Satan's FAQ

Miscellaneous

Boxers, briefs, or commando?

I can't abide restrictions of any kind.

So, do you date, or does your dedication to being the Ultimate Evil preclude you from having a personal life?

It's difficult in my position to find anyone other than sycophantic groupies to date, and I tired of those long ago. I am still incredibly busy, despite the potential for outsourcing I discussed above.

Hi, Dad.

Ah, another paternity suit in the making. To be fair, I must inform you that the jurisdictional issues are insurmountable. Remember, just because your family calls you by the pet name of "Hellspawn," that doesn't quite constitute a paternity claim.

You seem to be a lot cooler than God. He's like the strict Dad, and you're the cool uncle who lets us smoke pot. Thanks for the evil stuff. Sometimes it's a lot of fun.

You're quite welcome for the "evil stuff." Careful with the substances, though. Addiction leads to self-hate, which leads to 12-step programs, which lead to a particularly sickening brand of Christianity.

Country music: WTF is that all about then?

Speaking of torment. Imagine how I felt when Hank Williams Sr. showed up.

Do you really wear Prada??

I have Versace and Halston under my employ. Of the still-earthbound, I prefer Manolo Blahnik, despite the association with that horrid Carrie Bradshaw character. Come to think of it, I adore the entire fashion world. It's so amusing to see such mundane items as shoes and handbags create vicious stampedes and crippling debt.

Is it true that you have all the best tunes?

How often does a choir tune top the charts anymore? Ray Charles might be in Heaven, but where do you suppose most of the best musicians wind up? Musically, Hell ain't no bad place to be.

Could you have a press conference?

I already held a press conference, but I only had time for a couple of questions. Sorry you missed it.

Are there wireless "hot spots" in Hell, and is AOL the only ISP you can sign up for?

Someone brought this up before, saying that I must be from AOL. I did my best not to take it personally; after all, I get insulted almost as grievously at your average Baptist tent revival. But no, you can choose your own ISP in Hell. Far be it from me to interfere with anyone's access to porn.

There is no cellular/wireless service at all. People complain about the horrific oppression of not being able to text-message important information like "I LV U BABYCAKES," but they eventually learn to cope somehow.

Can we get broadband in hell? That's the important part. I mean, if you *really* want porn, you need broadband.

We're far beyond the quaint limitations of broadband. Our transfer rates are quick enough to satisfy even your appetites. One would think the porn would become more imaginative as a result, but it doesn’t. This goes into there, there, there ... this accommodates that, this, the other thing ... these rub those ... this spews that fluid ... it could be I've lived too long among the corporeal to be impressed by any of it anymore. But by all means, enjoy.

What the hell is that whooshing noise in my office?

It's what corporate types like to call "white noise." It's actually the sound of independent thought being sucked out of your brain through your ears. Spend a few more years in the office and you'll stop noticing it.

Do we have you to thank for all the watery American beer?

I'm a huge fan of good booze. American beer is the worst form of alcohol abuse. I suspect it was born of a Puritanical conspiracy to limit enjoyment of a good drunken debauch.

Who came up with the 3 wise monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)?

The "wise" monkeys do seem to capture the essence of obedience to God -- don't look, don't listen, and shut the fuck up. I believe this is a case of accidentally brilliant satire, which is rather impressive considering that there are only three monkeys involved, and no typewriters.

Do you like [insert whatever rock/pop band here]?

I must confess that I listen to very little popular music. I am frequently blamed for my involvement in rock 'n' roll (and jazz before that, and Paganini before that ... ad nauseaum), but that began as a wildly unsuccessful attempt to prevent it from catching on, and later became a hackneyed means of propping up countless "bad boy" images.

What's your favorite [television show/episode]?

I have very little time to watch television, although I spend a great deal evangelizing for it. It’s such a wonderful replacement for traditional religion, to which its vast number of converts attests.

What are your views on sarcasm?

Sarcasm can be fun, when used properly. When it’s understood, it’s quite entertaining. When it flies over someone’s head, it’s even more entertaining. It’s multipurpose fun for the whole family.

Is there a difference between being in love and infatuation?

The modern definition of being "in love" IS infatuation. Infatuation is merely a form of lust, wrapped up in a cocoon of warm and fuzzy emotions. There are deeper levels of love (although C. S. Lewis can shove that "Agape" nonsense), but most humans are too busy writing internal poetry to their unexamined projections to get anywhere near them.

Does God really kill a kitten every time someone masturbates?

There aren't that many kittens on the face of the Earth. Felis catus would be completely extinct many times over by now.

Can I have your autograph?

Only if I can have yours. I have the paper right here, but I'm afraid ink won't do ...

Cool, but I'm anemic; is that going to cause a problem?

I'm patient. Besides, a bit of gentle squeezing usually does the trick, or so I've learned from a few rather over-eager anemics.

Do you know how much I can get for your autograph on eBay?

A vast quantity of annoyingly obtuse demands that you verify its authenticity.

Satan, what makes you get out of bed in the morning?

I don't sleep, thus the dilemma never arises.

And what turns you on?

Long walks on the beach, passionate apostasy, and the never-ending pageant of human foibles.

Why did you choose this particular message board to conduct this Q&A session?

The screen name was available.