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  #251  
Old 04-14-2009, 08:35 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:groan:
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  #252  
Old 04-14-2009, 08:44 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Why can't a penis be 12 inches long?

because then it would be a foot.
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  #253  
Old 04-14-2009, 09:21 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

He: Damn that deaf genie! All I wanted was a little man to play my miniature piano.

She: What are you doing later?
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  #254  
Old 04-14-2009, 09:33 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke


:?
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  #255  
Old 04-14-2009, 10:38 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

So this sadistic drill sergeant has been running a bunch of new recruits ragged all day. At the end of the day, he gets right up into the face of one of the recruits and growls, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave! Aren't you?"

"Sir! No sir!" replied the recruit.

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  #256  
Old 04-14-2009, 10:39 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Megatron View Post

:?
He got a 12-inch penis.
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  #257  
Old 04-14-2009, 10:40 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:doh:
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  #258  
Old 04-14-2009, 11:02 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Most people have probably read this before, but it's still hilarious.

The Horror of Blimps.
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  #259  
Old 04-15-2009, 01:34 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger View Post
Most people have probably read this before, but it's still hilarious.

The Horror of Blimps.
I hadn't...laughing ass off...tears...
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  #260  
Old 04-15-2009, 02:43 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ensign Steve View Post
He: Damn that deaf genie! All I wanted was a little man to play my miniature piano.

She: What are you doing later?
XKCD stealer!

:P
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  #261  
Old 04-15-2009, 06:27 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I'm totally stealing this from some wisecracker on the intarweb:

Mel Gibson's wife lawyered up with a high-powered Hollywood divorce lawyer to go after half his estimated $900 million net worth plus spousal support, child support, and legal fees. Mel responded by hiring Scott Peterson and O.J. Simpson to advise her to settle out of court.
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  #262  
Old 04-27-2009, 05:38 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke



This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.?When
she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,

"What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen
the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."


The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.


The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
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  #263  
Old 04-29-2009, 04:29 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger View Post
Most people have probably read this before, but it's still hilarious.

The Horror of Blimps.
Wow this is one of the few times I've laughed till I cried. Thats awesome and bit too close to home.
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  #264  
Old 04-29-2009, 04:58 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A man decides to join a very strict monastic order. The prior explains to him that he must take a vow of complete silence and that he is only allowed to speak when the prior gives him permission to do so. The man agrees and takes the vow.

After one year the prior tells the man that he can now speak two words, but only two.

The man says, "Bed, hard".

The prior promises to get him a softer bed.

After another year has passed the prior again tells the man that he may speak two more words.

The man says, "Food, cold".

The prior promises to see that, in the future, his food is served hotter.

Another year passes and once again the prior tells the man that he may speak two words.

The man says, "I quit".

The prior replies,

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  #265  
Old 04-29-2009, 12:26 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Deductive Reasoning



John is mowing his lawn when he sees a new neighbor moving in. He stops and steps to the fence to see what the new neighbor is like. After calling him over, the new neighbor, Bob, tells says that he is a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.

John- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?

Bob- Well, lemme give you an example. I see you have a doghouse. That leads me to believe you have a dog. If you have a dog, perhaps you have children. If you have children, then I would deduce that you have a wife. By having a wife, you are enforcing that you are a heterosexual.

John- That's pretty neat!

They part ways and John goes to talk to another neighbor, Jerry, who is watching the move.

Jerry- New neighbor, huh? What's he do?

John- He's a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.

Jerry- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?

John- Lemme give you an example. Do you have a dog?

Jerry- No, I don't.

John- Fag!
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  #266  
Old 04-29-2009, 11:16 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Wal Mart Diagnosis


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
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  #267  
Old 04-30-2009, 10:18 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I tried to phone the health department today to get some details about swine 'flu but I coudn't hear what they were saying because there was a lot of crackling on the line.
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  #268  
Old 04-30-2009, 10:25 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:confused: Is this one of those German jokes?
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  #269  
Old 04-30-2009, 10:44 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:lol:
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  #270  
Old 04-30-2009, 11:03 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Don't be nasty to the newbs, Crumb. I thought it was quite funny.
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  #271  
Old 05-01-2009, 01:11 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crumb View Post
:confused: Is this one of those German jokes?
Pork Crackling
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  #272  
Old 05-01-2009, 04:08 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What's the smartest vegetable? The aubergenius!
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  #273  
Old 05-01-2009, 07:15 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:ffstare:
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  #274  
Old 05-03-2009, 12:30 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Not really a joke, as such. But I think it's funny...

hmmm....pics not showing up. :/

here's the link: http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/20...acks-note.html
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  #275  
Old 05-03-2009, 07:11 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
<+HoCkster> I got an official warning from my bank
<+HoCkster> I usually pay my rent as "Columbian Drug Money", they never objected
<+HoCkster> but then I forgot my mates cell phone number,
<+HoCkster> we were both doing internet banking at the same time right
<@Lilzvixen> welcome to my room
<+HoCkster> so I give him a 1 cent payment going "What's your number"
<+HoCkster> and we start having this whole conversation
<+HoCkster> it was like webchat
<+HoCkster> so like 87 payments later, the bank rings me up and were like
<+HoCkster> "have you thought of getting MSN?"
Hehehe, I used to pay stuff as 'zwijggeld' (hush money), bank never objected to that either.
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