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Old 02-29-2016, 05:42 PM
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Default Birthday Parties, Sibling Rivalry, and This and That

So, I'm into my second semester at this new college.

It's far from a perfect place, but it's such a vast improvement over the last place I taught that I really don't have any business complaining.


It's tucked away in a valley between two mountains, so that's definitely nice. I'm glad to be back in the Appalachians. And hopefully, the first of the Spring Ephemerals will be blooming 'round about the time of Spring Break. If so, I think I'll head down to the Great Smokies for a day or two or three, to enjoy them.


On the other hand, the general region is very Conservative, so every other car has a bumper sticker about how much Obama sucks. And quite frankly, there is a strong anti-intellectual mindset in the local communities.

And to be perfectly honest, there are more than a few students who come across as downright anti-intellectual at times. And quite a few staff members, too. The campus itself tends to be rather politically conservative. For instance, I've heard more than one student -- more than one female student -- say that "Feminism" is bad, because "Feminists" are nothing more than a bunch of "Man-Haters."

During the first Convocation, our President spent most of the time ranting about how much he hates Government, and how he'd love to get rid of the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of Education. During the next Convocation, he spent some of his time telling us how he doesn't believe in Climate Change (and, in the process, demonstrated that he doesn't understand the difference between climate and weather).



Anyhoo.


I've fallen in with a bad crowd, as it were. At least, quite a few people on campus probably think so. There are a few "rebel" Faculty members who like to occasionally get together on Friday evenings and drive over to a bar/chicken wings restaurant in the next county over. (This county is dry, and according to Official Regulations, no alcohol of any sort is allowed on campus. Officially, anyway.)

These occasional get-togethers are rather enjoyable, actually. We can talk about non-academic things, and as it's a small, rather tight-knit group, we needn't worry that each conversation will be some variation of "I hate Obama" and/or "I really love Jesus."

[One of the campus jokes is that there is an ongoing war between the College's President and the College's Choir Director (who, for some reason, seems to have an enormous amount of power and influence); each of them is trying to prove that he loves Jesus more than the other. The rest of the Campus is caught right smack in the middle of this conflict.]


Anyway, this group of "rebels" consists of me, 2 other members of the Science Department, and a renegade member of the English Department.

Joan, the English person, is a bit older than the rest of us, and really seems to be desperate to get out and away from time to time. At least those of thus in the Science Department don't generally have to deal with students telling us that we're wrong when we're trying to teach them stuff. Joan, apparently, has to deal with that quite a lot. Whenever they're discussing literature, a number of students will become quite put out if Joan assigns them to read something that doesn't conform to their ideas of what's "Right" and what's "Wrong."

What's more is that Joan is Jewish. As such, quite a few students seem to feel that it is their "Christian Duty" to convert her to the "One True Faith." Some of them, according to Joan, are sufficiently persistent that their behavior might very well qualify as harassment.


Oddly, that sort of thing doesn't really seem to happen to those of us in the Science Department -- or not so often, anyway. Maybe the students tend to figure that we're lost causes anyway, and so figure that there's no point in wasting their time in trying to convert us to the "One True Faith."

Good.



Frank and Angela are both physicists, and married. They have a daughter, Jean, who just turned 10, and a son, Jonathan, (he insists on being addressed by his proper name) who is 4.



So anyway, once a month or so, we'll drive down to this bar/restaurant on a Friday evening. Frank and Angela and I enjoy the opportunity to get out and away, and to talk about stuff without worrying that we're going to be censored for it. (Seriously. A couple of months ago, a fellow Science Faculty person and I were discussing the discovery of Homo naledi and its implications for human evolution when my colleague spotted the President approaching. "Shh!" He said. "We're talking heresy, as far as he's concerned.")

Anyway, Frank and Angela and I enjoy the chance to get out and away, and to talk about stuff. Joan, I think, needs the occasional escape and chance to talk. Jean and Jonathan like the chicken wings.

So, it's a win/win/win all around.


Typically, I take Joan with me in my car. Since I don't drink, this leaves Joan free to imbibe. She seems to find it a very liberating experience.

Since Frank and Angela have a minivan, Frank generally drives too. Angela doesn't drink much, and because he's driving, neither does Frank.

I found out last weekend what it's like when both Frank and Joan are free to drink as much as they like. More on that later.




To seemingly digress for a bit, Jean and I have formed a particular friendship.

The College has an on-campus school for the children of Faculty, and so Jean and Jonathan are there for most of the day. They get out at around 3:30 p.m. and then come to the Science Building, where they hang out until one or both of their parents are done for the day. Usually, Jonathan sits in one of the labs and watches television. Jean is usually on one of the computers.

