Problems Only Introverts Will Understand

[LadyShea]

Sorry guys, I was actually making a bit of a joke. Several people commented about people that suck and so I reduced it. I don't really think it's as simple as that.

So nevermind!

[Beth]

My mother is an extrovert, and thinks that there is something wrong with me because I would rather pack a lunch and eat it at a park, than eat in a crowded place. I love being home. I never get bored. I always have something to do at home from read, watch tv, cook, clean, go outside and play... I talk to my son, and make light chit-chat with neighbors as they roam around their yard. I don't like crowds. I don't like having to speak to people all of the time.

Last night she was trying to convince me that I am severely depressed because I, a mainly vegetarian, refused to go out to eat at a steak house today so that I could be ill at the smell of cooked flesh, and chase a three-year-old around.

[Beth]

And I will say that I did much more socializing before I had another young-un. I still chose to chat with just a few people, but I was much more outgoing. If I go off without my son, I am a totally different person, and I am less prone to panic attacks, but when I go off with him, I tend to panic in crowds, and in social setting in which many try to demand my attention. I think that this stems from my son disappearing at a birthday party while I was trying to escape a crowd.

Another issue is, I don't spank. I do time out, but when I put him in time out in gatherings, there is always some jerk who either starts talking to him, or decides to put me down because I am raising a future thug. So, maybe I am not completely a natural introvert, but that it is a reaction to parenting a small child?

[wildernesse]

RA is an introvert. I am an extrovert.

At the end of a long day, when there is still just a lot of stuff that has to be done because froguar etc., what helps me get through it is if RA is just in the room. He doesn't have to talk to me or interact or DO anything, but I need that additional presence to have enough energy to make it through the next hour or two. Sometimes I just go and sit in the same room with him while he works.

Unfortunately, because he is Mr. SuperIntrovert who has spent the day lecturing to his 400+ student class, holding office hours, supervising his lab, attending meetings, having conference calls, etc. this is pretty much torture. All he wants to do when he gets home is eat, do something fun with the froguar, and then go in a room and shut the door for a few hours. He also requires a ridiculous-to-me amount of time to get ready in the morning because he avoids everyone and needs time to think and get his brain going.

It is actually really challenging to deal with a person who is very introverted and who works extremely long hours interacting with others, because there aren't enough waking home hours for them to do much housework/parenting and get the break from interacting with people that they need. RA compensates by not sleeping, basically.

[Beth]

See, I honestly think I married an introvert who deals with it by drinking... coming from some conversations that I have had from him. He is happy sober when he has his me time, but our son won't always give him that. Plus, when I speak to him it is not usually on a shallow level.

But when he drinks, he wants to be around everyone and their moms, and I just don't care for that. I am married to two different men in one package. It gets confusing and stressful to me. Thank gawd my husband is so great with my son, even if he is in an alone mood. I think this is why he just takes off once a year, though, and is off the radar for a few days.

[BrotherMan]

I don't know if this video will add anything new or special, but here it is anyway.

Party Survival Guide for Introverts - YouTube

When I was a younger bort I could attend parties without much of a problem. I could laugh and dance and have a time but looking back I didn't interact with a lot of people regardless of how many were actually there. I wasn't a social butterfly at all. And oddly enough, I would find myself implementing at least some of the techniques I saw in the video. Not actively, I guess, but if I felt overwhelmed or whatever, I'd retreat to a quiet-ish space and chill until I felt better or I would find some party helping task to do (that didn't necessarily require me to interact with anyone). On the odd times, I would make my way around listening to what different groups were talking about and if I heard something interesting or thought I could contribute I'd stop and mingle-ish.

[Beth]

Originally Posted by BrotherMan

I don't know if this video will add anything new or special, but here it is anyway.

Party Survival Guide for Introverts - YouTube

When I was a younger bort I could attend parties without much of a problem. I could laugh and dance and have a time but looking back I didn't interact with a lot of people regardless of how many were actually there. I wasn't a social butterfly at all. And oddly enough, I would find myself implementing at least some of the techniques I saw in the video. Not actively, I guess, but if I felt overwhelmed or whatever, I'd retreat to a quiet-ish space and chill until I felt better or I would find some party helping task to do (that didn't necessarily require me to interact with anyone). On the odd times, I would make my way around listening to what different groups were talking about and if I heard something interesting or thought I could contribute I'd stop and mingle-ish.

