Satan's FAQ

The Blame Game

(Submitted for B. Breathed) So are you really to blame for cancers, earthquakes, tsunamis, car accidents, murderers, rapes, embezzlement, fires, anxiety, dog hickeys, burnt toast, pope abusers, uncles with bad breath, and the word renobrate?

"Scapegoat" was one of my least favorite job descriptions. I'm not the one with the martyr complex of Biblical proportions. But whether I like it or not, this is a good list of what has been dumped on my doorstep throughout the centuries. So I'll set the record straight:

Cancers: I spend my time in people's conscious thoughts, not their cell membranes.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires: I didn't choose to place such a vast population on this geological powder keg.

Murders, rapes, embezzlement: "The Devil made me do it" is such a convenient cop-out. It's true that when Big Daddy says not to do something, I feel almost compelled to ask, "Why not?" Still, taking the case of murder -- first He says don't kill, then He says "Go kill every man, woman and child behind those walls." It gets rather confusing. Murder could be a sin, or God's will. So many are prone to slaughter and mayhem over, say, the price of gasoline, they wouldn't need the gentlest nudge from me.

Car accidents: Stupidity and inattention accomplish these more efficiently than would a legion of demons.

Anxiety: Depends on the context. I do tend to discourage smug complacency by sowing doubt.

Dog hickeys: My view of "free will" is not particularly favorable, but perhaps that's what is at work within those who sit still long enough for a dog to do that.

Burnt toast, uncles with bad breath: I don't plan to conduct a case-by-case investigation.

Pope abusers: Yes, please. Any volunteers?

The word renobrate: Most likely this Breathed fellow. Such an evil word to loose upon an unsuspecting populace.


Do you turn women into shrieking harpies after they get engaged, or is that God's work?

Part of the problem is that women realize at this point, or fairly soon thereafter, that subtlety won't penetrate all 15 layers of the male cranium. Cue the shrieking.

How do you find time in your busy schedule to ensure that Murphy's Law is strictly enforced in my day-to-day life?

Murphy's Law is a self-perpetuating entity, feeding off the very pessimism it creates. It's fucking beautiful.

Are there any songs that give out satanic messages when played backwards? Any books that have secret messages in them? Or is this just manufactured by the Jesus freaks to scare people?

Sometimes I encourage the use of secret messages. It doesn't even have to be satanic; in my spare time, I take a break from tweaking the "Jesus freaks" to tweak the neurotic conspiracy theorists. It puts me in a happy place.

What do you have to say in your defense in response to this civil suit?

[Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (W.D.Pa. 1971)]

Officially, I have nothing to add to Judge Weber's sensible and thorough opinion regarding the lack of jurisdiction, cause of action or proper service of complaint.

Unofficially, a truly meritorious class action would've been against Mayo, on behalf of every person with whom he crossed paths, and was nauseated by that miserable loser's incessant whining. I'd have been more amused by this silliness if he hadn't dragged my staff into it. I care about my employees.

Insurance companies are a product of the devil, right?

Let's see -- they make a lot of promises about what they'll do for you after you're dead, while demanding constant tithing, and then find a loophole at the last minute to avoid any responsibility. Sounds more like Christianity to me.

If you're Satan then maybe you can explain to me why "the world" hates me so much?

Pardon me for being blunt, but most of "the world" has no idea you exist. That statement is not intended to exacerbate your obvious depression; I just believe a bit of perspective is warranted. Regardless of whether you believe in a God Who loves you, or a "world" that hates you, you remain in thrall of an unseen agent.

If you are currently an atheist, this level of depression could make you ripe for an overzealous evangelist's plucking ("overzealous evangelist" may be a trifle redundant). The best way to avoid this sickening fate is to take full responsibility for everything that happens to you. This requires courage, but ultimately will lead to success much more quickly than praying to God or importuning "the world." Good luck.