Satan's FAQ
Satan's FAQ
Satan
Published by Satan
01-07-2007
Default The Blame Game


The Blame Game

(Submitted for B. Breathed) So are you really to blame for cancers, earthquakes, tsunamis, car accidents, murderers, rapes, embezzlement, fires, anxiety, dog hickeys, burnt toast, pope abusers, uncles with bad breath, and the word renobrate?

"Scapegoat" was one of my least favorite job descriptions. I'm not the one with the martyr complex of Biblical proportions. But whether I like it or not, this is a good list of what has been dumped on my doorstep throughout the centuries. So I'll set the record straight:

Cancers: I spend my time in people's conscious thoughts, not their cell membranes.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires: I didn't choose to place such a vast population on this geological powder keg.

Murders, rapes, embezzlement: "The Devil made me do it" is such a convenient cop-out. It's true that when Big Daddy says not to do something, I feel almost compelled to ask, "Why not?" Still, taking the case of murder -- first He says don't kill, then He says "Go kill every man, woman and child behind those walls." It gets rather confusing. Murder could be a sin, or God's will. So many are prone to slaughter and mayhem over, say, the price of gasoline, they wouldn't need the gentlest nudge from me.

Car accidents: Stupidity and inattention accomplish these more efficiently than would a legion of demons.

Anxiety: Depends on the context. I do tend to discourage smug complacency by sowing doubt.

Dog hickeys: My view of "free will" is not particularly favorable, but perhaps that's what is at work within those who sit still long enough for a dog to do that.

Burnt toast, uncles with bad breath: I don't plan to conduct a case-by-case investigation.

Pope abusers: Yes, please. Any volunteers?

The word renobrate: Most likely this Breathed fellow. Such an evil word to loose upon an unsuspecting populace.


Do you turn women into shrieking harpies after they get engaged, or is that God's work?

Part of the problem is that women realize at this point, or fairly soon thereafter, that subtlety won't penetrate all 15 layers of the male cranium. Cue the shrieking.

How do you find time in your busy schedule to ensure that Murphy's Law is strictly enforced in my day-to-day life?

Murphy's Law is a self-perpetuating entity, feeding off the very pessimism it creates. It's fucking beautiful.

Are there any songs that give out satanic messages when played backwards? Any books that have secret messages in them? Or is this just manufactured by the Jesus freaks to scare people?

Sometimes I encourage the use of secret messages. It doesn't even have to be satanic; in my spare time, I take a break from tweaking the "Jesus freaks" to tweak the neurotic conspiracy theorists. It puts me in a happy place.

What do you have to say in your defense in response to this civil suit?

[Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (W.D.Pa. 1971)]


Officially, I have nothing to add to Judge Weber's sensible and thorough opinion regarding the lack of jurisdiction, cause of action or proper service of complaint.

Unofficially, a truly meritorious class action would've been against Mayo, on behalf of every person with whom he crossed paths, and was nauseated by that miserable loser's incessant whining. I'd have been more amused by this silliness if he hadn't dragged my staff into it. I care about my employees.

Insurance companies are a product of the devil, right?

Let's see -- they make a lot of promises about what they'll do for you after you're dead, while demanding constant tithing, and then find a loophole at the last minute to avoid any responsibility. Sounds more like Christianity to me.

If you're Satan then maybe you can explain to me why "the world" hates me so much?

Pardon me for being blunt, but most of "the world" has no idea you exist. That statement is not intended to exacerbate your obvious depression; I just believe a bit of perspective is warranted. Regardless of whether you believe in a God Who loves you, or a "world" that hates you, you remain in thrall of an unseen agent.

If you are currently an atheist, this level of depression could make you ripe for an overzealous evangelist's plucking ("overzealous evangelist" may be a trifle redundant). The best way to avoid this sickening fate is to take full responsibility for everything that happens to you. This requires courage, but ultimately will lead to success much more quickly than praying to God or importuning "the world." Good luck.

