As it happens, right after April left, I went downstairs to check on a different student. I happened to pass by Professor Groper's lab, and he beckoned me in.
I really didn't want to go in, but he was regaling the students with some kind of story, and he apparently wanted me to hear it too.
I should point out that though I've heard many students complain about Professor Groper's habit of telling very dirty jokes in class, commenting on female students' bodies in class, and so forth -- he doesn't seem to do that sort of thing in front of me. Perhaps he has figured out that I wouldn't approve. Or perhaps he just wants to act "professional" in front of a colleague but doesn't feel the need to do so in front of the students.
Anyway, having just spent over an hour listening to April tell me how he's constantly commenting on students' bodies, asking them for sexually-explicit pictures, etc., I was not wanting to see Professor Groper.
But I could scarcely refuse to go in and see what he wanted. He was telling a story, and [jokingly, I think] calling one of the [male] students an "asshole." But at least he was on relatively good behavior.
When I walked in, Jennifer was sitting in the front row. Interestingly, she put her hand up to shield her face while I was there, like she didn't want me to see her. (Of course, she couldn't possibly think I didn't know it was her.)
Laura suggested afterward that perhaps Jennifer was afraid Professor Groper would say something really nasty while I was there, and that she would be embarrassed if I saw her in that situation.
And honestly, if he had, I'm not sure that, at the moment, I would have been able to resist saying something in response -- something that might well have gotten me fired. So I left as soon as I could.
If he'd said something nasty to Jennifer while I was standing there ... yeah, I don't think I would have responded well.
ETA: April also told me that Professor Groper has hinted that if she'd agree to sleep with him, she'd be sure to get an 'A' in his class. (She said that she'd under no circumstances consider doing such a thing. But she did say that she has no doubt whatsoever that if she hinted that she'd be willing to consider trading sex for a good grade, he'd take her up on the "offer" immediately.) Note that Professor Groper has a wife and a college-age daughter; he'd surely be furious if anyone treated his daughter the way he treats our female students.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
-- Socrates
Last edited by The Lone Ranger; 12-06-2019 at 06:20 AM.
How could a forest spirit ever be angry at TLR? Must have been a city spirit.
I didn't think I'd have to spell it out, but obviously a spirit in the forest but not of it. I mean there must be an ancient Indian burial ground somewhere nearby, or a degenerate Appalachian cult worshipping Yothobb'kast.
Actually, despite all the frustrations associated with this place, I honestly don't think I could bring myself to leave this place. These students -- some of them, anyway -- really need me. Or at least they need someone who will look out for them and care for them.
Today was the last day of classes (final exams are next week). Another student gave me a Christmas gift today (home-made cookies). And four young women hugged me, telling me how much they've enjoyed my classes and/or how much they appreciate that I so obviously care about them.
As Laura pointed out, Professor Groper has it all wrong: if you treat the students with kindness and respect, they'll love you for it. As such, I'll bet that I've been hugged by way more students than Professor Groper has -- and all of them hugged me willingly.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
As Laura pointed out, Professor Groper has it all wrong: if you treat the students with kindness and respect, they'll love you for it. As such, I'll bet that I've been hugged by way more students than Professor Groper has -- and all of them hugged me willingly.
My colleague Laura and I started an end-of-semester tradition about a year ago; at the end of the semester, we take our favorite/most deserving students out and treat them to dinner at a local restaurant. It's good for the students to get out and away from the stresses of Finals.
Last night, we took two of Laura's students out to dinner. Tonight, we took two of mine -- Jennifer and Katie. Among other things, we discussed Professor Groper and his harassment of female students, Professor Slacker and his seeming contempt for the students and for his responsibilities to them, and Professor Dreadful [thanks, BrotherMan!], who seems to love nothing more than to torment and bully students.
Both Laura and I apologized profusely for our colleagues' behavior and assured them that not all of us are like that. We suggested that perhaps Laura could approach Professor Groper and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. But both Jennifer and Katie were adamant that they didn't want us to do anything, because a.) they don't think that either Professor Groper or the Administration will do anything (there have surely been plenty of complaints about him already; if the Administration was willing to do anything about his behavior, they'd have done so by now -- and Professor Groper must surely have had students tell him that his language and groping are inappropriate), and b.) they're concerned that he'll figure out that the complaint originated with them, and try to take it out on them somehow.
