How Adam Failed to Get His Grill Back

[Adam]

This might not be, strictly speaking, a Food & Drink topic, but I feel the need to rant, and it does involve cooking, so...

I own a propane grill. I love my propane grill, old and battered as it may be. Why do I love my propane grill? Why, thank you for asking. I love my propane grill because it gives me all the advantages of cooking (like, you know, having actual warm food to eat) and very few of the disadvantages (like, you know, having to wash whatever vessel I happen to cook in, wipe splatters off my countertop and stove, etc...in fact, the only cooking-related disadvantage that carries over to the grill is that I have to actually stand there and cook). "This doesn't sound like much of a rant, Adam, " you're thinking, "This sounds more like some creepy love letter to your propane grill." Shut up. I'm getting to the rantish bit.

Apparently, the Indiana legislature decided, back in May of 2003, that I was getting along just a little too well with my propane grill. At that point, the crusty old motherfuckers all got together and enacted Indiana Fire Code Section 307.5 Open-flame cooking devices, which states:

Charcoal burners and other open-flame cooking devices shall not be operated on combustible balconies or within 10 feet (3048 mm) of combustible construction.

Exceptions:

1. One- and two-family dwellings.
2. Where buildings and decks are protected by an automatic sprinkler system.

Section 307.5.1 Liquefied-petroleum-gas-fueled cooking devices. LP-gas burners having a LP-gas container with a water capacity greater than 2.5 pounds (1.14 kg) [nominal 1 pound (0.454 kg) LP-gas capacity] shall not be located on combustible balconies or within 10 feet (3048 mm) of combustible construction

Exceptions:

One- and two-family dwellings.

This has led to a merry game in which my apartment complex leaves a nasty note on my door telling me to get rid of my propane tank, I bring it inside (or, more often, my roommate brings it inside, since he gets home first and, I suspect, knows that I won't do it without bitching loudly), wait a couple of weeks, and then take it back out and begin using it again. This normally lasts for several weeks before they notice that I've been cooking again and demand that I move the propane back into the safety of my apartment. I'm apparently not the only one playing this game, judging from the number of other grills I can see from my back patio whose propane tanks appear and disappear on a regular basis. The apartment complex continues to gripe, and to point out that they've installed charcoal grills in one of the communal outside areas. Great. I can't wait to carry my chicken breast or burger or whatever a hundred and fifty yards across the apartment complex, while lugging a bag of charcoal, get a fire started, cook my meal for one, put the fire out, clean the grill, lug my charcoal, food, etc., back across the complex, and put up with other people's children the entire time just so I can eat dinner. That's far more convenient than taking two steps out my back door, twisting a knob to turn the grill on, and sitting outside with a book and a beer while my dinner cooks.

Now, it's bad enough that the people who run this third rate state have decided that I can't cook outside, but what really sets me off is the exception: "One- and two-family dwellings". What's this? Are the people who live in these "One- and two-family dwellings" smarter, more alert, better aware of fire saftey procedures (i.e. common sense)? Or are these "One- and two-family dwellings" all made of some space-age fire retardant material? Or is it that the legislators know damn good and well that they'd never get away with pissing off people who own their own homes, who tend to be a bit older and wealtheir than apartment dwellers, and more likely to vote? Hmmm...

Well, I guess I'll fume a bit while I try to figure out what I'm doing for dinner, since I'm in a "propane inside" stage of the game right now and all I have to eat in the place is some ground turkey that I had intended to make a burger out of. Did someone say, "going out"?

Oh, I forgot to say...there may be a way around this...if I can find a propane tank with a capacity of 1 lb or less...and I don't mind refilling it every other day.

[viscousmemories]

Originally Posted by Adam

Now, it's bad enough that the people who run this third rate state have decided that I can't cook outside, but what really sets me off is the exception: "One- and two-family dwellings". What's this? Are the people who live in these "One- and two-family dwellings" smarter, more alert, better aware of fire saftey procedures (i.e. common sense)? Or are these "One- and two-family dwellings" all made of some space-age fire retardant material? Or is it that the legislators know damn good and well that they'd never get away with pissing off people who own their own homes, who tend to be a bit older and wealtheir than apartment dwellers, and more likely to vote? Hmmm...

Well, I hate to rain on a perfectly good conspiracy theory my brotha, but I would venture a guess that it's more likely they're concerned about the exponential damage (in property and lives) that could come from an apt. building going up in smoke vs. a single home.

[Dingfod]

There are an unbelievable number of fires started by bbq grills on apartment balconies. There have been at least four this year in Tulsa alone. When they have a fire there it often puts four or more families out on the street and causes hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of damage.

Edited to add: About 10 years ago a female coworker's husband burned their house down with a propane grill that was too close to their house.


Warren

[Adam]

Hey! Stop turning my rant thread into a serious dicussion! Bastards!

Follow-up: The smallest propane tank I can find has a capacity of...I shit you not...1.02 lbs.

[livius drusus]

Can't you just promise never to use that last .02 lb?

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Adam

Hey! Stop turning my rant thread into a serious dicussion! Bastards!

How did you know I was named for the mailman?

Follow-up: The smallest propane tank I can find has a capacity of...I shit you not...1.02 lbs.

How about butane instead, I'll bet you can get a butane lighter that is under an ounce. It might take a while to grill a steak, but if your landlord says anything, you can just slip it in your pocket.


Warren

[LadyShea]

They now make electric outdoor grills too.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

Can't you just promise never to use that last .02 lb?

I think the concern is with having over a pound of propane sitting there were it can explode. That extra .02 lbs is the deadly bit in a propane explosion, or so my research* indicates. Maybe if I opened the valve in the store before I bought the tank and vented off .02 lbs of gas? Of course, the problem there is that 55 other people might see me doing it and get the bright idea to mimic me, and then there would be a deadly quantity of combustible propane floating around waiting for some guy to light a cigarette in dramatic slow motion.

