Seen any crappy movies?

[specious_reasons]

Silent Night Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!
Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation

These came up in Shudder for the holidays. There's a part 5 as well, which I will probably watch.

This series is so devoid of ideas that it does in part 3 what Friday the 13th waits until the 7th to do. They introduced a psychic.

Ricky, the killer from parts 1 and 2, is in a coma. His brain being rebuilt by a doctor for experimentation - the top of his skull is replaced by a glass bowl. Laura is a blind girl with psychic visions, and her doctor is doing some experiment where he's using her to mine information from Ricky. They get psychically linked, and Ricky follows Laura to Grandma's house for Christmas.

In one of a series of poor choices, instead of Ricky being a bug-eyed maniac, he's played by a new actor (Bill Moseley is an early role) as a dullard, shambling down the street in a hospital gown and a bowl on his head.

Part 4 is the "Halloween III" of the series. It has nothing to do with Ricky, the Santa Claus killer. It's an "evil coven of women" movie set at Christmas time. In this one, Kim is an aspiring reporter who decides to look into a mysterious death at an apartment complex. She is quickly initiated into a coven of witches she stumbles upon there, and has to decide if she wants to complete the initiation or die.

This is directed by Brian Yuzna (Society), so it's a goopy, creepy, messy movie. Unfortunately, the actress who plays Kim is the worst part. The part itself is not coherently written, but other actors seem to be able to make their characters more realistic, like Clint Howard, the coven's simple-minded minion.

I love Clint Howard. He's really a pro, and he would probably be a top-tier actor if he wasn't short, meaty, and funny looking.

Neither of these are worth watching, but part 4 is the better movie - more visually interesting and wild.

[specious_reasons]

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

Once again, the SNDN series goes in an entirely different direction, with the only theme being that it takes place around Christmas.

A family is threatened by someone leaving killer toys for the son. Could it be the creepy man hanging around the house, the creepy teenager, or the creepy teen's father, a drunken toy maker? They splurged on Mickey Rooney so they probably couldn't have a large cast. Those are your only choices.

It's actually pretty clear who the killer toy maker is, but why this person is the killer toy maker is a bit of a surprise. I would actually say this is the best of the series so far. This one is not ruined by poor performances - even with a lot of not-so-great acting, and it's pretty weird.

[specious_reasons]

Parasomnia (2008)

The bland male lead visits a friend in drug rehab. Implausibly, just down the hall is a chained and masked serial killer and a young woman with "parasomnia" - like an extreme form of narcolepsy. She sleeps most of the time, waking at random times and lengths.

Apparently, bland lead knows this young lady from when they were both children, which is enough justification to kidnap her before she gets transferred to an experimental facility. The act of kidnapping her triggers the serial killer, who can remote control her sleeping body and kill a few people. Soon, bland male lead is wanted by the escaped killer and the police, and there's a final showdown.

Jesus, does this movie have consent issues. It's rare I complain about nudity, but in this case, the male lead is sponge-bathing a sleeping woman of indeterminate age who seems to have the mental capacity of a preschooler. It made me feel gross. The movie justifies the kidnapping because the two people have loved each other since they briefly met as children? A doctor at the hospital explains the health condition of two patients to a stranger. The only thing that is considered evil is the serial killer who apparently can hypnotize people to kill themselves or others.

This movie is a classic example of low-budget movies where the characters actors that make up the cast are significantly better than the two leads.The man is just boring and the woman, when awake, seems to be acting more like a toddler than a preschooler, but I can't tell if that's direction or her lack of skill. Meanwhile, we've got Sean Young, Alison Brie, Jeffrey Combs, and the bad guy is a "that guy" - a heavy in tons of movies and TV shows, and he's having lots of fun here.

Stay away from this one.

[specious_reasons]

Scanner Cop II (1995)

Little did I expect my next post would have the same actor playing the villain, only 13 years younger.

I also realized I never posted about Scanner Cop!

Background: Scanners is a David Cronenberg movie about a group of people who have mind-control powers due to an experimental drug given to expectant mothers. Some people with this ability form an underground organization to take over the world, and a man with hidden scanning ability is recruited to stop them. It's a pretty good film - with an iconic scene of a man's head exploding. This was a fertile concept for sequels, and there were several direct sequels that I haven't seen.

Somebody also thought that a Scanner police officer would be a good story, too. So Scanner Cop is a about the child of a scanner being adopted by a police officer, who then grows up to also join the force. When an evil psychiatrist is mind controlling people connected to the police, the father asks his son to use his scanning ability. The only problem is, if he goes for too long without the scanning suppressant Ephemerol, he might start losing his sanity. The pressure to solve the case is butting up against his mental health. This isn't great, but it's a strong idea decently executed.