Jennifer and Katie told us something particularly interesting, though. They told us that Professor Groper specifically forbids students to use phones or any other recording devices in the classroom or lab, and says that he will punish anyone caught recording anything he says.
Does that not sound ... highly suspicious? It sounds to me like Professor Groper knows full well that his behavior is unacceptable, and is consciously taking steps to make sure that no one has recorded proof of his actions.
It's getting harder and harder for me to retain any degree of respect for him. (I long ago lost whatever lingering shreds of respect I might have had for Professor Slacker.)
Laura noted to Jennifer and Katie that, in the years that she's known me, the only time she has ever seen me genuinely angry is when someone mis-treats children or our students. [But then, they're one in the same; my students are my children, as far as I'm concerned.]
We reiterated to Jennifer and Katie that we're truly sorry that they have to put up with people like Groper, Slacker, and Dreadful. It's so completely wrong and unfair! I told Jennifer and Katie that whatever else is true, I love them very dearly, and I will always do whatever is in my power to help or support them. (Up to and including going to the Dean and filing a formal complaint on their behalf, should they ever deem it appropriate.)
Both of them hugged me, told me that they loved me too (tonight was the first time that Jennifer has ever said "I love you" to me ... d'awwww ... ), and that they wished the rest of the professors at the college cared about their students the way that Laura and I do.
So, despite the sometimes less-than-pleasant subject matter, we had a wonderful evening.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
Isn't there some kind of Rate My Professor dot Com website on the internet that can warn students and maintain some veneer of anonymity? I'm sure Professor Groper will drive himself insaner figuring out who would dare air his dirty laundry in public. But then, after all this I'm not sure either of your students would trust the anonymity of the internet all by itself anyway.
Something Jennifer and Katie mentioned to me in passing didn't occur to me, but seems so obvious in hindsight: they mentioned that they're always careful about what they wear in Professor Groper's classes. Sweatpants and other bulky, frumpy clothing are preferred. Why? Because anything that's the least bit revealing or tight will attract unwanted attention and comments -- and all too likely, unwanted touching.
But to repeat a point I made earlier: Both young women gave me long, genuine hugs and told me that they love me. If Professor Groper wants students to love him, he's going about it all wrong.
But that's rather naďve of me, isn't it? Sexual harassment isn't about wanting love or anything like it. It's about wanting power over more or less helpless young women, isn't it? Some men seem to get a sexual thrill from knowing they have that kind of power over their victims.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
But that's rather naďve of me, isn't it? Sexual harassment isn't about wanting love or anything like it. It's about wanting power over more or less helpless young women, isn't it? Some men seem to get a sexual thrill from knowing they have that kind of power over their victims.
Sounds like perhaps a thing they could do is figure out how to record Prof. Groper surreptitiously.
If they're worried about retaliation, they could wait to release the video until they, at minimum, don't need to take any classes with him anymore. But it seems like at some point he wouldn't have any way to retaliate (after they graduate, for example).
It is probably harder for the university to defend him if there's video of him behaving clearly inappropriately.
IANAL but how advisable this is depends on what the laws are about recording people without their consent in your state.
It is probably harder for the university to defend him if there's video of him behaving clearly inappropriately.
Professor Dean of the College University of Colleges said in a statement today that the student's involved in the scandal will be repremanded if not expelled for violating the professor's (and CUC) internal policy of forbidding cell phones and other recording devices in the classrooms...
I know that Jennifer has been traumatized in the past. She has never told me the details, and I would never pressure her to do so, but she's told me some of it. What she's told me is horrifying enough, and she hints from time to time that there has been worse. Like when she told me that Professor Groper is not the first person to sexually harass her -- and that she's had to endure much worse than what he does to her.
And that, I'm sure, is a big part of why she seems to have essentially no self-confidence, despite being a very intelligent, hard-working, and accomplished young woman. And I'm sure it's a big part of why she seems to think that everything bad that happens is necessarily her fault -- somehow.
