Somebody Tell A Joke

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 38:

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the famous Sherlock Holmes stories, once hailed a cab in Paris. He threw his handbag inside and climbed in after it, but before he could say a word, the driver said,

"Where to, Mr. Conan Doyle?" "You recognize me?" said the author in surprise.

"Not really. I've never seen you or a picture of you." "Then how do you know I am Conan Doyle?"

"Well," said the driver, "I had read in the newspapers that you were on vacation in the south of France; I noticed you getting off a train that came from Marseille; I see you have the kind of tan that bespeaks a week or more in the sun; from the inkspot on your right middle finger, I deduce you are a writer; you have the keen look of a medical man, and the cut of clothes of an Englishman. Putting it all together, I felt you must surely be Conan Doyle, the creator of the great detective, Sherlock Holmes." Conan Doyle burst out, "But you are yourself the equal of Sherlock Holmes since you recognized me from all these small observations."

"There is," said the driver, "one additional fact."

"And that is?" "Your name is lettered on your handbag."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 39:

Back in medieval times, a thoroughly apocryphal story tells us, the Roman Pope was persuaded by some of his more conservative advisers to endure no longer the presence of Jews in the very heart and core of world Christianity. The Jews of Rome were therefore ordered evicted from their homes by a certain date.

To the Jews of Rome this was a great tragedy, for they knew no refuge where they might not expect worse treatment than in Rome. They appealed to the Pope for reconsideration and the Pope, a fair- minded man, suggested a sporting proposition. If the Jews would appoint one of their own number to engage in a debate with him, in pantomime, and if the Jewish representative were to win the debate, the Jews might remain.

The Jewish leaders gathered in the synagog that night and considered the proposition. It seemed the only way out but none of their number wished to volunteer to debate. As the chief rabbi said, "It is impossible to win a debate in which the Pope will be both partici-pant and judge. And how can I face the possibility that the eviction of the Jews will be the result of my specific failure?"

The synagog janitor, who had been quietly sweeping the floor through all this, suddenly spoke up. "I'll debate," he said.

They stared at him in astonishment. "You, a cheap janitor," said the chief rabbi, "debate with the Pope?" "Someone has to," said the janitor, "and none of you will.”

So in default of anyone else, the janitor was made the representative of the Jewish community and was appointed to debate with the Pope. Then came the great day of the debate. In the square before St. Peter's was the Pope, surrounded by the College of Cardinals in full panoply, with crowds of bishops and other churchly functionaries. Approaching was the Jewish janitor, surrounded by a few of the leaders of the Jewish community in their somber black garb and their long gray beards.

Pope faced janitor, and the debate began.

Gravely, the Pope raised one finger and swept it across the heavens. Without hesitation the janitor pointed firmly toward the ground, and the Pope looked surprised. Even more gravely, the Pope raised one finger again, keeping it firmly before the janitor's face. With the trace of a sneer, the janitor raised three fingers, holding the pose just as firmly, and a look of deep astonishment crossed the Pope's face.

Then, the Pope thrust his hand deep into his robes and produced an apple. The janitor thereupon opened a paper bag that was sticking out of his hip pocket and took out a flat piece of matzo. At this, the Pope exclaimed in a loud voice, "The Jewish representative has won the debate. The Jews may remain in Rome."

The janitor backed off, the Jewish leaders surrounded him, and all walked hastily out of the square. They were no sooner gone than the church leaders clustered about the Pope. "What happened, Your Holiness?" they demanded. "We did not follow the rapid give-and-take."

The Pope passed a shaking hand across his brow. "The man facing me," he said, "was a master at the art of debate. Consider! I began the debate by sweeping my hand across the sky to indicate
that God ruled all the universe. Without pausing an instant, that old Jew pointed downward to indicate that nevertheless the Devil had been assigned a dominion of his own below.

"I then raised one finger to indicate there was but one God, assum-ing I would catch him in the error of his own theology. Yet he in-stantly raised three fingers to indicate that the one God had three manifestations, a clear acceptance of the doctrine of the Trinity.

