Satan's FAQ

Celebrities, Past and Present

Who is in hell? Anyone famous? Who didn't get to go?

Hell is a bit like the Muppet Show was in the 70s. Everybody wants a guest spot. A lot of folks who acted like they wanted to retire there couldn't because of command appearances in Heaven -- King David, Fred Rogers, et al.

Are you keeping Keith Richards alive as a payment for writing "Sympathy for the Devil"? (Of course, I'm assuming that he really is alive.)

Nah, I'm already sick of the "Pleased to meet you" line -- everybody expects me to trot it out on every occasion, as if I was the one who coined it in the first place.

I never asked for or expected sympathy. As for what keeps that creature's ticker pumping, there are questions not even I can answer. I suspect it's not a reward of any sort.

Did Anton Lavey have it right?

I do still get this one fairly often. I suppose that means this fellow had slightly more impact than I had predicted. The more impressionable among us "fallen" types brought The Satanic Bible to my attention, back in the '60s. I hated to quell their childlike enthusiasm. They were excited that a new Age of Satan was in the offing, and even expected that churches by the thousands would be converted into brothels and hip nightclubs. The problem was, we didn't need a new age. Every age is mine, regardless of church attendance figures. I didn't expect the Church of Satan to attract much attention after its honeymoon with public outrage. As I expected, while it's still around, it remains quite small.

He appears to have pulled his "translation" of Enochian straight out of his ass. And as for anyone who wants to cast a "lust" spell on someone by masturbating by candlelight, I wish you luck.

I'll concede that most of his "Satanic Statements" were accurate, particularly the one about my role in keeping the churches in business. In fact, please don’t interpret my comments as dislike for Lavey. He was a peach of a fellow, just not my Chosen One.

Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?

Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.

Does it bother you that Miroslav Satan of the Buffalo Sabres pronounces his name Suh-TAHN instead of the more common SAY-tin?

Not at all. I rather like the cadence that way.

Is there a reason he doesn't play for the New Jersey Devils?

He doesn't pronounce his name properly.

So ... How is Jack Parsons, anyhow?

I don’t think he even realizes where he is yet. He’s too busy circle-jerking with L. Ron Hubbard.

Tell Crowley hi for me. And tell him to f*ck off for leaving complete idiots in charge of his organization. It hasn't been the same since he left.

Crowley is even more enraptured than Parsons. He hasn’t stopped performing his Qabbalistic calculations since he arrived. I think he solved the Grand Unified Theory a while back, but he didn’t notice. I believe he’s currently working on a way to resolve the Naples Arrangement with the mysteries of his belly button lint.

How did Ronald DeFeo get all of them without anyone waking up?

That's not as mysterious as the question of how the audience avoided falling asleep during those last half-dozen or so Amityville Horror films.

What about Jimmy Page? Did he really worship you? What kind of rituals? Were you involved with the tragedy that happened at the house he bought?

Jimmy was a committed Crowley groupie at the time, not a worshipper of mine. Goetic magicks and heroin are a nasty mix, but that didn't stop Jimmy until it was too late. Just as you would call the Orkin Man to deal with a termite problem rather than getting a degree in entomology, I don't get personally involved in minor demonic activities.

Where is Douglas Adams and has he changed his mind? And if he's with you, is he wearing short pants as feared?

Nobody from either side is sure exactly where Mr. Adams went, only that all the towels are gone from his cupboard.

Is Rush on the radio down there? Maybe you can give him his own cable network. Something like Right in Hell....

I'll suggest that to him when he arrives. Talk radio is a self-contained Hell on Earth, so it would be redundant to broadcast it in Hell.

Satan, how is it that Duke and DePaul are considered church schools but each has mascots of Blue Devils and Blue Demons respectively?

Some church schools are more honest than others.

Were you really good friends with Ambrose Bierce?

Sure, and Ambrose was the Fifth Beatle, too. Name-droppers are SO annoying.

Will the A's make it past the first round of playoffs this season?

Just like Miss Cleo, I normally charge a fee for providing blatantly fictional information about the future. But seriously, I tend to avoid voicing uninformed opinions. Regarding baseball, I follow the drug scandals and players' arrests far more closely than the current standings.

Was Nostrodamus a fake or what?

The poor guy was just a frustrated poet. Imagine his surprise, and the boost to his flagging ego, when he learned of his posthumous fame as an oracle. That boost was tempered by the fact that what he really wanted was recognition of his creativity, something he rarely gets.