And she has serious trust issues. It's not just that she's told me so; she demonstrates it very clearly. The number of people whom she trusts is vanishingly small. I'm not entirely certain how I became one of them, but I'm determined to live up to that responsibility.
And there are times when that girl just breaks my heart. Like last weekend, when she was feeling particularly depressed. She sent me a message, and we wound up having a 2-hour conversation via Facebook Messenger about how she's convinced she's going to fail in ... well, pretty-much everything. At one point, I asked her, "Do you know why I so-often tell you that I love you and that I'm proud of you?"* Her response: "Because you don't want me to feel like a complete failure?".
Well, today was the last day of Finals. Most of the students had left by yesterday afternoon, but when I came into the cafeteria, Jennifer was getting her dinner. When she saw me, she got a big, genuine smile on her face -- a smile from her is a rare and beautiful thing, like the sun bursting out from behind a dark cloud. She quickly came over and hugged me tightly. I told her, "I love you, Sweetie." She replied, "I love you, too." [Honestly, that's probably the best Christmas gift anyone has ever given me.]
And as I left to go back to my office, she sat down to have dinner with a big, genuine smile on her face. That young woman has been through so much in her life. And if I have one goal at this moment in my life, it's to get her to understand that a.) she is loved, and b.) that she is worthy of being loved.
I think that it's finally beginning to dawn on her that the first part is true. The second part? I think it's going to be a very difficult thing for her to accept that.
Sometimes, when she tells me about her life, I can't decide whether I want to go home and cry over the cruelties and injustices she's had to deal with -- or whether I want to find some of the people responsible and hurt them.
*Because that girl so desperately needs to hear that from someone.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
I just had a fairly long conversation with April, via Messenger. She's the one who came to me about 2 weeks ago to complain about Professor Groper sexually harassing her. Apparently, he's much more aggressive toward her than he is toward Katie or even Jennifer. As in he frequently asks April not just for nude photos, but for sexually explicit photos. Ewwww ...
But April, like Katie and Jennifer, doesn't want to file any sort of formal complaint. Partly, that's because she's sure that the college won't do anything -- after all, students have apparently been complaining about his behavior for years now, with no action on the college's part. The other reason is that she fears he'd retaliate against them -- or me.
She told me tonight that it's "well known" that I'm sympathetic to female students, and that it's apparently quite "well known" amongst their peer group that Katie and Jennifer consider me to be both a good friend and quite trustworthy. So, it was apparently one or both of them who directed April to me.
I told April that it must nonetheless have taken quite a lot of courage on her part for her to come to me, and that I'm very grateful that she was willing to trust me.
Anyway, April figures that if anyone files a complaint against Professor Groper, he'd quickly figure out that the complaint probably originated with either her, Jennifer, or Katie. Or me. Because, as she said, it's apparently quite well-known on campus that I'm friendly to and supportive of female students in general, and Jennifer and Katie in particular.
Sadly, though, April has decided that she has had enough. She told me yesterday that she's leaving, and she filled out the paperwork today. She's applied for admission to a state university near where she lives, and unless the university doesn't have room for her and so refuses to admit her, April will not be coming back here in January.
She tells me that her experiences over the past year or so have been an important deciding factor, and particular because, as she put it, "this department sucks."
She told me that she thinks I'm the only one in the department who is competent, supportive, and trustworthy. Professor Groper, of course, harasses her and tries to talk her into giving him sexually explicit photographs. Professor Slacker is simply a disgrace to his profession. And Professor Dreadful is a bully who openly brags about making students cry.
It would have been awful, by the way, if April had gone to Professor Dreadful. You might think, at first, that a female professor would be inclined to be sympathetic. But not Professor Dreadful. As April suggested -- and I firmly agreed -- Professor Dreadful would have mocked April, belittled her, and told her to "deal with it." Yeah, Professor Dreadful would have been just about the last person I'd approach for help if I were a young woman who was being subjected to sexual harassment.
