Satan's FAQ

Hell and the Afterlife

Is Hell really as bad as they say, or is that just a bunch of propaganda?

Hell is not a perpetual barbecue. It's just a permanent separation from God. He is so possessed of Divine insecurity that He insists, rather petulantly, that separation from Him is the most intolerable torment. That's where all of that colorfully illustrated hellfire and brimstone comes from; in His mind, that overwrought metaphor is accurate. Those incapable of independent thought are terrified at the notion of spending Eternity without someone telling them what to do and think, so it's accurate for them too.

Would my eternity be filled with data entry?

As I mentioned above, images of Hell as a place of eternal torment are the delusional products of an insecure deity's propaganda. However, if data entry really turns you on, I can keep you busy typing up some Pat Robertson sermons.

In movies and television they always imply that if a sinner repents to a priest on his deathbed, he can be absolved of all the evil deeds that he did in his life and get into heaven. Is this all a load of crap?

Yes, it’s a load of crap, all the more so because it’s true. That’s right, you can do whatever the Hell you want and Heaven will still welcome you. It has nothing to do with justice, good works, or even mercy. Lick His boot and call Him the top dog, and you get the pleasure of being His fawning toady for Eternity. What fun.

How often do you have to deal with uprisings in hell?

Seems like lately, every other new arrival thinks he/she is going to "take over." They take their T-shirt slogans a bit too seriously. Of course, they're all too obsessed by their Bad Guy/Gal images to organize a true resistance.

Oh, by the way ... when the world ends, will downunder be the first to know?

C'mon, every time the world is ending, the Weekly World News is always the first to know -- or was; damn, how I already miss it. It would have been hilarious when the shit hit the Seven Seals and the WWN were proven right.

Do you take a percentage of Charon's fee?

I wish there really were a River Styx. Rather than taxing poor old Charon, I would probably institute an incentive program to reward him for keeping the annoying ones on the outer shore.

What happens to Atheists?

Most of them refuse to go to Heaven out of sheer stubbornness, but eventually find their way to me. It's odd, really, how much easier it is to accept my existence than it is to accept His. Once in a while, He bends (warps, subverts, twists beyond recognition) His own rules to accept one that He favors.

Did Hell already freeze over during the ice age or something? I'm wondering if it doesn't get super cold there for people that hate cold temperatures anyway.

I'm thinking hypothermia is just as much of a hell as heat exhaustion. This would also explain why sometimes people say to me "It's cold as hell outside today."

Temperature is fairly irrelevant in Hell. Humans merely perceive differences in temperature anyway, not the temperatures themselves. If I wanted to torment them severely, I'd have to subject them to both extremes alternately. God does this on Earth already, which might explain why so many in the American Midwest are looking forward to relief in Heaven.

Perhaps that phrase [hell freezing over] originated from those who have read Dante's Inferno? Speaking of which... Satan, your thoughts on that?

The entire Inferno was just a vehicle for Dante to imagine colorful torments for those who had pissed him off. But one has to give him credit for sneaking in a complaint about the unfairness of the Church's view of homosexuality. He hid it well by devising a particularly sadistic torment for them. I didn't care much for where I ended up in that epic: frozen in ice, with only three sinners to chew on. He could've at least included a TV.

How do you feel about your worshippers? Do you want to be worshipped? Do your worshippers get any special treatment in hell?

Absolutely not. I was already sick of the sycophantic mewlings in Heaven, and they aren't much more palatable when directed toward me. I don't mind the "Hail Satans," but I consider them more equivalent to a "Hey howdy there, pardner" than statements of worship. Anyone who truly worships me is no better than those who bow down to one of the more mainstream flavors of "deity."

Are there any Wiccans or Buddists in hell?

Sure, but as I've covered before, it's not really a punishment -- just a by-product of God's petulant "with Us or against Us" policy. I don't poke them with pitchforks or scorch them with flames -- except for some of the extremist Zen types, who tend to request it. I generally ignore the Buddhists, as their constant diatribes against selfish desire annoy me.

What's the deal with the grim reaper? Is s/he (it?) one of your toadies or a free agent?

I didn't invent Death, I was just the excuse God used to impose mortality on humanity. He'd planned all along to play it that way, of course. As I said before, He likes a rigged game.

Are there communities in Hell? What are housing prices like? Where would you suggest residing in Hell?

Communities: The biggest one, unfortunately, is the crowd that take that whole "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth" business seriously. They're both annoying and depressing. There are various other groups, with new ones being formed all the time by those who can't tolerate any of the existing ones. Still, there aren't as many as, say, Protestant Christian denominations on Earth.

Housing prices: More or less irrelevant. Hell is limited only by human imagination. It expands its borders with every new resident. Otherwise, I'd have been forced to stack you folks in million-story condominiums by now. Thus, other than the above warning about annoying factions, I don't have much specific input on where you should reside.

When Wiccans do end up in Hell, how do they react?

I believe the exact quote I heard was: "What the fuck?"