|
|
05-20-2013, 05:43 AM
|
|
ne plus ultraviolet
|
|
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Portland Oregon USA
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
126. Helmar, known as the second-most foolish man in Saarland, observes a flyer on the bulletin board at the post office. It reads, "Three Day River Cruise- five Euro only". Helmar promptly goes to the address on the flyer, a small office on the banks of the river Bist, and pays the clerk behind a desk his five Euro. The clerk gestures to a burly man reading a thick book, who gets up and wallops Helmar across the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
Helmar awakens some time later, tied to a log, floating down what he presumes to be the Bist. looking to his left, he sees Gervis- acknowledged by all to be the most foolish man in Saarland, and possibly also Rhineland-Palatinate- tied to another log, also with a bump on his head.
"Gervis," says Helmar, "Do you believe they will serve decent meals on this cruise?"
Gervis turned his head towards Helmar and replies, "I regret to inform you that last year, when I took this same cruise, no foods were served."
|
Thanks, from:
|
Anastasia Beaverhausen (05-20-2013), Angakuk (05-20-2013), BrotherMan (05-20-2013), But (07-28-2013), Crumb (05-20-2013), curses (05-20-2013), Dingfod (05-21-2013), Dragar (07-31-2013), Ensign Steve (05-20-2013), erimir (05-20-2013), Janet (06-01-2013), Kael (05-20-2013), lisarea (05-20-2013), livius drusus (05-20-2013), Pan Narrans (05-21-2013), S.Vashti (05-23-2013), ShottleBop (05-21-2013), Sock Puppet (05-20-2013), SR71 (05-20-2013), Stormlight (05-21-2013), Watser? (05-20-2013)
|
05-20-2013, 04:48 PM
|
|
Bow down before me ... or not.
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Nebraska
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
I did not know that Hansel and Grettel was a German comedy. But now I know why I chuckle when they stuff the old lady in the oven and rob her after vandalizing her house.
__________________
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.
|
05-20-2013, 05:05 PM
|
|
Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short
|
|
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
127. Bertram had a great deal of difficulty operating his cellular telephone, and frequently became angry and frustrated as a result.
128. Astrid failed to properly format a corporate memo according to the style guide that she herself had authored.
|
Thanks, from:
|
Adam (05-20-2013), BrotherMan (05-20-2013), chunksmediocrites (05-20-2013), curses (05-20-2013), Demimonde (05-21-2013), Dingfod (05-21-2013), Ensign Steve (05-20-2013), livius drusus (05-20-2013), Pan Narrans (05-21-2013), SR71 (05-20-2013), Stormlight (05-21-2013)
|
05-20-2013, 05:50 PM
|
|
Stoic Derelict... The cup is empty
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: The Dustbin of History
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
129. Ludwig spent all the day cutting the wood for the winter heating. After that, he stacked the wood beside the house. One of the pieces was stuck out from the pile, more then 15 cm! When his wife Petra saw it, she said he should make it all stacked again. Ludwig said to her, she should first burn all of the wood, and after he would start it all over again!
__________________
Chained out, like a sitting duck just waiting for the fall _Cage the Elephant
|
Thanks, from:
|
BrotherMan (05-20-2013), chunksmediocrites (05-20-2013), curses (05-20-2013), Demimonde (05-21-2013), Dingfod (05-21-2013), Dragar (07-31-2013), Ensign Steve (05-20-2013), lisarea (05-20-2013), livius drusus (05-20-2013), Pan Narrans (05-21-2013), Stormlight (05-21-2013)
|
05-21-2013, 02:06 AM
|
|
A fellow sophisticate
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cowtown, Kansas
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
Germans are nothing if not logical.
__________________
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.--W.C. Fields
|
07-25-2013, 02:24 PM
|
|
A Very Gentle Bort
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Bortlandia
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
Yes, there really is a funny joke for English-speaking Germans in this educational video about Owls.
__________________
\V/_ I COVLD TEACh YOV BVT I MVST LEVY A FEE
|
Thanks, from:
|
Angakuk (07-25-2013), ceptimus (07-26-2013), Clutch Munny (07-25-2013), Demimonde (07-25-2013), Janet (07-26-2013), Kael (07-25-2013), lisarea (07-25-2013), livius drusus (07-25-2013), Nullifidian (07-28-2013), Pan Narrans (07-25-2013), S.Vashti (07-25-2013), SR71 (07-25-2013), Stormlight (07-25-2013), Watser? (07-25-2013), wei yau (07-25-2013)
|
07-25-2013, 03:08 PM
|
|
Tellifying
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Northern Virginia
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
Damn you, Bort.
Now I have to watch all his videos.
