So they have a candy dish at work, and I pick out the Laffy Taffys (except the banana ones, because ew). I torment my child by texting her the worst of the jokes.
What kind of doctor can work in an auto body shop?
A dent-ist.
Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant?
She wanted a whittle baby.
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"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
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"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F***ing snow plow.
Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway.a**hole.
Dec. 25 - Merry F***ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plow, I swear I'll kill a**hole. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f***ing ice.
Dec. 27 - More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the sh*t again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That f***ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plow got stuck up in the road and that ****** came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the sh*t he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f***ing head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f***ing beasts should be killed. The ******* are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that f***ing salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
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Peering from the top of Mount Stupid
Boris Johnson is visiting a hospital in Scotland. A doctor takes him into a ward full of patients with no obvious symptoms.
Suddenly the patients all sit up, and recite in unison:
Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"
Stunned, Boris asks the doctor, "Are these coronavirus patients?"
"No", replies the doctor, "This is the Serious Burns unit."
If you don't get it, explaining won't make it funny, but
"i need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs." I said "Okay, but don't go in that field over there..."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?... Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs... "Your badge, show him your fucking badge!!"
A man working shit loads of overtime is rushing home to be with his family, before missing out on catching dinner and putting his kids to bed.
He is going at least 20 over, and of course, saw in his rear view the dreaded red and blues.
The cop approaches, and the man rolls his window down.
"Good afternoon, officer."
"Sir, do you realize how fast you were going?" The officer asks.
"Well, I do, sir, and I'm very sorry. Ive been working 70+ hours a week, we're very busy at work and I need to make money for my family, which I'm sure you understand." The man says.
"Well, what kind of job requires 70+ hours a week of work to make a living?!"
"Well," the guy says, "im a rectum stretcher..."
The cop replies, "a rectum stretcher? What the fuck is that?"
The man explains, "well, sir, i work on the line. A conveyor belt brings little tiny rectums down the line. And the line guys, like me, pick up the rectums, wriggle our finger into it, then gets a second finger in it. We do this until we've got our whole hand inside, then the next hand, and we basically do this until we can get our arms in to it..."
The cop is shocked, and listens intently
"...once our arms are into it, we stretch it out to about 6 feet!"
The cop exclaims, "woah, what the fuck do you do with a 6' asshole?!"
To which the man replies: "give it a radar gun and stick it in a cop car."
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Re: Somebody Tell A Joke
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Linear Mode
