New And Improved Rant Thread, now with 50% more profanity!

[Qingdai]

I also hate CIGNA. They suck.

[vremya]

for Cal.

[Ymir's blood]

[Corona688]

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

If you start my hold experience by announcing that my wait time is 10-15 minutes, and I don't hang up, do me a favor. Assume I have speakerphone and I'm willing to work and do other stuff for 15 minutes, and just play the damn music. Maybe cut in with a new time estimate every 4 minutes or so. But "thank you for continuing to hold a representative will be with you shortly" every 30 seconds does not make for an enjoyable 10-15 minute hold.

If they only have one song, you may change your tune soon enough. Our sat provider has a jazz loop so dull and interminable it's haunting my dreams...

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

Travelocity has one song. It's 4 chords (the same 4 played in different keys), lasts about 9 seconds, then repeats ad infinitum. I was on hold for an hour in O'Hare.

[Dingfod]

The "customer service" at my home mortgage company is excellent, if you judge only by wait times on the phone when you're calling about a late payment. They do ask a lot of nosy questions and seem to believe that you always know exactly how much money you're going to make from the next couple of paychecks from now to two or three months from now and if you tell them you don't, you're a big fat deadbeat liar. If they're not careful, they're going to end up with this crappy house.

[Master Taran]

So I have a fucking Order History with Tony Chachere

12/03/2009 Pending
12/05/2009 Processed

Products Total
2 x Tur-Duc-Hen Roll $65.98

Shipping Method
UPS GND (Perishable) $20.26

Bend over asshole, here's where we fuck you in the ass.

Order Cost: $86.24

And I get an E-Mail with a delivery date and a tracking number from UPS.

Scheduled Delivery: 10-December-2009

Shipped To: LANSING, MI, US
Shipped/Billed On: 12/07/2009
Type: Package Service: GROUND Weight: 18.00 Lbs

Tracking Detail

NEW ORLEANS, LA, US 12/08/2009 1:05 A.M. ARRIVAL SCAN
LAKE CHARLES, LA, US 12/07/2009 8:35 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
...............................12/07/2009 6:49 P.M. ORIGIN SCAN
US 12/07/2009 6:05 P.M. BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

It's still not fucking here!

So I call the douche bags at UPS and the basic answer is 'sorry, nothing we can do about it.' fuck you asshole, we're going to do absolutely nothing for your raggedy ass.
And Tony Chachere's cock sucking asshat isn't answering their phones until they fucking feel like it Monday.

Someone in New Orleans is gonna have one hell of a nice dinner.

[Ensign Steve]

Originally Posted by Cynical-Chick

Travelocity has one song. It's 4 chords (the same 4 played in different keys), lasts about 9 seconds, then repeats ad infinitum. I was on hold for an hour in O'Hare.

Sounds like the Wii main menu.

[Master Taran]

Originally Posted by Master Taran

So I have a fucking Order History with Tony Chachere

12/03/2009 Pending
12/05/2009 Processed

Products Total
2 x Tur-Duc-Hen Roll $65.98

Shipping Method
UPS GND (Perishable) $20.26

Bend over asshole, here's where we fuck you in the ass.

Order Cost: $86.24

And I get an E-Mail with a delivery date and a tracking number from UPS.

Scheduled Delivery: 10-December-2009

Shipped To: LANSING, MI, US
Shipped/Billed On: 12/07/2009
Type: Package Service: GROUND Weight: 18.00 Lbs

Tracking Detail

NEW ORLEANS, LA, US 12/08/2009 1:05 A.M. ARRIVAL SCAN
LAKE CHARLES, LA, US 12/07/2009 8:35 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
...............................12/07/2009 6:49 P.M. ORIGIN SCAN
US 12/07/2009 6:05 P.M. BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

It's still not fucking here!

So I call the douche bags at UPS and the basic answer is 'sorry, nothing we can do about it.' fuck you asshole, we're going to do absolutely nothing for your raggedy ass.
And Tony Chachere's cock sucking asshat isn't answering their phones until they fucking feel like it Monday.

Someone in New Orleans is gonna have one hell of a nice dinner.

UPS driver finds, returns $5,200

So, where's my package you cock sucking fucktards????

[freemonkey]

Listen up, fuckers! If you want to assume I'm a Christian and wish me "Merry Christmas" every goddamn day this month everyfuckingwhere I go, please don't be offended when I wish you Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice, Happy Saturnalia, Good Yule, Merry Mithrasmas, Happy Festivus, etc..., etc..., etc... I would make a t-shirt of that but it's probably too much for you to read.


Oh, and to the lady in the Goodwill store yesterday who complained very loudly to the girls behind the counter that you'd been in the store for an hour already and had not heard one Christmas song and you wanted it changed? And when they told you that it was pre-programmed and only the store manager could change it you loudly insisted she come and talk to you about it? And when they told you she was not there so you very loudly complained to your group of girlfriends about it so everyone could hear, too? Yeah. Well. Fuck you. If you don't like it, get the fuck out. I went right over to those counter girls and told them that I, for one, was very relieved not to be bombarded with all Christmas music all the time, and that they could tell their manager I said so to counteract your hate. Guess what? They laughed. What are you gonna do? Start a Goodwill boycott? Good luck with that.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

Fuck!

[Master Taran]

Originally Posted by Master Taran

UPS driver finds, returns $5,200

So, where's my package you cock sucking fucktards????

