Satan's FAQ
Satan's FAQ
Satan
Published by Satan
01-07-2007
Default Celebrities, Past and Present


Celebrities, Past and Present

Who is in hell? Anyone famous? Who didn't get to go?

Hell is a bit like the Muppet Show was in the 70s. Everybody wants a guest spot. A lot of folks who acted like they wanted to retire there couldn't because of command appearances in Heaven -- King David, Fred Rogers, et al.

Are you keeping Keith Richards alive as a payment for writing "Sympathy for the Devil"? (Of course, I'm assuming that he really is alive.)

Nah, I'm already sick of the "Pleased to meet you" line -- everybody expects me to trot it out on every occasion, as if I was the one who coined it in the first place.

I never asked for or expected sympathy. As for what keeps that creature's ticker pumping, there are questions not even I can answer. I suspect it's not a reward of any sort.

Did Anton Lavey have it right?

I do still get this one fairly often. I suppose that means this fellow had slightly more impact than I had predicted. The more impressionable among us "fallen" types brought The Satanic Bible to my attention, back in the '60s. I hated to quell their childlike enthusiasm. They were excited that a new Age of Satan was in the offing, and even expected that churches by the thousands would be converted into brothels and hip nightclubs. The problem was, we didn't need a new age. Every age is mine, regardless of church attendance figures. I didn't expect the Church of Satan to attract much attention after its honeymoon with public outrage. As I expected, while it's still around, it remains quite small.

He appears to have pulled his "translation" of Enochian straight out of his ass. And as for anyone who wants to cast a "lust" spell on someone by masturbating by candlelight, I wish you luck.

I'll concede that most of his "Satanic Statements" were accurate, particularly the one about my role in keeping the churches in business. In fact, please donít interpret my comments as dislike for Lavey. He was a peach of a fellow, just not my Chosen One.

Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?

Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.

Does it bother you that Miroslav Satan of the Buffalo Sabres pronounces his name Suh-TAHN instead of the more common SAY-tin?

Not at all. I rather like the cadence that way.

Is there a reason he doesn't play for the New Jersey Devils?

He doesn't pronounce his name properly.

So ... How is Jack Parsons, anyhow?

I donít think he even realizes where he is yet. Heís too busy circle-jerking with L. Ron Hubbard.

Tell Crowley hi for me. And tell him to f*ck off for leaving complete idiots in charge of his organization. It hasn't been the same since he left.

Crowley is even more enraptured than Parsons. He hasnít stopped performing his Qabbalistic calculations since he arrived. I think he solved the Grand Unified Theory a while back, but he didnít notice. I believe heís currently working on a way to resolve the Naples Arrangement with the mysteries of his belly button lint.

How did Ronald DeFeo get all of them without anyone waking up?

That's not as mysterious as the question of how the audience avoided falling asleep during those last half-dozen or so Amityville Horror films.

What about Jimmy Page? Did he really worship you? What kind of rituals? Were you involved with the tragedy that happened at the house he bought?

Jimmy was a committed Crowley groupie at the time, not a worshipper of mine. Goetic magicks and heroin are a nasty mix, but that didn't stop Jimmy until it was too late. Just as you would call the Orkin Man to deal with a termite problem rather than getting a degree in entomology, I don't get personally involved in minor demonic activities.

Where is Douglas Adams and has he changed his mind? And if he's with you, is he wearing short pants as feared?

Nobody from either side is sure exactly where Mr. Adams went, only that all the towels are gone from his cupboard.

Is Rush on the radio down there? Maybe you can give him his own cable network. Something like Right in Hell....

I'll suggest that to him when he arrives. Talk radio is a self-contained Hell on Earth, so it would be redundant to broadcast it in Hell.

Satan, how is it that Duke and DePaul are considered church schools but each has mascots of Blue Devils and Blue Demons respectively?

Some church schools are more honest than others.

Were you really good friends with Ambrose Bierce?

Sure, and Ambrose was the Fifth Beatle, too. Name-droppers are SO annoying.

Will the A's make it past the first round of playoffs this season?

Just like Miss Cleo, I normally charge a fee for providing blatantly fictional information about the future. But seriously, I tend to avoid voicing uninformed opinions. Regarding baseball, I follow the drug scandals and players' arrests far more closely than the current standings.

Was Nostrodamus a fake or what?

