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Old 09-16-2013, 07:17 PM
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Default Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I came across this today, and some of these "problems" are quite familiar to me. (Others, not so much.):

When you need to take breaks and recharge after socializing too long.
Been there, done that. Several of my colleagues like to invite people over for dinner parties. The most social of my colleagues, Lauren, is constantly doing so. I can deal with that many people for perhaps an hour or maybe two before I find that I really, really need to get away and be alone for awhile.


When you hear, “Are you OK?” or “Why are you so quiet?” for the umpteenth time.

Yeah, people who don't know me well often ask if I'm okay, because I'm so quiet by nature. At social gatherings, I generally try my best to find a nice, quiet, out-of-the-way corner to sit in. Fortunately, most of my colleagues have figured out by now that this doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me.


Trying to be extra outgoing when you flirt so your crush doesn’t think you hate them.
It's not about flirting. But in social situations, I often find myself making a conscious effort to be outgoing, because otherwise, people tend to assume that I'm upset or something, because I generally don't speak. Honestly, though, I'm much more comfortable with sitting back and listening. If I think I have something worthwhile to say, I'll say my piece and then shut up. Otherwise, I'd perfectly comfortable just listening, thank you very much.


When people pressure you to be more social, whether you like it or not.
I've flat-out told Lauren that pretty-much the only reason I ever attend any of her frequent social gatherings is because I don't want to be anti-social. And while she definitely should not take it personally, she simply can't expect me to do this very often.


When you carry a book to a public place so no one will bug you, but other people take that as a conversation starter.
Been there, done that many, many times. Why do so many people apparently feel the need to approach a stranger and initiate conversation when you're reading? Isn't reading a book tantamount to wearing a t-shirt that's emblazoned with the message, "I'm not interested in conversation, thank you."?


When people make you feel weird for wanting to do things by yourself.
Yeah. My idea of a "perfect" day is one that's spent hiking in the woods or some such thing. Alone. As Lauren keeps telling me, that's just plain "weird."

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Old 09-16-2013, 07:50 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I had a similar problem to the book thing with solitaire. I spent a lot of time in a friend's coffee shop while I was in college and people were constantly interrupting my solitaire games. It's called solitaire for a reason, people!
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Old 09-16-2013, 07:53 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

Some of us are just really interested in books, I will come up and talk to you no problem. Although if you're actively reading it, and not just carrying it around I'm far more likely to bug you.
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:45 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

From reading about the book thing somewhere online (note: this source may be unreliable!), I seem to recall that the book thing really can be interpreted (or used) as a signal for 'come talk to me!'. Otherwise, why read in a public space?
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:48 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

When I lived in an apartment I did my laundry in a laundromat. Once I was there and reading a book and I noticed this woman having trouble figuring out the machines, so I helped her out, and we started talking. 2 years later we got married and that was 35 years ago, apparently books are not a good defense.
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:49 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

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Originally Posted by Dragar View Post
From reading about the book thing somewhere online (note: this source may be unreliable!), I seem to recall that the book thing really can be interpreted (or used) as a signal for 'come talk to me!'. Otherwise, why read in a public space?
If I am eating alone in a restaurant, I always have something to read and it really is annoying that people see this as a sign to come and talk.

I think it's that they think they are "helping", because - ALONE!11!1!1


ETA! I wouldn't actually class myself as an introvert but I do understand the book/reading thing and I do enjoy spending time alone.
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:49 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragar View Post
From reading about the book thing somewhere online (note: this source may be unreliable!), I seem to recall that the book thing really can be interpreted (or used) as a signal for 'come talk to me!'. Otherwise, why read in a public space?
I would be unsurprised to learn that extroverts generally interpret reading a book in a public space as an invitation to discuss the book, while introverts generally interpret the same as an invitation to leave the reader in peace to read.
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:51 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I know being introverted, being alone, and being lonely are not the same, I thought of this. It's one of the first songs I remember having on 45.

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Old 09-16-2013, 08:59 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leesifer View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragar View Post
From reading about the book thing somewhere online (note: this source may be unreliable!), I seem to recall that the book thing really can be interpreted (or used) as a signal for 'come talk to me!'. Otherwise, why read in a public space?
If I am eating alone in a restaurant, I always have something to read and it really is annoying that people see this as a sign to come and talk.

I think it's that they think they are "helping", because - ALONE!11!1!1


ETA! I wouldn't actually class myself as an introvert but I do understand the book/reading thing and I do enjoy spending time alone.
I think a book in a restaurant is very different from a book in a pub or cafe, for instance.

But yes, I'd normally not interpret it as a signal to be approached. For others I suspect it's an easy conversation starter that beats the weather.
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:58 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I think newspapers work better for "leave me alone" because they don't tell the other person very much about you other than that you read the news. So starting a conversation with you on the basis of the newspaper would only be a step above just randomly talking to you for no reason at all.

An e-reader would probably work even better, since they have no idea what you're reading.

There are some people who read books in public to project an image. I even saw a little article recently by a woman who was wondering what the perfect book would be to carry around with her (actually reading it wasn't as important) to attract the type of man she's interested in to talk to her. She was looking for a book that conveyed something about her politics, personality, interests, etc. clearly.

Newspapers and e-readers don't project much of an image at all. Probably even less than an iPad would.
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Old 09-16-2013, 10:11 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

This essay is probably one of the things that set off the whole "introvert rights" movement. If you haven't seen it, it is pretty good:

Caring for Your Introvert - Jonathan Rauch - The Atlantic

The things I really take exception to are when people try to 'cure' me, telling me it'd be good for me to attend every possible social event, and, probably relatedly, when they project their own behaviors onto me.