__________________
|
07-26-2013, 06:56 AM
|
|
A fellow sophisticate
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cowtown, Kansas
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
131. Carolin says to waiter Gerd, "The coffee is so cold!" Gerd replies, "Thank you for telling me. Iced coffee cost more."
132. (via Google Translate of actual joke in German): Teacher to student: ''For this insolence you write one hundred times, 'I am a lazy guy' and then it can be signed by your father!''
__________________
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.--W.C. Fields
|
07-26-2013, 08:01 AM
|
|
A fellow sophisticate
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Cowtown, Kansas
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
133. (inspired by this news story) Gitte Belhasen-Bieber is worried that her husband Justus is so obsessed with a teen pop star with a name similar to his that he will want to move to America. Gitte doesn't want to move to America because her electrical appliances will not work there not because she doesn't like the young man's music.
__________________
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.--W.C. Fields
|
07-26-2013, 09:23 PM
|
|
Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short
|
|
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
134. An unnamed German student abroad in America noted that "the milkman, paperboy, and evening TV" had all maintained a consistent presence in American culture, despite clear implications to the contrary in the theme song for the television situation comedy "Full House." She pursed her lips in disapproval, careful not to be observed by her host family.
|
Thanks, from:
|
Adam (07-28-2013), BrotherMan (07-26-2013), But (07-27-2013), chunksmediocrites (07-27-2013), Crumb (07-27-2013), Dingfod (07-27-2013), erimir (07-26-2013), Janet (07-27-2013), livius drusus (07-27-2013), Nullifidian (07-28-2013), Qingdai (07-29-2013), SR71 (07-27-2013), Stormlight (07-29-2013)
|
07-27-2013, 05:44 PM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dingfod
133. (inspired by this news story) Gitte Belhasen-Bieber is worried that her husband Justus is so obsessed with a teen pop star with a name similar to his that he will want to move to America. Gitte doesn't want to move to America because her electrical appliances will not work there not because she doesn't like the young man's music.
|
135. A nerd informs both of them in this post that all they have to do is use an Inchworm Imperial Foot NTSC teletube adapter to convert the awful music to a compatible format so they can masturbate happily ever after (every afternoon).
|
07-28-2013, 07:13 PM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
136. In principle, they deserve to be killed by their electrical appliances for listening to Scheißmusik (shit music), but if the husband wants to move to America to Chuck the Beaver, so be it. I don't care because I have just written down a Witz that only I can understand. This thread is your Thread, this Thread is My Thread: Left, Right, Up, Down, Laugh, Laugh, FATALITY
|
07-28-2013, 07:35 PM
|
|
Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short
|
|
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
137. A dull, aged American pointed out to the inscrutable Heinrich that it is unnecessary for him to indicate when he has written something others cannot understand, as nearly everything he writes is cryptic and requires extensive background knowledge that few possess.
|
Thanks, from:
|
Adam (07-29-2013), Angakuk (07-28-2013), BrotherMan (07-28-2013), But (07-30-2013), Crumb (07-28-2013), Dingfod (07-28-2013), Janet (07-31-2013), Nullifidian (07-28-2013), Pan Narrans (07-28-2013), Qingdai (07-29-2013), Stormlight (07-29-2013), Watser? (07-28-2013)
|
07-28-2013, 08:17 PM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
Let's try it with music. I hope we can all agree that Justin Bieber's music is intolerable.
138.
(This is a multilingual song made from 100% Insult. It is called "H2O2 on his Hair". It is on topic, the topic is the guy who fell in love with Justin Bieber. E-A-Dm and some chords. Guitar)
Dear Fräulein Nolan prostitute from tabloid
"Titpage 3",
The midlife Krisis
That you describe
Is very real in deed. In words
It is a Mid-Life Katastro Phe
Because the queer dude on the Schwulenstage
Has:
Hydrogen Peroxide on his Hair (and balls)
He looks like shit, he sings like shit, I hope he gets a
Genital Disease, eine Geschlechts-Krankheit
like Syphilease, oh Bitte Bitte Bitte Please..
Because your grown-up son of 21 is more important than this piece of
Arsch from planet Gay (oy vey..)
Sein rubber spacesuit mit den Noppen
Ist nur gut um drauf zu Kloppen
Homosexuality is not a Krankheit, ist kein Disease
But Justin Bieber's Musik Is.
I'm sure he has some painful memories (I know..)
His parents urinated on his head and damaged all his brain.
The horror.. the horror.. the pain..