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  #1  
By livius drusus on 01-08-2007, 06:15 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

This clears up so many things for me. Thanks, Dark Lord. :thankee:
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  #2  
By Beth on 01-10-2007, 05:08 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Holy crap! This was one of the funniest things that I have read in ages.
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  #3  
By Clutch Munny on 01-06-2008, 01:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.
I'd never read this before. Not only is it hilarious; it actually makes a lot more sense than most theodicies I've seen before.
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  #4  
By Kyuss Apollo on 01-18-2008, 05:16 AM
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Devilman! Can you get me some Slayer tickets?
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  #5  
By Histrionica on 02-22-2008, 11:56 PM
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I'm a recent apostate, so still fairly passionate, and i assure you i'm foible-licious. As for the beach, i'm certain you could supply a lovely warm, brown/white/black one.

*winks and looks damaged*
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  #6  
By Garnet on 06-25-2008, 03:06 AM
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After reading all this, I may well become a Jerryist.

Srsly.
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  #7  
By Smilin on 06-25-2008, 10:20 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Satan, what happened to that lucious avatar you used to Have with the two lesbians...or was that Jesus.?????..

I'm confuzzled now...please help...!!!!
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  #8  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 06-25-2008, 11:24 PM
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That was Jesus. Quit pretending you're not a homo.
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  #9  
By curses on 07-10-2008, 06:28 PM
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Quote:
Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?

Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.
:lmao: I missed this one first time round.
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  #10  
By Arrogant-One on 07-25-2008, 05:33 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I saw a 4 year old on the bus the other day. He was dressed in a Batman costume and sat holding his mother's hand for the whole trip. Half way through the ride, he put on his sunglasses, on top of his Batman mask. It was quite funny I thought, Batman wearing sunglasses.

My point is that just because he wore Batman's costume, that did not really make him Batman.
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  #11  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 07-25-2008, 09:33 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

:rolleye2:

:hugtroll:
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  #12  
By Satan on 07-28-2008, 04:31 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Some folks get awfully bitter when their purportedly "Satanic" rituals don't work. I'm sorry you didn't get your pony, or whatever, but look on the bright side. You had a better-than-average excuse to masturbate.
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  #13  
By JamesBannon on 08-18-2008, 10:55 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hey Satan, did you know you were famous over at Garnet's board? loved the explanations!
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  #14  
By Lion IRC on 08-22-2010, 07:13 AM
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Hi satan,
Do you think that MORE people talking about God and discussing polemic anti-theism books by Mr Hitchens and Mr Dawkins et al helps the cause of theism?
Why not let lazy, apathetic, self-assured psuedo religious types lull themselves into a false sense of security?
Screwtape surely wants to kick Christopher Hitchens in the backside for disturbing the hornets nest just when it was settling down.
Lion (IRC)
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  #15  
By Satan on 08-24-2010, 09:02 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.
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  #16  
By Dingfod on 08-24-2010, 10:34 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.
I know the feeling. Is that normal, or what?
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  #17  
By Lion IRC on 08-25-2010, 04:00 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.

Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?

I would say that "discussing" means contest of ideas and encompasses all aspects of theism including creation, cosmology, the soul,
free will, the afterlife, nature of God(s).

Lion (IRC)
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
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  #18  
By Doctor X on 08-25-2010, 11:19 AM
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Unfortunately, so was the hack.

--J.D.
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  #19  
By Satan on 08-25-2010, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?
I see that I misunderstood the import of your question. I was responding to what appeared to be a faulty premise in your post, namely that theism itself is my enemy. In an attempt to answer your question better, I will point out that the converse is also not necessarily true -- theism is not a particularly reliable ally for God. Obtuse as He often pretends to be, I think He recognizes this. Further, I see little evidence that He is much of a fan of critical thought. Therefore, I believe the net advantage to an increase in theistic discourse to be mine rather than His. So my answer to your rephrased question is no; I will probably enjoy the hornets' buzzing more than He.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
Doing his best to pretend to advance a cause he didn't understand in the first place? I suppose.
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