Frank, Angela and I all teach classes that go until early evenings. So, it's usually a bit after 6:00 p.m. when each of us wanders over to the cafeteria for supper.

Going pretty-much anywhere on campus generally involves walking up and down steep hillsides, so Frank usually drives to and from home. If the weather is good, Angela, Jean and Jonathan prefer to walk. I always walk, rain or shine.

So, things have fallen into a sort of routine. If we're at supper together, Jean always asks me what I'm doing afterward. If I tell her that I have to go back to my office to finish up some work, then she pouts. If I tell her that I'm done for the day, she insists that I walk back with them. That suits everyone; Jonathan has Angela all to himself, and Jean tells me all about her day. I walk home with them, and then back down the hill to my place. Sure, it's out of my way, but the company is pleasant.




So, early last week, Jean asked me if we could all go out for chicken wings on Friday; we hadn't been in awhile, and Jean really wanted to go. I told her that'd be up to her parents, of course. As it turned out, Joan was having a rough week, and said that she really needed to get out. So, it was decided that we'd go out on Friday. Then Jean got sick.

So, Friday it was just me, Frank, and Joan. Angela stayed home to watch the kids. Since it was just the three of us, I drove. And I got to find out what it was like when we didn't have to leave early in order to get the kids home at a reasonable hour -- and when both Frank and Joan were free to drink as much as they liked.

Some of it was quite informative.

Joan told me at some length how "good" I am for Jean. One of the things that Jean and I have done is that we have a "standing date" for Friday afternoons. We go and play racketball. Well, it's mostly me lobbing the ball to her while she tries to smash it against the nearest surface -- her enthusiasm is a great deal more evident than is her control, though she's improving.

I enjoy spending the time with Jean, who is an intelligent and charming child, just as I enjoy walking home with her, her mother, and her brother. [Though again, this generally involves me walking with Jean while Jonathan monopolizes Angela's attention.]


These racketball sessions may be more important to Jean than I'd anticipated, from what both Joan and Frank said. Apparently, Jean talks about them, and how they're something of a highlight of her week.

Joan went on to say that she thinks it's very important for Jean to have an adult friend of her own, someone who isn't an immediate member of the family.


Frank went on to fill in some of the details. Jean and Jonathan have a sibling rivalry that goes well beyond intense. I'd noticed that, of course, but I hadn't realized how serious it was, and how stressful it must be to Jean.

Jonathan is a very sweet boy, for the most part, but he is, in some ways, very demanding. In particular, he is very demanding of Angela's time and attention. Whenever Angela is about, she must be focused more or less 100% on Jonathan, or he becomes very, very upset.

I've seen this, of course. For example, a few weeks ago, several of us were sitting in the cafeteria and Angela was chatting with a fellow Faculty member about something or another. Jonathan was sitting next to Angela, of course; Jean is not allowed to sit next to their mother. Jonathan decided that he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. He tugged on her sleeve to tell her that he wanted a sandwich. Angela told him to wait a moment while she finished this conversation, and that she would get him a sandwich.

Jonathan's response was to stand up in his chair and SCREAM at her: "Get me a grilled cheese sandwich -- NOW!". In front of the entire cafeteria.

That was too much. Angela, understandably, was not pleased by this behavior. She turned to him, and if looks could kill, Jonathan would have been reduced to his component atoms instantly. Whatever else is true, though, Jonathan is a smart kid. And he knows how to play his Mom. He instantly shifted to "cute" mode, smiled at her (he did not apologize for the outburst, however), and very sweetly asked her to get him a grilled cheese sandwich.

Angela .... went and got his sandwich.




Frank explained that it's like that at home pretty-much all the time. Jonathan must be the center of attention all the time. And Jean ... must not be the center of attention.

It goes so far that Jonathan has instituted rules for how things must be done. For instance, each morning, when breakfast is served, Jonathan must receive his toast first, then his parents may receive theirs. And Jean must get her toast last. Always. If he turns his back at the wrong moment and sees that everyone else has their toast, he SCREAMS. The mere possibility that Jean might not have gotten her toast last is completely unacceptable to him.


Well, he's four. He'll hopefully grow out of that -- at least, one hopes. And honestly, I think that Jean is a pretty good Big Sister to put up with as much as she does. And it's not that she doesn't occasionally yank his chain. For example, when they ride the elevator, I've seen Jean occasionally push the button. She knows that Jonathan has decreed that this is his task, and that when she does it, he will get furious. She says that she "forgot" on such occasions, but I very-much doubt that she's fooling anyone.


Anyway, as Frank explained, the rule around their house is pretty simple: In all cases, Jonathan must receive the lion's share of the attention, and he must go FIRST. And in all cases, Jean must go LAST.