Maybe if April decides to send a letter to various people in the Administration explaining why she's leaving, that might rattle some cages? If it were made clear to them that they're losing students because of people like Professors Groper, Slacker, and Dreadful, the Administration might be inclined to finally take some sort of action? I dunno.
Anyway, April just sent me a message saying that she will miss me, and that she'll definitely come by to see me before leaving for good. She says that she wants to give me one last hug, and says that she loves me. That's awfully nice to hear -- but also very sad.
Especially because, as she tells me, she now feels that she has some serious trust issues, what with her experiences here. After all, teachers are supposed to nuture and protect students, not demand sexually-explicit photos while groping them.
On a vaguely related note, I've been thinking about why people are the way that they are. I know that Professor Dreadful had a traumatic childhood herself. She often speaks of how much she despises everyone in her family, and how neglected and mis-treated she was a child. Perhaps that explains why the only sort of pleasure she seems to derive in life is from belittling others -- seriously, the only time I've ever seen her genuinely happy is when she's making someone else miserable.
I don't know so much about Professor Groper's background, but he's a white male from a society that places a great deal of emphasis on social hierarchies (with white males being at the top) and everyone knowing their place. Perhaps that explains why he seems so used to getting his own way and so confident that he can get away with treating young women as sex objects rather than as independent people in their own right who have the right to absolute control over their own bodies.
And me? Well, I'm the eldest of 6 children; all of my younger siblings are girls. Maybe that helps explain why I've always had more female friends than male friends.
More to the point, our father died when I was young. Our mother remarried, but that marriage didn't last long. And our mother was -- how to put this kindly? -- not much of a mother.
It's not that she is or was a bad person, but I don't think she ever really grew up. She was only 17 when I was born, and my father was in the Air Force. So she didn't really have his support.
My paternal grandparents despised my mother. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that they finally told me why. According to them, when I was a baby, my mother would often show up unannounced on their doorstep, drop me off, and then go out partying all night with friends.
And that sort of thing continued. It was not at all uncommon, when I was growing up, for our mother to come home on Friday after work, pack some things, and then disappear for the weekend, leaving us to fend for ourselves.
And neither she nor our stepfather (in the time that he was still a factor) ever hugged us or told us that they loved us.
So, I pretty-much raised my younger sisters for much of our childhood. I learned to cook and made sure they were fed; I made sure that the house was more or less clean, that the clothes got washed, and so forth.
And I suspect that helps explain how I treat my students. After all, they're the closest thing I'll ever have to children of my own, and I feel very protective of them.
It's my nature. If someone needs help, my natural instinct is to try to help them. If someone needs protection, my natural instinct is to try to protect them. If someone needs to be loved, my natural instinct is to love them.
Because I learned early that everyone needs to be told and shown that they're loved I'm not shy about telling my students that I love them, nor am I shy about giving them a warm, supportive hug if they need it.
[I'm not saying that I'm anything special, by the way. Why would any competent, remotely self-aware adult need to be told that sexual harassment is bad?]
As my colleague Laura noted earlier, it has been interesting to watch how Jennifer's relationship toward me -- and others -- has changed over the past couple of years.
As I've mentioned, Jennifer has had some trauma in her past, and has serious trust issues to deal with. I'd say that she's painfully shy, but that's not it, exactly. Rather, I think it's that she has so little self-esteem that she doesn't think anyone would want to talk with her -- and because of her trust issues, she's unwilling to trust many people enough to let them get to know her in the first place.
But again, our past definitely influences our present.
The first time Jennifer ever really spoke to me was when she came to me near the end of last semester, asking for help making out her schedule. Her advisor is Professor Dreadful, and Jennifer came to me instead, because Professor Dreadful was such an intimidating figure -- and because she feared (not without reason!) that Professor Dreadful would mock and belittle her, rather than help.
I vividly recall that first time, because Jennifer was so painfully diffident. She quietly knocked on my door, apologized repeatedly for bothering me, and asked for my help.
I did my best to calm and reassure her, and insisted that helping students is why I'm here, and that of course I wouldn't mind helping her!
Afterward, having decided that she seemed like she needed someone to talk with, I asked her about herself. She talked for awhile, told me some of her plans for the future, and seemed to relax just a bit. She kept her eyes down the whole time though, never looking me in the eye.