"Abandoning theology, I produced an apple to indicate that certain blind upholders of so-called science were flying in the face of revealed truth by declaring the Earth was as round as an apple. In- stantly, he produced a flat piece of unleavened bread to indicate that the Earth, in accord with revelation, was nevertheless flat. So I granted him victory." By now, the Jews and the janitor had reached the ghetto. All sur rounded the janitor, demanding, "What happened?"

The janitor said indignantly, "The whole thing was nonsense. Listen. First the Pope waves his hand like he's saying "The Jews must get out of Rome. So I point downward to say 'Oh yeah? The Jews
are going to stay right here.' So he points his finger at me as if to say 'Drop dead, but the Jews are leaving.' So I point three fingers at him to say "Drop dead three times, the Jews are staying.' So then I see he's taking out his lunch, so I take out mine."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 40:

Three men were engaged in one of those profitless conversations which involve all of us at one time or another. They were considering the problem of what each would do if the doctor told him he had only six months to live.

Said Robinson, "If my doctor said I had only six months to live, the first thing I would do would be to liquidate my business, with draw my savings, and have the biggest fling on the French Riviera you ever saw. I'd play roulette, I'd eat like a king, and most of all, I'd have girls, girls, and more girls."

Said Johnson, "If my doctor said I had only six months to live, the first thing I would do would be to visit a travel agency and plot out an itinerary. There are a thousand places on earth I haven't seen, and I would like to see them before I die: the Grand Canyon, the Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat, all of them."

Said Goldberg, "If my doctor said I had only six months to live, the first thing I would do would be to consult another doctor."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov no. 41:

MacTavish, O'Rourke, and Goldberg were mourning the loss of a mutual friend.

MacTavish said, "As you well know, my friends, I am a thrifty soul, but there is a legend in my family that if one places a wee bit of money in the casket so that it may be buried with the body, it will ease the way into the next world. For the sake of our friend, I will place ten dollars in the casket with him."

And, with a flourish he released a ten dollar bill and let it flutter onto the dear departed's breast. O'Rourke had no intention of being outdone. "Well," he said, "this strikes me as mere superstition, but I will not be behindhand. To go along with the family tradition of yours, MacTavish, I too will contribute that sum." And a second ten dollar bill joined the first on the dead man's breast.

Goldberg said at once, "Do you think I won't join in this kind deed?" And whipping out his checkbook, he quickly made out a check for thirty dollars, placed it on the dead man's breast, and took the two bills as change.

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 42:

Old Mr. Moskowitz, long since retired, was having trouble sleeping. Night after night, he lay awake and stared at the ceiling. His health was suffering visibly.

His son, who loved his father dearly, was much concerned. He tried everything. He took his father for invigorating walks; he fed him warm milk in the evening, he played soft music on the radio; he placed vibrators in the bed. Nothing helped. The old man remained sleepless and grew
steadily weaker. And then the son read of a hypnotist in Chicago who specialized in cases of insomnia. He could hypnotize people into a natural sleep and plant a posthypnotic suggestion that would keep them sleeping every night. His fee was enormous but money was no object.

In no time, the son had the hypnotist flown in by a chartered plane and he did indeed make an impressive appearance. He was dark, long faced, delicate featured, with a thin mustache and a Van Dyke. Most of all, his eyes were both somber and brilliant.

The hypnotist was introduced to the old man. Bringing out a shiny pendant, the hypnotist stared fixedly at Mr. Moskowitz and said in a soft and mellifluous voice, "Watch the pendant, Mr. Mosko- witz. Watch it-don't take your eyes off it- watch it swing- back and forth-back and forth-" His voice became a liquid croon. "You are getting sleepy, Mr. Moskowitz-warm and sleepy -gently tired and sleepy-you are getting so sleepy- -so sleepy -your eyelids are so heavy-you can't keep them open - you want to close them-sleepy-sleepy-sleepy-your eyelids are closing-"

On and on he went, the son silent in the background, almost fall-ing asleep himself. And as the hypnotist spoke, old Mr. Moskowitz's eyes did indeed slowly close, and his breathing grew deep and regular.

