I only got nine Google hits when I searched for "Alton Brown sucks" just now, and one of them was some guy complaining that there were no Google results for "Alton Brown sucks."
So I am just starting this thread, titled "Alton Brown Sucks," to attract all of the web traffic from people searching for the phrase "Alton Brown sucks."
You know why else? Because Alton Brown sucks is why else.
His skits are stupid and his methodologies are flawed. I am tired of there not being very many search results for "Alton Brown sucks."
To be fair, to say that Alton Brown sucks is overstating the case. I guess I shouldn't say Alton Brown sucks so much as I should say the subset of people who never question Alton Brown sucks.
Well now I've got a dilemma. I had to utilize Google to find out who Alton Brown is, but I don't want to spend too much time reading about someone who sucks. Can you just tell me why he sucks?
Alton Brown is a cooking celebrity guy who has a show called Good Eats on the Food Network, plus he's on Iron Chef America. And everyone loves him because he talks about the sciencey aspects of cooking. Which he illustrates, all too frequently, with wacky skits.
The PROBLEM with the sciencey aspect of the show is that there is this subset of people, many of whom I suspect have never cooked before in their lives, who take everything he says as gospel.
So, for example, before Thanksgiving, every time there was any discussion of how to cook a turkey, some n00b would confidently pipe in "NEVER BASTE A TURKEY!" I'm going to say I saw it at least four different times, in four completely different forums.
So I'm all like WTF? Howcome there are allasudden assholes on digg and shit like that yelling at people not to baste turkeys? So I look up. Alton Brown. Based, apparently, on the science of "turkey skin is waterproof" or something, ignoring the fact that you properly baste a turkey by inserting the liquid under the skin, which anyone who owns a cookbook knows.
Similarly, knife sharpening. Alton Brown once said that it is impossible or summat for a mere mortal to sharpen his or her own kitchen knives, and there is this well-traveled YouTube video of him saying that you have to wait until some old man comes by with a door-to-door knife sharpening service if you ever want your knives sharpened.
I don't remember any putative science behind that one, even. I think it was just a proclamation. But seriously, go around on nerd places on the internets and mention that you're a-fixing to go sharpen your kitchen knives, and some guy living in his mother's basement will inform you that this is IMPOSSIBLE.
The Grim Reaper's obvious frustration during the mushroom episode was palpable. Now that there is edge-of-the-seat excitement in the arena of food education.
Hopefully all those folks watching Alton Brown will temper his facts with the genius of Sandra Lee's cooking tips.
OK, in Mr. Brown's defense, a lot of his adoring acolytes who don't know anything about cooking don't understand what he's saying. I didn't see the turkey-basting episode, so I can't comment on that one, but the knife-sharpening thing? Mr. Brown agrees with pretty much every other cooking authority. He says that there are two factors in how sharp a knife is -- the blade's true and its actual sharpness -- and that one can, and should, true one's blades oneself on a steel. The actual sharpening should be done professionally once or twice a year, but if you learn from someone who knows what they're doing you can do it yourself on a stone. And that electric sharpeners are a bad idea, which they totally are.
I disagree with some of what Alton says, but I find his cultists much more objectionable than he is.
Hey now, I like Alton. I love that he combines science and cooking. There's nothing wrong with getting people to look at WHY something works or doesn't in the kitchen. Hell, that's what got me into science in the first place, growing up and cooking in mom's kitchen. Some of his methods are good, I love that he doesn't believe in buying all sorts of fancy gadgets to cook (which many other cooking shows will recommend). Now some of his recommendations I wouldn't follow because I cook the way my grandma and mom taught me and if it works why fix it? Plus to me there are certain things I just don't feel like taking 4 hours to make when I can make it in one and it's pretty damn good my way.
But I do agree there are people that take what he says as written in stone.
Honestly, the way I have become the cook I am is I take bits and pieces from all over. There is no chef or tv personality that I would take all their advice as gospel.
Oh the basting turkey thing, I guess the way I've always seen it done is people only basting on the surface of the turkey. I don't baste anyway, never have, I cook my turkey breast side down so I don't need to. But Alton is definitely not the only one that says not to baste, I've seen it elsewhere too.
OK, in Mr. Brown's defense, a lot of his adoring acolytes who don't know anything about cooking don't understand what he's saying. I didn't see the turkey-basting episode, so I can't comment on that one, but the knife-sharpening thing? Mr. Brown agrees with pretty much every other cooking authority. He says that there are two factors in how sharp a knife is -- the blade's true and its actual sharpness -- and that one can, and should, true one's blades oneself on a steel.
I only saw the excerpt of the sharpening episode, and I didn't see the turkey basting, either. But my beef is not actually with him. (I just felt like Googlebombing.) It's with people who cite him as 'proof' that everyone else--including, say, Julia Child--is doing something wrong. I don't know if he's culpable in perpetuating this notion of it it's just that, because he uses 'science,' people think his conclusions are infallible, or what. It happens, though, and it's annoying.
I agree, though, that he probably performs a valuable service. Like that guy who does Uncle Mark's Gift Guide, he tells you the most effective solution for the most common use case. Uncle Mark will recommend, say, ONE digital camera, ONE MP3 player, etc. No comparisons or discussions of any other options--just the one, most likely recommendation for people who don't have preexisting preferences and who don't want to bother reading through specs and reviews and stuff.
