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  #651  
Old 01-25-2023, 11:03 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 15:
Quote:
My wife and I [he said] were going to take an excursion trip by ship. We had the tickets and were on the gangplank, when a sudden qualm overcame me. I had the strongest presentiment of disaster. When I hung back, my wife asked what the matter was. I told her and she at once admitted to having the same presentiment.

Without another word, we stepped out of line and went home. The excursion ship took off without us, went and returned safely, and everyone on board had a wonderful time.
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  #652  
Old 01-25-2023, 11:05 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Isaac Asimov joke no. 16 (one of the better ones, I think):
Quote:
In the days when the sun never set on Britain's empire, a servant of the crown was stationed in Khartoum. The central square of the city was graced with a dramatic equestrian statue of General Charles George Gordon, who died heroically in 1885 when Khartoum fell to the troops of the Mahdi after a ten-month siege. Converted into stone, Gordon now forever would survey the city from the back of his spirited horse.

The British civil servant, surcharged with the spirit of imperial obligation, made it his business to impress his son with the impor- tance of the statue. "That is Gordon," he said to his boy, and bowed his own head in amoment of reverence.

The boy loved the statue and few were the days when he did not run to the to take look at Gordon. When the time came for the civil servant to be transferred from Khartoum to Lahore, the boy's last deed before leaving was to proceed to the square to take a reverent farewell of Gordon. His father's eyes misted over at this action of his boy, and his heart swelled at the thought that within the lad's chest there beat the heart of a true Englishman. On board the steamer to Lahore, the boy turned to his father thoughtfully and said, "Father, I have a question I have always wanted to ask." "Yes, my son?"

"It concerns Gordon. There's one thing I don't understand." "What is that, my son?"

"Tell me. Who is that silly man who sits on Gordon?"
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  #653  
Old 01-27-2023, 06:27 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 17:
Quote:
It was in early 1962, on the day when John Glenn became the first American to go into orbit and the nation went wild over his feat of remaining in outer space for three revolutions. The next day, Sadie, bubbling with excitement, said to her friend, Becky, "And what do you think of John Glenn?"

Becky raised her eyebrows. "Who?"

Sadie, astonished at the other's lack of knowledge, said, "John Glenn! John Glenn! He just went around the world three times."

Becky shrugged. "Well, if you have the money, you can afford to travel."

Last edited by ShottleBop; 01-28-2023 at 03:22 AM.
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  #654  
Old 01-27-2023, 06:33 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 18:
Quote:
At a military social function, the commanding general of the base delivered a welcoming oration in orotund fashion. A young second lieutenant, listening with extreme disfavor, muttered to the woman at his side, "What a pompous and unbearable old windbag that slob is. The woman turned to him at once and said, "Lieutenant, do you know who I am?"

"No, ma'am."

"I am the wife of that unbearable old windbag, as you call him."

"Indeed," said the young lieutenant, looking stern, "and do you know who I am?"

"No, I don't," said the general's wife. "Thank God," said the lieutenant, and he melted into the crowd.
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  #655  
Old 01-27-2023, 06:35 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 19:
Quote:
Professor White, a respected Shakespearian scholar, in the evening of his life had decided to accept a position with a small woman's college. The schedule was undemanding compared to his former position at Harvard and would allow him much more time to write his definitive book on the Bard and his works.

The faculty wives were surprised, however, and badgered Mrs. White with questions. One in particular wondered, hesitantly, if Mrs. White felt it was entirely wise to have her husband lecturing to classes of young college girls in these days of campus unrest and revolutionary attitudes toward morals.

Mrs. White flushed, and said icily, "If you are implying that my husband would be tempted to misbehave with young ladies in his classes, you don't know what you're talking about. The professor is too great a gentleman to make such behavior conceivable. He is too decent, too rational, too fine, too fastidious in his morality, and most of all, most of all, he is too old."

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  #656  
Old 01-28-2023, 04:48 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 20 (edited):
Quote:
Moskowitz and Finkelstein met in the garment district one day, each obviously weighted down with gloom. Moskowitz spoke first. With a deep sigh of agony, he said:

"Finkelstein, my friend, I have just lived through a summer the like of which I never thought I would see. June was already a disaster. Never in my entire business career have I seen a June like that. Yet when July came I realized that June had been quite good, for with July I went down through the floor and into the subbasement. July was absolutely unbelievable and indescribable and when I tell you-

But by now Finkelstein had broken in. "For heaven's sake, Moskowitz, why are you coming to me with these piddling matters? If you want a tale of real trouble, here it is. Yesterday [INSERT ASSERTED FAMILY "TRAGEDY" BASED ON A CHILD'S ANNOUNCEMENT OF YOUR CHOICE]. What can be worse than that?"