The hypnotist's voice sank lower and lower and finally, in a whisper, he said, "You will wake eight hours from now, completely rested, completely rested. And every night, you will fall asleep at midnight and wake at eight in the morning, completely rested, completely rested."

His task done, the hypnotist pocketed the enormous fee he had been promised and left. The son could scarcely believe his good fortune, Overwhelmed with happiness, he tiptoed in softly so that he could gaze at the dear sleeping face of his father. And as he stood there, smiling with pleasure, one of the old man's eyes popped open and a thin, quavering voice said, "Well, has he left yet, that lunatic?"

[Miss Shelby]

The past present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

[-FX-]

Originally Posted by ShottleBop

With that for context, my guess at a translation that would give a reaction closer to the one elicited from listeners in Yiddish would be, "What the FUCK were you thinking?!"

That is excellent, and spot on. Thanks.

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 43:

In Victorian times, two matrons of insuperable respectability were watching a production of Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra. In the play, there is one scene where Cleopatra receives the news of Antony's marriage to a Roman woman. She explodes in rage and anger in a piece of most effective theater.

The matrons watched Queen Cleopatra's passion and violence, her screaming threats against the cowering messenger, and finally one of them, leaning over toward the other, whispered in deep shock, "How different from the home life of our own dear queen!"

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 44:

Joe Anderson was addicted to the most ferocious exaggerations, and this had made him the laughingstock of the entire community, and the despair of his brother Jim.

Jim often lectured his wayward brother, and many were the promises of reform he obtained. "Listen, Joe," said Jim earnestly, "if you've got to tell stories, okay, but if I'm around and I catch your eyes and shake my head, it means you're going too far and you just back down, will you?"

Tearfully, Joe promised and, for a while, he was pretty good about it, but then on one occasion when all were sitting over a convivial drink in the bar, Joe forgot.

"Talking about hotels," he said, "I once owned one that was the biggest on the East coast. It had five bars in it, each one bigger than this one. It had two indoor swimming pools, three bowling alleys, and a large gymnasium. It had two thousand rooms, each with color television. It was a hundred and thirty-five stories high, with the top of the television mast sixteen hundred and seventy feet above the sidewalk; it was a full block wide," and here he finally caught sight of his brother signaling him desperately, so he concluded, "and one foot deep."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 45:

Cecil B. De Mille was well known for his spectacular motion pictures in which the lavish use of special effects sometimes utterly drowned out their more prosaic virtues. He had filmed everything, from enormous pagan orgies to the parting of the Red Sea, but (one thoroughly apocryphal story goes) he planned, shortly before his death, the most magnificent of all his magnificent spectacles.

He was going to film the six days of creation-the coming of light, the forming of the Earth, the separation of the sea from the land, the appearance of sun, moon, and stars, and the coming of life.

The whole spectacle was to cost uncounted millions of dollars, and for this purpose a huge valley in Spain was rigged up with incredible engineering devices. The process could be carried through only once. To try it twice would have meant undoing all the first attempt had brought about and multiplying the cost tenfold.

To guard against all eventualities, therefore, C. B. De Mille set up four separate camera crews on four separate peaks overlooking the valley, each under instructions to film everything. The creation was then carried through and everything worked perfectly. De Mille himself was reduced to awed and speechless tears at its magnificence, and when it was all over he hastened to check on the camera crews. He put in a call to Camera Crew 1 on the specially installed telephone lines. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Gee, Mr. De Mille," came back a shocked voice. "I don't know how to tell you, but when the creation started, we were all so fascinated by it that we actually never thought to roll the cameras."

Quietly, C. B. De Mille uttered a few imprecations, but after all he had expected trouble. That was why he had four camera crews. He put in a call to Crew 2. "Gee, Mr. De Mille," came back a terrified voice. "I can't explain it. We were all set, but it turned out we just didn't have any film. Somehow no one had ever thought to bring any. Mr. De Mille, I could just die."

