The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

[Caligulette]

at Little Herman...

There's something happening here.
What it is ain't exactly clear.
There's a guy with a Germanic accent
Telling me I got to find this amusing.

A person on the internet attempted to re-write a long-ago popular song to express his lack of appreciation for the thread in which it was posted.

His meter was tortured. Which turned out to be something of a foreshadowing of his own fate.


(Or is that too Swedish?)

[lisarea]

43.* Gunter posted some commentary to a social news aggregation site in which he enumerated the costs of the components of his favorite type of home-made sandwich. The main body of the comment described his rationale, and the sandwich accounting was intended as a footnote.

However, while Gunter included an asterisk in the body of the text to indicate that a footnote was forthcoming, he neglected to precede the footnote text with an accompanying asterisk.

When another internet commentor pointed out Gunter's error, Gunter responded that the error was, in fact, fortunate, as the formatting code of this particular internet forum italicized text that fell between two asterisks.

* 44. This joke is based on a true, witnessed event; thus providing the opportunity to include this humorous self-referential footnote. Fortunately, the formatting code on the site in which this is recounted faithfully reproduces typed asterisks, rather than italicizing the intervening text!

[lisarea]

45.
Internet user: I do not understand what is humorous about your jokes.
Grethel: Perhaps you are unaware, then, that I sport a turtlenecked sweater as I submit jokes to this forum.
Internet user: I see.
Grethel: Three short laughs will be issued.
Internet user: Ha! Ha! Ha!

[GodPossessed]

46. Young Adolph was perplexed about a puzzling occurrence. Everywhere that he drove his automobile, people would glance at him and then look away. On Adolph's 21st birthday his father confessed to having mounted one tire on Adolph's car that was of a different tread pattern.

[oblomov]

an FF member was afraid that his favourite humorous thread would sink into obscurity, but could not think of an appropriate contribution. failure is a bitter thing, he realised.
a pile of men's shirts waited to be pressed.

Not funny. Seriously, dude. I can't believe you posted that. You make me sick.

[But]

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

[lisarea]

49. An internet commentator, attempting to catalog and record a series of jokes and humorous tales, had frequent difficulty distinguishing between submissions intended as jokes, and those that were simply tangential discussions; as other contributors frequently failed to number their submissions.

In response to this phenomenon, she displayed a small pictograph indicating displeasure with this phenomenon.

[Caligulette]

50. An internet posteress, cowed by the recognition of herself in the words made of pixels on the screen, attempted to capitalise the numbers on her submission. It was not successful.

She decided to resist the temptation to make a double entendre about the word "submission", since "entendre" is a French word and she was in enough trouble as it was.

[lisarea]

51. Gustav attempted to explain to his pet dog, also named Gustav, why his excessive barking was inappropriate.

The dog did not have the capacity to understand such complicated language, however, and continued barking.

[Caligulette]

52. A small woman was killed in a scooter accident on the way to work one morning. She had packed a lunch.

[oblomov]

53. it was later discovered that that woman had neglected to wear clean underpants.

[lisarea]

54. A gentleman of Italian extraction expressed displeasure with a nearby luxury automobile dealership's business practices and poor community stewardship by announcing his intent to boycott said business.

The gentleman in question, however, was of little means, and no doubt would not have been able to afford the business's wares regardless of his opinions of the business.

55. A woman by the name of Hester, who suffered from poor circulation and frequent bouts of the chills, was known to don outerwear belonging to her housemates without obtaining their approval in advance.

[Dingfod]

56. An American male from the middle of America thought himself German enough to understand German jokes.

[Caligulette]

57.A small boy attempted to sleep while the neighbour children ran wild outside his window. "This is not perfect for my nap," ha said to his mother. They looked at the window with growing ire but said nothing to the neighbours.

[lisarea]

58. After having played several musical selections, the host of a radio program made several comparisons between the featured musical acts, and other, presumably better known acts. Wistar, however, did not recognize the names of the musical acts cited, prompting her realization that she was not a member of the radio program's targeted demographic.

She had listened to the program in question for a period in excess of one quarter of an hour prior to this realization.

59. During a sudden rainstorm, Orman inadvertently activated the turn signal mechanism in the automobile he had rented for his vacation trip, rather than activating the windshield wipers as he had intended.

Glancing about furtively in an attempt to determine whether others had witnessed this, Orman deactivated the signal, and did not, in fact, complete the signaled turn.

60. A small child with little knowledge of animal species observed a herd of large cows, and pointed excitedly out of the window of his or her parents' passenger vehicle, exclaiming loudly, "LOOK! DOGS!"

[Caligulette]

61. A woman was without internet access at her new apartment pending an accounting of her economic situation. She was saddened to see that the thread filled with jokes at which she had been tittering at from memory of more-connected, though perhaps not happier, days had sunk so far into the past that she had to get special permission to post in it again.

[lisarea]

62. A woman by the name of Agathe received a telephone call on behalf of an organization with which she was involved somewhat peripherally. The gentleman initiating the call, however, spoke with a thick regional accent, which made it difficult for Agathe to understand what he was saying.

In her haste to end the conversation and resume normal activities, Agathe feigned understanding, and made several noncommital and nonspecific utterances in order to cause the gentleman to believe that she understood what he was saying to her.

After approximately twenty seconds of conversation, the gentleman bid goodbye and the call ended thus, without further incident.

More than one week later, Agathe's Caller Identification device displayed the gentleman's identifying information associated with yet another incoming call. She did not, however, answer the telephone for this second call; opting instead to allow the accented gentleman to leave a recorded message.

[lisarea]

63. A young man named Konrad, being of little means, sparsely furnished his apartment in advance of a planned visit from his mother.

Upon her arrival, Konrad's mother, Frau Verbeck, noted that the chairs young Konrad had purchased were designed for use in outdoor settings.

Furthermore, the simulated wood grain texture on the injection molded plastic was unconvincing.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

Dear FFers,

Günther. Not Gunter.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Cynical-Chick

Dear FFers,

Günther. Not Gunter.

Oh, really?

[Watser?]

Or even Günter.

[Sock Puppet]

64. Gunter had an unhappy childhood, being incessantly mocked from a very early age for the lack of an 'h' or umläute in his name. When he grew up, he became an extremely shrewd linguist.

65. A pre-eminent gentleman had an unusual growth on his nose, which could only be detected by others with careful inspection. His friends and neighbours remained silent.