Three Belgians head to a mercenary camp to join up. The officer sees them coming and decides to have a laugh. He tells them that they ahve to pass 3 tests to show they are agile, strong and ruthless enough to join up. First they have to climb a slippery pole, then they have to wrestle a bear, and finally, to show they are truly merciless, they have to rape a native.
The first Belgian slips on the pole and falls down dead. Undeterred the second one makes it past the pole, and lays an ambush for a bear. After a heroic struggle, the bear kills him. The last one, in memory if his fallen comrades, makes it past the pole and attacks the same bear, hoping it is tired. After a heroic struggle, the bear runs off yelping.
He picks himself up, dusts himself off, and says "Whew! The worst is over. Now I just need to find a native to kill..."
God calls Satan for one of his regular chit-chats and asks how things are going in hell.
Satan replies that things are going very well indeed. He says that they recently received an engineer and that the guy is making huge improvements in hell. He has designed and built an escalator to improve travel between the various levels of hell and is now working on an air conditioning system.
God gets quite irate and tells Satan that he is not allowed any engineers and to send the guy up to heaven, pronto.
Satan refuses.
God threatens to sue Satan if he does not comply.
Satan laughs.
God asks, "why are you laughing"?
Satan replies, "where the hell are you going to get a lawyer?
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
I think it is quite telling that, among those who have thanked my most recent joke, there is not included a single one of our shysters.
__________________ Old Pain In The Ass says: I am on a mission from God to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable; to bring faith to the doubtful and doubt to the faithful.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk,
an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard,
an Argentinean, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a
Canadian, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Norwegian, a
Swede, a Finn, a South African, an Israeli, a Romanian, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a club.
"Sorry guys, no drinks for you lot," says the barman.
"Why not?" they say.
The barman replies, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
__________________
What are sleeping dreams but so much garbage?~ Glen’s homophobic newsletter
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
(George Carlin)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
Here's a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, BJ's and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice looking, college aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No', but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way,they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, and twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Helpful Tips:
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99 cents at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc. Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
__________________
What are sleeping dreams but so much garbage?~ Glen’s homophobic newsletter
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ..."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
__________________
"Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she chewed with real distinction." - Eleanor of Aquitaine
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
__________________
What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. ... The origin of myths is explained in this way.
Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."
There's a serious side to this, as there is with many jokes. Someone I know was almost blinded by a disease because her mother refused to take her to a doctor. It would, after all, betray a lack of faith in god's benevolence. A friend of hers remarked to her something like: "But why then would god provide us with doctors that have the skill to heal?" It was the clincher that saved someone from blindness.
Re: Somebody Tell A Joke
really IS Hell!
...........
Sonoma Bear
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