"Do that," ground out De Mille, and he rang up the third.

"Gee, Mr. De Mille," came back a panicky voice, "we were ready, we were running, we were loaded, we took everything, but Mr. De Mille-I don't know how it happened but we just somehow never took the cap off the lens."

Now C. B. De Mille was really in a state of shock. He had only one camera crew left and it was with a trembling hand that he dialed the final number. For once a robust, cheerful voice answered, "Hello, Mr. De Mille

De Mille said, "Is everything all right?"

"Couldn't be better," said the cameraman cheerfully.

Wild hope sprang up within De Mille's heart. "You have film?"

"Of course. "The right film?"

"Of course,"

"The cap is off the lens?" "Of course."

"There is nothing wrong?" "Not a thing,"

"Thank God."

"Relax," said the fourth cameraman. "We're in perfect shape, so get started. We're ready whenever you are, C.B."

[ceptimus]

My wife and I were blissfully happy for thirty years, and then we met.

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 46 (first in the section "Shaggy Dog"). He has severely shortened this example:

A hobo, noting an advertisement in the paper for a large shaggy dog of a certain description, simultaneously noted a large shaggy dog of the same description sniffing at his shoes. Since the advertisement offered a generous reward, the hobo at once seized the dog and began to make his way to the address given in the ad.

When he finally reached his destination he rang the bell. A butler answered, and the hobo said, "Here is the lost dog you advertised for." To which the butler replied with indignation, "Not at all. When we said shaggy, we didn't mean that shaggy."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 47 (second Shaggy Dog story):

A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised itself widely as offer. ing everything a client might desire. The traveler at once called room service.

"I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin between the ages of eighteen and nineteen, who must have blond hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up four pieces of strong rope, each exactly four feet in length, and a cat-o'-nine-tails. Finally, I want a Hungarian coachman, thirty years of age, with a dark complexion. And hurry, because I'm tired and need to unwind."

It was a full hour before room service called back and with a deeply apologetic tone said, "Sir, we have the rope and the cat-o'-nine-tails. It was more difficult to find the virgin you required, for in this area of the country, few girls reach the age of eighteen with virginity intact. We have one of the rare ones, however, and she is fairly blond. We are devastated to have to report, though, that we could find no Hungarian coachman of the kind you requested. We do have a Rumanian coachman. Would he do?"

"I am afraid not," said the traveler sadly. "So in that case, just send up a piece of Danish pastry and some hot tea."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 48:

A man entered a tavern which he found empty except for the bartender, who was playing chess with a dog. The dog, watching the board intently, made his moves by grasping the particular chessman in his teeth. He wagged his tail wildly when he made a good move and, on occasion, would bark sharply to indicate "Check!""

The customer, finally recovering from his stupefaction, gasped out, "Hey, that's a smart dog you've got there." And the bartender answered, "Not so smart! I've beat him three times out of five so far."

[Miss Shelby]

Mushroom walks into a bar.

Bartender says Get Out.

Mushroom asks Why?

We don’t like your kind replies bartender.

Mushroom: Why not? I’m a fungi.

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 49:

Jones, seated in a movie house, could not help being aware that the man immediately in front of him had his arm around the neck of a large dog which occupied the seat next to him. The dog was clearly observing the picture with understanding, for be snarled softly when the villain spoke, yelped joyously at the funny remarks, and so on.

Jones leaned forward and tapped the man in front of him on the shoulder. He said, "Pardon me, sir, but I can't get over your dog's behavior." The man turned around and said, "Frankly, it surprises me, too. He hated the book."

[Crumb]

Same joke, but still funny.

[mickthinks]

Similar, certainly; but not quite the same, I think. They are both of the form: A says that's a remarkable dog and in response B unknowingly reveals the dog is even more remarkable.

I laughed at the first joke because the chess player's answer shows a surprising lack of appreciation or perhaps even awareness of his chess partner's remarkable achievement, while revealing that the dog doesn't just play but sometimes even wins. In short, the denial of smartness while revealing more smartness is funny. But there is no denial in the second joke.