Like, the only time they might act the way I'm acting is when they're depressed or anxious or something, therefore I must be depressed or anxious or something. And they don't listen at all when you try to explain because it's just that unfathomable to them that some people's interests and motivations are that different from theirs. (My theory is that extroverted people tend to talk through their thought processes out loud to other people so often that it ends up perpetuating the idea that it's universal.)

But really. Come on. I'd imagine people would be rightly offended if you were to tell them it'd be 'good for them' to stay home and stop socializing all the time, or if you just assumed they had some kind of histrionic personality disorder because they're chatty and like to be around people a lot.

Sometimes, I am kind of tempted to do that, even though I don't (usually) believe that.
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Old 09-16-2013, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

Reading a book in a cafe was one of the multiple ways people used to "intellectually pose" in order for others to come over and admire your great big brain. Also used, sketchpad and art stuff.

So maybe things have changed? Coffee shops used to be great places for that sort of thing, now it's just people ignoring each other on laptops. I swear if I had a coffee shop now, I'd kick out everyone and block wi-fi.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:08 AM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I feel your pain, introverts. I can be boisterous, jovial, and even loud with people that I am very familiar with, but sometimes even with my own family I'd rather fade into the wallpaper, I'm more comfortable there. And with people I'm not very familiar with, I am that quiet guy in the corner with very little to say. I will answer a direct question in those situations, but often with a curt reply.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:24 AM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

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Reading a book in a cafe was one of the multiple ways people used to "intellectually pose" in order for others to come over and admire your great big brain. Also used, sketchpad and art stuff.
Ha ha! You just totally summed up the coffee house where I met Contra.

I was there to read though, honestly. I was in a new city with no friends or family. I had been cooped up at home for weeks and finally decided to take myself to a movie and coffee afterwards. I sat down with my coffee and my book and realized that people kept looking over at me like I had a booger on my face or something. I finally decided I was going to leave when a guy walked up to me and exclaimed "Where do you think you are, Starbucks?!"

I probably gaped like a fish before he introduced himself and took me around and introduced me to everyone in the place. Including the interrupter guy's roommate, a tall handsome fellow with a sketchbook, charcoals, and long hair.

Quote:
So maybe things have changed? Coffee shops used to be great places for that sort of thing, now it's just people ignoring each other on laptops. I swear if I had a coffee shop now, I'd kick out everyone and block wi-fi.
They are few and far between now. There are two shops I know of where you can go and actually meet people, maybe, but nothing like that place once upon a time. I have far more luck at the pubs.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:26 AM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

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Old 09-17-2013, 02:45 AM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

A year or so ago on playa our Poly camp did daily workshops, one of which was dating and poly for introverts. It was well attended as there seems to be a large number of introverts in the tech and poly worlds. Another much larger poly camp forgot about one of their own events and started sending people our way, so in the middle of the introverts workshop we keep getting people looking for Three-Way Speed Dating! We were tempted to end the workshop with "Now group up introverts, we finally got you out of your camp, it's time to Threeway Speed date!" but figured it wouldn't go over well with the introvert speakers who ran it.
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:27 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

Michael, are you OK?
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:29 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand



:giggle:
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Old 09-17-2013, 07:17 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I can relate, although I do tend to talk a lot when in a social setting. I don't want to seem rude. Normally I play with my son and the kids as a way to avoid talking to people, though. Like, I'll make my rounds and chat with the people I care about, and then I will slip into mommy mode and escape the rest of the day. To be honest, I really just don't like talking to a lot of people because they make me mad. So maybe I am a little antisocial.
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Old 09-17-2013, 07:53 PM
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I can relate, although I do tend to talk a lot when in a social setting. I don't want to seem rude. Normally I play with my son and the kids as a way to avoid talking to people, though. Like, I'll make my rounds and chat with the people I care about, and then I will slip into mommy mode and escape the rest of the day. To be honest, I really just don't like talking to a lot of people because they make me mad. So maybe I am a little antisocial.
No, I think you're normal, most people make other people mad. You're not antisocial, just anti-people, which is normal for normal people.

There is a phrase that starts "I don't like people who," which at that point is one word too long.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:00 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

People.

"So nice to meet you. What's your sign??"

"I believe that good people go to heaven and bad people go to hell. Don't you?"

"Why are you always reading? You should get your nose out of books!"

"What are you writing? Why don't you socialize?"

"What do you mean you're not a sports fan? Don't you root for a team?"

"We should nuke all the Muslims Ö What do you mean, you don't agree? Are you a supporter of terrorists?"

"Have you found Jesus yet?"

The real meaning of persona is a mask, such as actors were accustomed to wear on the ancient stage; and it is quite true that no one shows himself as he is, but wears his mask and plays his part. Indeed, the whole of our social arrangements may be likened to a perpetual comedy; and this is why a man who is worth anything finds society so insipid, while a blockhead is quite at home in it. -- Arthur Schopenhauer
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:11 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I find being a cook comes in useful in avoiding socializing. I can busy myself working in the kitchen while others socialize. Since most of my family know I will kill them with whatever utensil is handy if they get in my way while I'm cooking, it works pretty well.

I also read an article a while back that said you should always carry two drinks at a party. People will think you are on your way back to whomever the other drink is for and won't stop you to talk.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

Plus, two drinks!

:woohoo::undrunk::woohoo:
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:33 PM
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

I kind of love having a tiny kitchen for that reason, but people still come in to natter at me sometimes. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A RULE TO STAY OUT.

Whatcha doing? What is that stuff? Oh, don't mind me, I'm just going to come in and make some fucking toast or some shit! LALALALALA.

Argh. I got peoples coming tonight.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:34 PM
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Ensign Steve Ensign Steve is offline
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Default Re: Problems Only Introverts Will Understand


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