New And Improved Rant Thread, now with 50% more profanity!

[Ymir's blood]

Originally Posted by curses

Why do you think it took me so damn long to getting around to going to college?

[curses]

Nah, it was drugs, duh.

[Ymir's blood]

Same difference.

[Angakuk]

Video games are an opiate for the masses.

[Sophia]

Originally Posted by Angakuk

Video games are an opiate for the masses.

Anything can be. Just don't overdo it. (Or overjew it, as with FF.)

[Crumb]

Originally Posted by Angakuk

Video games are an opiate for the masses.

[Pyrrho]

I do not ever want to hear the words innovation, cutting edge, differentiation, creativity, and other high-sounding buzzwords from the mouths of our executives ever again. They have demonstrated that they simply do not understand what those words mean.

I work for clueless idiots who think that rubber-band pop-up boxes are modern, cutting-edge communication tools. Idiots who continually yap about thinking outside the box yet continually barf up the same ideas time after time after time, who continually resort to doing the same things over and over again and who think that announcing promotions the week after cutting staff will raise morale and that if only we could just wow the client with spiffy PowerPoint slides we will become like this hyper-successful company.

Meanwhile they can't get the content for the web site finished because they're fretting over which buzzwords to put in. As if clichés win business.

I want to work with grownups for a change. I'm tired of these immature micromanaging twits.

[JoeP]

That is a cutting-edge post that will truly differentiate this thread from the competition, Mr Pyro. If you can work it into a few PowerPoint slides by COB, that would be great. I'll schedule a reach-out to the core innovation team at 8pm and we'll get this rant on the road.

[mulebear]

I have two conference calls today. The first call will be about the second call and why it is important to be in attendance, followed by a lot of bitching about people not following instructions. Then there will be ten minutes of idiot talk.

"Okay, so I dial the same number, but there is a different pass code?"
"Oh, okay. Do I have to hit the pound sign?"
"Should I be on mute? What if I want to ask a question?"
"Do you want me to email you after the call to let you know that I was on the call?"*


The second call will be filled with business speak about action items, driving the business, moving things forward, major players, workstreams, prethinking, and other yawn inducing crap. The best part will be the 30 minute conversation about staying productive.

* Actually heard on the last call.

[freemonkey]

prethinking?

[vremya]

You could take a drink every time you hear a buzzword, like incentivize (I hate that word), stakeholder, work smarter not harder, etc. That may make it more fun.

[Vivisectus]

Don't forget to maximize facetime, proactively pursue things, have a holistic approach to the challenges, interface with the different teams, and streamline the processes and the workflows too. That is very important.

The problem with me is that I spendway too much time on those calls being the only Indian in a call full of Chiefs. At the end of it, the conclusion is generally that there is a priority list of stuff we need Viv to do now, a list of stuff Viv can do later, and future things for viv to do that are part of the strategic approach. The only other person that "takes away actions" (another good one) is the project manager. Project management seems to mainly involve sending out the invite for the next call, and making a list of bullet points of Stuff We Want Viv To Do.

And then they all congratulate themselves on a job well done - a productive call.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by mulebear

"Do you want me to email you after the call to let you know that I was on the call?"*


* Actually heard on the last call.

We do this all the time for calls where a large number of people need to be in attendance, but not everyone will necessarily have a lot to say. So, I typically join the call, put it on mute, send an email to the organizer saying I'm there, and then browse for an hour.

Originally Posted by vremya

...incentivize (I hate that word)...

Why does no one like "incentivize"? I love it. It's a more elegant way to say "to create an incentive for".

[Doctor X]

--J.D.

[vremya]

Originally Posted by Adam

Why does no one like "incentivize"? I love it. It's a more elegant way to say "to create an incentive for".

Arrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Adam

Why does no one like "incentivize"?

Because they haven't been sufficiently incentivised to like it.

[Angakuk]

There is no proper motivation for using incentivize.

[Pyrrho]

Originally Posted by freemonkey

prethinking?

That's what you do so you can capture key learnings.

[Pyrrho]

Since my last rant, I've been assigned to the Vision Statement Task Force. Our 5-week mission: to develop a new vision statement for the company. "We will also be producing a couple marketing pieces." Right. These people can't even manage to compose a proper English sentence, and they're going to write a mission statement.

Kill me now. Send my stereo to Doctor X.

[JoeP]

You have my deepest sympathy.

I think you should adopt a private mission ... to undermine the vision statement efforts. You need a personal goal like: get the team to create a vision statement they will all buy into, but which is in fact so ludicrous it becomes an internet meme.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

[Janet]

I like that idea. We once did a game called Hidden Agendas for staff development day. you got a pile of legos and had to build a wall, but some people were assigned hidden agendas like "no yellow bricks next to a green brick" or "always two red bricks in a row". When we practiced the exercise I noticed someone always separating the green from the blue, so I made a point to put them together to make her do more work. Because I'm evil.

[Qingdai]

I basically view mission statements as what they are failing to do.

Here's ours:

Transforming healthcare by educating highly skilled
and compassionate practitioners, providing exemplary
patient care, and engaging in innovative research
within a community of service and healing.

[Angakuk]

A community of caring Christian people gathered together around a common commitment to enriching their pastor.

I tried to get my parish to adopt this mission statement, but they were unaccountably reluctant to do so. Go figure!

[BrotherMan]

We do stuff like all those other guys except we don't waste time making up bullshit sentences so we can focus on screwing around on the internet.