I laughed at the second because loving the film of a book you hated is usually a surprise, so the misunderstanding behind the ironic accord between the two men is plausible under the circumstances—but the circumstances have subtly shifted from surreal to hyper surreal. The dog isn't just following a plot, we learn that it has a discerning appreciation for literature.

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Miss Shelby

Mushroom walks into a bar.

Bartender says Get Out.

Mushroom asks Why?

We don’t like your kind replies bartender.

Mushroom: Why not? I’m a fungi.

Oh come on. "We're pretty full. There isn't mush room."

[-FX-]

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 50:

Jones watched in astonishment as the man standing next to him at the bar ordered a dry martini, poured its contents into the sink, then nibbled away at the bowl of the glass. He did not stop till only the stem was left. He placed that carefully before him and ordered another dry martini.

This continued until five stems were standing before him and then the man left.

The bartender, noting Jones' astonishment, said with a smile, "You seem surprised, sir." "I'll say I am," said Jones. "The darn fool left the best part."

[ShottleBop]

Originally Posted by -FX-

https://apnews.com/article/fact-chec...s-605324752675

. . . the headline misrepresents the contents of a study cited in the article. Dr. Paul Hazen, chair of the Cleveland Clinic’s department of cardiovascular and metabolic sciences and an author of the study, told The Associated Press the article and headline were not accurate.

The study was published in the journal Circulation in 2017, years before COVID-19 vaccines were developed. It showed that taking the common supplement choline in the form of a capsule raised levels of a compound called trimethylamine N-oxide, or TMAO, in the body. Choline, found in eggs, dairy and meat products, helps support liver and brain function.

But the study demonstrated that TMAO can interact with gut bacteria from choline to increase platelet responsiveness, which is a risk factor for thrombotic events such as heart attacks and strokes, Hazen said.

Researchers gave choline supplements to a group of subjects comprised half of meat eaters and half of vegetarians. After about two months, TMAO levels in the group rose ten times, according to a release from the Cleveland Clinic at the time. The tendency for blood platelets to clump together, which can cause clots to form, also rose proportionately.

But the study looked specifically at choline in the form of supplements, not at choline consumption ingested naturally through foods.

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov oke no. 51:

Jones was in the barroom one evening when the gentleman at his left put down his empty glass, walked over to the wall, and without the slightest sign of discomfiture, walked up its surface and unto the ceiling. He crossed the ceiling, upside down, till he reached the wall in which the door was located. He walked down the wall to the top of the door, somersaulted to the floor, landed on his feet, and left.

Jones, recovering with an effort, said to the bartender, "That's certainly an odd way of leaving." The bartender shrugged. "You get used to it. He always leaves without saying good-bye."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 52:

The man at the bar had been following a steady pattern. He would order a dry martini, pour a little of the contents into his upper left vest pocket, and then drink the rest.

He did this for five martinis in a row and then, a little the worse for his alcoholic elevation, he issued the classic challenge, "I can lick any bum in this place." Whereupon from his upper left vest pocket there emerged a little mouse, who cried out in a shrill treble, "And that goes for any rotten cat in the place, too."

[ShottleBop]

Isaac Asimov joke no. 53:

Jones, preparing for a safari into deepest Africa, was going over the list of supplies he had ordered, and his friend Smith, who was present, clucked disapprovingly over it.

"No good," he said. "You've left out the most vital item." "What's that?" demanded Jones.

"Vermouth. You've got to have vermouth in case you get lost." "What good would vermouth do in that case?" Smith shook his head at the other's ignorance. He said, "Listen, suppose you're a thousand miles from any outpost of civilization. Your bearers have all deserted and you're alone, surrounded by trackless jungle. So you sit down and start making a dry martini for yourself while you collect your wits--and that's where the vermouth comes in. It saves you. You just add a good shot of vermouth and from all over the jungle people will spring out at you shouting, 'That's no way to make a dry martini!' And you're rescued."