*By "research", in this context, I mean, of course, "bullshit statement I just made up so I could sound all smart and whatnot".

[Adam]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

They now make electric outdoor grills too.

You know, I didn't realize that they made electric grills that weren't of the George Foreman (and various ripoff brands) variety, but I just went and looked online, and it appears that they do. Thanks for the tip. Has anyone used one of these things? Do they actually work comparably to a real grill?

It doesn't really bother me that badly to buy a new grill, I suppose, as I got the one I have now for free several years ago from a coworker who bought a new one, and it's not in the best shape, but I'd be really irritated if I'd purchased a grill recently, as several of my neighbors appear to have done not long before the new law went into effect.

[livius drusus]

I know you're not badmouthing the Foreman.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

I know you're not badmouthing the Foreman.

I have two complaints with the Foreman:

My main beef is that the cooking surfaces get all nasty and greasy if you don't do a very thorough job of scrubbing them down after every use, and they're not the most convenient things in the world to scrub, being attached, as they are, to the rest of the grill. It's quite possibly a bigger pain the ass than just getting out a skillet and cooking in that. I can at least dunk the skillet in the sink while I clean it. Note that I don't have the kind with the detachable cooking surfaces, so it's quite possible that I'd love the Foreman if I could dunk those in the sink for cleaning. With a normal grill, on the other hand, it takes all of ten seconds to brush the grill part down after use, and you only have to clean out the drip tray every once in a while, plus there's no countertop splatter to worry about.

Secondly, I may be insane, but I swear I can taste the difference between things that have been cooked on an actual fire and things that have simply come into contact with heated metal.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Adam

Secondly, I may be insane, but I swear I can taste the difference between things that have been cooked on an actual fire and things that have simply come into contact with heated metal.

Well, duh! You may be insane, but that has little bearing on the fact that burning hydrocarbons will add some sort of surely carcinogenic flavors to the surface of the charred meat. If you would like to duplicate the flavor, just add:



Warren

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by Adam

I have two complaints with the Foreman:

My main beef is that the cooking surfaces get all nasty and greasy if you don't do a very thorough job of scrubbing them down after every use, and they're not the most convenient things in the world to scrub, being attached, as they are, to the rest of the grill.

That's a fair point. A few paper towels and a quick wipedown while the spooge is still warm is one easy solution. Pesci pops the whole shebang in the sink.

Secondly, I may be insane, but I swear I can taste the difference between things that have been cooked on an actual fire and things that have simply come into contact with heated metal.

Not even remotely insane. If that fire thing is key in the things you BBQ, then it's either liquid smoke like Warren says, or propane/charcoal grill. Most of the things I make in the GF don't have a need for fire taste: melty sammiches, chicken breasts, sausages.

[pescifish]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

Pesci pops the whole shebang in the sink.

Wheeew! Thanks, livius! I thought maybe I was going to have to get out my tags and restate my radical cleaning methods.

For the record, I would like to point out that I don't actually submerge the unit in a vat of standing water, still plugged into the outlet while decked out in my favorite tin foil hat, gloves and slippers. By golly, that would be shear madness!

But for those not electrically squeamish, I have found that getting the insides wet and letting them dry out between uses has never been a problem for me.

* pescifish is livin\' on the edge, yup, on the veritable edge!

[PastorFreud]

There are many different kinds of electric grills, but I have found some that work nearly as good as propane and are not difficult to clean. You have to shop around. One of my faves has a little ceramic heating thingy (if the technical language is too precise, just look it up) that you can put a drop or two of flavoring on and it makes it all nice and smokey.

[Ronin]

Adam:

If you must continue your gaseous ways (personally, I prefer charcoal)...get thee a Weber Baby Q.

Yes, you can rename it anything you like.

[pescifish]

Hey, that grill looks great, Ronin. The regular sized Weber Q ain't such a bad idea, either. I wonder if they are able to get hot enough. I like a smaller grill, but they never seem to get as hot as I'd like to quick-sear things.

[PastorFreud]

That little Weber Baby is cute and it says the cylinder is 14.01 ounces. At least it would be easier to bring inside and hide.

[livius drusus]

Another vote for the Baby Weber. I think it's adorable.

[Dingfod]

Weber, I have one, but it is the mid-sized charcoal model. However, having lived in Utah, it does raise a question that first came to mind because of the way they pronounce Weber, as in Weber State University. When I installed a 40mm Weber carburetor on my 1974 German Ford-built Mercury Capri 2000, I pronounced it Webb-er and everyone else I knew that was into cars also pronounced it that way. In Utah, it's another way, wee-ber, with a long e. So, which is it?

From wikipedia:

Note that in Utah, places named "Weber" are pronounced with a long 'e', like "wEEber".

Does that mean, in places other than Utah, it is pronounced webb-er? I just gotta know the answer to this perplexing earth-shattering question.


Warren

[godfry n. glad]

Originally Posted by warrenly

Weber, I have one, but it is the mid-sized charcoal model. However, having lived in Utah, it does raise a question that first came to mind because of the way they pronounce Weber, as in Weber State University. When I installed a 40mm Weber carburetor on my 1974 German Ford-built Mercury Capri 2000, I pronounced it Webb-er and everyone else I knew that was into cars also pronounced it that way. In Utah, it's another way, wee-ber, with a long e. So, which is it?

From wikipedia:
Does that mean, in places other than Utah, it is pronounced webb-er? I just gotta know the answer to this perplexing earth-shattering question.


Warren

Hmmm.... Isn't it "VAY-ber", as in Max Weber?

godfry