I like Jean. She's smart and imaginative, and fun to be with, so I enjoy her company. And I can clearly see that she enjoys attention from a non-family adult. I hadn't realized how much she enjoys that attention until last weekend -- and then it was really hammered home yesterday.




Yesterday was Jean's 10th birthday, and her parents had arranged a party in the Campus Cafeteria. All of Jean's school friends had been invited, along with a couple of special guests (Joan and myself).

When I arrived at the party, Frank introduced me to several of the parents of the other kids. He told them that I was on the Faculty at the College. That was all well and good. Then he made a particular point of telling them that Jean and I get together every Friday for racketball -- making it clear that this is something Jean values quite a bit.


After snacks and for the adults to get to know each other, we adjourned to the lawn for games. After several rounds of various games, some of the kids were pretty-clearly getting tired. The final game was a treasure hunt.

The kids were divided into two groups: boys and girls. Each group was given a card that would lead them to the first clue. At the site of the first clue, they'd find a card that would lead them to the site of the second clue, and so forth. Angela specifically told the kids that it wasn't a race, since each group had a different "treasure chest" to locate.

Since the kids ranged in age from 4 to 12 or so, it was decided that an adult would have to go with each group, to make sure that none of the younger kids got lost or possibly hurt. After all, going pretty-much anywhere on campus requires going up and down steep hills, and some of the youngest kids were just barely capable of navigating the stairs.

Jean immediately "volunteered" me to go with her and the rest of the girls. So, I went along on the scavenger hunt. Mostly, what I did was followed along in the back with the youngest girls, to make sure that nobody got lost.


It pretty-quickly became evident that some of the older girls weren't interested in waiting around for the younger ones. Evidently, they decided that the best way to do things was to run from one set of clues to the next, leaving the rest behind. Jean was not happy about this -- both because they were leaving everyone else behind, and because it was her party after all, and they were completely ignoring her. Jean tried to tell them that this was supposed to be a group effort, but they ignored her.

I could see that Jean was upset, but I didn't try to do anything to rectify the situation. My excuse was that I was busy shepherding the youngsters and making sure they were okay. In retrospect, though, I probably should have made an effort to rein in the older girls and remind them that this was supposed to be a group effort.



When I finally got back to the cafeteria with the two youngest little girls, the cake was being served. There were lots of happy kids yelling and screaming and enjoying the cake, and generally enjoying themselves.

But Jean was nowhere to be seen.



Acting more or less on a hunch, I went into the back room and found her -- curled up in a corner and sobbing. So, I did the only thing that I could; I sat down, took her into my arms, and held her while she cried on my shoulder. After awhile, she calmed down a bit, and she pulled out of the embrace, though not away from me. So, we sat there for a good while as she cried, and I kept my arm around her.



My suspicion is that the stress of it caught up with her. She's used to feeling like she's ignored at home. Feeling like she was being ignored at her own birthday party was just too much, I think.

At one point, while she was still leaning against me and crying, Jonathan happened to wander into the room. Whether he was looking for his Big Sister or just wandering around, I don't know. But when Jean saw him approach, she literally growled. Not an "I don't want to see you right now, so I'm going to pretend to growl at you so you'll get the message and go away" sort of growl -- she actually growled at him. At that moment, I'm pretty sure that Jonathan was the last person on Earth that Jean wanted to see.

Whether it was because he got the message or because there was nothing of interest going on, Jonathan left. Not long afterward, Angela came in. She asked what was wrong, and, between sobs, Jean explained that she was upset about being ignored at her own party. Angela basically told her to deal with it and left. Probably not the response Jean was looking for.



After awhile, I told Jean that I, too, am an oldest sibling. As such, I have some idea of what it's like to always be expected to be responsible while your younger sibling(s) seemingly get away with everything.

I told her of how, when she was Jonathan's age, one of my sisters liked to drink ketchup straight from the bottle. That got a bit of a giggle from Jean. [It's absolutely true, by the way; Kendra would go through an entire bottle of ketchup in a sitting, if we let her.]

I told her of how I was never sure I was "really" a part of my family. After all, my Mother hates going outdoors, and has no interest in reading, or such activities -- much less "Nature." It took me a while to figure this out, though.

When I was about Jean's age, for Mother's Day, I gave my Mom a toad that I'd caught. I'd thought that she'd like it as a pet. She didn't.

So, the next year, keeping in mind that Mom obviously didn't think that toads made good pets, I got her ... a snake. That didn't go over well either. At all.


By then, Jean was laughing, and so we went back in and had some cake. She was still feeling a bit morose when it came time to give out the presents, but she was apparently feeling vastly better than she had been earlier.

