Somebody Tell A Joke

[-FX-]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

I can never remember jokes so obviously I can't tell them. Y'all cough up, and see that they don't suck.

I come across so many new jokes, thanks to the internet. If I want to remember one, I make a note using Siri, then I screen grab it and save to photos, then like a week later I can't find either one because of all the other crap I have on my phone.

However ...


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son... He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

[Crumb]

[LarsMac]

Grandkid came up to me last weekend, said,
"Granpa, you know what they call someone who can communicate in several languages?
I said, "what do they call them?"
He said, "Multi-lingual."
"OK", says I.
He said, "You know what they call someone who speaks two languages?"
"Bilingual !" I proudly offered.
He says, "You're right!"
"Now, what do the call someone who only speaks one language?" he asks, with a smirk on his face.
Well, I knew I was being set up, so I just said, "I dunno. What DO the call someone like that?"
"American!" says he.
Little smart ass.

[-FX-]

Originally Posted by LarsMac

"American!" says he.

I know the dude that came up with that joke. In 1965

[LarsMac]

Originally Posted by -FX-

I know the dude that came up with that joke. In 1965

Well, the grandkid is only seven, so he didn't hear it back then.

He thought it it right clever.

Hell most of the jokes we've been sharing around here are oldies. How long ago do ya think Asimov got all those in his books?

[Miss Shelby]

Bear with me I’m doing this from memory.

Blonde walks into a bank in NYC. Wants to borrow 5 grand. They ask for collateral and she gives them the keys to her very expensive Mercedes which is parked on the street. Says she will be gone for two weeks. The bank takes the car, puts it in their underground garage and laugh at her blondness for taking out such a loan.

She returns 2 weeks later, and the bank had obviously checked her financial history.
The interest on the loan was like 20 bucks. The loan officer asks, why did you pay so much for a loan when you have more money than God? She was apparently loaded.

She said. Where in New York can I pay 20 bucks for parking for two weeks?

I probably mangled it but there is the gist.

[-FX-]

That's a good one.









Here's one that is over a hundred years old.



A man is walking down a road carrying a box.

An old Indian asks him what he has in the box.

The man says, "A case of champagne I got for my wife"

The Indians says, "Hmm .... good trade"

[ceptimus]

We used to have 'Skoda jokes' that used the same formula:

Customer: I want some windscreen wipers for my Skoda.

Salesperson: That sounds like a fair swap.

[-FX-]

If I knew what a Skoda was, I might find that humorous. I suspect it's an awful automobile.