After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive."
"That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.
"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren.
"Oh, my gosh, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
"I don't know," said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
A lady brought her parrot to the vet because she thought it was asleep and wouldn't wake up. The vet examined it and told her it was dead.
She said, "It couldn't be dead, are you sure?" He said he was sure but she just wouldn't believe him. He said he could run more tests if she wanted and she said she did.
So he brought in a Labrador and he put his paws up on the table and sniffed the parrot and shook his head and walked away; then he brought in a cat and put it up on the table and the cat sniffed it all over and shook his head and jumped down.
"The parrot is indeed dead." the vet informed her. "That will be $150."
"What!? $150 just to tell me my parrot is dead!!?" the lady said agast.
"I told you it was dead," said the vet, "and you didn't believe me so I got a lab report and a cat scan; if you had taken my word for it the cost would only have been $20."
A cruise ship is going down. A rabbi and a Sovereignist are among the passengers.
The captain shouts: "Women and children first! Women and children first!"
The rabbi grumbles, "fuck the children!"
The Sovereignist replies, "Do we have time?"
LoL. I figured something like that was coming, but you had said you'd put me on permanent ignore. See, I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it!
And joking aside, if finding girls with substantial development sexy makes one a pedophile, then pedophilia is normal. Are you really so lame as to think that the boundaries of normal lust are drawn by what is legal in a given time and place (which varies dramatically)? Please, man. Even you're not that dense. You just don't think clearly when it comes to this subject.
if finding girls with substantial development sexy makes one a pedophile, then pedophilia is normal.
No, you pathetic freak, it is ACTING on those feelings or thinking there is nothing wrong with acting on them that makes you a pedophile. Now, go cry to Jenni and leave us the fuck alone.
A neutron walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says" How much for a beer?" The bartender looks back at the Neutron and says " For you, no charge."
__________________
A Tachyon walks out of a bar.
A Tachyon walks into a bar.
The bartender says" Hey, We don't serve your kind"
The Tachyon says" OK" and turns to leave.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible,
A silver dollar,
A bottle of whisky and
A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table with curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!"
Sov, we already pointed out, months ago, that "normal" and "healthy" are not the same thing. Lots of impulses which are normal turn out not to be good ideas.
Interestingly, you keep ignoring that. But hey, that's okay, right? Because being too fucking stupid to read is probably "normal".
__________________ Hear me / and if I close my mind in fear / please pry it open See me / and if my face becomes sincere / beware Hold me / and when I start to come undone / stitch me together Save me / and when you see me strut / remind me of what left this outlaw torn
Few people realize it, but the common "cat flea," Ctenocephalides felis, is actually migratory. I.e., it prefers to take its vacations in Florida.
Freddy, one such flea, was sunning himself on the beach near Miami one day, when he spotted an old friend. His friend was in horrible shape: dissheveled, bruised, and shivering uncontrollably.
"Herbie! What on Earth happened to you?"
"Well," Herbie answered, "I tried to hitch a ride on a human, remembering that you once recommended that as the easiest and fastest way to migrate. So I listened around for someone headed south, and when I found this guy saying he was taking a trip to Miami, I hopped onto his head and hid in his hair. God, what a horrible mistake. He turned out to be a motorcycle rider, and one of those hardcore types who rides without a helmet, at 100+ mph, and rarely stops for anything besides gas. So I was battered by flying dust and gravel, had a few near-collisions with other bugs, and what's worst, nearly froze to death from the constant wind. I'm lucky to be alive!"
"Oh, Herbie, Herbie! NEVER do it that way! You've got to find a safer spot, and preferably on a host that's about to fly down here. Next time, go to the airport, find a stewardess, and hitch a ride in her pubes. It's warm, safe, and you'll be here in no time."
The next year, Freddy was lounging on the same beach, sipping his pina colada, when he spotted Herbie again. If anything, this time the guy was in even worse shape, shivering worse, horribly pale, and barely able to crawl, let alone hop.
"What happened this time, Herbie?"
"Well, I took your advice and found a nice stewardess headed for Florida. I crawled into her pubes, and it was so nice and warm that I fell asleep."
"Sounds great, so what went wrong?"
"Well, the next thing I know, I wake up and I'm on this guy's mustache ..."
... it would have given too much away to title this story Herbie Rides Again.
__________________
"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
Saturday February 14, 2009 This joke email is currently making the rounds. While Ben & Jerry's has no actual plans for a Bush ice cream flavor, the possibilities are hilarious.
Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. They then asked people to fill in the blank for the following:
For George W., Ben & Jerry created "_________".
Here are some of their favorite responses:
- Grape Depression
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Impeach Mint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate
- WMDelicious
- Guantanmallow
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Housing Crunch
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- "You're Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A" Sundae
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherf**ker... Swirl
- Country Pumpkin
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .....
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully !!!!
A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
"What is this..a joke?"
Two apples are in an oven.
The first one turns to the second one and says, "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?'
The second apple says, "Holy shit! A talking apple!!!!"
So Christ gets nailed up on the cross. He looks down threateningly at the crowd beneath him: "Don't you dare touch my freakin' Easter eggs", he shouts. "I'll be back on Monday".
__________________
“Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.”
Three nuns die in a fire at the convent, and arrive at the Pearly Gates. (No, it's not the holy water joke.)
St. Peter tells them that because they died without the benefit of Last Rites or a recent-enough confession, they might need to spend some time in Purgatory. All three nuns protest, saying that they have devoted their lives to God, and that should count for something.
"Fine, then," Pete says. "I'll let you in. I need to administer some sort of test, though, so each of you will have to answer a basic Bible question. Don't worry, I'll make them easy."
He asks the first nun, "How many days did God take to create everything?"
"Six," she replies.
AND THE HEAVENLY BAND PLAYS A FANFARE AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.
He turns to the second nun. "Who were the first two people on Earth?"
"Adam and Eve," she answers.
AND THE HEAVENLY BAND PLAYS A FANFARE AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.
He turns to the third nun. "What did Eve first say to Adam?"
The nun thinks for a moment.
"Gee, that's a hard one."
AND THE HEAVENLY BAND PLAYS A FANFARE AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.
__________________
"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
Re: Somebody Tell A Joke
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Linear Mode
