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  #176  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:43 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

126. Helmar, known as the second-most foolish man in Saarland, observes a flyer on the bulletin board at the post office. It reads, "Three Day River Cruise- five Euro only". Helmar promptly goes to the address on the flyer, a small office on the banks of the river Bist, and pays the clerk behind a desk his five Euro. The clerk gestures to a burly man reading a thick book, who gets up and wallops Helmar across the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.

Helmar awakens some time later, tied to a log, floating down what he presumes to be the Bist. looking to his left, he sees Gervis- acknowledged by all to be the most foolish man in Saarland, and possibly also Rhineland-Palatinate- tied to another log, also with a bump on his head.

"Gervis," says Helmar, "Do you believe they will serve decent meals on this cruise?"

Gervis turned his head towards Helmar and replies, "I regret to inform you that last year, when I took this same cruise, no foods were served."
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  #177  
Old 05-20-2013, 04:48 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I did not know that Hansel and Grettel was a German comedy. But now I know why I chuckle when they stuff the old lady in the oven and rob her after vandalizing her house.
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  #178  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:05 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

127. Bertram had a great deal of difficulty operating his cellular telephone, and frequently became angry and frustrated as a result.

128. Astrid failed to properly format a corporate memo according to the style guide that she herself had authored.
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  #179  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:50 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

129. Ludwig spent all the day cutting the wood for the winter heating. After that, he stacked the wood beside the house. One of the pieces was stuck out from the pile, more then 15 cm! When his wife Petra saw it, she said he should make it all stacked again. Ludwig said to her, she should first burn all of the wood, and after he would start it all over again!
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  #180  
Old 05-21-2013, 02:06 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Germans are nothing if not logical.
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  #181  
Old 07-25-2013, 02:24 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans


Yes, there really is a funny joke for English-speaking Germans in this educational video about Owls.

:orly:

:yarly:
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  #182  
Old 07-25-2013, 03:08 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Damn you, Bort.

Now I have to watch all his videos.
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  #183  
Old 07-26-2013, 06:56 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

131. Carolin says to waiter Gerd, "The coffee is so cold!" Gerd replies, "Thank you for telling me. Iced coffee cost more."

132. (via Google Translate of actual joke in German): Teacher to student: ''For this insolence you write one hundred times, 'I am a lazy guy' and then it can be signed by your father!''
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  #184  
Old 07-26-2013, 08:01 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

133. (inspired by this news story) Gitte Belhasen-Bieber is worried that her husband Justus is so obsessed with a teen pop star with a name similar to his that he will want to move to America. Gitte doesn't want to move to America because her electrical appliances will not work there not because she doesn't like the young man's music.
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  #185  
Old 07-26-2013, 09:23 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

134. An unnamed German student abroad in America noted that "the milkman, paperboy, and evening TV" had all maintained a consistent presence in American culture, despite clear implications to the contrary in the theme song for the television situation comedy "Full House." She pursed her lips in disapproval, careful not to be observed by her host family.
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  #186  
Old 07-27-2013, 05:44 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dingfod View Post
133. (inspired by this news story) Gitte Belhasen-Bieber is worried that her husband Justus is so obsessed with a teen pop star with a name similar to his that he will want to move to America. Gitte doesn't want to move to America because her electrical appliances will not work there not because she doesn't like the young man's music.
135. A nerd informs both of them in this post that all they have to do is use an Inchworm Imperial Foot NTSC teletube adapter to convert the awful music to a compatible format so they can masturbate happily ever after (every afternoon).
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  #187  
Old 07-28-2013, 07:13 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

136. In principle, they deserve to be killed by their electrical appliances for listening to Scheißmusik (shit music), but if the husband wants to move to America to Chuck the Beaver, so be it. I don't care because I have just written down a Witz that only I can understand. This thread is your Thread, this Thread is My Thread: Left, Right, Up, Down, Laugh, Laugh, FATALITY
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  #188  
Old 07-28-2013, 07:35 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

137. A dull, aged American pointed out to the inscrutable Heinrich that it is unnecessary for him to indicate when he has written something others cannot understand, as nearly everything he writes is cryptic and requires extensive background knowledge that few possess.
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  #189  
Old 07-28-2013, 08:17 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Let's try it with music. I hope we can all agree that Justin Bieber's music is intolerable.