Haha! I do this w/out knowing this! Normally I give my upfront statement that I can't drink beyond one and that I cannot stay long, along with my gracious thanks for being invited. Then, I get my family to watch my kid, I chat for a minute, then go to work. I then fall back into caring for my child and the multitudes of others. Then I use my child's tantrum as a reason that he is too tired and I must go! OMG!!!

[Ensign Steve]

Aspergers Syndrome - Star Trek version - YouTube

[BrotherMan]

Why did I never think about using the Seven of Nine method for interacting!?



(Well, mostly because all of my partying was done before Voyager was a thing.)

[Kael]

I manage to pull that regularly at family reunions and even occasionally in my 4-5 person gaming group. The family reunions are too easy, though, on accounta I've got jack shit in common with my extended family.

[Megatron]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

I think we can conclude from all of this that being introverted really means nothing more than not liking to be with stupid, boring people.

Close the thread, she's solved it.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Kael

I manage to pull that regularly at family reunions and even occasionally in my 4-5 person gaming group. The family reunions are too easy, though, on accounta I've got jack shit in common with my extended family.

The video recommendations were pretty much what I did at family reunions until I hosted the damned thing last year. If you're the host, you don't get to fade into the wallpaper as I am want to do. I was so exhausted by the time the last of fambly ambled off, I wanted nothing more than a high alcoholic content beverage in a cool quiet place. The bar I frequent had to do. Unfortunately, my wife is not content with quiet, nor cool, for that matter, so she popped some money in the jukebox and played some upbeat oldies. Fuck that shit, I used my AMI phone app and put a bunch of Pink Floyd and Eric Burden and The Animals in front of all her songs. If we must to listen to noise, I want my noise, not some disco tunes.

[Beth]

I like having dinners...here I get to invite who actually comes. I stay busy, I cook, I put my kid in time out if needed, and I do not serve alcohol, so people leave. Good times!

[erimir]

Thinking about it more... It seems a lot of you dread going to parties.

I don't dread parties unless:

1. I won't know anybody there. This is particularly bad when I have only a tenuous connection to the people there and so there are fewer shared interests or natural things to talk about.
2. Or the only people I will know are the hosts, and therefore I won't be able to cling to them haha
3. Or there will be a significant number of people I dislike or who I have nothing in common with/are boring (e.g. a frat party)
4. I will be forced to do things I don't necessarily want to do... e.g. dance, sing karaoke, etc. I will probably need to drink alcohol before I can do those things, and even then I won't necessarily want to.

But if it's a case where I'll have a group of friends, I don't mind (although I may choose to go off alone at some point). There's a good chance I would enjoy a smaller gathering MORE, but I definitely can and do have good times at parties as long as I know enough people.

[The Lone Ranger]

One of the videos above has a link called "Top Ten Myths About Introverts," which is interesting.

"Myth #1 - Introverts don't like to talk. This is not true. Introverts just don't talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk."

Check. I hate small talk, and have no use for it. I'll talk if I have a reason to. Otherwise, I prefer to keep quiet.

"Myth #2 - Introverts are shy. Shyness has nothing to do with being an introvert. What they need is a reason to interact. They don't interact for the sake of interacting."

Check again. I'm not the least bit shy. I just don't like to interact with people unless I have a valid reason to. "To be social" is not a valid reason.

Myth #9 - Introverts don't know how to relax and have fun. Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public place."

Double-check. Interacting with other people -- even people I genuinely like and enjoy the company of -- is not relaxing. In order to relax and "recharge, " I absolutely, positively need to be alone. Being alone in the woods is how I have fun. I'm always a little insulted when someone tells me that because I have exactly zero interest in attending parties or "hanging out" with others, I need to "learn how to relax and have fun."

I always want to reply: "You don't get it; hiking in the woods -- alone -- (or some such thing) is how I relax and have fun."



Interestingly, there have been some studies suggesting that "introversion/extroversion" behavioral spectra aren't just found in humans. In humans, it has been shown that about 20% of newborns show personality traits that are correlated with "introverted" behavior, and that these children grow up to be introverted adults. But it's not just humans; the same sorts of "introverted/extroverted" behavioral tendencies have been shown in some non-human species as well.

***

Sarah is vastly more of an extrovert than I am, and this would sometimes be a source of friction when we were dating. Usually, we were able to work it out, though. For instance, she loved going to parties. She would be out and about, chatting with all kinds of people, while I sat quietly in a corner somewhere, waiting for it to end. If I was lucky, maybe I'd find one or two other people to talk with occasionally.

