Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

[godfry n. glad]

Originally Posted by Dingfod

I'm not letting myself get so low I want to kill myself any more. I'm staying alive out of spite, out of anger. I think anger is a better than suicide, so long as you don't express it in a physical way toward any person or animal [or other people's property]. Inanimate objects are not safe around me, I've been known to smash perfectly good pieces of scrap lumber into little splinters with a small sledge hammer. It doesn't fix anything, but it feels good to destroy when I'm in that mood. HULK ANGRY! HULK SMASH! NOW HULK FEel better.

Oh...I do know that feeling.

I like to obtain some tough cardboard boxes and beat the shit out of them with a baseball bat or other blunt instrument.

It is a wondrous cathartic release.

[Sock Puppet]

So sorry you're going through this, Meg.

I don't have much to add, although I wanted to mention this:

And for fuck's sake don't say "Well, it could be worse, you could be starving in Haiti with half your family dead." I know that. I know that I'm still a privileged, wealthy American with a life that most people on the planet would love to have... but seriously, when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think is "Fuck, why don't I take 200 sleeping pills tonight so I don't have to do this tomorrow," something's fucking wrong.

Not only is something wrong, you are absolutely entitled to say so. I think it was PW who mentioned stages of grief. That's what situational depression is, a form of grief. You're grieving for something you lost, and your pain is perfectly valid. You wouldn't say to someone who lost a person they loved, "Oh buck up, other people have lost their entire family." As you move through stages of grief, and do what you can to keep it from consuming you, it won't help to tell yourself that you shouldn't be in pain at all.

I had more to say, but it all sounded like platitudes, so I deleted it. I hope you can find some peace and get back to a life you love.

[Megatron]

Apparently my school has a counseling office. I don't know what all they provide or what they're even capable of providing, but it seems they don't want to get into my pockets (which are mostly full of lint.) so I'm going to try to talk to someone tomorrow when I get my window between classes, maybe even set up something.

It couldn't hurt.

Thank you guys, I don't even know what to say to all the posts, although when I get time I will answer some of the more specific things.

Also, thank you as well to a very special person (you know who you are) who helped me find out some of this stuff.

[biochemgirl]

I don't have much advice or anything useful to say but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Hopefully it works out with the counseling office. I think sometimes that can be the biggest help, getting things out there. I wish you the best.

[S.Vashti]

Just please keep slogging on, Megatron.


I think there's something missing in our way of life nowadays that's worse than in the past, and it stymies us all to the point that some of us experience terrible depression. I would love to be able to cure it for everyone, but I don't have the key.

[Megatron]

Heh. Reading the Perv thread gleefully reminded me of the fact that I haven't been laid since September 6, 2008.

Holy fucking shit.

Then again, I've more or less given up on that ever happening again. Before I got married I was cute. Now, thanks to my wonderful genetics and a massive wreck, I'm bald and withered. When all you have is your looks, it sucks when they're gone.

I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but this is just the kind of shit my brain clamps down on and I can't get it to let go. It's not even really about sex... although damned if that wouldn't help.

I'm learning a lot about myself these days and some of it is pretty ugly. I didn't realize, for example, how incredibly dependent I was on intimacy, even on my best days. I can understand how my ex felt smothered sometimes. I'm like... a vampire or something that needs someone to feed on, mentally and physically.

As disturbing as that is, what's worse is the very dark reality of what happens when I don't have that. It started a long time ago, my marriage was deteriorating long before we finally ended it (probably too long, to be honest), but it took me until very recently to figure out the source.

It's not like I can plug the hole ( ) any time soon. Half the time I can't even talk to a woman without feeling like a dumbass teenager since what little self-worth I had was utterly destroyed. Not to mention, any relationship I would get into right now has way too much self-destruct potential in the state I'm in... let alone the fact that rejection would be fucking catastrophic.

So I can't help but be worried about where this is going to take me. I'm even burning out the few people I have left with my constant leeching, and none of it is enough to feed me.

Is this a cycle I can break? Everything has pretty much sucked, but the loneliness... it's devastating. It fucking eats at me, I conjure up the image in my mind of my dead fiancee or my ex-wife next to me when I lay down at night because I can't sleep alone. No, I'm not dissociative or anything, I'm well aware that no one's there. But the thought that I could end up like this for the rest of my life terrorizes me, and I genuinely fear for my sanity.

It doesn't help that my answer tends to be drawing further into myself and hiding from everything. I need... oh hell, I need to go to sleep.

P.S. Fuck Valentine's Day.

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Megatron

P.S. Fuck Valentine's Day.

Yeah that.

Originally Posted by Megatron

this is just the kind of shit my brain clamps down on and I can't get it to let go.

Brains do that.

