Box of wine fair weather friend, says Chuck

[ChuckF]

That's right. Box of wine screwed me. Oh, it sounded like a good idea when my buddy calls up at 1:30 a.m. saying "Hey, I wanna go out again, but everything's closed." We decide to go to the grocery store (and fast, because they stop selling beer and wine at 2 a.m. here), and grab a little something for domestic consumption.

Since they don't sell liquor, I was going to get some wine and he was going to have some beer. Until we stumbled there 'pon the grail. "Box of wine," I said. "Box of wine," he repeated. I hoisted the 5 liter spigoted-bag-in-a-box to the self-checkout and we were on our way. And I felt like I was 18 again. I thought back to the time that 5 of us in a movie theater - for the second Matrix movie, I believe - smuggled in a 5l bag on someone's chest, and each kept his own 20 oz soda bottle, for clandestine refills whenever necessary.

Now, some people will say that 5 liters of wine, at 12% alcohol, is a lot for two people to drink. Those people are absolutely right. I don't know how long it took or what, but we got really, really hammered. Totally blitzed. It was great.

In the still of the night it loves and cradles you in its warm, baggy embrace with a spigot at one corner. It is your companion of gentle spirit and élan, urging you to jump that fence, go for that swim dammit, if that's what you want! It said unto me "I am box of wine, and upon this rock shall thee do precisely what you please, and no laws of man shall prevail against it."

But box of wine has a dark side. It does nothing to help you in the morning as you lie there, unwilling or unable to move from some demonly compound ere consumed. It does not rub healing salve and ointment into your mysterious bruises, nor does it soothe your mysteriously aching knee. It just sits there, in its cardboard mansion, mocking you, its small red-buttoned tongue occasionally drooling a drop, heretofore inaccessible due to the engineering constraints of a plastic bag. Who knew that a 5 liter bag of wine in a cardboard box, purchased as the awesome price of $13.99, could be so obstinate?

In closing, I find that one must not only appreciate, but embrace the duality of the box of wine. It is sweet and tasty and alcoholic, but it is also a cruel cruel master.

[livius drusus]

I call that comedy. Disturbing, and not a little disgusting, of course, but damn funny.

As for myself, all I can say is Lancers. In the red plastic bottle. And lots of it.

[Dingfod]

You're lucky. At that time of day (night) in Oklahoma, 3.2% beer would be all you could get.

[Ari]

This is why I support the proper keeping of a liquor cabinet. Not only do you not need to go out in the middle of the night to buy stuff, but it will hug you in the morning, as long as you don't question how you fit into it.

I bet wine made the second matrix movie a much better movie.

[RevDahlia]

I admit it, I am fond of box wine, especially the Franzia table white. Alas, my experiences with it have been pretty much identical to Chuck's. It's the most cost-effective drunk on the planet, but the next day... man.

[Roland98]

Never been much of a wine drinker myself, but in college I used to help set up for these hoity-toity weekly Senior Seminar dinners. Basically, the seniors in the college would gather and take turns presenting their senior research, over lobster or prime rib or equally fancy meals. What got me was that with these meals, the drink of choice would be...Franzia. Just didn't seem to fit with the imported cheese, linen tablecloths, and $35k/year tuition.

[livius drusus]

Franzia and prime rib... We live in degraded times, folks, oh yes we do.

[Dingfod]

Franzia, schmanzia. I like my Thunderbird.

[livius drusus]

I hear sterno is tasty.

[Dingfod]

Sterno is haaaarsh. It'll make your whole body go numb and your brain stupid. Trust me, I know.

[godfry n. glad]

Originally Posted by Warren

Sterno is haaaarsh. It'll make your whole body go numb and your brain stupid. Trust me, I know.

Y'know, Warren, that explains a lot.

Sterno and English Leather is a lethal combo.

[Dingfod]

Yeah, but either one can warm you on a cold windy Wyoming night.

[livius drusus]

I know this is random, but were you intentionally thinking Onion article when you came up with the thread title, Chuck? 'Cause substitute "Area Man" for the "Chuck" and it would totally be an Onion headline.

[ChuckF]

I was not, but it certainly would make a good Onion headline. The writing would have to be better, though.

I intended the impersonal, journalistic headline as a reflection of my own experience. In the wooden-mouthed daze of a box-of-wine hangover, the events of the previous evening are better reported by our correspondent in the field. I would not trust myself to recount them with any accuracy or objectivity.

[Sauron]

Originally Posted by Warren

You're lucky. At that time of day (night) in Oklahoma, 3.2% beer would be all you could get.

The obvious solution is to avoid Oklahoma. I try to do so, at every opportunity.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Sauron

The obvious solution is to avoid Oklahoma. I try to do so, at every opportunity.

I done did went and got myself stuck in it, now I cain't get loose.

[RevDahlia]

Originally Posted by ChuckF

I was not, but it certainly would make a good Onion headline. The writing would have to be better, though.

I intended the impersonal, journalistic headline as a reflection of my own experience. In the wooden-mouthed daze of a box-of-wine hangover, the events of the previous evening are better reported by our correspondent in the field. I would not trust myself to recount them with any accuracy or objectivity.

Seriously Chuck, if that post was any funnier I'd be sending you the dry-cleaning bill for my pants. My husband has been wandering around, periodically bellowing "I am [fill in the blank], and upon this rock shall thee do precisely what you please, and no laws of man shall prevail against it!" all day. The blank has been filled with many things, and it gets funnier every time.

[godfry n. glad]

Boxed wine was a critical element in the fall from on high of Oregon Senator Robert (Bob) Packwood. As such, I offer up thanks to boxed wine, even though I never partake.

[Skep]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

I know this is random, but were you intentionally thinking Onion article when you came up with the thread title, Chuck? 'Cause substitute "Area Man" for the "Chuck" and it would totally be an Onion headline.

I thought the thread title read like a cryptic crossword clue.

[ChuckF]

Originally Posted by Skep

I thought the thread title read like a cryptic crossword clue.

10 ACROSS Chuck's papery vino foe, perhaps?

[RevDahlia]

Originally Posted by Skep

I thought the thread title read like a cryptic crossword clue.

Holy shit, it so does! Ha!

[ChuckF]

I was doing some research about the Franzia winery (serious things like revenue, cost structure, etc.), and I came across this. Enjoy, pervs:

[Ari]

Shouldn't that be a white wine then?

[Clutch Munny]

Damn funny, Chuck. I already knew that boxed wine'll turn on you the second you let your guard down, but the reminder was much appreciated.

[AspenMama]

Boxed wine---- La la la --- I can't hear you!!! Horrible horrible swill. Life is too short to drink cheap wine. Rather down a bottle of cough syrup.