But I think that she began to get the idea that I was at least somewhat trustworthy. And, as she eventually told me, she quickly decided that I was "very approachable." Over the next few days, she visited several times, supposedly to discuss details of her schedule -- but in reality, we spent most of the time talking about her goals in life. And after awhile, about her fears and concerns.
And then she surprised me. She was taking my Zoology course at the time, and I casually mentioned that I would be going out to collect critters that evening, for the next day's lab. After class -- very diffidently -- Jennifer came up to me and asked if I'd like a "helper" when I went out to catch salamanders and frogs and other such critters.
I told her that I'd be delighted, of course. As it turned out, she had a great time, and seemed to genuinely enjoy mucking about in the creek, catching frogs, salamanders, water snakes, etc. And perhaps more importantly, I took the opportunity to ask more about her, and she really opened up to me.
She volunteered to be my "helper" on future critter-catching expeditions, and I told her that I'd be delighted to have her along. And again, we spent most of the time talking about her hopes and dreams -- and her painful past.
On one such trip, we caught some nice water snakes. The next day in lab, I made a point of telling the students that the large water snake they were admiring had been caught by my "very able field assistant, Jennifer." She blushed and looked down, but I also got to see something rare and wonderful -- she gave a rare, absolutely beautiful smile. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I ever saw her smile.
By then, it was the end of the semester, and Summer Vacation.
At the end of Summer Vacation, I was quite pleased and rather surprised to receive an e-mail from Jennifer asking for my office hours, so that she'd know when to come and visit.
And she did visit. Usually once or twice a week -- sometimes more -- she'd come by to talk about whatever was on her mind. Sometimes it was to ask for advice; sometimes it was to rant about Professor Groper or Professor Slacker, or Professor Dreadful; sometimes it was just to talk about nothing in particular.
At first, she would quietly knock on the door and ask permission before entering. Eventually, she reached the point where she'd just walk in, drop her backpack, flop down into a chair, and start talking.
The first time I offered to hug her was when she was having a particularly bad day, and she looked like she could really use a hug. I asked if I could hug her and she hesitated, but said yes. She was kind of stiff, and clearly not entirely comfortable with the whole idea, but she seems to have liked it.
Because after that, she clearly came to expect to get a hug whenever she visited me. That fact was most clearly impressed on me when she came into my office one day, told me that she had only a few minutes and so had to leave immediately -- but didn't. Instead, she just stood there for a few moments, looking awkward. It took me a moment to figure out what she wanted, but when I stood up and opened my arms, she gave me a radiant smile, stepped forward and hugged me, and then walked out of the office with a big smile on her face.
Nowadays, whenever she sees me, Jennifer will usually come up to me and give me a big hug -- and tell me that she loves me.
Among her issues, Jennifer suffers from severe depression. She told me recently that she loves to hug me/be hugged by me and to hear me say "I love you", because for at least a little while she feels happy, knowing that she is loved and supported. And that's one of the sweetest and one of the saddest things that anyone has ever told me.
My colleague Laura told me earlier today that for the longest time she didn't know what Jennifer looked like or sounded like, because Jennifer would never look up, and would never speak. "But," she said, "I started noticing, about halfway through the semester, that she would occasionally say 'hello' to me, and occasionally she would even look up when she did so."
And then she told me about how, a few weeks ago, she happened to be visiting me in my office just as Jennifer arrived. [I always keep my office door open when I'm around, so that students know I'm available.]
She said it was quite remarkable: Jennifer actually said "hello" to her, and even made eye contact!
She said that what was even more remarkable was what happened next. Jennifer looked up and saw me, immediately got a great big, genuine smile on her face, and hugged me.
Laura reminded me of a similar incident last week. Laura and I went to lunch together, and as we went into the cafeteria, Jennifer was standing near the buffet line, looking as she all-too-typically does -- sad. But when Jennifer saw me, she immediately smiled, came forward, and grabbed me in a hug. I told her, "I love you, Sweetie." And Jennifer immediately replied, "I love you, too!".
