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  #126  
Old 02-06-2011, 11:15 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

89. Brunhilde, an American internet expert living in Unterammergau, got into a fight with his wife Bernwart over the name of their soon-to-be-born gender-neutral child. Bernwart wanted to name him or her Hansel Gretel, but Brunhilde decided that was too heteronormative and named it Glomp. They both were arrested by the police.
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  #127  
Old 02-06-2011, 11:37 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

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  #128  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:07 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

90. Gradually awakening from a heavily drugged sleep, Fonzo discovered Eldwin affixing a device to his forearms.

"Eldwin," Fonzo inquired, "what is this device you affix to my forearms?"

Eldwin replied, "This, Fonzo, is an Off-Topic Keyboard, designed in the style of the Shame Flute device, which was forcibly attached to the necks of unskilled musicians, as a means to punish those who did not conform to accepted social standards. You will wear this device for a set period of time based on the number of posts you have made to the internet that did not comply with the stated rules for discussion."

"Oh," replied Fonzo, "I understand."
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  #129  
Old 02-10-2011, 02:04 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

91
Hans bought himself a new caravan and invited his friend Gunther to accompany him on his first weekend camping trip with the new trailer. Guther agreed that this sounded like it would be fun. While driving to the campground where they intended to spend the weekend the road passed under an overpass. On the overpass was a sign advising that no vehicles over 2.5 meters high were allowed to drive under this overpass. Hans expressed his concern about his possessing the skill to back up with the caravan and wondered what he ought to do. Gunther looked in all directions and then told Hans to go ahead and drive under the overpass, as there were no policemen in sight. Hans agreed that this was the best solution to the problem.
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  #130  
Old 02-10-2011, 03:07 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

92
The milkman would come to undisturbed Nikolav's door 365 days a year, but he never left any milk bottles of milk behind. One day, however, he would leave a cow for free, ring the doorbell, and run away. Nikolav greeted the cow and name him Milkman after the milkman. Nikolav was very allergic to milk. but milkman had never told him. Milkman was milked by the milkman to make milk for Nikolav at his door for the next 365 days a year. Mikolav was Nikolav's disturbed sister, who took a great offense to the incident, and never greeted milkman again, blaming it all on the Milkman, for the milkman's Milkman's milk being milkish. When a complaint was filed to the Milk Bureau of Milk investigation by Nikolav against the Milkman, the milk people at the Milk Bureau of Milk investigation said that there was nothing that could be done about Milkman's milk, but milkman was another story. Because Milkman's milk would always be milkish milk, whether you like to drink it or not, but milkman's milk could occassionally lose it's milkish quality and go sour. Nikolav explained the milkman's sour milk wasn't the problem, it was Milkman's milkish milk, there is a distinct difference. Nikolav wanted to point out to them that they were the one's that said Milkman's milk would always be milkish whether he milked him or not, but before he could finish Mikolav said Nikolav is not supposed to have any sort of milk from milkman or Milkman or the milkman's milkman or even the milkman's mailman, that milk was off the table. Mikolav stormed out of the Milk Bureau of Milk investigation in a huff and Nikolav followed quietly behind, with his head hung low, crying over the milk he had spilt.
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  #131  
Old 02-10-2011, 03:28 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

93. Didrika noticed Meinrad staring at the Butterkäse of Lenva.

"Why do you gaze upon this loaf shaped dairy product made from pasteurized cow's milk with golden natural rind, Meinrad?" Didrika asked without very much insolence.

Meinrad sighed, "I am tired of poking it."
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  #132  
Old 02-11-2011, 04:58 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gonzo View Post
92
Nikolav wanted to point out to them that they were the one's that said Milkman's milk would always be milkish whether he milked him or not,
If Milkman is a he, then Milkman's milk would be decidedly unmilkish, always.
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  #133  
Old 02-14-2011, 03:42 AM
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  #134  
Old 02-14-2011, 05:21 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

94. An American gentleman, communicating via the internet under a pseudonymous name, embedded a link to a short video purporting to be narrated by ex-German director Werner Herzog, when in fact the narrator sounded only remotely similar to Werner Herzog.

Notably, several members of the same internet forum had, in a previous discussion, advanced the notion that Herzog was as easily interchangeable with other German directors such as Fassbinder as uvular trills are with alveolar.

Helga struggled to maintain her composure.
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  #135  
Old 04-01-2011, 01:53 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

95. Kaspar traveled to Essen to see his old friend Poldi, a penniless artist. Kaspar arrived at the address he had been given, to behold a chateau of immense proportions, with his friend's name on the brass plate by the gate. Buzzed in, a butler escorted him into a lovely garden, where Poldi sat next to a pool, surrounded by beautiful women.

