Shitty Things Your Mom Does.

[Bastard]

You can choose yoru friends, you cannot choose yoru relatives...

But you can move to the other side of the world to get away from them, like I did....

[Kevlar]

Originally Posted by Bastard

You can choose yoru friends, you cannot choose yoru relatives...

But you can move to the other side of the world to get away from them, like I did....

Amen to that, brother Bastard.

[irukandji]

tanda, i cannot possibly imagine...
inconceivable to me that a mother
could be so selfish on so many levels...


i wrote this about 4 years ago:



all mothers are daughters!
(what a concept!)

i heard that on public radio
when they were doing a 'thing'
for mother's day

my own maternal unit
is deceased...
10 years now....

she was....
unhappy
for all of my life
with her

so, when the host
of the radio program
asked for callers
to tell what their mothers
has taught them about life

amid the tales and tellings
of lovely sentimental remembrance
i tried to see if i could conjure
something of substance as an
adult child of an alcoholic...

and i could!!

of course it was not a cheery
or optimistic or fond recollection....
those rare interludes
are not what taught me anything...
maybe because they were few,
maybe because they were foreign,
or seemed suspicious or insincere

the lesson i cling to
when reflecting on
what my mother taught me
was how to live...
not by example
but by contrast...

she was bitter
and brittle
and wore her disappointments
like ceremonial garb....

she clung to her misery
with a tenacious and self-pitying
grasp that allowed her to swing
her pain like a battle-axe
thru the lives of anyone
who was in proximal range

none escaped unscathed...
some did not escape at all

i learned from her
that an armored life
is not a protection

it is a prison

and she died
holding the key
in her hand

that is what i learned,
it continues to shape my life
and i will always be grateful
i learned how to use the key


(my 20th anniversary of sobriety
came and went this last new year's day...
loving it more everyday)

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Bastard

You can choose yoru friends, you cannot choose yoru relatives...

But you can move to the other side of the world to get away from them, like I did....

You can't choose your parents ... but you can choose to kill them?

[Plant Woman]

Even though I moved on a long time ago, and will not allow her in my life anymore, I forgive her and myself for my own reactions.

[Doctor X]

Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I was arrested and put upon trial, which lasted seven years. In summing up, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that it was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called upon to explain away.

At this my counsel rose and said:

"May it please your honour, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client's previous murder of his uncle, you would discern in his later offence something in the nature of tender forbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim. The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeed inconsistent with any hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not been for the fact that the honourable judge before whom he was tried was the president of a life insurance company which took risks on hanging, and in which my client held a policy, it is impossible to see how he could have been decently acquitted."

--Ambrose Bierce, "My Favorite Murder, " The Patricide Club

--J.D.

[S.Vashti]

I cannot begin to tell you all how grateful I am you are here, despite the shitty things your mom and family did. I'm certain I would not have prevailed in such circumstances, and so I'm in awe of those that did, and turned out to be warm, kind, funny and courageous enough to overcome your backgrounds, however long it took, or is still taking.

Thanks, you teach me a lot.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Kevlar

Amen to that, brother Bastard.

I moved halfway across the country. And she never forgave me for that either.

[Deadlokd]

My current problem is that I live on the other side of the world from my nice Mum.

[Lauri D]

Wow... some crazy stuff ITT!

This is like a .0001 on the Richter Scale of some of the crazily dysfunctional stuff in this thread but figured I'd share anyway.

