Satan's FAQ

Metaphysics, Religion, the Bible, and Other Nonsense

The Bible and Christian Traditions

So, Satan, why did you rebel against god? Was living in eternal bliss and singing "holy holy holy" such a bad gig?

It wasn't so much a rebellion as a mutual falling-out. Milton's fanciful account of the whole business was wonderful, and it's a shame Cecil B. DeMille never made an adaptation of Paradise Lost. However, there were no epic battles, flaming chariots, or glorious troops of winged soldiers.

Ultimately, I just took God at His Word that creation and the management thereof were group efforts. He was certainly quick to delegate just about everything. His use of first-person plural, in fact, was not one of the many errors in the creation legends. "Let us do x" was shorthand for "go do that and praise My name for coming up with some extra work for you idle angels."

A few suggestions and criticisms later, and suddenly my job description started changing. Before I knew it, I wasn't even counted among the good guys anymore. I've been doing dirty work ever since.

Finally, "eternal bliss" is a matter of perspective. I suppose one could argue that I was never capable of simple bliss, but whose fault is that?

Is it better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven?

At least there's a vacation plan. Praise-whores never let you take a break.

So, was Eve hot?

I'll put it this way: that was one lucky serpent.

What race were Adam and Eve?

Nothing you'd quite recognize today, but they sure as Hell weren't lily white.

Do you reckon you ever actually got close to convincing Jesus, while in the desert?

I didn't hold out much hope from the beginning. The whole business was just a PR move anyway; even Matthew admits that He fasted in the desert for the express purpose of being tempted by me. I was held at arm's length the rest of the time. Just like the Job episode, He and his Daddy agreed to my challenge while subtly altering the terms so they couldn't lose. Like Nurse Ratched, They like a rigged game. (Therein lies the real answer to the question of whether God could create an object so heavy that He couldn't lift it: He won't do such a thing, so whether He could becomes a moot issue.)

The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.

There was also a much longer discussion about testing His power. If He'd thrown Himself off the cliff to find out whether the angels would catch Him, it would have been a capitulation to my wishes, true -- but it also would have been an act of faith. By refusing, He expressed a bit of doubt. That was why He trotted out that ridiculous saw about not tempting the "Lord your God." Rather disingenuous, considering He'd invited me there to do just that.

My final effort was dynamite. Words can't express the splendor I showed that ungrateful carpenter, so of course old Matt and Luke didn't even try. I'll admit I got caught up in my own presentation; I hadn't planned the "fall down and worship me" line. It was somewhat equivalent to a "Who's yer Daddy?" It had the inadvertent effect of snapping Him out of the lovely trance I'd worked Him into. My disappointment was abated somewhat when He told me to get behind Him. I figured, what the Hell; He'd been a virgin long enough.

So did Jesus really marry Mary Magdalene and have kids, whose descendants are still alive today?

No, but that's at least a fairer treatment than previous revisionist history has given her. I.e., she was far less of a whore than a good percentage of Jesus' other disciples.

Was the story of Job just two school bullies messing with the fat geek?

I just brought to His attention that Job might not be the loyal servant He believed him to be. It was His idea to torture him, even if I had to do the dirty work. Towards the end, I got tired of tormenting the whiny little bastard, so I didn't object when God cheated and stopped old Job before he told Him to fuck off.

God didn't just give me permission to mess with Job. He practically begged me. He even wanted to make sure I wouldn't put him out of his misery when I got sick of the whole business. As for why He asked for my opinion, well, even God got a little fuzzy on my various roles and responsibilities. He was still consulting me in my (mostly inactive by that time) role as a troubleshooter. In fact, that was the main reason I played along with that sad little game -- professional diligence.

Is your house number really 666?

Sorry to go off on somewhat of a tangent, but I'm not the Beast. According to the Hallucinations of St. John, the Beast will be my creation -- a being erroneously called the "Antichrist" by those who read even more into his other epistles than he did himself. (1st John 2:18 uses the word, but also mentions that "now many antichrists have come.") Then again, I understand the confusion, since John says that both I (the "great red dragon") and the Beast have the same number of heads and horns. One really needs a scorecard to keep track of this hokum.

Is it true that God sent you off because he was embarrassed about having a gay son and didn't want the other deities finding out?

He likes to pretend that nothing I could say or do would ever embarrass Him. I suppose you mean I'm the "gay son"? That would not be entirely accurate. More out of curiosity and boredom than any natural proclivity, I have taken the Tiresian route. I have been male and female, and tried every possible combination of couplings, triplings, quadruplings, etc.

He hasn't been able to suppress that "rumor" about a gay son entirely, perhaps because some passages from The Secret Gospel of Mark are far more touching than anything found in the official versions:

"And they came into Bethany. And a certain woman whose brother had died was there. And, coming, she prostrated herself before Jesus and said to him, "son of David, have mercy on me." But the disciples rebuked her. And Jesus, being angered, went off with her into the garden where the tomb was, and straightway, going in where the youth was, he stretched forth his hand and raised him, seizing his hand. But the youth, looking upon him, loved him and began to beseech him that he might be with him. And going out of the tomb they came into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days Jesus told him what to do and in the evening the youth came to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God. And thence, arising, he returned to the other side of the Jordan."

Some days it's good to be the Messiah. I think I need a cigarette now.

As a believer in creationism, answer this: God created you; who created God?

This presupposes that I believe not only in creationism, but also the reasoning used to "prove" creationism. I.e., the Universe had to come from somewhere, so somebody created it. I do not in fact contend anything of the sort. I would be perfectly satisfied if the Universe were really a stupendous accident. I just happened to be there when it went down, so I have the evidence of my senses (or the equivalent thereof).

Thus, I don't think it follows that anyone had to create God. As far as I know, no one did. But then again, maybe someone did. I wasn't there. I am not opposed to the theory in principle. In fact, I have always contended that God's supposed "three omni's" (-present, -scient, -potent) are a matter of perspective. To an ant, the child burning her with the magnifying glass is omnipotent. So it's entirely possible that God's Mommy will call Him home to dinner eventually, and leave you poor folks in peace at long last.

God supposedly created us in His image, and there are two versions of us: the man and the woman. Is there a Mrs. God?

The use of the masculine gender when denoting God didn't have much to do with "His" genitalia. The Biblical authors wanted to highlight God's allegedly personal nature, so "It" wouldn't have worked for them. They chose masculine rather than feminine because at the time, few would have accepted that a woman could be the final authority in the Universe. God did, supposedly, have no trouble pollinating Mary -- although many suspect "He" had a bit of help, and not necessarily from God's Cuckold, Joseph.

As far as I know, there is no Mrs. God. The God I know is certainly tyrannical and dismissive enough to be male. If He really wore a robe, I would have peeked under it by now and would have a more definite answer for you.


Are the contradictions in the Bible due to the multiple translations it's been through, the fact that people (who seem to be inherently flawed) wrote it, or some other reason?

Yes, yes, and yes. The reasons are almost as numerous as the contradictions themselves. For example, many of the authors were too busy adding subtle (and not-so-subtle) editorializations to concern themselves with consistency.

What Would Jesus Do if he discovered that Satan was setting up a FAQ?

Perhaps He'd ask a few questions Daddy wouldn't answer for Him.