Poldi himself also looked remarkably different- his head was twice as big as a normal person's, round like a beach ball, and bright orange!

"Poldi!" exclaimed Kaspar. "What has happened! How can you be living in a manor house like a reicher Mann, surrounded by bevies of schöne Mädchen, and what has happened to your kopf?"

"Kaspar, my old friend!" replied Poldi, embracing Kaspar awkwardly. "Come inside, and allow me to explain!" He led Kaspar into his drawing room, then seated himself on an ornate, gilded chair, with a specially crafted neck and head brace.

"Kaspar, you will never believe my luck," Poldi said. I was walking along the Ruhr, when I noticed an ancient, corroded lamp, half-buried in the mud. I pulled it out, cleaned it up, and it turned out to be the fabled Lamp of Aladdin! So I wished for immense wealth, and I wished that beautiful women would be very attracted to me, and here I am!"

"Poldi, that is an amazing story- but you did not explain why your head is massive, round, and orange," Kaspar ejaculated. "And that is what I really must know!"

Poldi laughed. "Oh, I forgot! That is because I also wished for a huge orange head!"

Kaspar reluctantly admitted that neatly explained the changes in Poldi's life, and took the train late in the day back to Osnabrück.
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  #136  
Old 04-15-2011, 08:48 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

96. Gunther walks into a bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

Later that night, he goes home alone and reflects on the poor decisions he's made in life.
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  #137  
Old 04-15-2011, 08:53 PM
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97. Albrecht goes to his doctor. The doctor tells him he's dying. Albrecht replies, "I want a second opinion." The doctor gives him the name and number of a specialist in the type of cancer with which the man has been diagnosed.
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  #138  
Old 04-15-2011, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

98. Why did the chicken cross the road?

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  #139  
Old 04-15-2011, 08:55 PM
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99. How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder, and the other to turn the light bulb in a clockwise fashion until it is secured in the socket.
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  #140  
Old 04-15-2011, 08:56 PM
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100. Take my wife, please, as I can no longer afford to pay for a nurse to come and care for her on a daily basis.
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  #141  
Old 04-15-2011, 09:04 PM
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101.

Uwe was driving down a country road at night when his car got a flat tyre. Unfortunately, he had neglected to repair the spare tyre which was also flat.

He stopped at a local farmhouse and asked the owner if he could stay there for the night.

"Certainly," said the farmer. "As long as you don't touch my three beautiful daughters."

Uwe did as he was told, because frankly, he didn't find the girls nearly as attractive as their father seemed to think they were.
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  #142  
Old 04-15-2011, 09:07 PM
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102. Dieter and Claudia are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. Dieter rubs the lamp; however, nothing happens. Afterwards, he feels a bit foolish.
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  #143  
Old 04-16-2011, 04:23 AM
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103. A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman walk into a bar. They all three order drinks and pay the bartender as is customary.
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:55 AM
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104. Elgar told his friends Welda and Adlar a joke about the French. His friends explained to him that his joke was inappropriate, but admitted that they were secretly amused. In actuality, they were not.
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  #145  
Old 04-16-2011, 07:33 AM
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For reasons too tedious to recount, I remembered today about some pretty good jokes I used to write for Germans. I could only remember two of them, but then I made up a bunch of new ones today. So two of these you may have already seen me tell, but the rest are fresh material.

Please add your own until there are 1001 of them.

1. Two peanuts were out taking their daily constitutional one day. Although they were peanuts, they were sapient and anthropomorphic, so they discussed the events of the day with each other at some length. One of the peanuts was a shelled, unsalted, roasted peanut; and the other fellated me at my request!

2. Young Hans, a simpleton, visited a town nearby his home at the behest of his mother, an elderly widow. The reason for his visit that day was that the town functioned as a center of commerce for nearby residents, and Hans' mother had requested that Hans make purchase of a large sack of corn flour for baking.

When Hans returned from the village, however, his mother discovered to her consternation that he had made purchase not of a sack of flour, but of a wiry gander! "Hans," she said, "your actions today were foolish!"

3. On a visit with Frau Schmidt, Frau Diefendorf caught a glimpse of some unusually large men's shoes in the Schmidts' entryway. "Frau Schmidt," she remarked, "such large shoes. You know what they say about men with large feet!"

"No," replied Frau Diefendorf, "I do not. What do they say about men with large feet?"

Frau Schmidt blushed and responded, "They say that men who have large feet also have large penises. I am sorry for speaking inappropriately."

