Thanksgiving *warning--lonely whining*

*A note before I get to the meat of this entry. There have been so, so many changes that have taken place since Allan's death in November, 2005. I will post about my life since then, soon. I have kept online friends out of the loop, in part because even though it may appear to outsiders that my life has moved forward, it doesn't feel like it, to me. I am stuck in 2005. I think about it constantly, as though I were still living in it, and could change any of the events that happened at the end of that year. If it were possible, I would go back that June and live there forever. I can't believe it's been two years. I am not ready for it to have been two years, yet. Two years since that last hug, two years since I last saw his sweet smile... how could so much time have passed since then? Yet, in the eyes of most of the world, the statute of limitations on grieving has long since run out.

I realize that I cannot truly let my life move forward if I am constantly looking backward. My life has moved forward in many ways, but I'll never feel any peace about the situation until I properly memorialize him. Allan was the best person I've ever known. I loved him (love him still) more than I can express, and when I read over the multitude of poems and posts of his love for me, it brings me to tears. I have tried many times to go through all of his letters and posts to me, but spending any significant amount of time with them pulls me a little deeper into a pit of depression I'm not sure I'll escape. But, there's no time left for excuses. I promised myself I'd set up an extensive memorial website, one that would properly honor him and reflect some of his wit, brilliance, and beauty as a person. I promised myself that I'd write a book about my love and life with him, even if I were the only one to read it. (My attempts to channel his gift of writing have failed, alas). I haven't yet done any of these things, but I need to, before too much more time passes and memories are lost to the sands of time.

So, I'm writing in this blog today as a way to motivate myself to get some thoughts down and get me into the habit of writing about Allan. I am writing this for myself. But, if there's anyone still reading, then I'd like to share a poem that Allan wrote for me for Thanksgiving, 2004. It was shortly after we met in person, but we were still living on opposite sides of the country.

This poem was tucked inside a card he sent me for Thanksgiving.

Confessions of an Aspiring Pirate

Happy Thanksgiving, Jess, my dear!
(I hope you get this sans delay.)
Despite the fact I'm still not there,
I think of you throughout each day...

I miss you so. Should I have kept you?
(I could have been a bit more sly.)
That might have been a felony, true;
But then, we needn't say goodbye!

A "lost" ID, a short delay;
A ticket snafu, like I had dreamed...
So many ways to make you stay;
To keep--and hold--you near, esteemed!

Alas, my plotting skills need work.
I let you leave, and thought it best
To act unlike a selfish jerk
(and to avoid a quick arrest!)

I let you go... should I regret?
(Too late to change the past, I know.)
But then again, who could forget
That kiss, when parting weeks ago?

I said "goodbye"; I didn't meanthat.
"I'll see you soon" was my sole thought.
Awhile more, we'll talk and chat.
And then, I'll cuddle you, a lot!"


I bet you thought you were safe from his poetry, but now it comes at you from beyond the grave! Haha.

Anyway, I learned later that his family had never celebrated Thanksgiving, and that he'd never tried any traditional Thanksgiving food. He'd never tried turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, or any of it. I was shocked, but part of the fun of being with Allan was that there were so many things that were part of the majority culture that he had never tried, things like root beer, and corn dogs, and air hockey. I could expose him to all sorts of things that were new to him, and it was as fun as trying it for the first time, myself.

I had looked forward to making a traditional Thanksgiving meal, albeit smaller, since it would have been just the two of us. But, fate had other plans. As the lyric goes:

"And it came to me then, that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to Father Time"

-Death Cab for Cutie
"What Sarah Said"

We may not have had the chance to spend Thanksgiving together, but I am thinking of him on this day, as always. I am thankful that I got to spend the time with him that I did, and I'll try not to be too bitter today that it wasn't longer.

By the way, the card he sent read:

"There's no distance warm wishes can't travel."

"Though the distance
that's between us
in miles may be quite far,
Today you seem so very close--
because, in thought, you are.

Happy Thanksgiving"

You're always with me in thought, honey. Happy Thanksgiving.