"I'll tell you," said Moskowitz. "August!"
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  #657  
Old 01-29-2023, 12:36 AM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 21:
Quote:
Cabot Martingale, a Boston Brahmin of the staunchest sort had, as it happened, never seen, or even read, any play by Shakespeare. When this fact came out, his friends were appalled, and one of them brought him a Complete Works of the great man. "You simply must read this," he said.

Weeks later, the two met again, and the friend said, "Well, Martingale, have you read any of Shakespeare?"

"Every word," said the Brahmin. "Every word." "And what did you think of him?"

"Why, I thought the man extraordinary. His ability with the language was almost beyond belief. I don't think there are twenty men in Boston who could equal him."
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  #658  
Old 01-29-2023, 12:40 AM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 22:
Quote:
Joe was sitting on the corner stool at the bar, sunk in misery. The bartender said, "You look awful, friend. What's your problem?" Joe stared into his whiskey and said, "I'm tired of being a social outcast. I'm with the circus, you see, and clean up the animal cages. The result is that I can't help smelling a little. Naturally, people avoid me and I don't like it."

The bartender sniffed. "Yes, I see what you mean and I've got to admit it's not the best fragrance in the world. But look here, there are openings down at the factory. You could get yourself a job there that will probably pay better than your circus position."

"What!" said Joe, outraged. "And leave show business?"
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  #659  
Old 01-29-2023, 12:49 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShottleBop View Post
Isaac Asimov joke no. 22:
Quote:
Joe was sitting on the corner stool at the bar, sunk in misery. The bartender said, "You look awful, friend. What's your problem?" Joe stared into his whiskey and said, "I'm tired of being a social outcast. I'm with the circus, you see, and clean up the animal cages. The result is that I can't help smelling a little. Naturally, people avoid me and I don't like it."

The bartender sniffed. "Yes, I see what you mean and I've got to admit it's not the best fragrance in the world. But look here, there are openings down at the factory. You could get yourself a job there that will probably pay better than your circus position."

"What!" said Joe, outraged. "And leave show business?"
I've heard that one before, this is a classic, as these types of jokes go.
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  #660  
Old 01-29-2023, 09:31 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 23:
Quote:
Mrs. Moskowitz, distraught, ran along the beach toward the lifeguard, pointing out to see and screaming, "Help! Help! My son the doctor is drowning!
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  #661  
Old 01-29-2023, 09:33 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 24:
Quote:
"You know," said Moskowitz, "being a doctor these days isn't so great. There are some kinds of scientists with much more prestige. I think lots of Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead of doctors."

"Never," said his friend Finkelstein.

"Why not?"

"Because," said Finkelstein, "it's too hard to say 'My son, the nuclear physicist.'"
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  #662  
Old 01-29-2023, 11:35 PM
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I'm watching this movie, "Ideal Home," on Amazon Prime. It's about a kid whose father gets arrested, and sends him to live with his grandfather in Santa Fe. Grandfather is in a long-term relationship with Paul Rudd. Fun take on a by-the-numbers plot. This still shows the name of an art gallery the principals take the kid to for a show.
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  #663  
Old 01-31-2023, 08:57 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 25:
Quote:
At the meeting of the local Hadassah, Mrs. Moskowitz was making a report on the progress of the Americanization of the membership. "In the last month," she said, pronouncing her English with meticulous care, "no less than five of our members have received their nat-- their nat-ur-al-- their nat--". At which point, the lady president leaned forward impatiently and said in a hoarse whisper, "Mrs. Moskowitz, don't be fancy and say already, in plain Yiddish, 'tzitizenship papers.'"
I think Asimov's notes regarding that joke are funnier:
Quote:
The confusion in languages in a melting subculture sometimes has its tragicomic sides. When my father first arrived in the United States from Russia, he was overwhelmed at his new illiteracy. The world was suddenly full of signs he could notunderstand. The very letters were strange, for they were neither of the Hebrew nor of the Cyrillic alphabet. And then he noticed a sign in Hebrew letters before a store-front. He hastened toward it in order to read it and restore the sensation of literacy, which naturally he valued. But when he got there he found himself in worse straits than ever. The sign was indeed in Hebrew letters and he could read it, but what he read (literally) was "Vindehz gefikst," and it left him in despair for he could not understand it. It was only long afterward, when he had begun to learn English, that he came to realize that he had stumbled on a place where they "fixed windows."

