Somebody Tell A Joke

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 15:

My wife and I [he said] were going to take an excursion trip by ship. We had the tickets and were on the gangplank, when a sudden qualm overcame me. I had the strongest presentiment of disaster. When I hung back, my wife asked what the matter was. I told her and she at once admitted to having the same presentiment.

Without another word, we stepped out of line and went home. The excursion ship took off without us, went and returned safely, and everyone on board had a wonderful time.

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Isaac Asimov joke no. 16 (one of the better ones, I think):

In the days when the sun never set on Britain's empire, a servant of the crown was stationed in Khartoum. The central square of the city was graced with a dramatic equestrian statue of General Charles George Gordon, who died heroically in 1885 when Khartoum fell to the troops of the Mahdi after a ten-month siege. Converted into stone, Gordon now forever would survey the city from the back of his spirited horse.

The British civil servant, surcharged with the spirit of imperial obligation, made it his business to impress his son with the impor- tance of the statue. "That is Gordon," he said to his boy, and bowed his own head in amoment of reverence.

The boy loved the statue and few were the days when he did not run to the to take look at Gordon. When the time came for the civil servant to be transferred from Khartoum to Lahore, the boy's last deed before leaving was to proceed to the square to take a reverent farewell of Gordon. His father's eyes misted over at this action of his boy, and his heart swelled at the thought that within the lad's chest there beat the heart of a true Englishman. On board the steamer to Lahore, the boy turned to his father thoughtfully and said, "Father, I have a question I have always wanted to ask." "Yes, my son?"

"It concerns Gordon. There's one thing I don't understand." "What is that, my son?"

"Tell me. Who is that silly man who sits on Gordon?"

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Isaac Asimov joke no. 17:

It was in early 1962, on the day when John Glenn became the first American to go into orbit and the nation went wild over his feat of remaining in outer space for three revolutions. The next day, Sadie, bubbling with excitement, said to her friend, Becky, "And what do you think of John Glenn?"

Becky raised her eyebrows. "Who?"

Sadie, astonished at the other's lack of knowledge, said, "John Glenn! John Glenn! He just went around the world three times."

Becky shrugged. "Well, if you have the money, you can afford to travel."

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Isaac Asimov joke no. 18:

At a military social function, the commanding general of the base delivered a welcoming oration in orotund fashion. A young second lieutenant, listening with extreme disfavor, muttered to the woman at his side, "What a pompous and unbearable old windbag that slob is. The woman turned to him at once and said, "Lieutenant, do you know who I am?"

"No, ma'am."

"I am the wife of that unbearable old windbag, as you call him."

"Indeed," said the young lieutenant, looking stern, "and do you know who I am?"

"No, I don't," said the general's wife. "Thank God," said the lieutenant, and he melted into the crowd.

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Isaac Asimov joke no. 19:

Professor White, a respected Shakespearian scholar, in the evening of his life had decided to accept a position with a small woman's college. The schedule was undemanding compared to his former position at Harvard and would allow him much more time to write his definitive book on the Bard and his works.

The faculty wives were surprised, however, and badgered Mrs. White with questions. One in particular wondered, hesitantly, if Mrs. White felt it was entirely wise to have her husband lecturing to classes of young college girls in these days of campus unrest and revolutionary attitudes toward morals.

Mrs. White flushed, and said icily, "If you are implying that my husband would be tempted to misbehave with young ladies in his classes, you don't know what you're talking about. The professor is too great a gentleman to make such behavior conceivable. He is too decent, too rational, too fine, too fastidious in his morality, and most of all, most of all, he is too old."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 20 (edited):

Moskowitz and Finkelstein met in the garment district one day, each obviously weighted down with gloom. Moskowitz spoke first. With a deep sigh of agony, he said:

"Finkelstein, my friend, I have just lived through a summer the like of which I never thought I would see. June was already a disaster. Never in my entire business career have I seen a June like that. Yet when July came I realized that June had been quite good, for with July I went down through the floor and into the subbasement. July was absolutely unbelievable and indescribable and when I tell you-

But by now Finkelstein had broken in. "For heaven's sake, Moskowitz, why are you coming to me with these piddling matters? If you want a tale of real trouble, here it is. Yesterday [INSERT ASSERTED FAMILY "TRAGEDY" BASED ON A CHILD'S ANNOUNCEMENT OF YOUR CHOICE]. What can be worse than that?"

"I'll tell you," said Moskowitz. "August!"

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 21:

Cabot Martingale, a Boston Brahmin of the staunchest sort had, as it happened, never seen, or even read, any play by Shakespeare. When this fact came out, his friends were appalled, and one of them brought him a Complete Works of the great man. "You simply must read this," he said.

Weeks later, the two met again, and the friend said, "Well, Martingale, have you read any of Shakespeare?"

"Every word," said the Brahmin. "Every word." "And what did you think of him?"

"Why, I thought the man extraordinary. His ability with the language was almost beyond belief. I don't think there are twenty men in Boston who could equal him."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 22:

Joe was sitting on the corner stool at the bar, sunk in misery. The bartender said, "You look awful, friend. What's your problem?" Joe stared into his whiskey and said, "I'm tired of being a social outcast. I'm with the circus, you see, and clean up the animal cages. The result is that I can't help smelling a little. Naturally, people avoid me and I don't like it."

The bartender sniffed. "Yes, I see what you mean and I've got to admit it's not the best fragrance in the world. But look here, there are openings down at the factory. You could get yourself a job there that will probably pay better than your circus position."

"What!" said Joe, outraged. "And leave show business?"

[specious_reasons]

Originally Posted by ShottleBop

Isaac Asimov joke no. 22:

I've heard that one before, this is a classic, as these types of jokes go.

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 23:

Mrs. Moskowitz, distraught, ran along the beach toward the lifeguard, pointing out to see and screaming, "Help! Help! My son the doctor is drowning!

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Isaac Asimov joke no. 24:

"You know," said Moskowitz, "being a doctor these days isn't so great. There are some kinds of scientists with much more prestige. I think lots of Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead of doctors."

"Never," said his friend Finkelstein.

"Why not?"

"Because," said Finkelstein, "it's too hard to say 'My son, the nuclear physicist.'"