Things working out

[LadyShea]

I received several comments on my journal entry titled "I want resolution", one of which was from livius that said "You don't brood..." and closely echoed some sentiments made by Pesci. Now, my first thought upon reading that was "That's because things always work out the way I want them to".

So I started trying to find any problem that hadn't worked out the way I wanted it to...and dammit if there aren't a BUNCH. Things don't always work out my way at all. So I had to figure out why I had thought that I had some charmed life...and I think it's because...I don't brood . I make the best of whatever the situation is, try my hardest to improve the outcome, and move on...apparently thinking I have actually DONE something.

So, have I been lying to myself, or just mistaken, or do I reinterpret shit resolving in some fashion as being according to my plan?

Anybody else have any idea what I am talking about here? It really bothers me that I may have convinced myself that I am just so damned good, when maybe it's just that I throw in the towel too often.

[Roland98]

I make the best of whatever the situation is, try my hardest to improve the outcome, and move on...apparently thinking I have actually DONE something.

But you have done something. You've moved on. Not everyone is able to do that.

And yes, I know what you're talking about here. You're the kind of person (IMO) who, when life provides you with lemons, you make lemonade. I don't see that as "throwing in the towel" (and all the negative connotations that go with that); I simply see it as making a decision that's best for you, and implementing it. Simple as that.

I'm pretty much the same way. If you look back at my 10-year plan a decade ago, it's drastically different from where I am today. (And I know, because I looked at my journal from when I graduated high school, and had a good laugh at the "in ten years I will be..." portion). I sure as hell never planned on being back in the Midwest. Didn't plan on kids yet, and of course I was going to be married forever (but not until I was at least in my 30s). Certainly never would have thought I'd be moving to freaking Iowa, of all places. But so what? I have 2 great kids, a good job with a better one coming up, and from the vantage of a lot of my friends, I live a charmed life, probably because of a similar reason you though you did, LS--because I can take a negative and even if I can't turn it into a positive, I can at least neutralize it and move on.

A very wise man once told me something along the lines of, "We all carry a certain amount of shit with us, but I don't stop every day to smell mine." I think it's those of us who follow that reasoning who are able to get over life's little bumps--or even larger tragedies--with more ease. What good does it do any of us to dwell on events in the past that you can't change?

[HelenM]

Hi LadyShea,

Trying your hardest then moving on sounds like a great approach to me. I don't see how that can be considered 'throwing in the towel'.

I expect you're emotionally wrung dry right now. When I'm in that state I tend to get very down on myself. Hopefully once you've had some time to recover you'll feel more confident again about your approach to life.

Helen

[Beth]

Hon, I do think you have the right attitude. If you feel it is time to stop, then it is time. Do not destroy yourself trying to chase a dream, unless you feel it is obtainable. It seems you both tried. Being infertile is not a sin. Being a married, childless couple is not a sin. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You tried and that is so admirable and you did not throw in the towel without at least trying.

You see, many throw in the towel without ever trying.

[LadyShea]

Thanks guys, you're the best. I need to rant a bit here then I swear I'll drop it. Feel free to ignore, because it might be pretty bad.

[rant] Okay, the whole reason I am so pissed is that my knowledge and research and planning don't mean dick. I am one of the "go to" people on the infertility boards because I know frickin' everything and if I don't know it, I always easily find out because I am not a frickin' moron who can't figure out how to spell IVF to put it into frickin' Google. Here I talk to these bubbleheads whose biggest concern is whether they will gain weight while injecting their body full of hormones that cause frickin' water weight gain or want to choose the gender of the embryos transferred to "balance their family" or completely sympathize with and excuse their husband's whining and crying at the horror of masturbating on demand ONCE....yet they waltz on in to the worst clinic in the fucking country and come out pregnant with twins then come back and "wish me their baby dust". Goddammit I know life is NOT fair...I KNOW that....but why are the stupid so much better able to reproduce? [/rant]

Thanks, I feel better.

[Ronin]

Goddammit I know life is NOT fair...I KNOW that....but why are the stupid so much better able to reproduce?

...

...

...

Wait a minute...I have three kids!





Seriously though, Brandi, love and committment are the only requirements to having and raising a child...not biology.

I was not raised by my mother until I turned five years old and have never known my biological father...and I turned out just fine.

Okay, bad example.

What I'm saying is, in my line of work I have seen so much abuse and despair and neglect wrought upon infants and children that I wish someone could rescue every single one of them from it...take them all in and give them what they probably will never experience in "The System".

I hope that you will give some serious thought and consideration toward adoption as an equally valid way to create the family you deserve.

That's not throwing in the towel, in my view, that's washing more of them.