"Oh, no. It is true. Herr Diefendorf does have an unusually large penis," then, trying to lighten the mood to put Frau Schmidt at ease, she said, "I have noticed that Herr Schmidt has quite dainty feet, so perhaps the converse applies as well!"

"Yes," said Frau Schmidt, looking at the floor. "I believe he does. I apologize for broaching this topic."

4. A man whose name I cannot recall entered a shop in a small but well-travelled village. The shopkeeper, alerted by the bell he'd attached to the door for those purposes, emerged from the back of the shop presently.

The first gentleman inquired of the shopkeeper about some specific product that the shopkeeper was unfamiliar with. Somewhat ashamed of his ignorance and hoping not to lose face with the stranger, the shopkeeper answered the query with an irrelevant and unintentionally comical answer that assumed that the dry good the man asked for was in fact a foodstuff!

5. An American gentleman named Steve was working for a German man named Eldon. Although Eldon is not a traditionally German name, his parents had named him this nonetheless. One day, Steve made a comment in passing that Eldon misconstrued, so Eldon responded angrily, confusing Steve and making him feel unsure about his grasp of the German language and culture.

Later that day, Eldon was violently attacked by a third party, sustaining injuries that did not completely heal until six weeks had passed.

6. Attempting to submit a simple query of the records contained in his employer's database, young computer professional Werner inadvertently use the Boolean 'or' operand in place of the intended 'and.' The records returned for this query were far more numerous than Werner had intended, making the results of the query unsuitable for Werner's needs, and causing his company's mainframe computer to slow perceptibly.

7. A young man named Florian had become enamored of a young unmarried woman of his acquaintance, and thus hoped to attract her attentions.

To this end, one day, Florian visited some friends to discuss some mild trickery he had planned that he hoped would cause the young lady to see him as an object of affection.

Unbeknownst to Florian, however, the young woman in question was also visiting with Florian's friends that day; and overheard his plans to deceive her.

The young lady's knowledge of Florian's intentions allowed her to gain something of a socially dominant position over Florian, and eventually caused him to experience some humiliation in a public forum!

8. Hoping to gain some personal status in his community, a young man named Ulrich acquired a pedigreed dog at great cost.

However, when Ulrich invited some prominent local residents to his home to visit, the dog proceeded to lick its genitals noisily, and in full view of the guests!
Stolen.
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Old 04-19-2011, 05:59 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

105. An American student was temporarily living in a part of the EU which has particularly draconian laws pertaining to cannabis. Wishing to avoid trouble with the law, he was usually extremely discrete whenever he was high. However, one evening after smoking up, he became overwhelmed with hunger and decided to go get a Doner Kabob. Upon hearing the student's order, the Turk working in the shop laughed and said to the cook, "Das Herm hat Hashish gerochen!"

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Old 05-04-2011, 11:15 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

106. Hans decided to visit a friend of his. He made the short journey to his friend's house and knocked on the door. His friend, being the prudent sort, inquired who it could be knocking on his door. Hans stated his first name. Unbeknownst to Hans, his friend had many other friends and colleagues named Hans. This prompted his friend to inquire further by which Hans he was being visited. Hans stated his full name then. In response his friend opened the door and they had a cordial visit.
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  #148  
Old 05-04-2011, 11:44 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

107. Ludwig Mueller, a child aged approximately four years, telephoned his mother at her place of employment. On answering the telephone, Ludwig's mother issued her standard telephone greeting and identified herself by name, to which Ludwig responded, "Hello, Mother. This is your son, Ludwig Mueller," to which the mother responded, "You are my only child, Ludwig. As such, it was unnecessary to further identify yourself after addressing me as 'Mother.'"*

* based on a true story.
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  #149  
Old 05-05-2011, 09:35 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

108. "What is the difference between a crocodile and a pair of scissors?" asked Bärbel. Without looking up, Volker said: "What is it?" "Nothing at all," replied Bärbel, "except one is a bit more so than the other." Volker laughed because it complemented the bit by Heidegger he was just reading perfectly: "Das Dasein ist ein Seiendes, das nicht nur unter anderem Seienden vorkommt. Es ist vielmehr dadurch ontisch ausgezeichnet, daß es diesem Seienden in seinem Sein um dieses Sein selbst geht. [...] Das Sein dieses Seienden ist je meines. Im Sein dieses Seienden verhält sich dieses selbst zu seinem Sein. Als Seiendes dieses Seins ist es seinem eigenen Sein überantwortet. Das Sein ist es, darum es diesem Seienden je selbst geht."
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  #150  
Old 06-08-2011, 04:22 AM
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