The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

[lisarea]

147. Hortense pointedly updated the numbering.

[But]

148. Ein European insider joke. Americans don't laugh. This was a real incident, but an internal European incident.

Stormlight, defender of the luxurious imperial crown, didn't notice ein German convoy of weapons whose Nummernshields shall not be named rolling through his home country. The destination was a secret training facility in Vlaams Belgium. Friedrich pissed on the gas station and stole the cigarettes, the other Wolfgang filled the car with high-octane explosive petroleum. It kost very few Euros. Someone sat in the driver's seat and turned the key. The car exploded.

Then the car exploded again. And again. The motor was working again. So weit, so gut. Onwards, because the gas station was full of angry people horning their honks.

Three weeks later, the team of professional killers visited Maastricht to buy some legal mushrooms and some legal hashish and more legal Hanf (cannabis ouchiepot cannabis oyveyis cannabis ohjaja cannabis), left the weapons at the airport, which looked like Houston (we have a problem, there is no toilet??)

An ironical incident followed: One vehicle, filled to the brim with absolutely legal, really lethal weapons with carefully hidden almost-legal medicine was stopped by bored and lightly armed German border guards (douane) and searched.

Nothing was found. (??????)

Moral of the story: If you break all imaginable laws concerning drugs, weapons, money, etc., remember one thing:

Don't have a nunchaku in your car when you pass a ton of gas (???)

[But]

149.

1st things 1st: Haha.

In 1992, a beer company tasted like shit. That's why they invented a commercial. It tells everyone who washes their autos and likes to fly helicopters, watches football in the bathroom or whatever to sail away, become an alcoholic and get liver disease. They employed special psychological manipulation techniques invented by Joseph Goebbels that work. An elderly gentleman that had been abducted from his home mumbles something into his telephone to call the search-and-rescue helicopter and they give him more alcohol and then kill him. The purpose is clear: They always want to sell more of their deadly drugs. What a sick joke. Beck's. Drink the poison that kills you.

[But]

150.

There is a commercial for a German automobile manufactured by Rheinmetall, Krauss, Maffei, Wegmann and equipped with a radio. It is small, fast, light, has rubber on the wheelchain that protects the road as the automobile drives over it and more. It has enough room inside for a small family, theft-protection equipment manufactured by Dynamit Nobel and the person who invented the design deserves the corresponding Peace Prize.

Greatest Ever Tanks Leopard 2 - YouTube

[ShottleBop]

How German Sounds Compared To Other Languages -...

[But]

Originally Posted by ShottleBop

Bla bla bla

That is insulting and not funny. I will complain about this insult to the German Ministry of Defense and Language Integrity. Here:

Danone FruchtZwerge – Kleiner Quark Knochenstark! Mit Vitamin D + Calcium und leckeren Früchten.

show spoiler

[Pan Narrans]

Is that like a Kindervergnügungstraktation mit Holzhandgriff?

[Stormlight]

[Watser?]

You're a Fruit Dwarf!

[Dingfod]

151. Alwin and Utz walk into a bar. Alwin has a sudden memory of a loss he had long-forgotten. He doubles over in pain, then collapses to the floor, staring up at the other, searching for compassion and understanding. Utz does nothing. They aren't that close.

[Kyuss Apollo]

152. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

[Watser?]

[Kyuss Apollo]

153. Proudhon and Marx walk into a bar. Proudhon has a sudden memory of a loss he had long-forgotten. He doubles over in pain, then collapses to the floor, staring up at the other, searching for compassion and understanding. Marx does nothing. They aren't that close.

[Dingfod]

154. Anya could not find her most recent monthly statement for household furnishings insurance, she had mistakenly placed it in her life insurance folder, which was behind her automobile insurance folder in the file cabinet, but not completely in alphabetical order as it should have been.


How to be German in 25 easy lessons.

[Dingfod]

155. A horse walked into a bar. Several patrons got up and left, recognizing the potential dangers. Erich stayed to finish his beer, he had paid in advance.

