Satan's FAQ
Satan's FAQ
Satan
Published by Satan
01-07-2007
Default Miscellaneous


Miscellaneous

Boxers, briefs, or commando?

I can't abide restrictions of any kind.

So, do you date, or does your dedication to being the Ultimate Evil preclude you from having a personal life?

It's difficult in my position to find anyone other than sycophantic groupies to date, and I tired of those long ago. I am still incredibly busy, despite the potential for outsourcing I discussed above.

Hi, Dad.

Ah, another paternity suit in the making. To be fair, I must inform you that the jurisdictional issues are insurmountable. Remember, just because your family calls you by the pet name of "Hellspawn," that doesn't quite constitute a paternity claim.

You seem to be a lot cooler than God. He's like the strict Dad, and you're the cool uncle who lets us smoke pot. Thanks for the evil stuff. Sometimes it's a lot of fun.

You're quite welcome for the "evil stuff." Careful with the substances, though. Addiction leads to self-hate, which leads to 12-step programs, which lead to a particularly sickening brand of Christianity.

Country music: WTF is that all about then?

Speaking of torment. Imagine how I felt when Hank Williams Sr. showed up.

Do you really wear Prada??

I have Versace and Halston under my employ. Of the still-earthbound, I prefer Manolo Blahnik, despite the association with that horrid Carrie Bradshaw character. Come to think of it, I adore the entire fashion world. It's so amusing to see such mundane items as shoes and handbags create vicious stampedes and crippling debt.

Is it true that you have all the best tunes?

How often does a choir tune top the charts anymore? Ray Charles might be in Heaven, but where do you suppose most of the best musicians wind up? Musically, Hell ain't no bad place to be.

Could you have a press conference?

I already held a press conference, but I only had time for a couple of questions. Sorry you missed it.

Are there wireless "hot spots" in Hell, and is AOL the only ISP you can sign up for?

Someone brought this up before, saying that I must be from AOL. I did my best not to take it personally; after all, I get insulted almost as grievously at your average Baptist tent revival. But no, you can choose your own ISP in Hell. Far be it from me to interfere with anyone's access to porn.

There is no cellular/wireless service at all. People complain about the horrific oppression of not being able to text-message important information like "I LV U BABYCAKES," but they eventually learn to cope somehow.

Can we get broadband in hell? That's the important part. I mean, if you *really* want porn, you need broadband.

We're far beyond the quaint limitations of broadband. Our transfer rates are quick enough to satisfy even your appetites. One would think the porn would become more imaginative as a result, but it doesnít. This goes into there, there, there ... this accommodates that, this, the other thing ... these rub those ... this spews that fluid ... it could be I've lived too long among the corporeal to be impressed by any of it anymore. But by all means, enjoy.

What the hell is that whooshing noise in my office?

It's what corporate types like to call "white noise." It's actually the sound of independent thought being sucked out of your brain through your ears. Spend a few more years in the office and you'll stop noticing it.

Do we have you to thank for all the watery American beer?

I'm a huge fan of good booze. American beer is the worst form of alcohol abuse. I suspect it was born of a Puritanical conspiracy to limit enjoyment of a good drunken debauch.

Who came up with the 3 wise monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)?

The "wise" monkeys do seem to capture the essence of obedience to God -- don't look, don't listen, and shut the fuck up. I believe this is a case of accidentally brilliant satire, which is rather impressive considering that there are only three monkeys involved, and no typewriters.

Do you like [insert whatever rock/pop band here]?

I must confess that I listen to very little popular music. I am frequently blamed for my involvement in rock 'n' roll (and jazz before that, and Paganini before that ... ad nauseaum), but that began as a wildly unsuccessful attempt to prevent it from catching on, and later became a hackneyed means of propping up countless "bad boy" images.

What's your favorite [television show/episode]?

I have very little time to watch television, although I spend a great deal evangelizing for it. Itís such a wonderful replacement for traditional religion, to which its vast number of converts attests.

What are your views on sarcasm?

Sarcasm can be fun, when used properly. When itís understood, itís quite entertaining. When it flies over someoneís head, itís even more entertaining. Itís multipurpose fun for the whole family.

Is there a difference between being in love and infatuation?

The modern definition of being "in love" IS infatuation. Infatuation is merely a form of lust, wrapped up in a cocoon of warm and fuzzy emotions. There are deeper levels of love (although C. S. Lewis can shove that "Agape" nonsense), but most humans are too busy writing internal poetry to their unexamined projections to get anywhere near them.

Does God really kill a kitten every time someone masturbates?

There aren't that many kittens on the face of the Earth. Felis catus would be completely extinct many times over by now.

Can I have your autograph?

Only if I can have yours. I have the paper right here, but I'm afraid ink won't do ...

Cool, but I'm anemic; is that going to cause a problem?

I'm patient. Besides, a bit of gentle squeezing usually does the trick, or so I've learned from a few rather over-eager anemics.

Do you know how much I can get for your autograph on eBay?

A vast quantity of annoyingly obtuse demands that you verify its authenticity.

Satan, what makes you get out of bed in the morning?

I don't sleep, thus the dilemma never arises.

And what turns you on?

Long walks on the beach, passionate apostasy, and the never-ending pageant of human foibles.

Why did you choose this particular message board to conduct this Q&A session?