Well it took 4 phone calls butt they say my order will be here tomorrow.

[wildernesse]

You think you're cute, tapping your horn right outside my window in an odd little beat, so that your friend knows you are here. You make me want a shotgun for Christmas.

[Ensign Steve]

Originally Posted by wildernesse

You think you're cute, tapping your horn right outside my window in an odd little beat, so that your friend knows you are here. You make me want a shotgun for Christmas.

OMG is it 1994? Get a cell phone.

[Qingdai]

Hello leaking roof, I see you're back. I guess I'll be calling the roofing company a third time. Had I known it'd be this difficult, I would have just re-roofed the patch this summer.

Oh, and mechanic, when I bring in my car starting off a conversation, "What have you been doing to the car" is only going to get you "driving it." The myriad of problems that a 200k car is going to have are legion.

...and fuck you whomever ran into my car last winter and didn't leave a note.

[Shelli]

I've decided to write a book; a book that will put Dale Carnegie's to shame.

"Do it with Respect"
How to Tell People to Get Fucked with a

I've become quite an expert at it at work and in my personal life. I might as well make some money from my mad skillz.

[Crumb]

I'd buy it.

[Shelli]

[Caligulette]

And I'd sell it, since I have taken over both the business *and* self-help aisles (and am tempted to hide the ladders in both)!

So - here's the thing -- if you are looking for a self help book and you see it and it's on a shelf at eye-level, don't come looking for *ME* to get it for you. I am trying not to be an enabler. Help me help you and me.

Also - Deepak Chopra. Enough said there, for damn sure.

[Watser?]

Some people are beyond help.

[lisarea]

I have a Deepak Chopkra book. Some guy who was stalking me left it on my front porch in the middle of the night once, to help me with my severe psychological problems and all, see.

[Caligulette]

Originally Posted by lisarea

I have a Deepak Chopkra book. Some guy who was stalking me left it on my front porch in the middle of the night once, to help me with my severe psychological problems and all, see.

DUDE! I may have said this before but here we go again if that is the case: Deepak Chopra came to my store when I worked in Marin County, California (read: Too Much Money and Lots Of Healing Crystals-ville). THE CALLS we got in the run up were amazing.

My "fave":
Man: So Deepak is going to be there tomorrow?
Me: Yes.
Man: So when should I show up to get a good seat? It says he's speaking at 2.
Me: Yes, he is. We're not having very many chairs - only for the halt and the lame (not my actual phrasing).
Man: So I should show up...?
Me: Well we open at ten and there has been a lot of interest - we expect a very large crowd, but it is impossible for us to know when people will show up exactly.
Man: But when should I be there? When?
Me: I don't know when people will start showing up. I know people will be here, I do not have their schedules, I have ours and Chopra's. He'll be speaking at 2.
Man: WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHEN TO SHOW UP FOR A GOOD SPACE????!!!!
Me: 1:45. Come at 1:45.
Man: THANK YOU. FINALLY!!!

If he showed up pissed off, I never knew, as the crowd was so thick by 11 that we could not move and had all retreated to Behind The Counter.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

[Nullifidian]

An open letter to the folks at the Borders on Carmel Mountain Rd.

Dear fuckers,

Please pardon me if I will not drop everything to pick up the book you have placed on reserve for me. At the moment, I'm in Las Vegas with the person for whom the book was meant to be a gift. The time stamp shows that you sent your response to my query forty-five minutes after we were rolling into Vegas.

This impending Vegas trip was why I put in the request to hold this book and a DVD at 11:30 on FRIDAY MORNING. At the time, your auto-generated response to my request said that I shouldn't have to wait more than two hours. I waited until 6 p.m. before reiterating my request, which was again met with a stony silence until 45 hours and 15 minutes later.

All told, it took 51 hours, 45 minutes since my first request to place a book and DVD on hold for you to get back to me about these items' availability. I must say I appreciated the apologetic tone telling me the DVD of the foreign film I requested had been snapped up by some eagle-eyed buyer. Who could that person be?

Oh yeah, I remember. It was ME. I went to your franchise location at 9 p.m. on Saturday, one hour before closing, because it was my last chance to get the items I requested before I had to leave town. I managed to walk in, locate both items, and leave the store all in the space of five minutes. Given this, I can understand why it would take you more than two full days to find these two items. No doubt such strenuous and exacting tasks as walking to the stacks, picking things up, then placing them behind the front desk are not to be undertaken without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

Finally, a note of love to my hosts at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino:

I do not want all the comforts of "home away from home"; I want a bed I can actually sleep in. I don't know why hoteliers believe that the impression of luxury is best conveyed by slowly suffocating to death, entombed in a giant marshmallow. After two hours of fitful sleep I eventually gave up, took a pillow (which represents a somewhat slimmed down marshmallow) and tried sleeping on the couch. No dice. Even your pillows are horribly uncomfortable. So I tried using one of the decorative cushions from the couch, which resembles a large, furry Cheez-It. This is too big to serve as a decent pillow. Eventually I was able to catch about an hour and a half's rest in the armchair. The prospect of going through all this again is enough to make me want to seek out the nearest Motel 6 or even a cozy park bench.

[slimshady2357]

Your computer, I said your computer. NOT your fucking monitor, your computer. How the fuck can you not know the difference between a fucking monitor and a fucking computer? HOW?! You've been working with a computer for years and years and you don't fucking know the difference between the monitor and the computer? How is that fucking possible?