In Scanner Cop II, our hero is now a detective, and is on a new form of Ephemerol which allows him to use his powers and maintain his sanity. This time the villain is another scanner, who has accidentally learned how to drain other scanners and wants revenge against Scanner Cop for killing his brother. After killing other known Scanners, he might be too powerful for our hero.

Once again, this is fine. The story is a bit weaker, but it's mildly more entertaining. Both are perfectly serviceable B movies.

One funny thing that happened during part 2 is that the scanner noise caught the attention of Cookie Crisp. He started barking at Patrick Kilpatrick. Apparently he knows a bad guy when he sees it!

[specious_reasons]

Black Roses (1988)

I broke on my decision to watch any Joe-Bob Briggs shows because he had the Boulet Brothers on. The Boulet Brothers are pretty awesome, so I don't regret it.

Nor do I regret the movie choice. This is a "Satanic Metal Band tries to take over today's youth" movie from the 1980s. It's cheesy and stupid and loads of 80s horror fun.

The music is halfway decent glam rock, which makes it stand out a bit from its peers, which is usually terrible glam rock. The lead singer is also an accomplished performer, which helps.

[Ari]

Free Guy: It was so much like they fed Ready Player One, Wreck it Ralph 2 and The Lego movie into an AI text generator, then steam rolled the output through a Hollywood board room I was half expecting there to be an end credit citing GPT-3 as the writer.

A few minutes in and one of the main characters is playing the allegedly immersive video game in a coffee shop, because all computer activity be they writing a script or playing a game, happen in a coffee shop, just so that asshole barista can get in a dig that only kids play video games (a bigger industry than movies) and our main character can respond that she’s only playing it because it’s the only way she can get the mcguffin code that was stolen from her boyfriend. She’s not a loser that plays video games or anything!

It was, bad, clunky, generic, and forgettable. Almost offensive in how cookie cutter it was. Ticking clock till server wipe, exposition bombs, true loves kiss restores memory, people gain abilities through the power of heart, devs lack power through being morons, bad guy physically attacks computer systems to stop cloud based code… and on and on.

I’m glad I stole this movie.

[specious_reasons]

Waiting for builds while working from home - a perfect time to watch crappy movies!

Between Worlds (2018)

Nic Cage plays Joe, a wreck of a man, a drunken widower, a down on his luck trucker barely making due. He catches a man strangling Julie (Franka Potente) in a rest stop bathroom. He beats the man up, but the lady isn't happy. She's trying to have an out of body experience so she can save her daughter, who she just learned got into a serious accident.

Well, Joe drives her to the hospital, only to have her daughter code. Julie implores Joe to strangle her so she can have another OOB experience. He does, and she saves her daughter. Julie is so thankful for all of Joe's "help," she starts a relationship with him.

Once Julie's daughter comes home, things don't seem quite right, soon we discover that the daughter has been possessed by the spirit of Joe's dead wife, and she wants Joe back.

This movie is notorious for showing Cage in a love scene with someone young enough to be his granddaughter while cross cutting to another love scene with Cage and a woman young enough to be his daughter, all while reading a book of poetry by Nicolas Cage.

This was icky, and didn't really earn the twist in the story.

On to the next:

Till Death (2021)

I actually enjoyed this one. Megan Fox's Emma is the wife of a rich attorney, but their marriage is in trouble. On their anniversary, it seems he is looking for reconciliation and plans a romantic evening ending at their secluded lake house.

Nope! In the biggest dick move I've seen in a while, in the morning, he handcuffs himself to her and kills himself. This is all a part of an elaborate murder/suicide plot. He hired two men, one of which was sent to prison on Emma's testimony, to kill her.

This movie is extremely implausible. I have to believe that Emma was a ninja in a previous life, because she sneaks around a quiet house, sometimes dragging a dead body with her, and she isn't detected.

Otherwise, this was surprising and tense and fun.

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

That's impressively weird on both accounts.

[specious_reasons]

Siege (1983)

A Canadian thriller. The movie starts with a news story about the police striking in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Once this is established, we switch to a a group of men who pick up some blunt weapons and stroll into a gay bar. These fascist wannabes start harassing the people in the bar, start abusing the bartender, and unintentionally cause his death.

Faced with potential murder charges, they call their leader, Cabe. Cabe quickly decides that the easiest way to cover up the one murder is to kill all of the people in the bar. One man escapes, wildly running the streets until he enters a rundown apartment with 5 people, two blind men, a rebellious young punk, and a hippie-ish couple.

