What's Going On, wade?

[livius drusus]

I don't know if you meant this as a joke, as a half-joke, as a promise or anything in between, but I'm not going to ignore it or make some stupid passing comment in a thread about baseball this time.

I have no solutions to offer, nothing even remotely worthwhile to say except that I, like many others who have commented before and probably a whole bunch more who haven't found the words, care.

[godfry n. glad]

And that includes me.

godfry

[lisarea]

Me too.

Check your PMs. Please.

[LadyShea]

I care too.

[seebs]

<aol>Me too!</aol>

[Ex-zombie]

Wade,

Talk to us. Come on. If you prefer to talk to someone in private, PM someone. Anyone. I am on the computer most hours of the day. You can PM me. It won't take long for me to respond to you. Let us know what is going on.

[freemonkey]

Hi wade, this morning I read over at IIDB that you'd scored a job interview (I wasn't clear about whether you'd just scheduled it or already had the meeting). Did it not go well?

[lisarea]

I still want you to PM me. Let me revise that a little in the interests of full disclosure: I am still going to harass you via PM, to make you keep in touch, but I also want to talk about this out here, where other people can add to it, debate it, etc. Because I think this is enormously important.

Depression is not, in itself, a character trait. It says nothing, in any significant way, about who you are as a person. It's no more a choice than something like a club foot is a choice. It's not your fault.

When you're depressed, you need help, and you deserve help. And you have to go get it. The problem is, you might not care when you're right in the deepest darkest part of it, but that's why I'm writing all this crap, and begging you to read it.

You need to KNOW, even through the apathy, that you're going to be glad someday that you got through this. If you don't, you hurt exactly the wrong people. People who care about you need you around. People who don't really don't care all that much. (And most people do care about you, whether you know it or not. The only people you know who would be OK with you not being around are the genuine assholes.) It is vitally important that you not only understand that you can get through this, but that you promise yourself that you will. Just make a simple, solid promise that you will.

Once you've done that, you don't have to climb out all by yourself. You just have to pull yourself up far enough to get help.

And remember this: You do not always feel this way. You might have felt like this a lot, and you may have felt like this for a long time, but you do not always, and you don't always have to, either. Depression is treatable. Medicine is not an exact science, so it's not always the easiest thing to get done, but it's worth it. Just enough energy to ask for help. If that help doesn't work enough, muster up enough to try something else. It is not impossible. Even if the first thing you try doesn't work, something will. Just vow to yourself that you'll do it.

When I bought my house, the swamp cooler was messed up, so it was removed from the attic before I even took possession. Now, it gets insane hot sometimes in the summer, and I have a really low tolerance for heat. It makes me cranky and incredibly uncomfortable, and I end up spending hot days just sitting in a puddle of my own misery, bemoaning my lack of a swamp cooler. But I also have a tetch of the poverty mentality, and in the years that I've been in this house, I've always had enough of a sense of financial insecurity that I didn't feel right spending the money on getting a new swamp cooler put in. There have, however, been a few times in the winter that I would have been OK with spending the money. Only problem is, in the winter, I'm not hot. I know, intellectually, that I'm going to be miserable, but I explain it away. The threat of hot days sometime in the future just doesn't have that visceral pull, when there's snow on the ground and I'm wearing my sweaters and wool socks around the house. I have to convince myself that, despite the fact that the heat is a foggy and faded memory, it really happened. It has been hot every summer since I've lived here, and it is going to be hot again next summer, too.

And you have to convince yourself that, while being happy may be a foggy and faded memory to you now, you have been happy before, and you will be happy again. As absurd as it may seem from your current perspective, it's true.

And think, too, of all the things you know you might want to try but haven't because of social convention or fear of ramifications. Selling everything and going on a road trip, maybe. Getting a big honking multicolored mohawk and piercing your nose, going to bars and wiggling your eyebrows at all the women, wearing pajamas and fuzzy slippers to the grocery store, demanding a makeover at the cosmetic counter at the department store. I don't know what yours are, of course, but I know there's probably something. Just anything you've ever wanted to do, even on a whim, but didn't because you were worried about what might happen, or what people would think of you. I know you don't feel like any of that now, but you have before, and you will again.