Although I love(d) my mom very much as noted in the other thread, there was one thing she did when I was growing up (and for some years when I was already an adult) that drove me batshit insane and caused a measure of resentment for many years that I was finally able to let go but nonetheless I feel has perhaps permanently affected my disposition

Inveterate Snoop. And it started waaaay before there was ever any reasonable cause (and certainly continued after). Going through my drawers, trash, reading my journal and letters (when abroad), eavesdropping, etc. The most humiliating early experience was probably when I was 15 and had started doing the annual girl-exam thing with my then-doctor, and although I was several years away from being sexually active, the doc insisted on giving me some brightly colored condoms "just in case" as I did have a boyfriend at the time. His intentions were good of course and I hadn't yet excercised my "firm NO THANKS" muscle. Anyway I took them home and hid them in a deep dark corner of some dresser drawer, where she innocently "happened upon them" a few weeks later and demanded to know who I was having sex with. It didn't help matters that a few weeks later, then-boyfriend thought it was the height of hilarity to send me a letter in one of those fake "Pregnancy Test Results" envelopes (like from Spencer's or some other novelty shop). Geez Louise, she probably woulda found a doctor to give me a "Virginity Test" if she could have.

When I was in my early twenties and was refinancing my old house, she came over one time and after I had gone to visit the restroom, was in the kitchen and happened to "stumble upon" my credit report (nevermind the fact that it was about halfway down in a pile of mail) and demanded to know why I hadn't revealed the ONE negative item on it that had to do with my divorce. Yeah, stumbled upon.

And then there was the matter of sharing every little detail of my personal life (this lasted until my late 20's) with the far-reaching web of her church community under the guise of Prayer Requests etc. That didn't get fixed until one time at a church service I'd agreed to go with her, a friend of hers and mere acquaintance of mine asked me straight-up about a very personal situation that shouldn't even have to be expected to remain quiet. We had words, and it never happened again after that, that I know of.

Point being that I suspect that this - not by itself, other family members were prone to the same type of behavior - may have strongly contributed to my tendency toward a hyper-vigilant sense of privacy, "Mind-Your-Own-Business-ism" and "If You Talk Behind My Back I WILL Cut You Off-ism". I can take it to extremes sometimes although I am very open about many things, but when it's by my choice. It basically just really eroded a sense of trust in many ways.

For the brief time that I lived next door after she'd begun the Alzheimer's descent, she still went through my Dumpstered trash from to time to time, but at that point I think she really was just looking for deposit cans or bottles. :smackhead:

Like I said, .0001 on the scale, but figured I'd bore ya all anyway

[Gonzo]

I'm trying to gather the together the reasons why I resent my mother... some sort of suppressed, twisted, bizarre version of the Oedipus Complex, I suppose.

Oh, she has a pretty maniacal laugh, too.

[Tanda]

When I told my mom that my step-dad was a peeping tom pervert (he tried to see me in the shower when I was 16), she got mad, called me a liar, and called my biological father to see if I could move in with him. Then when he didn't want me either he tried to get me join the navy. Go parents!

[Shelli]

Reading this thread along with the memories that come back from it reminds me of how glad I am that I cut all ties with my family a few years back.

It hurt like hell, but it would have hurt a whole lot more if I had kept contact with them.

[biochemgirl]

Malloch's mom still uses our phone number as her own when taking out loans and credit and other things that she has no intention of ever repaying. Not surprising for someone that used to take out credit in her children's names.

[Gonzo]

YouTube- Are You My Mother?

[livius drusus]

You're not my mother! You're a snort! That was one of my favorite bedtime reading stories. My mom is an outstanding bedtime story reader. She does voices and everything.

(Pardon the "great things your mom does" crossover. I figure it's kosher given the "shitty things" crossover in my thread.)

[inland wave]

Being the only girl out of four kids, I always get the guilt treatment. I could call everyday and still get "we don't hear from you enough, we haven't seen you in ages when are you going to come home, so and so is having a party or died and you won't be here, we didn't raise you to be so far a away that you could not be part of family activities".....
Yeah, you got it. Most of my cousins I don't and wouldn't want to be around anyway.
The ones I want to visit with I do so on facebook.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

My mom is an outstanding bedtime story reader. She does voices and everything.

To further sidetrack this, that's what I used to do. Wait, I'm not a mom. I guess that's okay. I think my kids even enjoyed P.G. Wodehouse read with my horrendous British accents.