Her friends and relatives were always telling her how "lucky" she was, because I was always perfectly content to sit back and listen -- only speaking when I felt I had something worthwhile to contribute. Sarah, being vastly more outgoing than myself, was always more than willing to handle virtually all of the conversation in any social setting, allowing me to sit back and listen. Her friends and relatives seemed to take great delight in telling us how lucky she was to have found such a "good listener."


On the other hand, that's part of the reason why we eventually broke up. When she told me that it was over, part of the reason she gave me was, "You love everyone, but you don't need anyone."

There's some truth to that, I'm sure. I mean, I like pretty-much everyone I meet -- so long as it's on a one-on-one basis. As Sarah noted, I can find something to like and admire about anyone. But that in no way means I need anyone else around to be happy and contented. And Sarah didn't just want to be loved; she wanted to be needed.


Interestingly, both my mother and grandmother have told me almost exactly the same thing: "You're a very kind and compassionate person by nature, and you love to help people -- but you don't actually need anyone else."


That's all well and good, I suppose, but it's also why I'll almost-certainly spend my life alone. (Not exactly a terrifying prospect, of course.)

I mean, I could no more go into a bar or other such place and chat up strangers than I could grow a second head. I'm not going to initiate a conversation with someone unless I have a legitimate reason.

Of course, there are other ways to meet people; Sarah and I met online, for instance. Still, my own mother has told me that she doesn't think I'll ever marry, because I'll never, ever be part of the "dating scene." That's probably true; heck, I don't exactly know what the "dating scene" is.

Like I've always said: if I should happen to meet Ms Right (and have some reason to get into a conversation with her and find out how much we have in common), that'd be great; if not, that's okay too.



I don't know if it's related to introversion/extroversion, but I have a friend who says that I'd never, ever notice if a woman were flirting with me. She claims that it happens, but I never notice. I don't know about the former, but the latter's probably true. My brain simply doesn't work that way.

I wouldn't approach some strange woman and initiate a conversation unless I had some reason to do so. ("I think you're attractive" really isn't a reason.) And even if I thought it were possible that some woman would think me attractive, it would never, ever occur to me that she was flirting with me.

***

And yeah, I'm a vastly more "social" person online than I am in "real life." I've told you guys plenty of things that I've literally never spoken aloud to anyone at all.

[Ensign Steve]

Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger

And yeah, I'm a vastly more "social" person online than I am in "real life." I've told you guys plenty of things that I've literally never spoken aloud to anyone at all.

This, which is a reason for me that a lot of stuff started to happen for me when I got online. It was also when I became an "adult" legally, so maybe there were other factors involved, but it's really when I started coming into my own with having real human relationships with other humans that I weren't my immediately family. Maybe people don't consider those real relationships (and they certainly didn't in the 90s before eHarmony and Facebook) but those turned into my real life relationships to the point that I married one of them. Actually, two of them.

And also this:

Originally Posted by lisarea

Also you know that social thing people do where they will talk about a certain topic, and everyone is expected to express some opinion about it right there on the spot, no matter how hasty and uninformed they are on the subject? I hate that. I hate it when people expect me to do that with them, or assume I'm being shy or insecure when I don't. And people do it all the time, even smart and interesting people whose company I normally enjoy. That's why the internet is better than real life, because there isn't that forced participation thing. You can pick and choose what you want to discuss and when.

Yeah, that.

[The Lone Ranger]

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

A-friggin'-men!


With regard to the whole "not noticing flirting" thing, on further reflection, I think that I have at least a partial explanation. I could never approach some strange woman and initiate conversation without some good reason ("I think you're attractive" not being such a reason), but I'm perfectly well-aware that plenty of people approach strangers and initiate conversations for no other reason than to be social. So it'd never occur to me that if some woman wanted to talk with me, that it suggested any sort of attraction. I'd figure she was just being social if there was no obvious explanation for her wanting to speak with me.

That probably says something about my psychological make-up, especially since it appears to me that an awful lot of men have the exact opposite mindset. Is it just me, or do an awful lot of men seem to assume that if a woman wants to talk with them, this indicates that she must be attracted to him?

[The Lone Ranger]

As has been mentioned, I've been lucky-enough to have met LadyShea and her charming family.

This might prove amusing. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way.