And once you are out of this, remind yourself of all the things you're glad you were around for. Little things, big things, everything. Slices of apples with Gorgonzola. A song you love. A charming arrangement of buildings, a guy in a suit and tie riding a skateboard, a great burrito, cashmere socks, a movie, a person, a happy dog, anything. Make these mental notes so you'll remember them, even if you don't feel them, if you ever find yourself here again, and eventually, you'll just know that, even if you're not feeling it this minute, you're going to feel it again, and there is a whole world of stuff to experience that you could never imagine or predict. There are things still to do, and things to see, and you don't even know what they are yet.

And don't forget: All you really need to muster up right now is the little bit of effort to take the first step. If you can't muster enough to find help in your area yourself, muster enough to email me, and I'll find it for you.

[lady cop]

Wade, i don't know you, but sometimes that helps when you need a person to listen, i have no preconceived ideas about you...so i hope you'll open up to your friends here. clearly people care a great deal. and maybe something even one person has to say will be of help, will hit the right chord in you. i hope so.

[Goliath]

Just wanted to reply, even though I have nothing at all useful to say...please check your PMs, wade.

[viscousmemories]

Well if you're anything like me when you're depressed you probably see this whole thread as so much smoke being blown up your ass, but on the off chance you don't I'd just like to chime in that I care, and I agree with every word of lisarea's post above.

I hope you take care of yourself and feel better soon, wade.

[LadyShea]

Originally Posted by viscousmemories

Well if you're anything like me when you're depressed you probably see this whole thread as so much smoke being blown up your ass....

If this is, indeed, the case wade (or anyone) I do not take time out of my life to blow smoke up people's asses. If I say I care, it's because I do....even if you don't feel it, know it.

And I also think lisarea is very smart and I agree with everything she says

[godfry n. glad]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

And I also think lisarea is very smart and I agree with everything she says

Lisarea is not only smart, but cool, too.

godfry

[wade-w]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

I don't know if you meant this as a joke, as a half-joke, as a promise or anything in between, but I'm not going to ignore it or make some stupid passing comment in a thread about baseball this time.

No, it wasn't a joke nor was it a promise. Merely an observation, though I will say it contained a small amount of hyperbole. It has been on my mind a lot of late, though I don't really have the energy to actually carry through with it. As I recently said to someone else, I doubt I could even get online right now if my computer was more than 5' from my bed.

Originally Posted by freemonkey

Hi wade, this morning I read over at IIDB that you'd scored a job interview (I wasn't clear about whether you'd just scheduled it or already had the meeting). Did it not go well?

Ummm... you must be thinking of someone else. I haven't had an interview since August or so.

Lisarea, thank you. But I know all about depression and it's treatment; far more than anyone should have to. I've lived with this for longer than many of the posters here have been alive. If you can call it living, that is. Also, I'm not in fact as bad right now as I have been at other times. I can make it that 5' to get online. There have been times when even that would be more than I could do. Even at my very best, I can't ever recall actually being "happy". I'm not even really sure what that means. Sometimes I think it's a collective lie that people use to keep going. But maybe not. It sure seems pervasive, so Occam's Razor would indicate that people do experience this emotion.

vm, I don't know that I'd put it quite that way. More, well, I think that while they probably do care, they would also say the same for most posters, even the newest unknown person. If liv hadn't started this thread and I stopped posting, how many do you think would notice? I'm sure a few would, but not many.

I do appreciate the support everyone, as much as I can appreciate anything right now. I hope I haven't offended anyone with my last observation.

[Ex-zombie]

Well I for one would notice if you stopped posting. I truly am sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish I could say something that would help.

If you ever want to talk in chat let me know by pm. I am one of the world's worst chatters. I type real slow and I can never think of anything to say. But I am more than willing to give it a shot.

If you need anything. Anything at all. Don't be shy, just pm me with a request.

[Socratoad]

Wade, I'm pretty damned depressed myself right now, and sick, and filled with anxiety. But I feel the need to reach out to you as have so many good people here on the board. Listen to Lisarea because she knows of what she speaks. She knows my condition and will not allow me the luxury of sinking out of sight ..... ha ha ha, but true.


A little advice if I may be so bold. Get yourself a creature or two or more. Preferably something furry and warm. Guppies are nice but they are hard to snuggle with when one is really feeling down.

Seriously its damned near impossible to give up entirely when you know that you are responsible for the lives of some creature or other that really needs you. Approx twenty years ago I was supposed to be dying of terminal stomach cancer .... the main reason I'm still around today is that there was a multitude of creatures that would soon starve if I did not drag myself from the bed once a day and struggle through the deep snow to feed them and make sure that they were as comfortable as possible.

And now I'm ill once more could easily give up on life if it were not for creatures.