[lisarea]

156. Johannes failed to employ the optimal stopping strategy when choosing a mate. This unfortunate decision resulted in a great deal of unnecessary social activities.

[Angakuk]

What is the "optimal stopping strategy"?

[ceptimus]

Originally Posted by Angakuk

What is the "optimal stopping strategy"?

Check out the first 1/e examples (just over a third of the available items). Now choose the first one you see better than those first ones you checked out. If none of them are better, then you end up choosing the very last available item.

[erimir]

That article incorrectly states

According to Martin Gardner, who in 1960 described the formula (partly worked out earlier by others), the best way to proceed is to interview (or date) the first 36.8 percent of the candidates. Don't hire (or marry) any of them, but as soon as you meet a candidate who's better than the best of that first group — that's the one you choose! Yes, the Very Best Candidate might show up in that first 36.8 percent — in which case you'll be stuck with second best, but still, if you like favorable odds, this is the best way to go.

According to the procedure, you keep going until the end. Assuming you already passed up the best candidate, then whichever candidate is the final candidate might be second best... or they might be the very worst.

It seems like there should probably a strategy that adjusts as you see more candidates. The more candidates you sample, the better idea you have of the distribution of quality in the population. You should then adjust your threshold as you get closer to the final candidate.

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Angakuk

What is the "optimal stopping strategy"?

It

doesn't always produce a happy result, but it does so more often than would occur randomly. For mathematicians, that's enough.

And they wonder why mathematics isn't generally associated with happiness.

Or

Kepler would have saved himself six bad dates.

Score!

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by erimir

It seems like there should probably a strategy that adjusts as you see more candidates. The more candidates you sample, the better idea you have of the distribution of quality in the population. You should then adjust your threshold as you get closer to the final candidate.

I'm interviewing for a minion junior at the moment so this is highly interesting. I can't really see the real-world applicability of the condition that you have a known fixed number of candidates before you starting interviewing (or dating).

Anyway, I am tempted to tell the next interviewee "You're the 36th person we've seen out of 100 - what does that tell you?"

[Hermit]

156. Stefan received an email from Traudel on the 26th of December, reminding him that this was the feast day of his saintly namesake, Stephen, the first martyr of Christendom (circa 35 AD). Traudi knew full well that his patron saint was the first Hungarian king, King Stephen, who reigned circa 1000-1038 and was sainted just five years after his death, and whose feast day falls on the 16th of August.

Stefan's mother told him when he was not even a teenager that she regarded martyrs as sad sacks, and that the reason for the king's canonisation was much funner; upon his coronation he decreed that any of his pagan subjects who refused to convert to Christianity will be put to the sword. Being German and a devout Catholic, Stefan made sure that all his friends, such as Traudel, who is also a devout catholic, knew that. So he laughed because her email message was obviously a joke, and a very good one at that.

[ceptimus]

Originally Posted by JoeP

I can't really see the real-world applicability of the condition that you have a known fixed number of candidates before you starting interviewing (or dating).

I use it when driving in an area I don't know and wanting to stop at a pub or similar to eat. I figure I want to stop somewhere say roughly an hour from now, so I look at the sorts of eating place I pass for about three quarters of an hour and then stop at the first one that looks better than the ones I've seen already. - If by bad luck I'm still searching two hours after I started looking, then I reduce my expectations and stop at the first opportunity.

It works when driving because you don't usually want to double back. But when interviewing candidates you don't usually have to reject the first ones you see right away - you can tell them you'll let them know within say the next two weeks - so that usually means that even when the first candidate you saw happens to be the best one, you can still offer her the job.

[Dingfod]

"job"

[lisarea]

157. Betlinde interrupted her friend Clotilde, who was preparing to eat a fish sandwich.

"Clotilde," Betlinde asked, "Does this type of fish not cause you to have allergic reactions?"

"Yes, Betlinde, it does," replied Clotilde.

"I do not understand why you would eat this sandwich, then."

"I suppose I could just tell you that this was all I had in my cupboard, but as you are aware, I live alone."

Both women silently pondered whether perhaps all dread was ultimately existential.