All kinds of questions about this separation thing

[Caligulette]

So.... He's got this idea which at first sounded okay, but on further questioning (one question, which I'll get to), not so much.

The idea: "Why don't you guys stay here and I'll move out. (Of his parents' house.)"

The question: "What happens on the nights you have him (the boy)?"

The answer: "I'll just stay here in his room or downstairs." (On me giving what I assume was "a look") "What?!? It's MY parents' house. I'm going to be here."

Okay, so this looks even more ludicrous typed out.

See, it seemed an okay idea (or at least a less disruptive one) until that. Add to the whole mix the red eyes of a person who says they have "allergies", but who had disappeared for hours and is likely a-tokin'.

I think what I want to do instead is to cut the ties with him except the boy. This idea would likely give him too much say (or knowledge) about my life. That is what I am trying to get rid of, no?

[Doctor X]

You are living in his parent's house?

--J.D.

[Caligulette]

Yes. When I moved out here it was supposed to be for "a few months". That was in February 2005. Someone could not manage a steady job. (Hint, it was not me.)

[Doctor X]

I would think your first priority is to get out of that house. It removes a connection.

--J.D.

[Caligulette]

This is what I'm saying here. Really. I mean, the more I think about it (it's been all of four hours since I heard the idea) the more I think, "Wow, that gives you a big, wide, unwelcome window into my life."

[Shelli]

Originally Posted by Doctor X

I would think your first priority is to get out of that house. It removes a connection.

--J.D.

and...

[Crumb]

Yes. Getting out of his parents house seems like it should be priority 1.

[Doctor X]

Exactly.

I do not pretend to know the details of your situation, but it reads as if you would be perfectly happy if you never saw him again. I would recommend approaching that ideal.

--J.D.

[freemonkey]

{{{Caligulette}}} I've sort of been there, except for the kid part. But, yeah on the living with his mom and the separation and stuff. If you can afford to do it, you're best to just cut the ties as cleanly as you can.

Do you anticipate that if he moves out he'll end up back in the house soon?

[Julie]

((((Caligulette)))

I deeply sympathies my dear. This leaving thing is the shits. But, in order for you to ever have any kind of life again you do need to move on, and in this case move out. It will be hard on you and the little one but in the long run I think you know it is the right choice.

My best word of advice? Don't take his word for it that he will pay child support...go to the courts and have official papers drawn up. You should probably get papers for custody in place ASAP as well. Take it from a schmuck that kept believing that the ex would smarten up, that he would do the right thing and put off doing anything official for almost 16 months.

[Doctor X]

Oh man, if you do not have a lawyer, get one NOW!

--J.D.

[Caligulette]

Well, he has no legal claim (nor responsibility). He has said he wants to contribute, and given that he *is* a good dad, we all want that relationship to continue. I have said that while any help is appreciated, I am not going to rely on it. The only reason I would want a lawyer is to name his parents as legal guardians if I should die. They're responsible lovely people.

[Watser?]

I agree with the mob here, move out asap. No matter how responsible and lovely his parents are, they are his parents.

How is it he can afford to move out, anyway?

[LadyShea]

Originally Posted by Caligulette

Well, he has no legal claim (nor responsibility). He has said he wants to contribute, and given that he *is* a good dad, we all want that relationship to continue.

Is he the kids dad?

[oblomov]

[Bella]

What state are you in, if you don't mind my asking? I've been dealing with this custody/child support crap for the past two months and it can be notoriously hard to wade through the legal jargon to figure out exactly what needs to be done and on what timeline, et cetera. Like others have suggested, I would get a lawyer ASAP. I don't know what your situation is otherwise, but if you think you might qualify financially, there are a lot of lovely legal aid type people in larger cities that are more than happy to answer your questions about things like this for free.

Again, as other's have suggested - move out ASAP. Placing distance between you and your ex will be better for everyone mentally, plus it will show that you mean business, goddamn it.

((hug))

[Caligulette]

How can he afford to move out (after years of not)? I don't know, exactly.

Is he the boy's biofather? No, but he is his dad (for all that we are incompatible, he is a very good dad for the most part, and the parts that I disagree with are more stylistic than anything else).

I am in Oregon.

No, I am in contact with people to try to find a good place for us, and there will be a meeting this sunday where the "idea" is discussed, and where I will say, "This does not work for me." I have already told him that it does not, and he was, of course, not pleased. I really don't think he has any concept of what it's like to not want to be around him. The idea of my privacy or space means something like nothing at times. So this idea is a definite no go.

[Qingdai]

Flee.
Also flee to somewhere outside of Trimet zone #3 and don't let him stay past bus stopping time.

[Plant Woman]

I feel for you, Cal; I know this isn't easy for you, but first and foremost is do what is best for you and your child. Don't rely on him for anything and if he wants to be in your child's life, it should be on your terms only.

[Smilin]

As someone who's recently seperated from his wife, I can feel your pain and frustration.

Are you two still friends might I ask?

[Caligulette]

We are "amicable", which means I bite my tongue a lot.

[Qingdai]

That also sounds painful.

[Caligulette]

Omigord. So. I am going away for a week, then moving the weekend after I get back. What seemed so impossibly distant when this thread started is on its way. We have an apartment ready and waiting, I have money in the bank, I have a buncha stuff in boxes and scattered around, and I am just waiting. I'm excited, though it'll be an adjustment, of course.

I look forward to only washing two people's dishes (unless we have guests), and not wondering "what is that?" when scrubbing out the shower. I look forward to having my own space and control over who gets to enter it. I look forward to spending time with my boy and making things together. I look forward to not finding unopened Official envelopes mixed in with my filing. I look forward to space- though the apartment is smallish- I look forward to having my books safely on shelves, to having a wee patio for plants and breakfast, to being poor but all right, to not having 50000 ounce soda cups taking up an entire wastebasket, to being able to cook without someone fiddling with my recipe, to not being mocked when I get an idea, to reading with the boy, to just living my life without so much worry.

Whew. Countdown to nifty-ville.

[seebs]

Sounds awesome.

[Julie]

I envy you. I'm also terribly proud of you.

A house warming gift!