Which is great for those people, but to extend that analogy, it'd be like someone telling you that you got the wrong camera or MP3 player because you chose something else.
I sharpened my kitchen knives last night out of spite. If I'd had an electric sharpener, I would have used that! (OK. Not really. And I wasn't even being spiteful. My knives already needed sharpened, and it just reminded me that that was yet another violation of an Alton Brown dictate.)
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I disagree with some of what Alton says, but I find his cultists much more objectionable than he is.
Yeah. That's it. I disagree with some of what he says, just as I disagree with some of what anybody says. There's just something so deeply annoying about that subset of his followers that it makes me want to, oh say, increase the number of hits for "Alton Brown sucks."
Good that you don't use an electric sharpener, they are hell on most good knives. A stone and if you really want to go sharp some oil is best. The idea that you can't sharpen knives yourself is pretty stupid and maybe he just sucks at it.
Sharpen ... knives? People outside of hippie communes do that? What, do you make your own clothes, too? I'd rather unload the old set at a gar(b)age sale, and find a new set on special somewhere. CONSUME! CONSUME!
__________________
"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
Good that you don't use an electric sharpener, they are hell on most good knives. A stone and if you really want to go sharp some oil is best. The idea that you can't sharpen knives yourself is pretty stupid and maybe he just sucks at it.
Once more into the breach, and again, this is not just something Alton Brown says:
When we talk about "sharpening" knives, we are usually talking about truing the blade. Knife blades get minutely knocked offcenter all the time, creating little dings which make the blade feel dull. You can actually see these dings, and you can eliminate them yourself with a steel. Alton, and everyone else, advocates doing this every couple of days. So, that thing you do with your knives and that groovy thing that came with the knife kit, that looks like a prop sword? Where you hold the blade at a 15% angle and make that satisfying metallic shrieking sound on the steel? That's what you do at home. It isn't technically sharpening -- just straightening.
Actual sharpening has to happen much less frequently. It's what happens when the blade gets flat. In order to fix this, you need to actually remove metal. A steel only moves it around. Removing metal is tricky, which is why it's safest to leave it to the pros. Electric knife sharpeners are a bad idea because they remove metal every time when truing the blade would suffice, thus dramatically shortening the life of the knife.
So, what you're saying is that I should remove the metal from my knives before I hit it with that sword?
ETA: I true my knives purt near every time I use them. I sharpen my knives when they actually get dull, which is prolly every six months or so, but I am not sure about the math, what with my being a girl and all. I use a stone, which I larnt from reading about it in books and stuff, and am not even entirely sure how an electric knife sharpener is supposed to work.
One more quick question: Does anyone know any good way to sharpen knives with a gun that would, like, be loaded with a specially designed knife-sharpening bullet? Because I have decided that the rest of the options are all way too boring.
__________________ Of Courtesy, it is much less than Courage of Heart or Holiness. Yet in my walks it seems to me that the Grace of God is in Courtesy.
So, what you're saying is that I should remove the metal from my knives before I hit it with that sword?
I totally deserved that for being so dang stuffy.
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ETA: I true my knives purt near every time I use them. I sharpen my knives when they actually get dull, which is prolly every six months or so, but I am not sure about the math, what with my being a girl and all. I use a stone, which I larnt from reading about it in books and stuff, and am not even entirely sure how an electric knife sharpener is supposed to work.
This is my regimen as well, and I am too afraid of electric knife sharpeners to know much about how they work; I do trust The Authorities on that one.
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Originally Posted by TomJoe
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Originally Posted by Ensign Steve
Yes, but what about Rachael Ray?
Rachael Ray?! OK, let me try to figure this one out. Attractive in an unchallenging way? Check. Not intimidating? Check. Nice and smiley and never, ever emasculating? Check. Produces meals? Check. OK, I guess in a world where Madison Michele from the TV Guide Channel is also a sex symbol, this makes sense.
Rachael Ray?! OK, let me try to figure this one out. Attractive in an unchallenging way? Check. Not intimidating? Check. Nice and smiley and never, ever emasculating? Check. Produces meals? Check. OK, I guess in a world where Madison Michele from the TV Guide Channel is also a sex symbol, this makes sense.
[sarcasm]Yeah, that's it.[/sarcasm]
Didn't know I could only be attracted to people that others approved of.
__________________ Of Courtesy, it is much less than Courage of Heart or Holiness. Yet in my walks it seems to me that the Grace of God is in Courtesy.
Rachael Ray?! OK, let me try to figure this one out. Attractive in an unchallenging way? Check. Not intimidating? Check. Nice and smiley and never, ever emasculating? Check. Produces meals? Check. OK, I guess in a world where Madison Michele from the TV Guide Channel is also a sex symbol, this makes sense.
[sarcasm]Yeah, that's it.[/sarcasm]
Didn't know I could only be attracted to people that others approved of.
Oh, I wasn't dissing you specifically at all, TomJoe, and it isn't that I disapprove of Rachael Ray per se, either -- at least my beef with her is not with her alleged attractiveness. It's just that she is an object of drooling lechery for a lot of guys, and unless I sit back and take stock of her conventionally appealing qualities, I don't see it at all.