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  #51  
Old 06-21-2017, 02:13 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

I am bumping this thread to remind everyone that lisarea eats a single deviled egg and that Watser agreed with her. NEVER FORGET.

There. Civic duty done, I can report that I have been making fake mayo lately out of silken tofu and I unrepentantly love it. It's easy as hell, ridiculously low in calories and carbs, and since tofu is basically flavorless, it tastes like whatever you want it to taste like. I go for an aioli sort of vibe with fresh garlic, lemon juice, smoked paprika, Dijon mustard and salt. The texture comes out perfectly mayonnaise-like, although I whisk in a sprinkling of plant gum to act as an emulsifier and prevent water liquid pooling on top after a few days in the fridge. It's not necessary (a quick rewhisking solves the separation problem just fine), but I like it thoroughly emulsified and slightly thicker.

It works just like mayo in the usual things -- egg/chicken/tuna salad, roast turkey sammiches -- but the best thing about it is that it can act as a creamy element in practically any scenario. I've used it to make salad dressings, dips, stuffing for peppers, even added it to turkey burgers and meatballs as a binder. I mixed it with sambal oelek and tossed it with thinly sliced sushi-grade yellowfin tuna to make a spicy tuna sushi filling and it was so good I could have eaten it with a spoon just by itself.
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  #52  
Old 06-21-2017, 02:24 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Explain more!!

I've discovered I have an intolerance to one of the proteins in uncooked egg whites and thus most real mayonnaise hates me, but I like the vegan kind, which is often hard to find and expensive.
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  #53  
Old 06-21-2017, 02:46 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Quote:
ridiculously low in calories and carbs
:sadno:

It's like you don't get mayonaise at all...
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  #54  
Old 06-21-2017, 04:37 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Quote:
Originally Posted by livius drusus View Post
I am bumping this thread to remind everyone that lisarea eats a single deviled egg and that Watser agreed with her. NEVER FORGET.
I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you, livius drusus.

To demonstrate my sincere acceptance of your egg-based lifestyle, I'd like to share something that made me think of you:


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  #55  
Old 06-21-2017, 04:50 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

I do, Watser?, believe me, but I've had to make drastic dietary changes in support of my sainted mother and even though I know it's objectively horrifying in a lot of ways, I've found it a fascinating challenge. Besides, I was never a big mayo fan, so this particular deviation has been good times compared to, say, avoiding pasta.

Ari, here's how it goes. Get a pound of silken tofu. I am partial to Nasoya organic brand because it has the best nutritional stats for my needs and because I find it has the perfect jiggle for mayoishness. Dump the whole package in a fine strainer or cheesecloth and let it sit over the sink for an hour to let the loosest liquid drip out.

In a food processor (I suppose a powerful blender like a Vitamix would work too), pulse a clove of garlic a couple of times until it's chopped. Add the drained tofu, 1 tblsp of lemon juice, 1 tblsp of Dijon mustard, 1/2 tsp smoked paprika, 1 tsp salt. Turn that bad boy on and let it ride until it's blended and smooth. Taste and adjust for seasoning and texture. If there's any graininess remaining in the texture, add a teaspoon of olive oil and process until it's gone.

Feel free to play with spices and herbs to your liking. I love the smoke element a lot so I use a full tsp of the paprika. If you don't have the smoked kind you can use sweet, but that would make me a sad panda. I recently used applewood smoked sea salt to up the smokiness and it was divine. I made a batch with turmeric a few weeks ago that was INSANE, but it has a very specific spicey flavor whereas the default can actually pass for a kind of mayo, a tangy, savory kind more along the line of Duke's than Hellman's (only tangier and savorier).

Once you have it tasting like you want, very carefully sprinkle 1/4 tsp of guar gum all around the surface of the mayo or sprinkle it down the opening while the processor is running. Do not dump it in all at once or it will clump. Process thoroughly. This step is optional, so if you can't find the guar gum or just don't want to dick with it, feel free to blow it off. If you see liquid pooled on top when you use it later, just rewhisk it or even stir a knife around right quick.

Scrape it out of the bowl and put it in a storage container in the fridge. I advise a short and squat wide-mouth container. This makes just under 2 cups, that's 30 servings of 1 tblsp. My batches have lasted anywhere from a week to 3, depending on what I felt like cooking. As I've discovered more and more uses for it, the batches get used up faster.

eta: Thank you for thinking of me, lisarea. Now I must dismantle my air conditioner to use that accordion pleated pipe part to peel a bunch of eggs.
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  #56  
Old 06-21-2017, 09:01 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Quote:
Originally Posted by livius drusus View Post
it can act as a creamy element in practically any scenario.
That's what she said

:bunnythrust:

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  #57  
Old 06-21-2017, 03:06 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

:sadno:

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  #58  
Old 06-21-2017, 04:23 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

And I didn't even call it spooge once. Not once. :sadno:
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  #59  
Old 06-21-2017, 05:04 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

I was going to let the whole thing slide but then JoPe had to try and flex on me. I'm a victim of circumstance.
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  #60  
Old 06-29-2017, 12:49 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Old Dutch blues about a mayonaise factory worker.