Originally Posted by Megatron

Is this a cycle I can break?

Probably not on your own. You can already see that your mind goes round and round on things that pain you, and this stops you from seeing the potentially worthwhile middle between two impossible alternatives, and it stops you from realising that some things are bearable and managing when it feels like they aren't.

Did you get to speak to a counsellor yet?

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Megatron

When all you have is your looks, it sucks when they're gone.

Tell me about it.

Originally Posted by Megatron

Half the time I can't even talk to a woman without feeling like a dumbass teenager...

Perfectly normal in many men, if not most.

Originally Posted by Megatron

...since what little self-worth I had was utterly destroyed. Not to mention, any relationship I would get into right now has way too much self-destruct potential in the state I'm in...

Yeah, it's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself.

Originally Posted by Megatron

...let alone the fact that rejection...

It is perfectly normal to be rejected or feel rejected.

Originally Posted by Megatron

...[rejection] would be fucking catastrophic.

Doesn't have to be, but it is understandable how you could think that way. Rejection is painful, and it is natural to move away from pain. However, since rejection is normal, you have to keep trying but try not to appear desperate. It is a tough balancing act, I'm sure. In order to attract a partner or even just friends, you have to be someone they would be interested in, not self-absorbed and wallowing in misery. Or you can pay for it, though not necessarily the best solution or even legal (depending on your locale).

Originally Posted by Megatron

Is this a cycle I can break?

Dog, I hope so.

Originally Posted by Megatron

...oh hell, I need to go to sleep.

Getting plenty of rest is a good first step. Staying away from alcohol or drugs (other than antidepressants and any you need for your health, that is) would also be beneficial.

[Megatron]

Yeah, I was a bit of a wreck last night. Shit comes in waves... I guess that's kinda obvious.

I'll be going to the counseling office tomorrow, if I can just bring myself to open the door. It's not that I think there's some kind of monster waiting in there to devour me, it's just a damn difficult one to open.

And yeah. I'm staying clean. I'll probably never drink again after that wreck. I've literally lost all desire to do so. If there's one good thing that's come from all this, that's it. I had one hell of a bad drinking problem and it had a lot to do with my marriage failing. Hell, I'd say it was the biggest factor in all that.

[Qingdai]

You know, I am a fan of behavioral therapy for breaking cycles, ending bad habits and stopping coping skills that no longer work. But I can never find a good therapist to recommend to people.
They do describe how it works in the last chapter of "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler though.

As for not having sex, I didn't for 5+ years. It was pretty awkward at first.

[vremya]

I waited for years to go to counseling and looking back, I really wish I hadn't. (Waited so long, that is.) I hated the idea of admitting I couldn't handle what was going on with me and honestly I was ashamed. Once I actually got there and started talking to someone, it was fine.

If your school's service can't help you I bet they can refer you to someplace that can. (That's how I found my current dirt cheap therapist).

[Dingfod]

I went to a counselor as a requirement of my seeking gastric bypass surgery. Talking with her, laughing, telling her my problems in my usual semi-humorous manner, she thought I was okay, that I was handling things very well. Little did she realize, I was dying inside. That was several years ago. I still haven't gotten the surgery and I'm at least 20 pounds heavier than I was then. But I'm handling things very well, or at least okay.

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Megatron

I'll be going to the counseling office tomorrow, if I can just bring myself to open the door. It's not that I think there's some kind of monster waiting in there to devour me, it's just a damn difficult one to open.

Hope it goes well.

Remember you don't have to open the door all the way in the first session - it's only going to work if you connect with the counsellor. You might need more than one session to open up.

[Deadlokd]

Megatron, you could try one of those Meetup groups. Start by connecting with people on an intellectual shared-interest level.

[Dingfod]

Heh. I signed up for a Depression Meetup group. Nobody ever showed up, too depressed, I guess.

[Deadlokd]

Inappropriate but I laughed. I'm a bad human.

[Dingfod]

Unfortunately, it was true. Depressed the hell out of me to be rejected by depressed people.

[Gonzo]

Come to Gonzo's place and smoke some reefer!



I'll tell you, at this point in my life, I am an empty electrical socket. Pretty much null and void. Existent. I interact with outside stimulus only when I have to and I make little effort to feel good or bad about anything. With that said, happiness comes to me through creation and camaderie. I have a wonderful set of siblings and though they aren't all there in the head either, we share DNA and thoughts and feelings. Find people you don't only communicate with on a verbal level, but with telepathy, intuition, and feeling and charish and respect them.

I can't see anything wrong with escapism, myself, as long as you find something that doesn't hurt you and run with it. It could be reading a book or creating or something. I dunno. I have writing. Myself, I've learned to appreciate an uncaring existence. This:

As if that blind rage has washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, I that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much life myself - so like a brother, really - I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate.