138.
(This is a multilingual song made from 100% Insult. It is called "H2O2 on his Hair". It is on topic, the topic is the guy who fell in love with Justin Bieber. E-A-Dm and some chords. Guitar)

Dear Fräulein Nolan prostitute from tabloid
"Titpage 3",
The midlife Krisis
That you describe
Is very real in deed. In words
It is a Mid-Life Katastro Phe
Because the queer dude on the Schwulenstage
Has:

Hydrogen Peroxide on his Hair (and balls)
He looks like shit, he sings like shit, I hope he gets a
Genital Disease, eine Geschlechts-Krankheit
like Syphilease, oh Bitte Bitte Bitte Please..

Because your grown-up son of 21 is more important than this piece of
Arsch from planet Gay (oy vey..)
Sein rubber spacesuit mit den Noppen
Ist nur gut um drauf zu Kloppen
Homosexuality is not a Krankheit, ist kein Disease
But Justin Bieber's Musik Is.

I'm sure he has some painful memories (I know..)
His parents urinated on his head and damaged all his brain.
The horror.. the horror.. the pain..

(Arpeggio.)
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  #190  
Old 07-28-2013, 09:04 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

139. Helga was confounded when Gorge tried to relate the difference between a woman with flaxen coloured hair and a Boeing 777 Dreamliner. She has seen the blueprints of the Boeing airplane and was confident there were far more disparities than the ribald and disgusting ones Gorge intimated. She resolves to disregard Gorge's point of view for the foreseeable future.
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  #191  
Old 07-30-2013, 03:57 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

140.

Scheherazade used prime-number arithmetic to avoid being killed by an old pervert in his pornographic tent. The result was an awful book and the title of this thread. It also inspired ein Herr Buckminster Fuller to write a lot of stuff about math. Ein Mrs. Pea sent me a copy of another text by this RBF. Der German Friedrich (who is writing a text now) scribbled the following words on His shirt on the back cover: Messiah, Mastermind, Jupiter, RB Fuller. Pages 316/317 now read: This is Bucky, I'm back.

Not coincidentally, under the blue ink that reads "Bucky", there is the sentence: "The comprehensive realizer will discover that his adequacy as rearranger of local universe, in, principle, will, if competently effected, be acquired by men as an obvious accretion, and that the more competent his realizing-rearrangements of design, the less grateful the beneficiaries, which will be precisely the objective of the comprehensive-realizer.

Last edited by But; 07-30-2013 at 04:11 PM. Reason: Addendum
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  #192  
Old 07-30-2013, 04:43 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

:lol:
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  #193  
Old 07-31-2013, 04:36 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I think that this thread should probably be turned over to But as his personal preserve. It is like he just is the embodiment of all jokes for English-speaking Germans.
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Last edited by Angakuk; 07-31-2013 at 04:49 AM.
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  #194  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:20 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

This is no joke, I repeat: No Joke! This means, logically speaking, that I am posting off topic. Shit.
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  #195  
Old 08-03-2013, 12:15 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

141.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angakuk View Post
I think that this thread should probably be turned over to But as his personal preserve. It is like he just is the embodiment of all jokes for English-speaking Germans.
Ich kann schon ein bißchen Biblische Sprache.
I can already some Biblical language.
This is ein Stein von Rosetta.
This is a Stein from the Oktoberfest, where there are mainly Kraut mit Wurst.
You can use this in your usual sermon, which is intolerable. <- Das war ein Insult(this was an insult).
Dixit Algoritmi (Es sprach al-Khwarizmi):
Friday is a holy day
and Schabbes ist der Saturday
Saturn is planet No. X
Jesus Christ.

Last edited by But; 08-03-2013 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Forgot a number
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  #196  
Old 08-03-2013, 08:05 PM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Animaniacs - Schnitzelbank - YouTube
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  #197  
Old 08-23-2013, 09:04 PM
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143.

Joke 140 is missing two characters. One of them is a """ and the other one a "-".

Also, in the FF newspaper "Lifestyle", which is mainly about chickens, one joker tells another joker that he posted the same joke earlier to remind him that his name is mickthinks.
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  #198  
Old 08-24-2013, 12:34 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

I [thanks]sed it for the 'which is mainly about chickens'.

I am in a mood for specifying [thank]ses.
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  #199  
Old 08-24-2013, 01:49 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

That alone is worth the special [thanks] above, which has been withdrawn several times to crash the server, which didn't work or else I could not have posted this message.
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Old 08-24-2013, 02:10 AM
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Default Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

Quote:
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143.Joke 140 is missing two characters. One of them is a """ and the other one a "-".
Indeed. This greatly miniaturized my enjoyment of the joke. At this time it stands as diminished among all the jokes posted thus far for this neglectful inaccuracy.
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