The screen name was available.
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  #1  
By livius drusus on 01-08-2007, 06:15 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

This clears up so many things for me. Thanks, Dark Lord. :thankee:
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  #2  
By Beth on 01-10-2007, 05:08 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Holy crap! This was one of the funniest things that I have read in ages.
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  #3  
By Clutch Munny on 01-06-2008, 01:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
The Biblical accounts are accurate, if severely edited. They left out all of the fun I had with it, such as appearing in the form of a baker, replete with the odor of freshly baked bread.
I'd never read this before. Not only is it hilarious; it actually makes a lot more sense than most theodicies I've seen before.
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  #4  
By Kyuss Apollo on 01-18-2008, 05:16 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Devilman! Can you get me some Slayer tickets?
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  #5  
By Histrionica on 02-22-2008, 11:56 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I'm a recent apostate, so still fairly passionate, and i assure you i'm foible-licious. As for the beach, i'm certain you could supply a lovely warm, brown/white/black one.

*winks and looks damaged*
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  #6  
By Garnet on 06-25-2008, 03:06 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

After reading all this, I may well become a Jerryist.

Srsly.
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  #7  
By Smilin on 06-25-2008, 10:20 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Satan, what happened to that lucious avatar you used to Have with the two lesbians...or was that Jesus.?????..

I'm confuzzled now...please help...!!!!
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  #8  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 06-25-2008, 11:24 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

That was Jesus. Quit pretending you're not a homo.
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  #9  
By curses on 07-10-2008, 06:28 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Are you still miffed that Johnny is a better fiddler than you?

Actually, the worst part was having to spend so much time in Georgia.
:lmao: I missed this one first time round.
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  #10  
By Arrogant-One on 07-25-2008, 05:33 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

I saw a 4 year old on the bus the other day. He was dressed in a Batman costume and sat holding his mother's hand for the whole trip. Half way through the ride, he put on his sunglasses, on top of his Batman mask. It was quite funny I thought, Batman wearing sunglasses.

My point is that just because he wore Batman's costume, that did not really make him Batman.
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  #11  
By Uthgar the Brazen on 07-25-2008, 09:33 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

:rolleye2:

:hugtroll:
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  #12  
By Satan on 07-28-2008, 04:31 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Some folks get awfully bitter when their purportedly "Satanic" rituals don't work. I'm sorry you didn't get your pony, or whatever, but look on the bright side. You had a better-than-average excuse to masturbate.
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  #13  
By JamesBannon on 08-18-2008, 10:55 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hey Satan, did you know you were famous over at Garnet's board? loved the explanations!
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  #14  
By Lion IRC on 08-22-2010, 07:13 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Hi satan,
Do you think that MORE people talking about God and discussing polemic anti-theism books by Mr Hitchens and Mr Dawkins et al helps the cause of theism?
Why not let lazy, apathetic, self-assured psuedo religious types lull themselves into a false sense of security?
Screwtape surely wants to kick Christopher Hitchens in the backside for disturbing the hornets nest just when it was settling down.
Lion (IRC)
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  #15  
By Satan on 08-24-2010, 09:02 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.
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  #16  
By Dingfod on 08-24-2010, 10:34 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.
I know the feeling. Is that normal, or what?
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  #17  
By Lion IRC on 08-25-2010, 04:00 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satan View Post
As I mentioned in the FAQ, I am an advocate for sin, not necessarily atheism. Atheism is one tool in the box, to be sure, but not the only one, nor in fact even my favorite. Using religion is much more fun. As long as there are churches, I will always spend more time in them than at atheist advocacy meetings.

Further, I never seriously entertained the idea of slinking around and hoping nobody mentions God. I can rarely pass a hornet's nest without finding that giving it a good thump is overwhelmingly ... tempting, if you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, and Screwtape was just the mouthpiece for a sanctimonious hack.

But thank you for the question. I will consider it for addition to the FAQ.

Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?

I would say that "discussing" means contest of ideas and encompasses all aspects of theism including creation, cosmology, the soul,
free will, the afterlife, nature of God(s).

Lion (IRC)
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
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  #18  
By Doctor X on 08-25-2010, 11:19 AM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Unfortunately, so was the hack.

--J.D.
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  #19  
By Satan on 08-25-2010, 04:36 PM
Default Re: Satan's FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
Hi satan,

Eloquent reply. Thanks. But I cant help noticing that you didnt actually answer yes or no to the question...

"Do you think that MORE people talking about God (and you) helps the cause of theism?"

Maybe I should rephrase the question.

On the whole, do you think God would welcome an overall increase in the number of people discussing theism?
I see that I misunderstood the import of your question. I was responding to what appeared to be a faulty premise in your post, namely that theism itself is my enemy. In an attempt to answer your question better, I will point out that the converse is also not necessarily true -- theism is not a particularly reliable ally for God. Obtuse as He often pretends to be, I think He recognizes this. Further, I see little evidence that He is much of a fan of critical thought. Therefore, I believe the net advantage to an increase in theistic discourse to be mine rather than His. So my answer to your rephrased question is no; I will probably enjoy the hornets' buzzing more than He.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
PS - I think you are a bit harsh on Screwtape. He was doing his best.
Doing his best to pretend to advance a cause he didn't understand in the first place? I suppose.
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