The poor guy was just a frustrated poet. Imagine his surprise, and the boost to his flagging ego, when he learned of his posthumous fame as an oracle. That boost was tempered by the fact that what he really wanted was recognition of his creativity, something he rarely gets.

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Thanks, from:
Beth (06-23-2013), Themrucoe (04-09-2015)
  #1  
By livius drusus on 01-08-2007, 06:15 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

This clears up so many things for me. Thanks, Dark Lord. :thankee:
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  #2  
By Beth on 01-10-2007, 05:08 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Holy crap! This was one of the funniest things that I have read in ages.
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  #3  
By Clutch Munny on 01-06-2008, 01:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.
I'd never read this before. Not only is it hilarious; it actually makes a lot more sense than most theodicies I've seen before.
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  #4  
By Kyuss Apollo on 01-18-2008, 05:16 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Devilman! Can you get me some Slayer tickets?
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  #5  
By Histrionica on 02-22-2008, 11:56 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I'm a recent apostate, so still fairly passionate, and i assure you i'm foible-licious. As for the beach, i'm certain you could supply a lovely warm, brown/white/black one.

*winks and looks damaged*
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  #6  
By Garnet on 06-25-2008, 03:06 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

After reading all this, I may well become a Jerryist.

Srsly.
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  #7  
By Smilin on 06-25-2008, 10:20 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Satan, what happened to that lucious avatar you used to Have with the two lesbians...or was that Jesus.?????..

I'm confuzzled now...please help...!!!!
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  #8  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 06-25-2008, 11:24 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

That was Jesus. Quit pretending you're not a homo.
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  #9  
By curses on 07-10-2008, 06:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?

Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.
:lmao: I missed this one first time round.
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  #10  
By Arrogant-One on 07-25-2008, 05:33 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I saw a 4 year old on the bus the other day. He was dressed in a Batman costume and sat holding his mother's hand for the whole trip. Half way through the ride, he put on his sunglasses, on top of his Batman mask. It was quite funny I thought, Batman wearing sunglasses.

My point is that just because he wore Batman's costume, that did not really make him Batman.
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  #11  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 07-25-2008, 09:33 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

:rolleye2:

:hugtroll:
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  #12  
By Satan on 07-28-2008, 04:31 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Some folks get awfully bitter when their purportedly "Satanic" rituals don't work. I'm sorry you didn't get your pony, or whatever, but look on the bright side. You had a better-than-average excuse to masturbate.
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  #13  
By JamesBannon on 08-18-2008, 10:55 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hey Satan, did you know you were famous over at Garnet's board? loved the explanations!
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  #14  
By Lion IRC on 08-22-2010, 07:13 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hi satan,
Do you think that MORE people talking about God and discussing polemic anti-theism books by Mr Hitchens and Mr Dawkins et al helps the cause of theism?
Why not let lazy, apathetic, self-assured psuedo religious types lull themselves into a false sense of security?
Screwtape surely wants to kick Christopher Hitchens in the backside for disturbing the hornets nest just when it was settling down.
Lion (IRC)
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  #15  
By Satan on 08-24-2010, 09:02 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.
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  #16  
By Dingfod on 08-24-2010, 10:34 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.
I know the feeling. Is that normal, or what?
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  #17  
By Lion IRC on 08-25-2010, 04:00 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.

Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?

I would say that "discussing" means contest of ideas and encompasses all aspects of theism including creation, cosmology, the soul,
free will, the afterlife, nature of God(s).

Lion (IRC)
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
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  #18  
By Doctor X on 08-25-2010, 11:19 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Unfortunately, so was the hack.

--J.D.
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  #19  
By Satan on 08-25-2010, 04:36 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?
I see that I misunderstood the import of your question. I was responding to what appeared to be a faulty premise in your post, namely that theism itself is my enemy. In an attempt to answer your question better, I will point out that the converse is also not necessarily true -- theism is not a particularly reliable ally for God. Obtuse as He often pretends to be, I think He recognizes this. Further, I see little evidence that He is much of a fan of critical thought. Therefore, I believe the net advantage to an increase in theistic discourse to be mine rather than His. So my answer to your rephrased question is no; I will probably enjoy the hornets' buzzing more than He.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
Doing his best to pretend to advance a cause he didn't understand in the first place? I suppose.
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