My thought processes during the first minute or so went something like this:



"Oh my goodness, she wants to hug me! I don't know you that well! Nobody hugs me! What do you think you're do--

Actually, this is kind of nice."

[thedoc]

Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger

As has been mentioned, I've been lucky-enough to have met LadyShea and her charming family.

This might prove amusing. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way.

My thought processes during the first minute or so went something like this:



"Oh my goodness, she wants to hug me! I don't know you that well! Nobody hugs me! What do you think you're do--

Actually, this is kind of nice."

Is your ethnic background either German or English? Or both?

[Stormlight]

Originally Posted by lisarea

Also you know that social thing people do where they will talk about a certain topic, and everyone is expected to express some opinion about it right there on the spot, no matter how hasty and uninformed they are on the subject? I hate that. I hate it when people expect me to do that with them, or assume I'm being shy or insecure when I don't. And people do it all the time, even smart and interesting people whose company I normally enjoy. That's why the internet is better than real life, because there isn't that forced participation thing. You can pick and choose what you want to discuss and when.

BUT SURELY YOU MUST HAVE AN OPINION ON THAT THING I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT!! WHY DON'T YOU TELL US?! GOD WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger

With regard to the whole "not noticing flirting" thing, on further reflection, I think that I have at least a partial explanation. I could never approach some strange woman and initiate conversation without some good reason ("I think you're attractive" not being such a reason), but I'm perfectly well-aware that plenty of people approach strangers and initiate conversations for no other reason than to be social. So it'd never occur to me that if some woman wanted to talk with me, that it suggested any sort of attraction. I'd figure she was just being social if there was no obvious explanation for her wanting to speak with me.

That probably says something about my psychological make-up, especially since it appears to me that an awful lot of men have the exact opposite mindset. Is it just me, or do an awful lot of men seem to assume that if a woman wants to talk with them, this indicates that she must be attracted to him?

I am like you in this, as was/is my father.

Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger

As has been mentioned, I've been lucky-enough to have met LadyShea and her charming family.

This might prove amusing. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way.

My thought processes during the first minute or so went something like this:



"Oh my goodness, she wants to hug me! I don't know you that well! Nobody hugs me! What do you think you're do--

Actually, this is kind of nice."

I like hugging. But, I do wonder when the whole bro-hug thing started. It seems so insincere most of the time. I'd rather just shake hands, thank you so much. If I really like you, I'll grab your hand with both of my hands, or something along those lines. I do hug my friends, what few I have, and the menfolk in my family. I love hugging the womenfolk too, of course.

[Watser?]

Originally Posted by thedoc

Is your ethnic background either German or English? Or both?

Or Dutch, or Belgian or Danish or Swedish...

In Estonia they were trying to tell us that it was typically Estonian to be reserved and shake hands with at least a meter between their bodies. My theory is this is typically Northern European. With Northern European defined very loosely.

ETA: Yeah, that thing in Ding's picture, how is that supposed to work anyways, you can't hug properly and you can't shake hands properly.

[Dragar]

The genuine hugs don't bother me, even from people I've barely met, but I'm always weirded out by the 'distant' hug and kiss-on-the-cheek thing. There are so many unspecified rules that are different for each person.

Is this going to be a real kiss, or just an air kiss? Are we supposed to touch cheeks? Are we going to do the European thing and repeat on the other side now? Exactly how far apart from you am I supposed to stand?

[Dragar]

Originally Posted by The Lone Ranger

That probably says something about my psychological make-up, especially since it appears to me that an awful lot of men have the exact opposite mindset. Is it just me, or do an awful lot of men seem to assume that if a woman wants to talk with them, this indicates that she must be attracted to him?

It's often written (I have never seen the evidence) that men are far more likely to over interpret friendly body-language as flirtatious, while women are more likely to write off flirting as friendliness.

[thedoc]

Originally Posted by Watser?

Or Dutch, or Belgian or Danish or Swedish...

In Estonia they were trying to tell us that it was typically Estonian to be reserved and shake hands with at least a meter between their bodies. My theory is this is typically Northern European. With Northern European defined very loosely.

ETA: Yeah, that thing in Ding's picture, how is that supposed to work anyways, you can't hug properly and you can't shake hands properly.

In the late 60's I read this book and I remember that in general the Germans and English being referenced as keeping a greater distance than others. I'm not sure now if it was in this book, but I also remember reading that if you wanted to offend an Englishman, just walk up and give him a hug.


The hidden dimension - Edward Twitchell Hall - Google Books