Sometimes, it's good to have friends.
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Last edited by The Lone Ranger; 02-29-2016 at 08:13 PM. Reason: Corrected a stupid typo.
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  #2  
Old 02-29-2016, 07:27 PM
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Default Re: Birthday Parties, Sibling Rivalry, and This and That

Just a first impression, but I think the parents need to tighten up Jonathan's leash a bit, my impression is that they are much too lenient with him. I do have some experience parenting, I raised 3 children of my own, and took care of 2 of my grandchildren (now 10 and 6) from birth while their mother and father worked, usually during the day all day. That has all changed since both kids are in school and mom has adjusted her schedule.

All that being said, I was the younger of 2 boys and I grew up being the Number 2 son in many ways, so I can sympathize with Jonathan, but I think he is going a bit too far.
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Old 02-29-2016, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Birthday Parties, Sibling Rivalry, and This and That

Yeah, I do think that Jonathan gets too much leeway. And apparently, Frank kinda thinks so, too. But Angela is a very ... forceful ... person, so I guess he gets overruled on that.

Of course, I'm not a parent, so it's not like my opinion would have much weight anyway. Nor is it my place to criticize or interfere. So, as best I can, I try to be a good and supportive friend to Jean.
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Old 02-29-2016, 08:03 PM
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Yeah, I do think that Jonathan gets too much leeway. And apparently, Frank kinda thinks so, too. But Angela is a very ... forceful ... person, so I guess he gets overruled on that.

Of course, I'm not a parent, so it's not like my opinion would have much weight anyway. Nor is it my place to criticize or interfere. So, as best I can, I try to be a good and supportive friend to Jean.
I think that in this situation that is the best course for you to take, I did not have that luxury with my 2 grandchildren. I was the 3rd parent and anything I taught them, I had to deal with, so I didn't get to teach them all the fun stuff, and then send them home and laugh about it. I'm not suggesting that you teach Jean the ornery stuff, I was just trying to define my situation.
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Old 02-29-2016, 11:03 PM
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Default Re: Birthday Parties, Sibling Rivalry, and This and That

tl;dr Mr Ranger ... except of course I read the whole thing ...

Let's hope Jonathan changes his behaviour of his own accord. That's not so unusual for a 4-year-old.
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Old 02-29-2016, 11:19 PM
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tl;dr Mr Ranger ... except of course I read the whole thing ...

Let's hope Jonathan changes his behavior of his own accord. That's not so unusual for a 4-year-old.
It probably won't last very long in school, because most teachers will not put up with that kind of behavior very long, if at all. Though it might continue at home if the parents don't put their foot down, preferably on top of Jonathan's when he is stomping his feet during one of his tantrums.
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Old 02-29-2016, 11:26 PM
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Yeah, I do think that Jonathan gets too much leeway. And apparently, Frank kinda thinks so, too. But Angela is a very ... forceful ... person, so I guess he gets overruled on that.

Of course, I'm not a parent, so it's not like my opinion would have much weight anyway. Nor is it my place to criticize or interfere. So, as best I can, I try to be a good and supportive friend to Jean.
Possibly Frank needs to stand up to Angela and assert him self as the other parent. Parenting should be 2 people, not one over ruling the other. I didn't always agree with my daughter, but we were able to talk about it, and when they were with me, I was in charge and there was no question about it from their mother.
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Old 02-29-2016, 11:56 PM
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Default Re: Birthday Parties, Sibling Rivalry, and This and That

Aww.
Indeed, they're training him to realize being annoying gets him his way.
I mean, controlling dinner is a bit excessive, I know it's not uncommon for kids his age to do something like that, but the total control is a problem. Come on adults stick up for yourself! Punch him a few times, he'll go down easy! (note, not actually advocating physical violence).
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Old 03-01-2016, 12:51 AM
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When my granddaughter was acting up in church one Sunday, I threatened to take her in the sacristy and paddle her butt. She continued to act up so after service I took he into the sacristy and spanked her and then made her sit in a corner till I said she could get up. Both my grandchildren know that I will punish them if they don't behave.
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: Birthday Parties, Sibling Rivalry, and This and That

I'm a big fan of children having a non family adult friend. I had a couple as I grew up. Maybe they did treat me as the child I was but it still made me feel important.

All this proves to me is that you really are a pan-species Grizzly Adams type. Not only do the wild aminals love you, but so do the domesticated ones.

omg.

Have you ever been wandering the trail and started humming to yourself and suddenly little birds are whirling around you, trying to help you with your chores and stuff?
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Old 03-09-2016, 05:01 AM
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Old 03-09-2016, 08:28 PM
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Do you whistle while you work?
As long as it doesn't interfere with my work. Many jobs can't be done well unless you know just how to hold your tongue.
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