Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!"
This guy is cruising down a country road, and he sees a strange feathered blur appear in the rear-view mirror. It overtakes and disappears.
"WTF?" He steps on the gas, and at 60 he's gaining enough to bring it back in view. It's a chicken and it's going like the clappers. He draws up closer and sees how it is that this chicken runs so fast - it has three legs! He's tailgating a 3-legged chicken at 60mph!
Suddenly the chicken veers off down a narrow track on the right. He slams on the brakes, backs up, and turns to follow. The track ends outside a farmhouse where the farmer is leaning on his gate chewing on a wheat stalk. There's no sign of the chicken.
"Morning" grunts the farmer.
"And to you, sir." The man continues, "Say, did you see a chicken just dash through here?"
"I reckon I did"
"Doing 60mph? " Our man hesitates. "With ... 3 legs?"
"Yes" the farmer laughs "That'll be one of our specials. We breed 'em here"
"Specials? How come?"
"Well..." The farmer shifts the stalk to other side of his mouth and begins his tale.
"We've always been fond of our roast chicken. I particularly like the leg. And my wife, she's partial to a leg. And my son, he also likes a leg. So we breeds 'em. With 3 legs."
"Wow!" The visitor is amazed. "And do they taste good?"
"I dunno" says the farmer, "We've never caught one ..."
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Seņora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Seņora, the gardener did."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he’s busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter,' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher..
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
So the Priest asked: "What did you do?"
"I committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?", the Rabbi asked.
"I committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Once."
And the Rabbi replied: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
"A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now
for allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.
That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal
the herpes virus instead of going out and catching it in the
wild like everyone else."
-Jay Leno
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
One day, a man approached the White House and said to the Marine on duty at the gate, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'
Here's a joke from the ancient Greek joke book I posted:
A student dunce runs into another dunce and exclaims: 'I heard you were dead!
'Look, you see that I'm alive!' responds the other.
'But the guy who told me you were dead is much more trustworthy than you.'
Re: Somebody Tell A Joke
Sorry, I don't get it.
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