[LadyShea]

I have absolutely not ruled out adoption my friend, and in fact have amped up my research in that area. BUT, so far I am finding that the "system" makes it very, very difficult. Talk to a social worker sometime, if you look at those kids' records, only a tiny fraction are available for adoption...most languish in foster care in the hopes that their parents will somehow straighten up and they can be sent back home. I am not making excuses here, the chilld protective system in this country is seriously fucked up.

There are kids available with such profound disabilities they need 24 hour care...which I cannot provide and work at the same time. There are emotionally disturbed kids available, but some are so damaged by their experiences that they are considered a possible danger to pets and other children. There are kids of other races available, but they don't like to give them to white couples in many states.

Anyway, we said we would go the IVF route first, then decide what to do. We couldn't even start a home study for adoption until we move...maybe the Alabama system is better.

[seebs]

I wish I had a source...

There's a study someone supposedly did. He advertised in the newspaper for self-identified "lucky" or "unlucky" people, and tested them. His conclusion: "Lucky" people are adaptible.

Example: People were assigned the task "tell the researcher how many pictures are in this newspaper". On about page two was a large ad in plain text saying "Stop counting. There are N pictures." People who self-identified as "lucky" were more likely to spot it. Another said "stop counting and tell the researcher you spotted this to get $50." Once again, "lucky" people were more likely to spot it.

So... Some amount of "luck" may be a willingness to adopt on the fly to new circumstances or options.

[HelenM]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

Thanks guys, you're the best. I need to rant a bit here then I swear I'll drop it. Feel free to ignore, because it might be pretty bad.

[rant] Okay, the whole reason I am so pissed is that my knowledge and research and planning don't mean dick. I am one of the "go to" people on the infertility boards because I know frickin' everything and if I don't know it, I always easily find out because I am not a frickin' moron who can't figure out how to spell IVF to put it into frickin' Google. Here I talk to these bubbleheads whose biggest concern is whether they will gain weight while injecting their body full of hormones that cause frickin' water weight gain or want to choose the gender of the embryos transferred to "balance their family" or completely sympathize with and excuse their husband's whining and crying at the horror of masturbating on demand ONCE....yet they waltz on in to the worst clinic in the fucking country and come out pregnant with twins then come back and "wish me their baby dust". Goddammit I know life is NOT fair...I KNOW that....but why are the stupid so much better able to reproduce? [/rant]

Thanks, I feel better.

I think you made the right choice posting that rant here instead of on the IVF womens board

It doesn't seem fair that other people easily come by what we want, have made every effort to get, and still don't have. I've thought this a lot. Sometimes I tell myself, it probably goes both ways; in other words, there are things I have (maybe even take for granted) that they want very much, but lack. Sometimes it helps. If we could see inside people, I wonder if we'd find anyone who has never felt the pain of wanting something terribly and still not having it after doing everything in their power to get it. I suspect not.

And logically and rationally, I don't see why it should make me feel even worse to see that others have what I seem unable to have. But emotionally, it's very hard sometimes not to be desperately jealous of them.

Helen

[LadyShea]

So... Some amount of "luck" may be a willingness to adapt on the fly to new circumstances or options.

Do you know why I picked this coyote picture as my avatar (besides it just being beautiful)? Despite years of humans trying to eradicate them and being labeled "vermin", and loss of their natural habitat, the coyote population has thrived and increased. Their cousins, wolves, are near extinction. That's because coyotes easily adapt to new environments and food sources...they live everywhere, even urban areas, and eat whatever is handy. I have always identified with them.

And logically and rationally, I don't see why it should make me feel even worse to see that others have what I seem unable to have. But emotionally, it's very hard sometimes not to be desperately jealous of them.

Yes. I feel bad about this too . I have a lot....I mean a lot (not talking material things. I have a great family and husband and friends and hobbies and dogs)...and I am happy with what I do have, because I have worked hard for everything. It's just difficult for me to accept that my hard work is meaningless in some situations....that I can't always "buy" what I want with my sincerest efforts. I don't expect something for nothing, and never have, so it pisses me off and makes me jealous when some people just get whatever seemingly effortlessly.

My problem is that they may have put in work that I can't see, and I need to be charitable and assume they also worked hard towards that goal.

[HelenM]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

Yes. I feel bad about this too . I have a lot....I mean a lot (not talking material things. I have a great family and husband and friends and hobbies and dogs)...and I am happy with what I do have, because I have worked hard for everything. It's just difficult for me to accept that my hard work is meaningless in some situations....that I can't always "buy" what I want with my sincerest efforts. I don't expect something for nothing, and never have, so it pisses me off and makes me jealous when some people just get whatever seemingly effortlessly.

I think that's very understandable. It seems so unfair

My problem is that they may have put in work that I can't see, and I need to be charitable and assume they also worked hard towards that goal.

I definitely think that's true in some cases, but in others people really do effortlessly btain what we want and we don't have even though we've worked really hard to get it. That's...life, I guess...

Helen