(Arpeggio.)
|
07-28-2013, 09:04 PM
|
|
A Very Gentle Bort
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Bortlandia
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
139. Helga was confounded when Gorge tried to relate the difference between a woman with flaxen coloured hair and a Boeing 777 Dreamliner. She has seen the blueprints of the Boeing airplane and was confident there were far more disparities than the ribald and disgusting ones Gorge intimated. She resolves to disregard Gorge's point of view for the foreseeable future.
__________________
\V/_ I COVLD TEACh YOV BVT I MVST LEVY A FEE
|
Thanks, from:
|
Adam (07-29-2013), ceptimus (07-28-2013), Crumb (07-28-2013), Dingfod (07-28-2013), Ensign Steve (07-29-2013), erimir (07-28-2013), Kael (07-31-2013), lisarea (07-28-2013), Nullifidian (07-29-2013), Pan Narrans (07-29-2013), Qingdai (07-29-2013), ShottleBop (07-29-2013), Sock Puppet (07-29-2013), SR71 (07-29-2013), Stormlight (07-29-2013)
|
07-30-2013, 03:57 PM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
140.
Scheherazade used prime-number arithmetic to avoid being killed by an old pervert in his pornographic tent. The result was an awful book and the title of this thread. It also inspired ein Herr Buckminster Fuller to write a lot of stuff about math. Ein Mrs. Pea sent me a copy of another text by this RBF. Der German Friedrich (who is writing a text now) scribbled the following words on His shirt on the back cover: Messiah, Mastermind, Jupiter, RB Fuller. Pages 316/317 now read: This is Bucky, I'm back.
Not coincidentally, under the blue ink that reads "Bucky", there is the sentence: "The comprehensive realizer will discover that his adequacy as rearranger of local universe, in, principle, will, if competently effected, be acquired by men as an obvious accretion, and that the more competent his realizing-rearrangements of design, the less grateful the beneficiaries, which will be precisely the objective of the comprehensive-realizer.
Last edited by But; 07-30-2013 at 04:11 PM.
Reason: Addendum
|
07-30-2013, 04:43 PM
|
|
California Sober
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Silicon Valley
Gender: Bender
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
|
07-31-2013, 04:36 AM
|
|
NeoTillichian Hierophant & Partisan Hack
|
|
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Iowa
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
I think that this thread should probably be turned over to But as his personal preserve. It is like he just is the embodiment of all jokes for English-speaking Germans.
__________________
Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
Last edited by Angakuk; 07-31-2013 at 04:49 AM.
|
07-31-2013, 11:20 AM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
This is no joke, I repeat: No Joke! This means, logically speaking, that I am posting off topic. Shit.
|
08-03-2013, 12:15 PM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
141.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angakuk
I think that this thread should probably be turned over to But as his personal preserve. It is like he just is the embodiment of all jokes for English-speaking Germans.
|
Ich kann schon ein bißchen Biblische Sprache.
I can already some Biblical language.
This is ein Stein von Rosetta.
This is a Stein from the Oktoberfest, where there are mainly Kraut mit Wurst.
You can use this in your usual sermon, which is intolerable. <- Das war ein Insult(this was an insult).
Dixit Algoritmi (Es sprach al-Khwarizmi):
Friday is a holy day
and Schabbes ist der Saturday
Saturn is planet No. X
Jesus Christ.
Last edited by But; 08-03-2013 at 12:17 PM.
Reason: Forgot a number
|
08-03-2013, 08:05 PM
|
|
Vaginally-privileged sociopathic cultist
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: La Mer
Gender: Female
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
__________________
|
08-23-2013, 09:04 PM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
143.
Joke 140 is missing two characters. One of them is a """ and the other one a "-".
Also, in the FF newspaper "Lifestyle", which is mainly about chickens, one joker tells another joker that he posted the same joke earlier to remind him that his name is mickthinks.
|
08-24-2013, 12:34 AM
|
|
Fishy mokey
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Furrin parts
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
I [thanks]sed it for the 'which is mainly about chickens'.
I am in a mood for specifying [thank]ses.
|
08-24-2013, 01:49 AM
|
|
This is the title that appears beneath your name on your posts.
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
That alone is worth the special [thanks] above, which has been withdrawn several times to crash the server, which didn't work or else I could not have posted this message.
|
08-24-2013, 02:10 AM
|
|
I read some of your foolish scree, then just skimmed the rest.
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Bay Area
Gender: Male
|
|
Re: The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans
Quote:
Originally Posted by But
143.Joke 140 is missing two characters. One of them is a """ and the other one a "-".
|
Indeed. This greatly miniaturized my enjoyment of the joke. At this time it stands as diminished among all the jokes posted thus far for this neglectful inaccuracy.
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
Thread Tools |
|
Display Modes |
Linear Mode
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 08:28 PM.
|
|
|
|