Something in reverse happened to me recently when I received a copy of one of my own books published in Israel in (naturally) a Hebrew translation. I can't understand Hebrew, but I know the Hebrew alphabet and can pronounce some of the words. I searched for my own name, therefore, eager to see the first name in its original Hebrew form, Itzchak. (Sorry, but it is unpronounceable in English.)

I found it all right, but to my annoyance the Hebrew publisher had carefully chosen the Hebrew letters in such a way that my first name was pronounced "Isaac," exactly as in English.

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  #664  
Old 01-31-2023, 08:58 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 26:
Quote:
The indignant soldier, barely into his basic training, was writing a furious letter to his Congressman, detailing all the various indignities and evils to which he was being subjected. At one point, he waxed almost lyrical--"And the food, sir, I can describe only as slop. I wouldn't feed it to pigs for fear they would get sick to their stomachs and die of it. It would be rejected by any decent garbage man. And to make matters still worse, they serve such small portions."
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  #665  
Old 02-02-2023, 04:34 AM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 27:
Quote:
There are some cities which have a general reputation for being unexciting. Perhaps the largest city to suffer from this canard is Philadelphia.

At least there is the case of the television quiz show that announced a first prize in which the contestant would be awarded a one-week, all-expenses-paid vacation in Philadelphia. For second prize there would be a two-week, all-expenses-paid vacation in Philadelphia.
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  #666  
Old 02-06-2023, 12:35 AM
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Isaac Asimove joke no. 28:
Quote:
The great man-and-wife acting team of Alfred Lunt and Lynn Fontanne made just one motion picture, The Guardsman. On the day of the première, Lunt was sick in bed and couldn't go. Miss Fontanne went alone and returned, distraught.

She was already talking as she came in, and almost weeping with despair.

"Alfred," she said, "it was a total disaster. I cannot imagine what the photographer can have been thinking of, or the director. For some I came out as an ugly witch, with my makeup all wrong, my cheeks cadaverous, my hair a mess. The sound system managed to make my voice sound half a squeak and half a groan. You at least were fine in every respect, except for a tendency to have thin lips for some reason, but I was impossible. The close-ups were invariably taken at such an angle that all you could see of me were my nostrils, or else my eyelashes cast such shadows that I looked as though I had large bags under both eyes. I shall certainly never be able to hold up my head again in public and I intend to go into retirement at once." And, thoughtfully, Lunt said, "Thin lips, eh?"
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  #667  
Old 02-06-2023, 12:36 AM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 29:
Quote:
The young lady whom Jones had just met seemed delightful. She had beauty, charm, and intelligence. She was highly educated and had a keen sense of humor. He praised her and she cheerfully agreed to all the virtues which he attributed to her. Nervously, Jones suggested they retire to her apartment and was ecstatic when she agreed.

She took him to a fancy apartment house in the best part of town and up they went to the penthouse. But when the door opened, there in the middle of the living room floor lay a dead horse. The young lady, observing the shocked look of horror on Jones' face, said defensively, "Well, I never claimed to be neat."
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  #668  
Old 02-06-2023, 12:38 AM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 30:
Quote:
The sergeant was briefing the rookie paratroopers. "We're going to go over the target at three hundred feet and then jump." One of the rookies raised his hand. "Isn't that a bit high, Sergeant? Two hundred feet might be safer."

"It would be less safe," said the sergeant impatiently, "You have to allow room for the parachutes to open."

"Oh," said the rookie, "parachutes!"
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  #669  
Old 02-07-2023, 01:19 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 31:
Quote:
Jones, a wealthy financier, had on many an occasion in the good old days, when trains were flourishing and coaches were the last word in technological luxury, crossed the continent by Pullman. He was well known and well served and was accustomed to every convenience, particularly when dining. Imagine his exasperation, then, when it turned out that the chef did not have tutti-frutti ice cream.

"No tutti-frutti?" he shouted. "I always have tutti-frutti." "I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, soothingly. "We have chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, black walnut, cherry, mocha almond- "I want tutti-frutti," cried Jones, banging the table and turning red. "I have always had tutti-frutti and I won't have anything else."