Sorry if this all seems a little too maudlin, but every word is true. Empathy is capable of saving us from our darkest moments.

[Socratoad]

PS: thank you Liv for picking up on Wade's vibes so quickly. Yous beez very intuitive ...... seriously

[livius drusus]

Miss you, Toady.

[Socratoad]

Miss ya too, muchly. If I take care I shall be able to return soon and actually be able to contribute, alas for now its pretty difficult.

[freemonkey]

Originally Posted by wade-w

Ummm... you must be thinking of someone else. I haven't had an interview since August or so.

Oh, shoot, I just looked at that thread. It was one from August that someone resurrected yesterday.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to add beyond what others here have said. {{{wade}}}

[viscousmemories]

Originally Posted by wade-w

vm, I don't know that I'd put it quite that way. More, well, I think that while they probably do care, they would also say the same for most posters, even the newest unknown person. If liv hadn't started this thread and I stopped posting, how many do you think would notice? I'm sure a few would, but not many.

I don't think that's an unreasonable suspicion. I'm sure some people see a "cry for help" and just instinctively reach out to console whomever it is, regardless of whether they know or care about the person. I'm not like that, though, so I have to assume there are others who aren't either.

If you think about it the anonymity and disjointedness of interactions on the Internet makes it pretty easy for people to blow each other off if they wanted to. There's really not all that much incentive for people who don't care to be compassionate and reach out.

How many would notice if you stopped posting? It's hard to say. It's just a fact of forum life that people come and go with or without fanfare and sometimes you don't notice someone's gone for a while, if ever. But I don't think that's a good measure of how many people care. For example people might care but not be around enough themselves to notice who is and isn't around.

I sometimes go through the memberlist or old posts and see the name of someone who used to be a somewhat prolific poster and think "whatever happened to them?" Sometimes I PM them to find out, and when they respond (they don't always) they usually just say they got busy or whatever.

A lot of people just don't take their interactions with others on the Internet very seriously. It's like their family, friends and co-workers are "real people" and we're all just login names. I don't really understand that perspective but I don't hold it against anyone. Internet relationships are still a relatively new and unusual phenomenon.

But anyway the whole point of this ramble being that you can't really extrapolate much about the degree to which people care from when or how people respond to your posts. I think there are just too many variables involved.

[wildernesse]

Hugs for you, wade. I think about you often, and wish you lived closer.

I found a picture on RA's account with you in it from when we went to the Botanical Gardens. I enjoyed that day, and meeting you in person.

[HelenM]

Originally Posted by wade-w

As I recently said to someone else, I doubt I could even get online right now if my computer was more than 5' from my bed.

We do appreciate you making the effort to get to your computer and post in this thread.

vm, I don't know that I'd put it quite that way. More, well, I think that while they probably do care, they would also say the same for most posters, even the newest unknown person. If liv hadn't started this thread and I stopped posting, how many do you think would notice? I'm sure a few would, but not many.

People can care yet not notice things. What people notice online depends on lots of things such as how busy they are, how much they're posting, how many crises of their own they're currently dealing with, etc. Even people who don't even post in this particular thread may care; maybe they're just not online at present.

I do appreciate the support everyone, as much as I can appreciate anything right now. I hope I haven't offended anyone with my last observation.

I expect people understand where you're coming from. Please do your best to keep making it the 5' from the bed to the computer and checking in with us. It's reassuring to hear from you.

Helen

[Bella]

<kiss> <kiss>

[wade-w]

Originally Posted by Socratoad

A little advice if I may be so bold. Get yourself a creature or two or more. Preferably something furry and warm. Guppies are nice but they are hard to snuggle with when one is really feeling down.

Seriously its damned near impossible to give up entirely when you know that you are responsible for the lives of some creature or other that really needs you. Approx twenty years ago I was supposed to be dying of terminal stomach cancer .... the main reason I'm still around today is that there was a multitude of creatures that would soon starve if I did not drag myself from the bed once a day and struggle through the deep snow to feed them and make sure that they were as comfortable as possible.

This is good advice, and a technique I have used in the past myself. However, it is not possible now for a couple of reasons. One, my lease specifies no pets. The last thing I need right now is to get evicted. And then what would happen to the creature? Second, I cannot afford to take care of a pet at this time. I definitely can't afford to pay vet bills, and as far as that goes I am having enough trouble feeding myself right now, much less anything else. It would be irresponsible as hell of me to try at the moment.