I don't think my way is the best there is, either, it is better to face reality for what it is, but I'm perfectly content in my own world. It's selfish, sometimes, I'm sure of that, but it's working and it's kept me alive. The trick is to find something you are passionate about and work at it. Be a creative being. Make use of your troubles, don't allow anyone to bring you down or have control over what your life means to you. The whole world is playing a game of escapism, everybody is pretending. Make sure not to take anyone or anything too seriously. It's all a construct of some big fascist machine. Hell, you were in the military, you know that.


----


I once read a book by Deepak Chopra called Power, Freedom, Grace: Living from the Source of Lasting Happiness, that helped for awhile.

[chunksmediocrites]

I wanted to second Demimonde's earlier post regarding cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive distortions, and Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.

I think it is common to not be aware of how we reinforce our thinking in irrational ways, to our detriment. Having a relatively realistic view- rather than a distorted and exaggerated one- has improved my relationship to myself and my family a lot.

I suffered from long-term depression and drug addiction, and my coping skills were sub-adult for all of my 20's. I still struggle with regressing back into juvenile responses to stress. But since I am usually able to catch myself when I start exaggerating things in my head ("I always/ never; I have to/must/need; I can't," etc.) and better able to identify what I'm thinking, the periods of depression are much shorter and less severe.

I also second writing down your thoughts, as clearly as possible. See what it is you are thinking that leads to your feeling overwhelmed. Some other items:

-List out your coping skills. What do you do to deal with stress? Make a second list of healthy coping skills- take the positive activities from the first list and add others. Some great and healthy coping skills that are vital are exercise. Something that gets your pulse up and keeps it there for short spurts or for a while. This will help change your body chemistry and absolutely fucks up depression's shit. Next is singing. In the shower is okay, but I would recommend singing for at least 20 minutes. If you can't or won't sing, then dance to some kick-ass music for 20 minutes. Either can be a great group activity as well. Also important- laughing. Find the old classics- Newhart, Cosby, Pryor, Carlin- then hit newer stuff. listen to some shit that will make you laugh your ass off. Or watch it on the internet. May I recommend .

-Have same-sex friends. People you can have varying levels of intimacy with- I am using intimacy in the non-sexual meaning here. Someone you go swimming with, someone you play chess with, someone you watch the game with, someone you volunteer with. Quite possibly none of these people will be someone you can open up to about suicidal thoughts. But they are people you can talk to about some part of your life, and human interaction for us social animals helps ground us.

-Find something to like. Everyone can complain all fucking day, and that's boring as shit. When I'm depressed I am negative about way too many things. Find something that is not pollyanna, and mention it to someone else each day. "My history professor pulls the class into some great discussions and gets us all involved."
"I made the best tuna casserole I ever attempted yesterday- all the elements were just right."
"I love the smell outside that pastry shop, and the retail worker there on Tuesdays is a great beauty."

-It turned out I needed help to deal with my depression and my addiction. You may need it too.

-Inventory in your life the people who you know, who love you, and whose opinions you generally value and trust. It is fine if this list is short, long, family, or if you delve into the past. Take their word for it that there is something worthwhile about you, even if you can't see it.

[Megatron]

I will answer some more posts tomorrow, hopefully after at least setting something up at the counseling office. In the meantime...

Originally Posted by Qingdai

As for not having sex, I didn't for 5+ years. It was pretty awkward at first.

Oh dear. Obviously I realize life doesn't revolve around sex, but... I don't even know what I'd do. I would not survive that.

[Plant Woman]

Originally Posted by chunksmediocrites

I think it is common to not be aware of how we reinforce our thinking in irrational ways, to our detriment. Having a relatively realistic view- rather than a distorted and exaggerated one- has improved my relationship to myself and my family a lot.

This reminded me of another exercise to do. Every time the negative thought comes up, ask yourself, is it true? It's weird how we have these thoughts and we believe them. When I take the time to ask, is it true, it makes me focus on the thought. A lot of times I can change the feeling away from a negative one to a neutral thought. Sometimes it takes doing this over and over again for some thoughts, but I feel when I get to the point of neutralizing it, it stops crowding my thoughts.

... I am usually able to catch myself when I start exaggerating things in my head ("I always/ never; I have to/must/need; I can't," etc.) and better able to identify what I'm thinking, the periods of depression are much shorter and less severe.

These are definitely thoughts to ask, is it true? It helped me determine the negative thought loops I put myself through.

-Inventory in your life the people who you know, who love you, and whose opinions you generally value and trust. It is fine if this list is short, long, family, or if you delve into the past. Take their word for it that there is something worthwhile about you, even if you can't see it.

Great idea.