The reclassification of zombies

[Miisa]

Inspired by a discussion JoeP and I had on the phone after his post on the 10000-year old zombies, I still felt it best to start a new thread on this important topic, as it is less history, or even popular culture (maybe science?) than pressing matters of general interest and deserved its own topic.


The consensus (or my argument anyway) is that there needs to be a reclassification of possibly undead lumbering creatures who chase you in hordes and try to eat or at least bite you. Lumping them all together is completely uncharacteristic of humanity which goes out of its way to classify every beetle with slightly off colouration as its own species. They should of course also have their own names. Modern fiction writers appear to have grasped this important fact by avoiding the z-word altogether in such works as The Walking Dead.
There are several types, three spring to mind right away, though I could be missing some.

1: The Haitian Zombie. May or may not be supernatural, could be further divided into
a. Dead people raised from the dead and controlled by voodooesque priests
b. People drugged and presumed dead, only to be used as slaves by voodooesque priests.

2: The risen from the dead ghoulish supernatural beings, possibly actually previous dead risen from their graves, certainly those who are bitten and die of the subsequent infection and are re-animated. These creatures are effectively immortal, as long as the brain is intact, as starvation, disease, blood loss or limb/body loss seems not to faze them in any way. Can possibly be further separated into
a. slow
b. fast

3: The infected people who never really died, but are rather acting under the influence of some virus (rabies-like, if you will) to spread the infection as much as possible until they also do die.
a: These actually have died, but something seems to reanimate them. A little less interesting as it tends to pull supernatural elements in and blend with type 2 to produce eternal walkers.
b: Pure medical/sciency mind control viruses or fungi. Usually always fatal after aggressive transmission phase

Also, brain-eating makes no sense from a biological perspective if the pathogen resides in the brain, as it would try to make the subject infect others, but leave brains as intact as possible. Therefore the "Braiiiins!" zombie is completely unrealistic.