The proto-Proud Boys Have followed the remaining witness to this apartment, and they attempt to break in, only to be deterred by the man in the apartment pointing a rifle at them.

After this, there's a tense standoff where the apartment dwellers use what little resources they have to fight against Cabe and his followers, who have regrouped with silenced machine guns.

Even though this movie was super cheap, and it's a slight ripoff of Assault on Precinct 13 I enjoyed this a lot more than I expected. I like the fact that this movie suggests that if the cops go away, it's not just going to be the young anarchist punks who would go on criminal sprees.

There's even an ACAB twist at the end.

[specious_reasons]

Ghost in the Shell (2017)

Evaluated on its own merits: This is an OK movie. There's nothing special about it. A woman whose brain has been transplanted into a cybernetic body gets a revelation from the "bad guy" that makes her question who she really is and who the real villains are. It's pretty standard fare for a modern science fiction movie. It's visually stunning and has some interesting action.

Compared to the original anime: It's shit. This didn't need to be made, and the reimagining is worse than a scene by scene remake of the original.

[specious_reasons]

All About Evil (2010)

This started streaming on Shudder today (technically yesterday), I've been excited to watch it since I learned of it.

Young Debora Tennis is going to introduce the movie with a song at her father's theater. Nerves and and abusive mother caused to deliver a poor stage performance, resulting in her accidental electrocution. Her dreams of stardom dashed, we jump forward in time to see she became a timid librarian, played by Natasha Lyonne.

We learn her father has recently died, and she's running the theater in the evening. She's just barely keeping it together. Her mother wants to sell the theater, and tries to pressure Debora to sign, but ends up driving Deb to kill her. In a panic after the kill, she replays the security camera footage of the murder for the crowd, who thinks this is a new short introducing the movie, and the crowd loves it, including her friend and fan Steven.

Debora likes the praise and it rekindles her desire for stardom, but this time, she won't be in the movies, she'll direct too! She recruits the creepy projectionist, teenage murder twin sisters, and an amoral street thug, and they start "recruiting actors" to kill for the next short. The only problem is that Steven suspects something is wrong once his rude date goes missing at the theater.

This was directed by Peaches Christ (who also is featured in the movie), and I've discovered that Peaches and I have similar tastes in genre movies. She also has a fondness for goofy humor and bad puns.

I really enjoyed this, even if it's not objectively a good movie. It successfully blends horror and gore with humor and camp. It's cleverly written and features a lot of "easter eggs" for horror and movie aficionados. Natasha Lyonne is always a delight, and she's having fun with the role.

[Ensign Steve]

Based on your review, we decided to watch this. Apparently we have Shudder through our AMC+ subscription.

Fuckin love Natasha, she is a treasure. And seeing her all young and fat and healthy makes me go awww, remember when we were all young and fat and healthy?

We started it after bedtime so I was not going to finish it last night anyway, but when it was at the part with the lady in the library I had to pack it in. I'm sure I'll finish at some point.

[specious_reasons]

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

Based on your review, we decided to watch this. Apparently we have Shudder through our AMC+ subscription.

Fuckin love Natasha, she is a treasure. And seeing her all young and fat and healthy makes me go awww, remember when we were all young and fat and healthy?

We started it after bedtime so I was not going to finish it last night anyway, but when it was at the part with the lady in the library I had to pack it in. I'm sure I'll finish at some point.

If you get Shudder, I would recommend watching Dragula ASAP. It's the best thing on the channel.

I love Natasha as well, this movie would be terrible without someone with her personality and talent in the lead part.

[specious_reasons]

Torn Hearts (2022)

"...I think we've overstayed our welcome."
"You weren't welcome to begin with, dear."

Jordan and Leigh are two young and hungry Nashville performers playing the smaller venues. Jordan learns the address of country music legend Harper Dutch (Katie Sagal). She's been a recluse since her sister and musical partner died, and there's a rumor that she might be looking to come back.

They drive out there, hoping this is their big break. Harper sizes them up in a matter of seconds, and starts fucking with the ladies right away. Jordan is the talent and Leigh is the public face, and that mirrors Harper and her sister. So, Harper starts causing rifts between them.

It's pretty easy to guess where this is going. It's a "how far are you willing to go for fame?" horror story. The real enjoyment is watching the subtle and extremely unsubtle ways these two ladies get messed with.

[specious_reasons]

Head of the Family (1996)

This is a sleazy crime drama with a horror twist.

