things. Suicide is generally a culmination of a long history of depression and other issues. One word or conversation, either positive or negative, won't change things especially if you didn't know there was a problem.

[The Lone Ranger]

Originally Posted by Qingdai

TLR, but you're their instructor, not their friend. Not appropriate for you to be their friend. I tell my students that's not my job and it would be a boundary/Power imbalance for you to be their friends.
You can be their mentor. Someone to help guide their career, but to be expected to be their counselor, friend and/or reason they have issues is doing a disservice to you and them.
That is disturbing, but really, really not your fault. A lifetime of depression is not your fault.

I absolutely agree: I am not (and cannot be) their friend. That's partly why I was upset (afterwards) about my response to her question. I suppose I sort of panicked and gave the only answer that came to mind and seemed like it might be remotely helpful.

I had a chance to talk with her yesterday, and she now insists that she was just joking around, and wasn't serious. But who jokes around about something like that? So I'm not entirely convinced.

I assured her that she does have people who like and care about her, and that I would -- of course -- always be happy to listen to any problems she has and to offer advice where I could. And I stressed that there are plenty of others (including people who -- unlike me -- are actually trained for that sort of thing) who would be more than willing to do the same.

Originally Posted by Ari

Agreed.
It sounds like she might be taking the supermarket line approach to finding friends, and that only works out in bad romantic movies. (That is trying to be friends with (or date) random people you meet, say in a checkout line, instead of seeking out those with similar ideas an life experiences).
Also blurting out random things can be a sign of nervousness and confusion over how to go about this social interaction thing.

That's an interesting insight. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I suspect you might be onto something there.


I haven't had a chance to speak with the Counselor yet, but I spoke with a couple of my colleagues yesterday, and they agreed that the situation is a bit worrying. So I'm going to try to track down the Counselor later today and see what advice she can offer.


Thanks!

Michael

[curses]

Thank you for caring, TLR. That makes a world of difference whether you can see it or not.

[The Lone Ranger]

I just spoke with the Counselor who, as it happens, has the girl in one of her own classes. She seems to think that the situation isn't too worrisome, but that it's worth keeping an eye on.

***

In happier news, I've been told that word has gotten 'round the campus that I don't like it when people kill animals unnecessarily. Given that this is a small and very rural campus, critters occasionally wind up inside of campus buildings. On Monday a.m., a Milk Snake somehow found its way into the Student Center. Alas I was teaching a class at the time, so by the time I found out (one of my students took a picture of the snake and e-mailed it to me), it was gone. [I'm hoping someone either shooed it out of the building or carried it out.]


This being the [very] rural Southern Appalachians, the typical reaction to a snake is "KILL IT!". But one of my students came to me a few days ago to tell me that a Ring-Necked Snake had gotten into one of the boys' dorms. People were debating what to do about it, and there were some advocates of killing it, but someone noted that "Professor -- wouldn't like that," so he picked the snake up and took it outside. I told him I was proud of him for doing so, though I warned him that he shouldn't pick up a snake unless he was sure it was harmless.

[BrotherMan]

I'm imagining the animals that breach the campus doorways are only trying to get closer to you.

[The Lone Ranger]

Heh. There's a stone wall in front of the Student Center, and as I was strolling along on Wednesday morning, I noticed a young Five-Lined Skink sunning itself on the top of the wall.

I love the skinks; they're such lovely little animals. They're generally quick and alert, and often seem to have discernible personalities.


The skink darted to the back side of the wall when I approached to take a look at it. So, I sat on the wall to see what would happen. After a few moments, a little head appeared, and the skink spent a few moments examining me. Apparently deciding that I wasn't a threat, it soon came up onto the top of the wall, beside me. So we sat there for a while, two vertebrates enjoying the sunshine.

[livius drusus]

So we sat there for a while, two vertebrates enjoying the sunshine.

This is such a great sentence and so you, TLR.

Did your skink friend have that glorious purple/indigo tail too?

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

This is such a great sentence and so you, TLR.

Did your skink friend have that glorious purple/indigo tail too?

I didn't know TLR had a tail let alone a glorious purple/indigo one. Must be awesome.

[The Lone Ranger]

Yup, it was a young skink, with a beautiful bright blue tail. (The tails fade as they age.)

[JoeP]

[BrotherMan]

So there I am doing my weekly grocery shoppings, minding my own binzes. I turn the corner and there's this ... thing ... that askares me near to my own RIP death.

show spoiler

[Ymir's blood]

Bort, relax it's just an omen of your imminent demise.

[Ensign Steve]

Fuck. That.

[Stormlight]

Relax, ES! It's just for Bort.

[slimshady2357]

Originally Posted by slimshady2357

In countries that use dd/mm/yy format for dates today is
22/23/24

Dammit, I missed that yesterday was square day

22/32/42

[Crumb]

Apparently Abraham Lincoln wrote a murder mystery and it was published in the paper. You can read it here: http://enrichmentfellowship.org/docu...hesterton).pdf

[Stormlight]

Writer, president, vampire killer: Abraham Lincoln, what a guy!

[Corona688]

Writer+president sounds like a good combination on the face of it. Then again, L. Ron Hubbard.

[Corona688]

Originally Posted by BrotherMan

So there I am doing my weekly grocery shoppings, minding my own binzes. I turn the corner and there's this ... thing ... that askares me near to my own RIP death.

show spoiler

"give the gift of fun"