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  #276  
Old 05-03-2009, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:lol:
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  #277  
Old 05-06-2009, 01:58 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great...
Some asshole's got my pen!'
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  #278  
Old 05-06-2009, 02:20 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I had to take an IQ test.

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  #279  
Old 05-15-2009, 03:14 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada'.

POOF!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

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  #280  
Old 05-15-2009, 09:33 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
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  #281  
Old 05-15-2009, 11:24 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine..

He's such an ass . . .
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  #282  
Old 05-19-2009, 08:02 PM
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  #283  
Old 05-20-2009, 01:58 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A mathematician, a physicist, and a biologist see two people walk into an empty building. A while later they see three people walk back out. The biologist says "they must have multiplied". The physicist says "no, our initial count was likely off". The mathematician nods sagely and says "actually, if one more person walks into the building then it will be empty again".
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  #284  
Old 05-20-2009, 02:56 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

If we're going down that road...

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician working in London are invited speakers at a conference on cosmology in Edinburgh. To get into the spirit of the conference, they decide to share a compartment in the overnight train. After some lively discussions and all too little sleep, the astronomer is woken next morning by a ray of sunlight shining through a gap in the curtains. Opening the curtains, he sees that the train is standing at a small station in the countryside, and that a lone black sheep in one of the fields is keeping a curious eye on the train.

"Apparently, Scottish sheep are black," he tell his colleagues.

"Be careful now," says the physicist, "I think at best you can say that there's at least one black sheep in Scotland."

Shaking his head, the mathematician interjects, "No, that's just sloppy thinking. In Scotland, there exists a field in which there is a sheep; that sheep has at least one side that is black."
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  #285  
Old 05-20-2009, 05:33 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
and asked them to fence in the largest possible area with the least amount of
fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the
most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed “We
can assume the length is infinite…” and pointed out that fencing off half of the
Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The mathematician just laughed
at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said, “I declare myself to be
on the outside.”
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  #286  
Old 05-20-2009, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

The very same farmer wanted to increase the milk production of his cows, so he hired a biologist, a chemist and a physicist to come up with a solution. After a few weeks of research, they returned with their findings.

The biologist claimed he could increase the milk production by as much as 5% in a couple of generations, given new genetic manipulation and selective breeding techniques. The farmer wasn't much impressed.

The chemist promised an immediate increase of 10%. His report detailed a strict diet of hormones and other chemicals. "That's more like it!" exclaimed the farmer, "but let's see what your friend here has to say for himself".

With a smug grin, the physicist explained that his method could increase overall milk production by over 120%. "That's amazing! How did you manage that?" both the farmer and his colleagues wanted to know. "Well", said the physicist, "consider a spherical cow free-floating in a vacuum..."
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  #287  
Old 05-21-2009, 10:09 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A short (not fat) guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home."

He continues crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison."
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  #288  
Old 05-22-2009, 12:28 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:rofl:
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  #289  
Old 05-23-2009, 06:17 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
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  #290  
Old 05-23-2009, 09:20 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Ever wondered if the any of the money in your wallet was once stuck in the butt crack of a stripper?

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  #291  
Old 06-12-2009, 07:57 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?'

'This is Heaven.'

'Well, that's confusing, the man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
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  #292  
Old 06-13-2009, 12:09 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I remember that episode of Twilight Zone.
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  #293  
Old 06-13-2009, 12:55 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

This guy walked into a bar...





























Wait for it

















OUCH!!!


:wink:
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  #294  
Old 07-22-2009, 02:41 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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  #295  
Old 07-22-2009, 06:08 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part drill instructor, and
part stand up comic.
Here are a few of his observation on tactics, firearms, self defense
and life as we know it in the civilized world...

"The handgun would not be my choice of weapon if I knew I was going to
a fight... I'd choose a rifle, a shotgun, an RPG or an atomic bomb
instead."

"The two most important rules in a gunfight are: always cheat and
always win."

"Every time I teach a class, I discover I don't know something."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."
"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. I may get
killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with
it, cause it's going to be empty."

"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not
loadin', you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna
cut your head off and put it on a stick."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in
your back pocket. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel
or the tooth fairy... and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Nothing adds a little class to a sniper course like a babe in a
Ghilliesuit."

"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something
else becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's
ridiculous. If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be
paranoid for."

"Don't shoot fast, shoot good."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will
work but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head
is pretty much the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you
live depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet. You may be able to save yourself and
your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone
makes us go away and either way it will be exciting."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom...

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in
defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is
more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else
is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The
reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and
asked him, 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they
don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady
commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your
pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting
trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use
it!

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but
because he loves what is behind him.'
- G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon
lose both.

Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.
- Thomas Jefferson
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  #296  
Old 08-07-2009, 05:45 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Ferrari fired their pit crew last week.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Maori youths.

The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent television documentary on how Maori youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's pit crew can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari was confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.

However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during the first pit stop the Maori crew changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds - but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car over to the McLaren team for ten cases of Waikato beer, an HQ Holden and a quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.


*ducks and runs*
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  #297  
Old 08-10-2009, 04:00 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

This one's for ... well, you know who.

f(x) walks into a bar and orders a beer and a packet of crisps. The barman says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions".
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  #298  
Old 08-10-2009, 04:00 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

GROAN!
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  #299  
Old 08-11-2009, 01:37 AM
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Anastasia Beaverhausen Anastasia Beaverhausen is offline
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

:lol:
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Old 08-14-2009, 06:43 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Told by a Belgian:

Quote:
why are the french always drowning in the swimming pool?

:belgian:

From here (and there were a few I hadn't heard before)
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