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Originally Posted by Qingdai
I did mention "Twilight" in the last movie thread. If this thread had existed, I certainly would have posted it here.
Also "Orgazmo."
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Hey! Orgazmo was awesome
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The Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
Well some truth in advertising, there were 4 of them.
Also Jessica Abel looks like Barbie as a blond. Disturbing.
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OMG the writers should be beaten!
The flimsy inter-personal character dilemmas take up a lion's share of the movie. I don't care that Reed loves science and is a lying cold fish to his fiance. I don't care that The Human Torch is shallow and a bad planner; I also don't care about the sub-plot of Johnny's power impotence, and the zany switching-powers hijinx. I don't care that the Invisible Woman wants Reed to prioritize and to get married. I don't care that their notoriety makes it hard to have a private life. None of these elements give the characters more dimension, or adds to a movie. It is straight filler, or at best shit that was more than adequately covered in the first F4 movie, also a stinkbomb.
The Thing's discomfort in being monstrous is worth exploring as a side plot, but I can read Concrete for that. Too bad when it is addressed in F4:RSS, it is for mild comic relief or interplay between Thing and Johhny.
But even when they pull the plot away from the boring contrived personal character dilemmas, the numerous cliches and hackneyed shit of the Silver Surfer plot was painful.
General: How long before you can build the weapon that will separate the Silver Surfer from his board?
Reed: three hours.
Fast forward to the characters in the Black Forest, setting up the weapons, which include motorized feet that at the press of a button unfold from under the equipment box when the team gets ready to set each of them down. Wait a minute. Reed didn't have some fucking kickstands, or some legs you just unfold? He spent what-
an hour installing a set of motorized legs for boxes that just sit on the ground?
The General fires a missile at the Silver Surfer, and his board simply absorbs it.
General: Fire everything!
Really? Not, for example, "stop firing because that shit is ineffective"?
General: I'm the quarterback here. You do what I say.
Reed: Long exposition on how this isn't high school, where they were nerds and the General was cool, now
we're the cool kids and you do what I say.
Holy fucking shit. Please tell me somewhere there is a writer who punches him or herself in the face every time they recall writing that. What the fuck, Breakfast Club/ Revenge of the Nerds retrospective for morons? Nerds-are-cool-now riffs? The world will be destroyed in eight days or less by a virtually unstoppable force, so I thought I would take this moment to outline the jocks-vs-nerds tribal smackdown of lame?
The General brings in a sinister torturer to work on the captured Silver Surfer. Who starts injecting the alien with drugs. Really? Alien physiology, let's see what happens?
The Silver Surfer wants to show Sue what happens to planets that Galactus visits, so he makes his stomach into a view-screen. Wait, what? Separated from your board you can make your stomach into a view screen, but you can be bound with a restraint harness? How often does having a view-screen stomach come in handy, exactly?
Qingdai is right about Jessica Alba's blonde hair- it looks seriously fucked up with her coloration and is a distraction.
I also am no Freudian, but WTF with all the impotence/ phallic power? Johnny Blaze: impotence through loss of power, through not being included in Reed/ Invisible Woman's plans, etc. Silver Surfer: phallic power. Riding a phallus, he is creating GIANT ORIFICES in Earth for Galactus who is coming to fuck our world to the core. Reed scientifically impotent with Sue's marriage demands (Me or science) and constraints. The Thing impotent because his dick is a rock.
Also every cliche machine and computer stupidity. Big machines with blinky rotating things. Which might make sense if it was a paean to Jack Kirby or something, but it looks like the design team stepped out of an 1980's B-movie. The computers all showing dumb-ass graphics and saying dumb things in big letters. Is Reed in the second grade? Or is he just using a Colecovision console attached to a flat-screen monitor?
A special note to Dr. Doom: I am so sorry. You were actually a pretty kick-ass villain by all accounts- smart, wicked, tenacious, powerful. Masterful in your plans. Could they neuter you any more than they did to put you in this movie, where they decided to
dumb down a comic book to make a movie plot? Usually the villain is at least entertaining, gets to be dastardly, gets the good lines- none for you. Every action painfully foreshadowed and telegraphed. Every line a dud. In this you mostly get to be snarky and occasionally violent and power-hungry.
Rant ovah
Re: Seen any crappy movies?
That reminds me. I need to watch North By Northwest again.
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