For miles he muttered, scowled, growled, and snarled at everyone, so that every train employee on board had visions of angry reprisals. Finally, the train stopped at a station; a word to the conductor kept it there while the crew scoured the town for tutti-frutti ice cream.

Finally, a whole pint of the delicious concoction was obtained and all of it was presented to Jones, with huge gobs of cherry sauce on it, together with a sliced banana and a swirl of whipped cream.

"Here is your tutti-frutti ice cream, Mr. Jones," said an obsequious waiter. Jones looked at it with a scowl, then with a sudden swipe of his arm hurled it to the floor, shouting, "T'd rather have my grievance."
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  #670  
Old 02-08-2023, 02:21 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 32:
Quote:
The young lieutenant was drilling his platoon under the eyes of a ferociously scowling colonel. The lieutenant's nerve was trickling away under his senior's fierce glance and his voice was beginning to break. Finally, having completed an intricate maneuver, the lieutenant found the entire platoon marching, eight abreast, toward the edge of a cliff.

He broke down completely at that and stared at the marching men, frozen and helpless.

And the colonel finally barked, "Good heavens, man, at least say good-bye to them."
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  #671  
Old 02-08-2023, 02:24 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 33
Quote:
The young lieutenant was putting his company through its paces and was none too sure of himself. To his horror, he suddenly realized the men were marching stolidly toward a fence.

"Company-y-y halt!" he called out, voice cracking. Then, "At ease." Now came the hard part. How was he to order them across the fence in proper military fashion?

He studied the fence and then said, "Company-y-y, fall out!" The men promptly broke formation.

The lieutenant then said, "Company-y-y, fall in- on the other side of the fence."
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  #672  
Old 02-08-2023, 02:30 PM
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To complete the hat-trick of lieutenant jokes, Isaac Asimov joke no. 34:
Quote:
The newly minted lieutenants were undergoing an oral examination from a hard-bitten colonel. Up and down the line he went, saying to each one in turn, "You are going to have to pitch a tent. What is your first order?"

Under the colonel's frosty eye, lieutenant after lieutenant shriveled and fell mute. One attempted to answer, "Break out tent equipment," but was cut off at once. And then finally the colonel reached the class goof-off and low- scorer in all things military. "Well, lieutenant," said the colonel, "if you were going to pitch a tent, what would be your first order?"

The lieutenant snapped to rigid attention and barked, "Sir. My first order would be my only order. It would be 'Sergeant, pitch a tent!"
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  #673  
Old 02-11-2023, 05:29 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 35
Quote:
[Asimov's intro:
Quote:
How rapidly times change and headline favorites give way. There was a time in the nineteen forties when Vyacheslav Molotov was Soviet foreign minister. He was a shrewd man and a hard bargainer but of course it was the dictator, Joseph Stalin, who was boss.
#35

A story (undoubtedly apocryphal) tells that Molotov was once overheard talking to Stalin by trans-Atlantic telephone during the course of some very intricate negotiations with the West. He said, "Yes, Comrade Stalin," in quiet tones, then again, "Yes, Comrade Stalin," and then, after a considerable wait, "Certainly, Comrade Stalin."

Suddenly he was galvanized into emotion. "No, Comrade Stalin," he barked. "No. That, no. Definitely, no."

After a while, he quieted and it was "Yes, Comrade Stalin," again. The reporter who overheard this was probably never so excited in his life. Clearly, Molotov was daring to oppose the dictator on at least one point, and it would surely be important to the West to know what that point might be. The reporter approached Molotov and said as calmly as possible, "Secretary Molotov, I could not help but hear you say at one point, 'No, Comrade Stalin."" Molotov turned his cold eyes on the reporter and said, "What of it?"

"May I ask," said the reporter, cautiously, "what the subject under discussion was at that time?"

"You may. Comrade Stalin asked me if there was anything which he had said with which I disagreed."
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  #674  
Old 02-11-2023, 05:30 PM
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Isaac Asimov joke no. 36:
Quote:
It is reported that Madame De Gaulle, in bed one night, said, "My God, it's cold."

To which her husband, lying stiffly by her side, replied, "In bed, Madame, you may call me Charles."
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  #675  
Old 02-11-2023, 05:31 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

And no. 37:
Quote:
It is also reported that De Gaulle once stated proudly to President Johnson, "My mission to save France came to me directly from God." And Johnson answered quietly, "Strange! I don't recall ever giving you any such mission."
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Crumb (02-12-2023), Sock Puppet (02-13-2023)
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