And, as Laura noted, Jennifer took her plate of food and went to sit down, smiling all the while.
Jennifer is a very smart and exceptionally kind-hearted young woman. She also happens to be strikingly beautiful. She has told me on more than one occasion that she gets asked out often, but that the men who do so almost invariably make it clear that they're only interested in her for her looks and/or because they're clearly hoping to get her into bed.
I think that what she sees in me is that I can give her what she so clearly needs: I'm someone who loves her, but because of who she is, not what she looks like*. And I'm not trying to convince her to go to bed with me, nor am I trying to convince her to give me nude photos, or whatever. As she told me, she loves to hug me, because she feels loved and supported when I hug her. By contrast, she doesn't want to be to touched by Professor Groper at all, because "love" and "support" have nothing to do with why he wants to touch her.
*Of course, anyone who claims to "love" her because of the way that she looks doesn't love her at all.
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
-- Socrates
Last edited by The Lone Ranger; 12-18-2019 at 03:03 AM.
I've had several very long discussions via Messenger with April over the past few days. I can't help but feel like I just haven't done enough for her. I've been thinking about it all night, and I just couldn't sleep.
I mentioned that April is planning to leave our little college and go to a big state university. She said that she just didn't feel she was getting the support she needed here. Sadly, she's not likely to get the kind of support she really needs at a big university -- but as she pointed out, at least a big university probably won't let people like Professor Slacker get away with completely shirking his duties (though I hated to point it out to her, but at a big university, there's a good chance that most of the actual teaching will be done by graduate TAs, not professors). And a big university will surely have a functional complaint system that will allow students to report bullies like Professor Dreadful, and hopefully get them reprimanded. And hopefully, they wouldn't be willing to tolerate someone like Professor Groper, who openly harasses pretty young women.
[Sadly, it's not like any of this doesn't happen in big universities. But maybe they'll be more willing to deal with people like Professors Slacker, Dreadful, and Groper than than this school has.]
So honestly, I'm worried about April.
She has come to my office to talk with me about things in the past. But mostly, it was about her dreams of becoming a veterinarian and such things. She never really told me much about her personal life, and of course, I wouldn't pry. But now I really wish I'd known how much she was hurting.
She told me that it was Jennifer and Katie who convinced her that I was someone whom she could trust and talk with. They convinced her that I would listen to her and be supportive and sympathetic, and that I would help her as best I could -- and that I wouldn't ridicule her, or belittle her, or tell her to "grow up," or ignore her, or sexually harass her. Unlike some other faculty members whom I could name.
So I'm very grateful to Jennifer and Katie. It pleases me so much that I've earned their trust -- and that of April -- and I will strive my very best to live up to that responsibility.
The saddest part, though, is that April tells me that she really wishes that she'd known sooner that she could trust me, and that she could talk with me about such sensitive issues. She says that if she had, maybe the past semester wouldn't have been so painful for her.
And I can't help it; that makes me feel guilty. I wish I'd seen the warning signs; I wish I'd known how miserable she was and how desperately she needed someone to talk with!
But then, there's nothing I could have done for her or said that would have helped her at all until she decided that I was someone she could trust with such matters. So logically, I know that there's nothing more I could have done for her. Still, it breaks my heart that she was in such pain and in such need of someone to talk with, and that I wasn't there for her at the time.
Still, we've had several very long and productive discussions over the past few days, and I'm very happy that I've been able to provide at least a little advice and comfort for April.
And I'm so very thankful that Jennifer and Katie, however they managed it, were able to convince April to come to me.
I just hope that April has made the right decision ...
__________________
“The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
And I can't help it; that makes me feel guilty. I wish I'd seen the warning signs; I wish I'd known how miserable she was and how desperately she needed someone to talk with!
It's understandable, but try not to feel actual guilt. People who are in most need of someone to talk to because they (rightly) fear being belittled or attacked, like April, get very good at not showing their feelings, especially their hurt.
* JoeP is giving supportive advice to TLR. This feels odd. Coals to Newcastle.
Re: Return to Gender 101
for this
), and that they wished the rest of the professors at the college cared about their students the way that Laura and I do.
Linear Mode
