[Vivisectus]

As we can now all see, the validity of this perfectly geographical idea is being denied by people whose bias does not allow them to see that eating more woodpecker is the only thing standing between us and extinction from climate change. Despite having been shown the evidence in the form of a penetrating discernment, delivered by someone who is a confirmed smartypants and who has spent an amount of time thinking about it, this knowledge is still being labelled as patent nonsense, despite the fact that the empirical tests that would totally confirm it have not yet been done. Clearly no-one is giving me the chance to explain that I am way smerter than they are before dismissing this wonderful new knowledge out of hand.

But this is only to be expected, as I have not yet shown the third wonderful discovery that can be found in the dark and crusty crevice clumsily marked “woodpeckers are not birds” in large smears of crayon.

The third revelation, which came to me in a flash after trying to manage one of those particularly challenging bowel-movements that make you wish you had installed handholds on the side of your toilet, in that moment of enlightenment and bliss that is inevitably and rudely marred by the sobering backsplash of toilet-water hitting one’s backside, is one that so far has remained hidden from mankind. It is hidden behind the door that says: Humans are not individuals.

You may say: what do you mean humans are not individuals? I am indeed an individual; I have many traits which are not shared by my fellow man! I am a unique person, and there is in fact no-one like me!

Indeed it may seem so, but as a matter of fact you are a cog in a machine, a part of a larger system, and what is worse and more worrying to many people is this: a larger amount of you is part of the machine than the amount of you that is you. You share more traits with the rest of the cogs than you have traits that are unique. Humans are not individuals.

Imagine a cogwheel that can think. If you saw it, would you consider it a cogwheel, or a random shape that has many of it’s own characteristics? Naturally you would see a toothed wheel, of a certain size, fitting into a number of similarly shaped wheels. You would not notice its many interesting notches, misshapen teeth, and other idiosyncratic features that make it different from all the other ones. In fact, you would just see a cogwheel. The wheel itself would probably feel differently, as it is taught to consider its many differences of paramount importance, as it has been taught to think of itself as an individual. However, this is mere illusion, as the parts of any person that DO match the greater system are of infinitely more importance than the ones that do not.

To prove this point to yourself, imagine an amazingly wise and fatherly person who you would totally accept vaguely smug and self-satisfied advice from having the following conversation with you:

“Ah Megalonarcis, you say that Humans are not Individuals, but I do not believe this can be so. Surely I am different from all my fellow men!”

“I know it is hard to believe, Oligorchis, but let me ask you this: Do you like bad things?”

“Truly, Megalonarcis, I do not! What a strange but compelling question. Do tell me more!”

“Now, Oligorchis, tell me this: Do you like bad things?”

“How masterfully you are manoeuvring me into the narrow corner of truth, o Megalonarcis! Verily I must confess that I do not!”
“Then how can you say you are an individual? All humans dislike bad things, and like good things”

“Ah, Megalonarcis, you set a cunning snare, but you have made an oversight: I do like things that are a little bad, like watching the goils in the Gymnasium that are too young for me!”

“Surely you do, Oligorchis – but your dislike of big bad things is ten times greater than your like of small bad things, and so from the point of view of the system as a whole, you are just another human being, predictable in any system as long as you keep it simple enough.”

“I am amazed and must confess you totally right, and also, awesome!”

So you see – while we think of ourselves as individuals, this is really only true when you consider that individual by itself. When seen as part of a largely uniform group, more traits will match those of the group than will be purely individual. This means that on the whole, man is not an individual – he is part of a system. If we can create a simple system that does Good Things, we will have solved all of our problems.

How does this follow from Woodpeckers are not Birds? Simple. Just as we are taught to think that woodpeckers are birds, we are taught that we are individuals. We are taught, against all reason, that we have unique traits and features that cannot be defined, that cannot be caught in mere simplistic definitions, that transcend the simple pattern-seeking properties of our brains and make us just a little more than mere cogwheels in a huge system that will roll on whether we are here or not. That we are just a little more than mere animals following simple desires and satisfactions. That, just maybe, we can create, if only for ourselves, just a little bit more than mere mechanical existence and strive to be in that magical place where instinct meets imagination.

This, as we have just shown, is nonsense. We are cogwheels in a system that needs ironing out so that from now on, we will all just be able to run along predictable lines for all eternity. So why don’t we? This will be the subject of the next wonderful revelation.