Loretta is married to a local drug dealer/biker thug, but she really loves Lance, the owner of the local general store/diner. Lance and Loretta want to get rid of her husband, but they don't know how to get away with it. Lance gets a bit of fortune and discovers the local family of weirdos named the Stockpools are kidnapping people. He uses that information to get the Stockpools to make the hubby disappear.

This goes great! Everything is good - only Lance gets greedy and continues to blackmail the Stockpools. It's a battle of wits between Lance and the Stockpools, with Loretta caught in between.

The horror twist is that the Stackpool family are mutant quadruplets. Three are relatively normal looking, and the fourth is a giant head on a tiny body - he's the head of the family!

This is a cheap and sleazy movie, but it's pretty good given those constraints.

[specious_reasons]

The Toolbox Murders (1978)

Well, this one was a mixed bag. It starts as a basic slasher movie. Multiple women are killed by a masked man who uses various tools from a toolbox as weapons. The slasher spree ends with the kidnapping of a young teen girl. The second act is the investigation, where a pathetically bad detective searches for clues, while the girl's brother and his friend conduct their own investigation. Finally, the boys close in on the killer, and the girl struggles for her survival.

The killer is pretty obvious. I'm not sure why the movie made any effort to hide the killer's identity, especially since it's revealed so early.

This didn't click with me, even though it's supposed to be a cult classic.

[specious_reasons]

Hard Rock Zombies 1985

It's a Canon movie! It could have just as easily been a Troma movie.

This starts with a tall, leggy blonde in a very 80s dress hitchhiking. Two guys pick her up, and soon they all stop by a lake. She gets out, sheds the dress and jumps in the lake. The men follow her in, and she drowns them both while a man in a suit takes pictures and two little people cavort. This just about sets the tone for the movie.

This happens near Grand Guignol, a small town where lots of bad things happen. Our heros are in a rock band, and they are rolling into town for a show, where a major label producer has agreed to see them perform. All sorts of crazy shit starts to happen, and I kind of don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it.

Yes, it's a rock and roll horror comedy with really bad taste. This movie is a mess, the edit is confusing, the visual quality is often poor and too dark to see, and the acting is mostly terrible, but it really delivers on the campy craziness.

[specious_reasons]

Cat’s Eye (1985)

Drew Barrymore always surprises me how talented she was as a child actor. She and the cat are the best actors in the movie.

This is an anthology horror, three stories written by Stephen King, all tied together by a stray cat, who is the hero of the final story.

#1 is "Quitters, Inc." and it's the scariest of the three. James Woods wants to quit smoking, and he signs up for a cessation program that's very, very serious. It's based on the short story.

#2 is "The Ledge" - Robert Hayes tries to run off with a mobster's wife. He gets caught, and is offered a bet - walk the ledge around his casino tower and he'll walk away with everything. It's also supposed to be based on a short story.

#3 is "The General" - the cat finds a home with Drew Barrymore's family, and the cat is the only thing keeping an evil creature from harming her, and she is the only thing protecting the cat from the rest of the family.

This movie is almost ruined by the winking references to other Stephen King properties and in-jokes. The cat is chased by Cujo, almost hit by Christine, people are watching Stephen King movies and reading King books. "Every Breath you Take" is an on-the-nose song used multiple times. It's easily the most annoying thing about it.

Stiil, this is a pretty light horror movie, fun and only some mild scares, generally a decent movie for a horror anthology.

[Miss Shelby]

i watched a movie called 'Men' and it was terrible

[LarsMac]

The Mrs has taken to watching a bunch of Netflix offerings from Turkey and India.

Fortunately the weather has settled down and I can work in the garage in the evenings.

[specious_reasons]

Originally Posted by Miss Shelby

i watched a movie called 'Men' and it was terrible

It's on my list. I will probably enjoy it, because my taste is trash.

[ShottleBop]

The family started "Someone Marry Barry,", but didnt' make it past the funeral season just a few minutes in. Definitely recommend if you're looking for a crappy movie.

[specious_reasons]

Dead & Beautiful (2021)

A group of rich, pretty, dull people looking for excitement go through a ritual and all grow fangs. So now they are rich, pretty, dull vampires. Being a vampire doesn't solve their rich people problems.

I cannot care even a little bit about sullen young rich people. The movie does not work for me at all.

[Miss Shelby]

I watched a show called Central Park Dark. It had a spooky element which I like. Tom Sizemore was in and I think he’s a decent actor. OH MY GOSH it was horrible. I kept waiting for it to get better but no. Super disappointing.

[viscousmemories]

Tom Sizemore is either a despicable person or a brilliant actor, because I honestly don't know if my impression of him as a horrible person is based on roles he has played or bad things I've heard about his real personality and behaviors.