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  #61  
Old 06-29-2017, 02:08 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

I could tell when he was saying mayonnaise.
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  #62  
Old 04-06-2019, 12:18 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise


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  #63  
Old 04-06-2019, 01:33 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Thanks. I hate it.
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  #64  
Old 04-06-2019, 04:22 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Mayonnaise is awesome. Cadburys Creme Egg is awesome. The combination is gruesome.
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  #65  
Old 04-09-2019, 05:54 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

I made a batch of mayonnaise yesterday, and it's your fault for bumping the thread. It's better than the regular because I made it without sugar, but still, it's mayonnaise.
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  #66  
Old 04-09-2019, 06:22 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisarea View Post
I made a batch of mayonnaise yesterday, and it's your fault for bumping the thread. It's better than the regular because I made it without sugar, but still, it's mayonnaise.
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  #67  
Old 04-11-2019, 05:59 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Thanks alot, pea. I had to go and look at the ingredients list and now I'm really really mad. I'm only moderately bothered by sugar in mayo. What really got my goat is the "light" version I looked at contained HFCS.

:dawkins:

Now I'm compelled to make my own. And now I'm bothered because it looks so dead simple. I'm considering making some oatmilk and either olive oil or avacado oil based version.

AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
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  #68  
Old 04-11-2019, 06:23 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherMan View Post
Now I'm compelled to make my own.
Mayo is one of those things you basically have to do yourself.
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  #69  
Old 04-11-2019, 06:48 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Without ever having looked it up, I thought there would be some weird canning step or equipment or something that would be off putting. But nope. It's just these few ingredients and mix.
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  #70  
Old 04-11-2019, 04:42 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

I think you do have to bury it in a graveyard for a fortnight. :unnod:
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  #71  
Old 04-11-2019, 08:27 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherMan View Post
What really got my goat is the "light" version I looked at contained HFCS.
I'm telling you: That shit is in everything now. It happened over a long enough period, I guess, that people didn't notice it, but there was a massive sweetening of prepared foods in the US. Things that used to have sugar got HFCS instead, and because it's so cheap, they'd add way more; and they started adding it to stuff that never had any sweetener in it before.

I've even seen some where they switch over and put "NO HFCS" on the label, and just replace it with sucralose now. Things like sandwich bread that were never supposed to be sweet in the first place. I got a loaf of RYE bread once that was sweet like cake.

It's fucking gross.
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  #72  
Old 04-11-2019, 09:55 PM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Hi from outside the USA.

Travels inside the USA is and adventure of Why The Fuck Would Anyone Add Sugar To This?

Even the milk tastes weirdly sweet.
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  #73  
Old 04-12-2019, 12:37 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Corn is so heavily subsidized in the US that it's practically free, and sweetness is addictive and generally appealing to the largest possible demographic. So big food companies take advantage of economies of scale by adding HFCS to everything, in order to appeal to the palate of the average toddler.
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  #74  
Old 04-12-2019, 01:08 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

When I was in Central America they'd put sugar in fresh fruit juice. It was weird, little did I know it was a forshadowing
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  #75  
Old 04-12-2019, 01:48 AM
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Default Re: Mayonnaise

Oh, and just so none of those danged moderators decide to ban me for violating the strict thread topic rules of the :ff:, here is a recipe for my best approximation so far of a local burger chain's mayonnaise based fry sauce (Good Times, just for anyone who knows them):

You get some mayonnaise.
Put in a little ketchup, but not too much. Like four parts mayo, one part ketchup.
Put in a LOT of smoked paprika. I don't measure anything, really, but say, if you have a quarter cup of mayo, put in about a half teaspoon to start. Smoked paprika is the main thing in this.
Some garlic powder, and maybe some onion powder too, if you have any.
Some salt.
A skosh of lemon juice or apple cider vinegar.
Some cayenne or other ground pepper, just a tiny bit. You could sub hot sauce or Sriracha. I haven't tried Sriracha in this, but that should work really well.
If you have MSG, you can put a sprinkle in. I suspect they have that in there. Just a sprinkle, though. If you don't have MSG, don't worry about it.

Just mix everything in, and adjust until it tastes really good, then use it as a dipping sauce or on burgers or sandwiches.

Last edited by lisarea; 04-12-2019 at 03:40 AM. Reason: Oh, cats. I got a proprotion wrong.
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